Dear Assface Robertson,

Devil pact, really? You’re going to tell me that a pact supposedly signed eons ago would still affect the spiritual fate of millions of Haitian descendants who had nothing to do with it even today?

Let me explain something to you, you shriveled up, senile, dumb

We have ALL sinned, and because we are ALL sinners, none of us are immune to calamity. If a tsunami threatens to engulf me and all my cool gadgetry toys I can assure you it’s not because an ancestor of mine had a voodoo ceremony and sacrificed a pig. And no, it’s not because of global warming either, which incidently enough you also happen to believe in, basically because once again, you are a shriveled up, senile, uglied up, ass-faced jackass.

But I do have some news for you to chew on: God’s judgment will eventually come, but it will first begin in HIS HOUSE. Those who purport the name of Christ will be judged before the rest of the world, so might I suggest you ponder over that while you’re lifting 500 pound weights in your crapped up, landfill university Regents or putting on your makeup and lipstick before going live on the 700 club? Just a thought.

Love,

Lincoln

Tags: 700 club, calamity, earthquake, global warming, God, Haiti, judgment, Pat Robertson
Categories: Christians Gone Wild
 
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Yawn.

So, basically, I brought in the new year by watching old episodes of Heroes from Netflix and popping Ferrero Rondnoirs. I hadn’t even realized it was 2010 until 3 minutes past midnight. I also refused to turn on the TV to see the ball go down because I am just not a fanboy of watching stupid, drunken revelers gyrating all over each other to the tune of crap metal devil music. Plus Dick Clark is a weenie.

Next year I hope will be a different story. Instead of gouging myself on chocolates, I hope to ring in the near year with my first ever new year’s kiss. With a woman. It’s going to happen, because if I can’t get some stupid, skanked up, self-absorbed, two-bit whore to cooperate and see what a great, sweet guy I am by then, then I’m just gonna hire me a hooker to give me a kissy wissy when the clock strikes 12.

Oh by the way, women SUCK.

No wait, I’m going somewhere with this. I’ve been having a fascinating discussion on a forum about relations between men and women, and some female newcomer talks about how she hates virgins and thinks they are creepy, dysfunctional, and like, totally uncool, and that only men with experience are worth chasing after. So naturally I called her a whore.

But that got me thinking. I always assumed the reason women who slept around were called whores while men who did the same were called studs was due to the byproduct of living in a patriarchal society. But now I see that women are completely to blame for these stereotypes. Why? Because while men respect women who are chaste/virgins, women however do not respect men for being the same. They in fact HATE THEM. A guy who sleeps with 50 women will be adored in the eyes of these skanks, while a virgin is shunned and derided.

As a Christian, I believe sex outside of marriage is wrong, and therefore chose to honor God and practice abstinence until I found “the one.” I’ve had several opportunities in my life to get on the funky, but I was so repulsed by the women who tried to… seduce me(?) that the decision to say no was easy. Back then I was really an ignoramus, I just couldn’t understand how women could proposition me without knowing anything about me, without any romance, without any emotional bond. They just slept around like it was no big deal.

Nowadays it’s even easier to remain a virgin, because now NOBODY wants me. Only I think part of it was because I so freely talked about my virginal background. I’ve never been with a woman, but I always assumed saving myself for “the one” would endear me to them even more. It never really occurred to me that it had just the opposite effect. Even those that purport to be Christian I suspect still subconsciously shun me and lose respect for me because I am not a player.

So how then can I attract women now? Well it’s simple: LIE. If anyone asks, I have had 20 women in my life, and they ALL want me back.

That’s why I say women don’t want honesty, they want the right answers. I give them the wrong answer because stupid me thinks they might appreciate honesty, and they will run away like a thief in the night. It doesn’t matter who I am as a person, it only matters that I am only desirable to them if OTHER women also found me desirable. That’s why married men are more attractive to women than single. That’s why men with built-in harems are more attractive to women than men who practice monogamy.

The truth is I can’t reveal anything about my past, because I don’t see anything in it that could allure a girl. Everything I say about myself WILL be used against me in the court of romance and wubs. I have to lie, at least until I can get her emotionally invested in me, because the sad truth is, it’s the only way I can get any kind of woman to be interested in me. In the meantime, I might ask some of you to fake call me while I’m out on a date and like, cry on the phone and stuff over how badly you miss me and want me back. I’ll put you on speaker so she can hear it too.

Yep, I can’t see how my revised approach here to lie my way into a new relationship could possibly go wrong.

Tags: abstinence, christian, God, honesty, Netflix, new year, single, stereotypes, truth, virgins, whores, women, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Time and space precludes me from getting in touch with each and every one of you, but I wanted to wish all my readers and online friends a very wonderful and Merry Christmas! The most blessed present I could ever get would be you guys for continuing to read my site and for putting up with my incoherent nonsense. Because of your support I have enjoyed unparalleled success this year, and now what was once unthinkable (living off my blog exclusively) has now been pushed to the realm of the possible. Who knows what next year might bring?

Thank you all for your kindness, your encouragement, your friendship and most of all, for recognizing my supreme awesomeness.

God bless you all!

Tags: blog, Christmas, God, lighthouse, readers, support
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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Another Thanksgiving draws near, and once again it’s time to reflect on what I should be thankful for.

… well I got nothing.

No seriously, I do have a lot to be thankful for, especially this year. This was after all the year I finally became debt free, after having paid off my credit card, car and my college loan. It was the year my earnings from this blog reached inconceivable heights, making it possible for me to travel more frequently now and enjoy life in a way I never could before. For this I have you, my readers to thank. I still can’t quit my job just yet, but the extra income coupled with a debt free existence has made it possible now for me to go out and experience new and different things, and better yet, write about it too.

My health has also gotten much better as well. I thought I would be too tired, too sick to take on exhausting road trips and weekend getaways to God only knows where, but instead it’s become the exact opposite. The more I moved around, the better I felt and the more energy I had. In a way it broke my depression and lifted me out of this mental prison that I’ve built for myself for so long.

I’m thankful for finding a new hobby in geocaching too, to keep things interesting on my trips and find new places to explore that never would have occurred to me otherwise.

I’m thankful for my parents, who are all that I have left of a once huge family that had been lost through hate, estrangement and betrayal.

I am thankful for my beautiful and reliable SUV, which continues to guzzle gas and proudly leave it’s wide load of a carbon footprint for all to see.

I am thankful for Yankee Candles, pizza and cupcakes. And occasionally brownies too.

And of course, I am thankful to God my Father and my savior Jesus Christ, who has made all of the above things possible.

And I am thankful for the new year to come, the endless possibilities it might bright, and a hope that refuses to die, the hope that I will someday soon meet my dream girl.

Tags: christ, college loan, debt, depression, dream girl, energy, family, geocaching, God, health, income, Jesus, life, new year, parents, pizza, readers, road trip, thankful, thanks, Thanksgiving, travel, yankee candles
Categories: Gone Mobile
 
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Today marks the third year anniversary since my first ever post on this blog!

It’s certainly been a weird ride too.   Originally I started out thinking I would be using this blog to chronicle my journey through law school and into the law profession, but unfortunately life has a tendency to poop all over my best laid plans, so instead of writing about adventures in law school and beyond, I found myself rambling about topics of no particular interest to anyone but me.  My blog went for weeks without any updates, and my traffic was virtually nil.  Then I started wrapping myself around the idea that I could turn my blog into a money making machine, getting my hands on whatever material I could find out there that could help me figure out how to turn this site into a magical land of milk and honey, from whence I could quit my job, retire, and live it up as a self made man with a pizza on one hand and a babe on the other.

Then I went from there to wailing about all my health problems, which really put a damper on my blogging spirits for a while.  Then I went on a streak where I raged and ranted about dating sites and women and why they all sucked and disgusted me to no end, and not just them but people too, and they sucked and everybody sucks and the whole world sucks and why doesn’t everyone just explode and DIE????

Come to think of it I think I’m still on that streak. 

Under normal circumstances I probably would have closed this blog by now and moved on.

Only the thing is… this is the first time I’ve ever created a blog that provided a solid income stream for me.  I won’t be retiring or quitting anytime soon of course, but then again, I don’t just throw away something that’s earning me $200 a month, even if I have nothing worth writing about these days.   My feed count also surpassed 200 readers for the first time ever the other day, and it seems apparent that as I keep this site going and keep blogging, my audience and traffic will continue to expand, slowly, but surely.  $200 a month might some day become $300 a month, then $500, and from there, who knows how high it could go.  Love it or hate it, me and my blog, we’re stuck together for the long haul.  And who knows, just because I haven’t been able to earn a living NOW doesn’t mean I can’t earn one down the road, even if that road turns out to be a long, winding one that takes years to cover.  I know of one person who ran a math site since 1997, and it took her over ten years before she finally saw the fruits of her labor and was able to earning a living from her website alone.  From what I learned about search engines like Google, the older your domain gets, the more trusted it becomes, resulting in higher rankings and more traffic.  Some say the tipping point is 4 years, so by this time next year, I could end up seeing a dramatic difference that will boost my earnings potential even more.

In the meantime, this blog is still searching for an identity, a clear purpose, something to help focus my writing and truly make it blossom.  It’s sad that I find myself in my early thirties and even after all these years, I still don’t know who I am or who I was meant to be, if I was meant to be anything at all.  Am I destined to be a drifter, living a small life where I have no impact on anything, or am I meant for something bigger?  Can I overcome my inner demons and become the man God wants me to be, and the man that a future wife could be worthy of, or will I slowly fade away into obscurity and failure?

The story continues…

Tags: anniversary, blog, blogging, dating sites, failure, God, income, income stream, job, journey, land of milk and honey, law school, life, purpose, search engines, traffic, website, writing
Categories: Blog Fog
 
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In the due course of history, a man is empowered with the capacity for life and liberty when he is financially beholden to neither men nor entities. These truths are self evident in their own right, that without freedom from debts and liabilities men are deprived in the profoundest of ways from pursuing that which would ensure their happiness and well being. It is hereto realized and understood the egregious deception by which principalities have sought to strip us of the very power that has been so rightly bestowed to us by our Divine Creator.

Acknowledging then the oppressive currents of those who have entrusted themselves to the cause of evil, I hereby declare my free and total financial independence, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence to utilize these newfound freedoms for the noble cause of truth, justice, and charity.

In other words, I paid off my school loan.

That concludes the triple play of payments I’ve been making to get myself completely out of debt, starting with my credit card (which went as high as $8,000), then my car loan, and finally my college loan, which had been a boil on my boom booms for 11 years.

It couldn’t have come at a better time either. The VERY day I made my last payment on my school loan, my job started a 6 month period where I have to work two days a month without getting paid, a concession my union made because they’re a bunch of spineless baboon heads that are only good to take my money so they can organize picnics I never get invited to.

But anyway, regardless of that temporary cut back, the world is my oyster now, and that my friend is truly a miracle. Not too long ago I was $20,000 or more in debt, and now it’s all but gone. This is the LORD’s doing, and it is marvelous before our eyes. From here on out, I can just keep on saving until I build myself a decent nest egg and use that to go back to school for a masters, buy a new car, and/or put a down payment for a nice house in another state (some place very, very far away from New York). I’m not sure exactly what I’ll do by then, but one thing I do know is that I will NEVER, EVER (with the possible exception of a mortgage), go into debt again. The feeling of owing money to whomever was to me the worst feeling in the world, and I thank God for this tremendous gift of financial freedom, given to me on the 4th of July, of all days. From now on I will be the head, and not the tail, and I will lend to many nations, but I will not borrow thereof.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go collapse into bed for some well deserved rest, then get ready for muchos BBQ food, fireworks and good times.

Happy Independence Day!

Tags: car loan, college loan, credit card, debt, debts, financial, financial freedom, gift, God, independence, independence day, job, liberty, lord, money, world is my oyster
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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