Certain events in the past have played a significant role in devastating my pysche, which by themselves really don’t seem like anything noteworthy, until you consider the context in which they happened.

For example, when I first started blogging, one of my secret desires behind my decision to blog, was that by putting my thoughts online, it’d give me an opportunity to meet a beautiful girl who thought the same way I did. Eventually, a reader who fit that profile DID start visiting my blog on a regular basis. Gorgeous, young, Christian and a staunch conservative, she was a rarity who might have been perfect had she not lived so far away. So what happens? She meets someone through HER blog, and they get married a few months later. What I had hoped so badly would happen to me ,happened to someone else instead.

Shortly afterwards, I met a pretty female co-worker who had recently joined our division. Now over the years, I had always fantasized about meeting someone through my job, where we’d end up working together and eventually falling in love. I even envisioned over what she might look like: long brown hair, beautiful brown eyes and a healthy mocha skin. We’d share the same interests and passions, while one personality smoothly complemented the other. A match made in heaven.

So when a pretty girl with long brown hair, brown eyes and beautifully tanned skin suddenly shows up in my division, I couldn’t help but take notice, especially since she was the first young woman to get assigned here in a long, long time (the kind of job done here is mostly filled by much older women in their 50s or 60s.) So after so many years of plague and darkness, I wondered: could she be…the one??

Alas, what I envisioned in my mind could not have been more out of touch with reality. We had NOTHING in common, which may have been aggravated by the fact that she had NO interest in me at all. While my passion were politics and religion, her passion was….boats. While I enjoyed visiting museums dedicated to history, her idea of spending the weekend involved attending the latest Bon Jovi concert. If I liked watching Fox News every now and then, she religiously watched the Real World on MTV.

Trying to have a conversation with her was about as invigorating and welcome as performing hernia operation on yourself using nothing more than a wooden spoon. I always had to carry the ball when we talked. She never volunteered anything, and when I couldn’t think of anything more to say, the air would hang in a kind of dead silence that could only be found at cemetaries.

Obviously, there were no sparks here. But what irked me more than anything was her total lack of interest in me. It wasn’t that she wasn’t a nice person, but that I barely registered on her radar. I would have rather she had been interested in ME, and I’D be the one who’d have to turn her down, not the other way around. It’s an ego thing, obviously, but it would have felt good to know that for once, JUST EFFING once, a pretty girl would find me interesting and attractive. Nope.

I remembered thinking at the time that the only thing that could have made it worse, was that she would fall madly in love with another coworker and eventually get married.

Welllllll, guess what. Not 5 months(?!?!?) since she started working here, she meets another coworker, falls madly in love, and is now engaged. What I had hoped so badly would happen to me, happened to someone else instead.

Are you detecting a pattern here? Imagine 20 years of this, enduring these series of unfortunate events, and you get my life. You know, it’s one thing when people meet and fall in love. I accept that, but when it happens like this, I simply can’t handle it. It’s like God is playing mind games with me, putting me in these kinds of situations where I have to endure getting speared in the most cruelest fashion possible, and yet still I must believe and accept that He is a loving God who cares about me. Yeah, sure.

This is why I am so angry at God, and cannot speak or pray to Him. It’s cruel the way I’m being treated: absolutely, despicably cruel. Maybe I deserve it though: in fact, I know I do. But I have seen some pretty bad people in my life get blessed in obscene ways that make absolutely no sense to me. I’m still trying to figure it out… still trying to make some kind of sense of it all. But I can conclude nothing except that God must truly and utterly despise me.

When I graduated college, I was filled with high hopes and expectations about everything, but the last 8 years since then has done its darndest best to utterly crush my spirit and squeeze every last drop of hope out of me. Today, I am a broken, confused and lost soul. Yet I’m still trying to find my way, still trying to seek answers for why things turned out the way they did, still trying to see some reason for it all.

In the meantime, I have to deal with the bitterness and anger I’ve been left with now. I had hoped so much that by this time I’d be in law school, if only so I’d never have to see the brown-eyed bitch again. Instead, I have to be forever reminded of what a failure I am every day that I see her. I hate her, not for who she is, but for what she represents to me: the reality that I will always be alone. I will never have a family, or anybody to love, because no one wants to love me.

To hell with you all.

Why can’t my female co-workers learn the value of shooting the breeze and taking it easy every now and then while in the workplace? When it comes to guys, we’ll crack jokes, make small talk and generally work at our leisure, which for us is all fine and good as long as the work gets done, and it always does by the end of the day.

But women, gees. Make the merest attempt at idle chatter, and they’ll fear the end of the world is nigh. Why are they somehow convinced that we must all work as if the Sword of Damocles were hanging over our heads, ready to drop at the slightest indiscretion? Our jobs especially are life sucking drudgeships, which virtually requires us to engage in a little bantering and fun just to break the routine and keep us from all going insane. When it comes to these cows though, it’s all work and no play, lest we get their blistering stares of disapproval. And here I thought girls just wanted to have fun?? Yeah right. Not at work evidently.

Good grief, no sooner had I posted my hypothesis on the actual causes of global warming than Pat Robertson starts proclaiming his newfound belief in it.

Well Pat, if you’re truly a believer, and want to do your part to help cool off the earth, then I have good news for you! As I theorized earlier, the overflowing abundance of hotties bouncing around in skin hugging outfits has done more to warm the earth than any of the other contributing factors (including carbon dioxide) put together (despite what Al Gore would have you believe). It’s now time to assert yourself and demand that the mass of womankind stop dressing like Babylonian harlots, and start putting on burqas! ((As I noted earlier, conservative women need not apply.)) By preaching against the coarse immorality that’s pervaded our country since the 60’s, you would also in fact be doing your part to help stop global warming, effectively killing two birds with one stone. So let’s get to it! You could even introduce a new line of TBN sponsored burqas for those true believers who really want to make a difference. It would be a perfect supplement to the diet shake you recently started marketing. Think of the potential revenues this could generate! Heck I should be paid royalties for coming up with these brilliant ideas.

Ok, if I could be serious for one minute…

It’s hard to take the doomsayers seriously. For one, nobody can honestly tell you what causes global warming, or if it even exists. ((And if they say otherwise, they’re either ignorant, like Pat Robertson, or a lying piece of bottom feeding scum, like Al Gore.)) Look at most graphs, and what it appears to show is that this steady rise in temperature may in fact be merely part of a normal cycle that spans thousands of years. I’m more inclined to believe the likes of Bill Gray, one of the world’s most foremost and outspoken experts on hurricanes and global climates, than I would some commie pinko liberal who flips me the bird because I’m not driving a Prius. Prof. Gray by the way believes we are heading for a cooling period in the next few years. I believe that too, and if it doesn’t happen, I’ll be glad to eat my blog.

In the meantime, there’s plenty of info out there that should give us pause about global warming, even in this blistering heat.

Update: A cold front is headed into our area this weekend.

Update 2: The hottest summer on record was actually in 1930. More interesting is that the unusual warmth might be attributed to the growing number of urban buildings that retain heat (rural areas notably shwoed no marked change).

Maybe these facts along with the long awaited relief from the heat will bring good old Pat and the others back to their senses… then again, maybe not.

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. - Evan Esar

The ever resplendent blogging diva (you know her as La Shawn Barber) is fed up with the heat. So am I, and I’m glad I’m not the only one. This has been a particularly miserable @#$% summer for me, and not just because of the heat… but that’s another story.

I hate summer. This is the one time of year where I’m forced to abandon my black leather jacket and hot looking clothes for ugly looking flip flops instead. It’s the time of year where the usually gentle warmth of the sun morphs into homicidal death rays bent on scorching the hair off my body and causing my skin to burst into flames. That and of course the humidity, both of which conspire together to suck the bloody life force out of me until I’m left with virtually no desire to live anymore. Yep, I truly hate summer. I detest it, loathe it, would spit on it if I could. I always thought this was God’s way of reminding us how worse off hell would be if we didn’t wise our unrighteous asses up.

Worst yet, I have to put up with the global warming wacknuts screaming in my ear, “I told you so!!!!! The icebergs are melting and it’s all Bush’s fault!!”

Well now. I believe last year was one of the warmest on record if I’m not mistaken, and this year will probably surpass that, so at this pace the world should probably end in a couple of years, forcing us all to live on boats and grow gills behind our ears in some perverse Waterworld reality. Maybe Kevin Costner was on to something after all.

Out of a more sobering curiosity though, I wondered how this summer would in reality compare to the global temperatures of the past few years. After some googling, I found more information than I could ever absorb in three lifetimes, hosted by the fine folks at Junk Science. Apparently, it’s been a half degree warmer than the historical average so far. The highest peak had been in 1998. I think.

Yet the only honestly definitive answer to the question of whether it is truly getting abnormally warmer is “Maybe.” Even less definitive is what might be contributing to it, but liberals are convinced beyond all doubt that it’s those damned gas guzzling Republicans that are the culprit. But… I have another working theory as to what might account for this relatively recent increase in balmy temperatures. Look at basically any global temperature chart, and you’ll see things started heating up around the late 60s, early 70s. Now think about it, what was so significant about that particular period? My hypothesis is that the global warming phenomenon had its genesis in what would later become known (ironically enough) as the Summer of Love.

Yep, this was the era girlie magazines like Playboy hit the big times and free love was all the rage. Notably the women’s liberation movement also experienced a surge here (which I suspect at the time was really more about being liberated from their clothes than anything else). The sudden rise in public displays of fine young women frolicking around in their birthday suits would result in a collective worldwide rise in body temperatures, experienced mostly by men in heat. This rise in body temperature has thus become the driving force behind the global warming phenomenon we are seeing today.

Not convinced? Note the charts indicate the temperature climb becomes even steeper in the early 90s, precisely around the time the protocol known as the World Wide Web (WWW) is introduced, making it more easier than ever for millions to download content they wouldn’t want their mothers to know about. Consequently, global warming increased dramatically to levels never seen before in contemporary history. Still have doubts? Consider this then: In 1997, Maxim releases the U.S. version of their girlie magazine. One year later, we experience the highest peak in global temperatures on record. Coincidence? I think not.

So there you have it: global warming is not being caused by gas guzzling SUVs, evil Republicans or even greenhouse gases. Nope, it’s hot looking babes that are the culprit. Miss Barber complains about the heat? She’s a part of that group that’s BRINGING the heat. Smokin’ hot women worldwide are endangering this planet and threatening all of life as we know it. It must stop!

So here’s what I propose: all you liberal women out there who profess to care so much about the environment, it’s time to stop dressing like hookers walking the 42nd Street beat, and start doing your part to save the planet! I suggest wearing burqas from now on, especially since many of you seem to be such big fans of Islam. That alone should cause the body temperatures of millions of young men to plummet dramatically, sparking a cooling effect that will at long last bring global temperatures back to normal levels. Any refusal to do so will prove to us all how hypocritical and unconcerned you truly are in wanting to save the world. Yes, no doubt men everywhere will be sorely disappointed and distressed at your decision to put in, rather than put out, but we all have to make sacrifices here. So dress up, or shut up!

Conservative women need not apply of course, since they are a considerable minority, and thus any action they take would probably have only a nominal effect on the environment. So my advice to all you conservative women would be to simply carry on, and keep up the good work.