After checking into my hotel I noticed it had a faux fireplace, which had me squeeing in joy. Sure it’s a fake, but a fireplace is a fireplace, and I will take it one way or the other.

And then, of course, it suddenly stopped working.

No matter what I did, the thing would NOT TURN ON at all, so I went downstairs to the front desk to seek help. It was around 10 at night, so I wasn’t expecting much though. A very pretty girl was there, with long raven black hair and mocha skin, currently taking a call on the phone. After she hung up, she asked what she could do for me.

“Yeah, I’m an idiot, but I’m trying to get my fireplace working and I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. I pressed all the buttons on the remote here and nothing’s happening.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry about that. Let me come up with you, and we’ll see if we can’t get it going again.”

“Uh… sure, that’d be great.” She was going to come with me to my hotel room??

She followed me up the stairs, and I could feel my ears burning the way they always do when a beautiful girl gets in close proximity to me. We talked a little on the way up, though my mind was racing as I tried to furiously remember where I had left my teddy bear, and if I could get to it fast enough to hide it before she saw it.

We finally entered the room, and I showed her the fireplace. She looked around and tried the remote a few times while I watched her. I noticed the teddy was on the bed, so I casually moved back, and quickly tucked him under the covers. Whew. Sorry Koko, but I gotta be a man tonight.

I walked up beside her again as we both looked at the nonworking fireplace. She started laughing.

“Well it’s definitely not you. I can’t get it to work either. Let me call maintenance and then go see if I can get an instruction manual. I’ll be right back.”

“Sure!”

When she left, I quickly ran to my laptop and IMed to whoever I was chatting with then:

“OMG there’s a beautiful girl in my room and she’s trying to light my fire!!!111 BRB!!!”

She came back a minute or two later with the manual, and started reading the instructions. I went around the fireplace to see if there were any switches too, then went back to her.

“What does the manual say?”

“Well…” She leaned her head over and shared the manual with me, her hair brushing over my arm and shoulders.

Oh mercy mommy.

I looked at the manual but I couldn’t see any words.

“Hmm,” she went on, oblivious to the fact that my body temperature had gone up 100 degrees, “It says to pull the plug and leave it off for 5 minutes. Sometimes it just needs to warm up before it will go on.”

Oh we’re warmed up here, believe me.

“Oh, ok, I’ll go pull the plug then.”

While I pulled the plug she got on her knees and felt around for a switch, then looked at the manual again. Completely girlie-like, completely adorable. I resisted the damned near overwhelming urge to drop beside her and play with her hair. My goodness, so adorable…

As I watched her in loving adoration, it struck me just how trusting she had been. She didn’t mind being close to me, didn’t mind that she was alone with a strange man who could have just as easily locked the room to have his way with her. And she didn’t mind… talking to me either.

The experience was completely new to me. I was too used to seeing women refusing to even acknowledge my existence, and those few times when they did acknowledge it, my presence was always welcomed with derision and scorn. But this? What was this about? I know it’s her job and all, but she was certainly going above and beyond anything I ever expected. Did she not find me hideous? Am I not repugnant and disgusting to behold? Indeed I had glanced at the mirror in my room a few times since she had been here, and I hated what I saw. Yet she didn’t mind my company at all.

After I pulled the plug we both sat and chatted for a while. She had been working at the hotel for a few years and was a local. She gets bored at times, but she does prefer and enjoy the peace and quiet of the countryside. I talked a little about my background and she showed genuine curiosity about me and what I did. A few minutes flew by, and we tried the fireplace again. Still no luck.

“I’m so sorry, I really hoped I would have gotten this fixed for you.” She patted and held my arm. Somewhere in the distance I could hear a chorus of angels singing.

I love you, marry me please?

“Oh it’s no problem, you really went out of your way to help me, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that.”

“It’s no trouble at all. I’ll leave a note for the manager to check again and if it still doesn’t work we’ll have it replaced. You’ll be here for a few days?”

“Yeah, till Wednesday.”

“Great, we should definitely have it fixed or replaced by the next morning.”

“Thanks so much.”

She smiled warmly as I held the door for her, and then she was gone.

I thought about chasing after her. But what would I say? She was a local, and thus hundreds of miles away from where I really lived. And I was so love starved that I wondered if I was reading far too much into her behavior, and if I had asked her out for coffee or whatever, she would have given me the cold shoulder then. The rejection would have crushed me.

I replayed her sweet smile in my head, her hand on my arm and squeezing ever so gently, choosing to enjoy the hospitality I had received and simply accept it at that. I happened to look up and just about jumped out of my skin when I saw the fireplace was on again.

What the!??

It had just inexplicably turned on again. She had lit my fire after all.

I haven’t seen her since though, and I leave for home again tomorrow morning, but before I check out I’ll stop one more time and see if I can’t get her email at least.

But even if not, I don’t think she’ll ever realize the impact she had on me. Indeed, since I’ve been here, I’ve noticed I don’t draw the kind of reaction I see from women back home, and I wonder if the reason it’s been so difficult to find a sweet girl has more to do about location than any character flaw of mine (which are too numerous to count). Even at restaurants here, I’ve seen one or two pretty looking girls actually… smile at me. And not platonic either, I mean the kind of smile I would see from someone when I’ve just made their day.

And all I can think to myself is: why the @#$% aren’t these girls using eHarmony? It seems that if I’m going to find a girl who is sugar and spice and everything nice, then I was going to have to do this the old fashioned way: get up off my sweet love biscuits and travel to meet these women in the real world instead. The further away from home, the better.

But at least for now, this country girl with her sweet demeanor and hospitality helped me believe again that women like her still existed, full of life and innocence and wubbie wubs. She gave me hope again.

Tags: concierge, country, eharmony, fireplace, girl, girls, hotel, innocence, sweet, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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For the past few weeks I’ve been getting wave after wave of new matches on my trial eHarmony account, an account I’ve kept open just for kicks for the past year or so. Lately some of them have been sending me communication requests, but since I wasn’t paying I couldn’t respond to them, or see how ugly they looked either.

And of course this is all times neatly with eHarmony’s 3 month deal where I “only” have to pay 19.95 a month, a deal that ended July 25th, which they then extended to August 5th, then August 15th, then August 20th, then the 25th, then the 30th, with each new email alert giving me the same URGENT message that I better hurry up and sign up soon or the deal will expire and be gone forever and ever and ever…!

Whatever.

But since women were attempting to contact me, I thought I owed it to them to at least be courteous and respond, since they obviously paid for the service, and eHarmony’s horse crapola practice of matching people with non-paying subscribers was a fraudulent injustice that I could personally do something about (as long as I was willing to chivalrously fall on my sword and let the scum sucking bastages scam me out of $60.)

Plus, I wanted to see how ugly my matches looked.

So I finally signed up for real today and began sifting through all my matches. I had about 100 up to this point, roughly have of which were closed too, and of course these were the better looking matches too. Ah well, they all looked like slutty babylonian harlots anyway, so I counted it no big loss. When you close a match you can give a reason as to why you’re doing so, and my favorite one thus far was some hoochie mama of a ho bag who closed her match with me because “the physical distance between us was too great,” despite the fact that she lives about 4 miles away from me. Yeah, ok. I guess I had to live in the same apartment building to be close enough for her.

After I went through the closed matches out of morbid curiosity, I started going through my active ones. I noticed what seems to be a consistent pattern too. Either the matches were whale mountain beasts who create human solar eclipses wherever they walked, or they were hot but slutty looking trampers who worked for the theater. I must have emphasized my creative side a bit too much in my personality profile, because these theater/actress matches were a dime a dozen.

I knew what they were all about too. Since they travel around the country to perform in shows and musicals, their social circle is therefore limited to the people they travel with, and if they’re having no success with that circle, their only recourse for the most part is to go online.

Basically those theater girls would expect me to be content with a relationship where they blow town for several weeks or months at a time, and when they come back, I’m to be their stand-by male escort where I cater to their feminine needs by providing them manly company and buying them jewelry, all in the vain hopes that I’ll get a kissy wissy in return, at least until they skip town again after 3-4 days to perform at other shows.

It only takes me 2-3 seconds to close those kinds of matches. Maybe a few seconds more if they’re hotter than usual and have nice big honking-

But anyhoo…

After dropping the theater harlots and the whale mountain man beasts, I went from 50 active matches to about 4. One girl mentioned her love for pizza and actually eating a whole pie once, so she automatically made the cut. What? You talk pizza and you’re already halfway into my heart, fo’ sho’!

The other two were missionaries and seemed like nice people, so I kept them as well (even though the traveling thing becomes an issue again with missionary types, but at least they’re better stock than the theater people…. I hope.) The last one was a lawyer, which alone was grounds for closing, but she was very pretty, so I hesitated. She also has a huge smile too… like ridiculously Joker huge, but since her teeth are white and purdy I guess it’s all good. Judging from her profile though, she does seem a bit too far out of my caste system, so I don’t expect much there.

And that’s pretty much it. My account will expire at the end of November, and once it does I am DONE. Seriously. I’ve always gravitated towards dating sites because of my hearing loss, but I think that’s an issue I’m just gonna have to learn to put up with when befriending women in real life, and maybe over the course of time I’ll meet one who won’t think of me as broken, inferior goods just because I have a hearing loss, or because my job doesn’t pay well enough, or because I don’t drive a BMW.

Maybe, some day. But if not, I think the single life paired with an occasional trip to Prague (where prostitution is legal and CHEAP) would suit me just fine.

Tags: dating, dating site, dating sites, eharmony, girls, harlot, hearing loss, online, pizza, profile, relationship, theater, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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So I’m minding my own business when I get an IM on AOL from someone named FreeAssFreda:

[15:39] freeassfreda: hi! I saw your profile and ur a cutie!

[15:39] linc4justice: Hi, where do I know you from?

[15:39] freeassfreda: I’m actually working right now what are you doing exactly??

[15:39] linc4justice: working too

[15:39] freeassfreda: aww poor baby i wish you weren’t at work.. maybe sometime i can take ur lunch break and we can have some fun for 30 min.. lol

[15:40] linc4justice: possibly, lol

[15:40] linc4justice: which profile did you find of me? I have a few of them

[15:40] freeassfreda: nice, nothin I work from home just starting doing these cam shows It’s pretty fun actually lol

[15:40] freeassfreda: I am a little busy right now cant really talk here but I would LOVE if you came to watch and give me some company, and maybe a GOOD rating ??

[15:42] linc4justice: sure!

[15:43] freeassfreda: well I think i have my free friend’s pass lyin here one sec babe.. I mean would you want it??

[15:44] linc4justice: sure!

[15:44] freeassfreda: yup, I do got another pass left!..YAY.. just please don’t tell anyone else I can get in trouble. What color panties should I put on for you sexy, i’ll let you pick! LOL

[15:45] linc4justice: Ummm, pink?

[15:45] freeassfreda: pink is my favorite color

[15:45] linc4justice: Mine too, but only on girls

[15:46] linc4justice: doesnt look as great on me

[15:46] freeassfreda: Ok, go to [link removed] scroll all the way down to the bottom babe, and you will see “friends of Megan”, click that and when you get the password page, put in the password: “daddy” okay?

[15:46] freeassfreda: yup, fill out your info, make sure you put your correct b-day k?

[15:46] linc4justice: No problem!

[15:46] freeassfreda: CC is just to verify your age hun,its the sites policy to ensure no minors get access to the site .. i gave u my free friend’s pass

[15:47] linc4justice: great, thank you!

[15:47] freeassfreda: ok let me know when you get in so I can invite you directly to my cam.

[15:49] linc4justice: I definitely will! And you’ll wear pink panties too?

[15:49] freeassfreda: pink is my favorite color

[15:51] linc4justice: I’m glad, but you’re definitely gonna wear the pink right?

[15:51] freeassfreda: pink is my favorite color

[15:52] linc4justice: I know, but you’re definitely going to wear pink right? I really have a thing for girls in pink, I don’t know why, just do.

[15:53] freeassfreda: k, you in yet babe?? Don’t keep me waiting!

[15:53] linc4justice: I won’t! Just filling out the form now.

At that point I thought “FAIL” and blocked her. I still don’t know if I was talking to a bot, some ugly dude from Pakistan, or a cam-whore just looking for business. I could be wrong, but I had the sinking feeling whoever it was wasn’t going to wear pink for me either. Ah well, it did make for an interesting chat on a boring afternoon though.

Tags: boring, chat, funny, girls, IM, profile, whore
Categories: Comic Relief
 
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“Mary Ann’s mother died.”

Mary Ann had once been my commanding officer when I was reserve cop in what seemed like another lifetime ago.

“I’ll send a card and some flowers,” I said.

“No, you’re going to attend the funeral with me.”

“I’m not coming to no funeral.”

“Why not?  It’s the right thing to do.  You should go to pay your respects.”

“Look, I’m not going to no funeral where they got an open casket with a dead body inside and everyone’s mingling around 10 feet from it like they’re at a cocktail party.  It really creeps me out.  So, um, NO.”

“You only have to stay for a few minutes, but you really should go pay your respects.”

“NO.  END OF DISCUSSION.”

“What if there are a few pretty girls there that might need consoling?”

I thought about that for a minute.

“I’ll drive.”

Tags: commanding officer, cop, funeral, girls, open casket, respects
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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So now that we’ve elected a mini-me version of the Antichrist, I think it’s high time I finally start working to move to a town that’s right for me.  A town that’ll keep me movin’ and keep me groovin’ with some energy. 

Even though I talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it…  I gotta move on. 

Seriously, I gotta move on.

Right now I’m going over which states might offer the best prospects, and I’m starting off with three basic requirements: the state should have no income tax, the gun laws should be flexible, and it should have lopsidedly voted against the communist demon of the underworld in the last election.

So far I have 5 options:

• Wyoming
• Alaska
• Tennessee
• Texas
• South Dakota

Climate and terrain wise I would prefer to live where there’s mountains and temperate seasons (the most important being autumn) AND little humidity.  VERY little humidity.  Seriously, there’s a reason why I refer to humidity as “Satan’s Breath.”  Just… no.

That puts Tennessee at the top for now, especially the eastern part where the Appalachian/Smokey Mountain range begins.  And since it’s the closest I’d be able to put together a road trip to visit the area and check it out.  The only remaining question is being able to find a job.  I have a background in computers and government and finished my undergraduate education a ways back, so I should be good for something besides shoveling horse manure, right?  What do you think?  Or should I try for another state?

As for the others, I like Wyoming because it has the Rockies, but again the problem is jobs, and it’s also out of driving reach.  I’d have to either fly or do a cross country trip just to scout the state.  Same deal with Alaska (as much as the thought of being near Sarah Palin thrills me), and the other 2 states, Texas and South Dakota.

If I remove the “no state income tax” requirement however, I have a few more options:

• Idaho
• Utah
• Oklahoma
• Nebraska
• Kansas
• Arkansas
• Louisiana
• Mississippi
• Alabama
• Kentucky
• West Virginia

I would drop all of the southern states because of the humidity and lack of mountains, but I hear the girls are so smokin’ hot in places like Alabama and Mississippi that I just have to keep these states on the list for now. 

Idaho and Utah might be good options, but I don’t particularly care for the high Mormon demographic.  It’s not that I hate Mormons or anything, I just can’t stand them.  Kansas and Nebraska have no mountains and seem boring overall, while Oklahoma might be too humid.  West Virginia is on the list, but I drove through the entire state once and the scenery was just awful.  Kentucky might be the best choice so far all things considered, but still, I have very little intel about any of these states frankly, which is why I’d like to visit them and see for myself.

In the meantime, what do you think is my best bet?  Let me know in the comments.  I’ll also include a poll too, because I’m awesome like that. 

Help me find my Funkytown!

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Tags: Alabama, Alaska, Appalachian, autumn, climate, cross country, election, funkytown, girls, humidity, Idaho, job, Kansas, Kentucky, live, Louisiana, Mississippi, Nebraska, Oklahoma, poll, road trip, sarah palin, smokey mountain, song, South Dakota, tennessee, terrain, Texas, town, Utah, West Virginia, Wyoming
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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Another coworker of mine is getting married, this time it’s a woman with cerebral palsy.  Very nice person too, and when she talked about her fiance, she indicated that he had a similar disability as well.   She showed us all her lovely new ring.

“Wow, that’s probably about as close as I’ll ever get to an actual real diamond,” I said.

“See Linc?  You never know.”

“Unfortunately, I have found that I am the exception to every rule, no matter what that rule is.”

Indeed, it seems lately that every time I look around, I’m always seeing somebody being paired up with their own.  If I see a Chinese girl, she’s holding hands with a Chinese guy.  If I see a black guy, he’s holding hands with a black girl.  Now here’s someone with a disability who is getting hitched to someone else with a disability.  How in a horse’s wide load are these people finding each other?

For my part, all I can seem to attract are women who, oddly enough, look like men.   Does that mean I’m really gay and this is God’s way of trying to tell me to own up to it?

Really quite sure that’s not the case here, but frankly, I’m running out of plausible reasons to explain away this anomaly.

Lately though, I’ve been settling on what I call the “My Man Genes Were Pounded to Fossilized Dino Droppings” theory.  This theory extrapolates that I was somehow born with a genetic defect that precludes a particular demographic of women from being able to see me.  Like, at all.  In other words, if I’m at the supermarket, they will run right through my righteous ass with their carts not because they’re being rude, but because they just couldn’t see me.

The more I think about it the more things start to make sense.  If I hold a door for a girl and she walks right on through without acknowledging me or saying thank you, it wasn’t because she was being rude.  Again, she just couldn’t SEE me.  It also explains why when I’m talking to a girl, she’s always looking past me, like I’m not actually there.  Really, is it conceivable that every woman in creation would be that rude?  Doesn’t it make more sense that they were simply unable to physically see me at all?

I think I need to head down to Harvard with this.  This definitely merits a closer look and possibly conducting controlled studies so this phenomenon can be observed in action.  I’m talking fully funded with grants and the whole works, and lots of hot girls to use as test subjects too.

Seriously, it’s for science. 

Tags: anomaly, coworker, demographic, disability, girl, girls, God, phenomenon, science, woman, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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