Other posts related to failure
My Blogiversary – Still Kicking It After Three Years!
Lincoln Adams | July 29, 2009 @ 9:00 amToday marks the third year anniversary since my first ever post on this blog!
It’s certainly been a weird ride too. Originally I started out thinking I would be using this blog to chronicle my journey through law school and into the law profession, but unfortunately life has a tendency to poop all over my best laid plans, so instead of writing about adventures in law school and beyond, I found myself rambling about topics of no particular interest to anyone but me. My blog went for weeks without any updates, and my traffic was virtually nil. Then I started wrapping myself around the idea that I could turn my blog into a money making machine, getting my hands on whatever material I could find out there that could help me figure out how to turn this site into a magical land of milk and honey, from whence I could quit my job, retire, and live it up as a self made man with a pizza on one hand and a babe on the other.
Then I went from there to wailing about all my health problems, which really put a damper on my blogging spirits for a while. Then I went on a streak where I raged and ranted about dating sites and women and why they all sucked and disgusted me to no end, and not just them but people too, and they sucked and everybody sucks and the whole world sucks and why doesn’t everyone just explode and DIE????
Come to think of it I think I’m still on that streak. 
Under normal circumstances I probably would have closed this blog by now and moved on.
Only the thing is… this is the first time I’ve ever created a blog that provided a solid income stream for me. I won’t be retiring or quitting anytime soon of course, but then again, I don’t just throw away something that’s earning me $200 a month, even if I have nothing worth writing about these days. My feed count also surpassed 200 readers for the first time ever the other day, and it seems apparent that as I keep this site going and keep blogging, my audience and traffic will continue to expand, slowly, but surely. $200 a month might some day become $300 a month, then $500, and from there, who knows how high it could go. Love it or hate it, me and my blog, we’re stuck together for the long haul. And who knows, just because I haven’t been able to earn a living NOW doesn’t mean I can’t earn one down the road, even if that road turns out to be a long, winding one that takes years to cover. I know of one person who ran a math site since 1997, and it took her over ten years before she finally saw the fruits of her labor and was able to earning a living from her website alone. From what I learned about search engines like Google, the older your domain gets, the more trusted it becomes, resulting in higher rankings and more traffic. Some say the tipping point is 4 years, so by this time next year, I could end up seeing a dramatic difference that will boost my earnings potential even more.
In the meantime, this blog is still searching for an identity, a clear purpose, something to help focus my writing and truly make it blossom. It’s sad that I find myself in my early thirties and even after all these years, I still don’t know who I am or who I was meant to be, if I was meant to be anything at all. Am I destined to be a drifter, living a small life where I have no impact on anything, or am I meant for something bigger? Can I overcome my inner demons and become the man God wants me to be, and the man that a future wife could be worthy of, or will I slowly fade away into obscurity and failure?
The story continues…
Tags: anniversary, blog, blogging, dating sites, failure, God, income, income stream, job, journey, land of milk and honey, law school, life, purpose, search engines, traffic, website, writing
Categories: Blog Fog
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Lincoln Adams | February 14, 2009 @ 9:00 amMOVE YOURSELF!
You always live your life,
Never thinking of the future…
PROVE YOURSELF!
You are the move you make,
Take your chances winner/loser…
I was planning to blog a short series of posts given the unusual lineup of Friday the 13th being followed by Valentine’s Day this year. Ironically enough both days have significant meanings to me. One of the worst days of my life happened on Valentine’s Day, while my career plans to attend law school effectively ended on a Friday the 13th.
Instead I got caught up staring at my server logs all day long because my blog kept going down in flames during heavy traffic spikes, and I couldn’t figure out why. It got to the point that I was ready to quit blogging once and for all. That’s how upset I was.
In a way I feel like this is it, the last option I have in weaving a career and a life that I could be happy with. And given the times we live in today, I don’t think I could have picked anything as monumentally stupid to stake my future on than this. But I felt like I had no choice. God had closed every other door I tried, to the point that it seems like my destiny will amount to nothing more than working a deadend job and living with Mommy dearest until I die of a brain tumor.
And just to make sure I absolutely know what a miserable failure I am, let’s have a blogging success story that I can only dream about thrown in my face the very same day I spend hours crying and tearing my hair out over my own malfunctioning blog. Yes, let’s do that, because God knows my batter and bruised esteem simply hasn’t been stomped on enough throughout the years.
Why does that happen anyway? Am I imagining this? Because it seems like whenever I’m at a pivotal point where I endure a major setback or failure, right at my lowest moment I get bashed over the head by the prosperity and success of others close to me. What the hell, dude.
It seems like the entire universe is conspiring together to either drive me to suicide or a catatonic state where I spend the rest of my days staring at the wall of a padded room at the Sunshine and Happy Happy Home. I don’t get it. I don’t get why all of life is determined to crush whatever hope is left in me, and that it actually seems to step up its efforts to do so on Valentine’s Day.
SEE YOURSELF!
You are the steps you take,
You and you – and that’s the only way…
SHAKE - SHAKE YOURSELF!
You’re every move you make,
So the story goes…
There does come a point where I have to shake the hurt off and move on though. And I guess this year is going to be all about accomplishing just that. I can either move forward and push just as hard as life keeps pushing me until I finally prevail, or I can lay down and die, both spiritual and physically. But no matter how beaten down I’ve been, that hope that’s still flickering somewhere inside me continues to survive, and as long as it’s there, I don’t think I’ll ever truly give up. I may despair and cry and whine and wail at times (ok, a lot of times), but though I am cast down, I am not defeated, and my heart may be lonely, but it isn’t broken yet.
So go blow it out your ying yang Valentine’s Day, and whatever dark forces that keep conspiring to put an end to me, because I am not going to go silently into that good night. Bring on the noise. 
WATCH IT NOW – the eagle in the sky,
How he dancin’ one and only…
YOU – lose yourself,
No not for pity’s sake,
There’s no real reason to be lonely…
BE YOURSELF - give your free will a chance,
You’ve got to work to succeed!
Tags: blog, blogging, career, career plan, conspiracy, destiny, failure, fight, friday the 13th, future, God, job, law school, life, lonely, meaning, server, success, Valentine
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
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This Will Be My Last Valentine’s Day Alone
Lincoln Adams | February 13, 2009 @ 7:48 pmAnd that is without a doubt, because by next year I’ll not only be debt free, I’ll also have a nice little nest egg too, so I’ll be able to afford a hooker for V-Day 2010. 
What? I’m not gonna do anything, I’m just looking for the company, that’s all. 
Hopefully though it won’t come to that. Maybe sometime between now and next February, things will have changed enough that the doors to love will finally swing open, and young, single women everywhere will suddenly discover my inner hotness and wubs me for who I am, green warts and all. It could happen right?
I want to believe it could happen, and indeed I was even given a sign that it would happen, but here’s the thing: I suck. I truly, unequivocally, unquestionably suck a moose’s dead cooties.
No decent girl on this earth who has lived a virtuous life full of kindness and charity should have to be punished by being saddled with a mooch guzzling hairy buttbag like me. I really don’t deserve to have someone special in my life. I don’t deserve to have a helpmate, a best friend, an equal partner in love. I don’t deserve to be happy.
I’ve been a failure my whole life, and I will always be a failure. That’s just how it is, and the kind of girl I’m looking for deserves nothing less than a winner. Besides, it’s too late to meet someone anyway. I’m already past my prime, I’m disabled, my hair is turning gray and I’ll probably be bald by Christmas, and God knows I’m already ugly enough as it is. All I’ve ever wanted was to experience young love, and that opportunity has finally slipped away. I’ll never know what it’s like to “rejoice with the wife of my youth.” I’ll never know what it’s like to be in love with someone who’s in love with me.
I don’t even see the point of blogging any more. All I’ve done was work myself like a dog for over two years to keep this site going and hoping some day to profit from it, and then I have to watch while others blog for merely a week and suddenly they get opportunities left and right without even breaking a sweat. Why? Because I suck. Al Bundy has had more success than me. At least he scored 4 touchdowns in a high school football game. I was in the marching band, and I wasn’t even first string either.
Sigh. I suck.
Tags: Al Bundy, blog, depression, failure, hooker, loneliness, love, sadness, single, success, Valentine
Categories: Romance and Relationships
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The year is over, and I’m ready for a NEW SENSATION!
Lincoln Adams | December 31, 2008 @ 9:00 amI love blogging, especially when it gives me the opportunity to read some of my old posts and have a good laugh at what a stupid moron I am. Case in point: check out my new year’s eve post from a year ago:
Still, there’s something about the coming year that makes me think I may be in for something different this time. The number 8 is said to symbolize new beginnings, and man, after this awful stretch I’ve been in since the turn of the millennium, a new beginning sounds just like what the doctor ordered.
Here’s what I hope I’ll be able to accomplish in 2008:
- Clear up my health problems and get strong again (vith ripplin’ mosscles to impress de vooomen.)
- Generate a stable income of at least $1250 a month via my blog.
- Get out of my dead end job and find a new career, whether it’s with another agency or by becoming self employed.
- Move somewhere else, either out of state, or to nowhere in particular, depending on how successful I am in earning a living off the Internet.
- Meet the girl of my dreams.
What in crap’s name was I smoking that day.
Yeah, I think it’s pretty much safe to say now that I have accomplished absolutely none of these things. In fact a month later my health got even worse, starting with my hands suddenly going numb, then my right foot, then my tongue. It was like somebody had poured Novocaine on parts of my body or something. Weirdest, most unsettling feeling ever too. Then flecks of blood would come out every time I blew my nose, and I started having weird breathing problems as well. Then I had a neck cramp, where if I turned my head slightly to the left, I would shriek like a 6 year old girl in pain, and man, that cramp stuck around for several months before it finally went away. Through it all I was always fatigued and completely without energy. It really killed whatever aspirations I had for the year, and yet for whatever reason I refused to see a doctor. I guess going through all that made me kind of give up on life in general, not to mention all the goals I had.
And then of course, the economy blew up in our faces and the Antichrist’s little mini-me won the election. Great year, huh? 
So yeah, I’m very much glad that this sucky-mcducky suck-a-butt crapfest of a year is finally over. But in spite of all the major setbacks I experienced, I have the oddest feeling that 2009 is going to be the year that 2008 wasn’t. I’m finally planning to see a doctor in January to get myself tested every which way so I can find out what’s wrong with me, and force myself to get back on the path to being strong and healthy again. I also have something in the works to bring myself the traffic I need so I can finally earn money through this blog, and I’m also on an accelerated repayment plan to pay off my car loan and college loan, making me completely debt free by July. Once that happens I’ll be making plans to move as well. Maybe it won’t be out of state, but at least it will be far, far away from the awful memories of this evil town.
And then of course, there’s the event that made me truly believe that the girl of my dreams was real, and that she will be there waiting for me once I decide to stop being such a weenie.
So… 2009 will have to be the year that I man up for real. The world is after all in grave danger, and desperately needs a hero now more than ever. I for one am just studly enough for the job, ready to ride on my Black Stallion to save the day and get the girl, all to the tune of INXS, but of course. 
Happy New Year!
Tags: aspirations, black stallion, blog, debt, election, failure, fatigue, girl of my dreams, health problems, hero, new beginnings, new year, number 8, resolutions, world
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
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Invest Two Dollars, Get Back One!
Lincoln Adams | November 30, 2008 @ 7:55 pmI’ve been spending the weekend exploring ways to bring more traffic to my site, which took me into the brave new world of domains. There’s an industry out there built on the notion that if you purchase enough old domains that once amassed a ton of backlinks and redirect these domains back to your website, it will give your site enough juice to bring in serious traffic.
The problem is, this whole domain business smacks of the stock market and gives me a bloody serious headache. There are literally hundreds of thousands of domains that expire (or are about to expire) every day, and sometimes you have to bid on them if they’re in high demand. Theoretically though, if you invest enough money into enough valuable domains, the dividends will make it worthwhile over the long run. So say I spend $1,000 on domains. If (and that’s a big IF) it brings in enough traffic that I end up making $500 a month in revenues as a result, I will have eventually gotten back what I invested after two months, and then some.
Here’s the thing though: every investment I have ever made in life has been a monumental failure with a capital F. Whether it was school or life or internet projects or relationships or whatnot, whatever I have purported to do in life has always resulted in ultimate FAIL.
So with that kind of batting average, do I really want to spend thousands of dollars grabbing up all kinds of domain names in the hopes that they will collectively bring me the kind of traffic I’ve been looking for?
See, that would work for other people, but not for me. Somehow, the laws of physics and economics all stop at my doorstep. You ever seen the show Lost? Well consider me the island. Once you’re on my shores, you can just forget about everything you’ve ever thought you knew about how the universe worked, because it’s all been rendered moot here. I am a walking wormhole of anomalies, a glitch in the system.
That’s why I’m kind of hesitant in blowing thousands of bucks on this new experiment, especially when I’m so close to paying off my debts too. I just want this blog to work out so badly, and the more I think about things and about finding another job or another career, the more I’d rather be out of the workforce altogether and be self-sufficient and self-employed, that way I can live anywhere and go anywhere. I don’t want to be stuck at one job in one place forever and ever. I need to MOVE, baby.
So, I don’t know. I think I’m just gonna leave this alone for now, and once all my debts have been squared off, I’ll come back to this and maybe think about making smaller investments instead of going all out, and see if it goes anywhere. I’m just so sick and tired of my 5 visits a day traffic that I’m just chomping at the bit to get SOMETHING going. Gaaaah. 
Tags: backlinks, blog, debt, domain, domain names, domains, experiment, FAIL, failure, internet, investment, job, life, money, traffic, website, workforce
Categories: Blog Fog
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What’s worth fighting for?
Lincoln Adams | November 20, 2008 @ 6:45 pmOne of the things that really kill any incentive to pull myself together and get my life back on track is that there seems to be nothing worth fighting for. I have no desire to fight for myself, because I’m kinda of a weenie and don’t like myself very much, so there’s no motivation there. I can’t fight for my parents either, because they’d actually be better off if I were dead. That way they could get my pension, my car and the rest of my possessions, which is enough to afford them a nice house somewhere without having to take out a mortgage. Really, I’m holding them back just by being alive.
If anything, I should be fighting for God, but I can never be convinced that He loves or cares about me, even when there are occasionally signs to the contrary. It always seems like the people who have hurt me the most in my life end up getting ridiculously rewarded for their malice, and I’ve never understood why. It’s like I’m a lucky charm for my worst enemies. 
That’s why there are times I suspect that He cares more about my enemies than He does about me. It’s really a battle to try to change that perception too, especially when on top of that everything else I do in life amounts to a complete failure. Whatever I say or do has little to no impact on anything. I can’t change lives for the better, help people get saved, or contribute anything of value to society or the church. I am hated by all and loved by none, and it’s like I don’t even bother anymore because I know I’ll just fail as usual, so what’s the point? (And before you start berating me for having this loser attitude, just remember it took years of perpetual failures and disappointments to develop this self-defeating mentality, so nyah.)
Then there’s the girl of my dreams factor. One of the worst sins I could think of having committed is that I prolonged meeting her only because I’ve been such a weenie all these years. But is she really out there at the end of the rainbow, waiting for me to get my act together and go get her? Or am I just deluding myself into thinking she is, when the cold, hard truth of the matter is that she doesn’t exist after all, and I will live and die alone?
There were times though when I thought I had met her, and it was within those times that I found all the motivation I needed to get my life in order. I stopped hiding in my own skin and started taking care of myself. My clothes were new and fashionable. My place was always clean. I became more outgoing and personable. My performance at work improved dramatically I just did everything better.
And then it would all come crashing down when it became obvious that she wasn’t in fact the one, sometimes in the most cruelest way imaginable. Afterwards it was all I could do to even get out of bed some days. Sometimes I’d sleep for 12-15 hours straight, and even then I still couldn’t get up. When I did get up though I had a devil may care attitude about life, purposely hurting myself and not giving a damn. And then I would go back to sleep again for another 15 hours.
Things may calm down after a while, but I never do break out of this vicious cycle completely. Yet… what if I could be convinced that there really was somebody out there for me after all? Not just merely hope there was someone, but know it for a fact? If that were the case, there’s no way I’d behave like this, because now my attitude is adversely affecting someone else’s life. It would be wrong of me then not to pull my life together so I could be there for her. I’d feel the same way if I had children too, because there is just no way I could excuse myself with living the way I do if it’s going to hurt my kids. They deserve the best of me, 8 days of week, and they (as well as the girl of my dreams) would definitely be worth fighting for.
As the years go by though and I get older, these dreams and hopes begin to fade away, and with it my desire to live.
I guess I’m looking for something tangible now that will give me enough resolve to fight again, and I don’t mean mere wishy washy, hopey o’ change signs, but something truly rock solid. If the girl of my dreams is out there, I will fight for her. If a better future awaits me, I will fight for it. But I have to believe it. I have to know it to be true.
Show me the way, and I will walk in it. Help me find what’s worth fighting for.
Tags: attitude, better future, church, depression, despair, disappointment, disappointments, dream, dreams, enemies, failure, fight, fighting, girl of my dreams, God, incentive, loser, motivation, parents, purpose
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
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Feeling Crucified
Lincoln Adams | March 21, 2008 @ 4:02 pmWeird that I’d be in such a somber mood today, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders as I ponder just how evil the human race has been to me and those I love.
And yet no matter how much I try to get beyond that, no matter how much I try to climb out of this pit of despair and emptiness, there’s always some pig-f*&%er at the top just waiting for the chance to stomp me in the face so I end up free falling back to the bottom again.
Maybe I should accept the reality that failure seems to be my inescapable destiny, and trying to fight it is a fool’s errand that will only prolong the inevitable. Those who lie, cheat and steal to enrich themselves will always prosper obscenely, while my own moral conscience imprisons me from doing the same, all but guaranteeing that I will always be poor, pissed on, and shackled to a dead end job with no future.
The players get all the women, the cheaters get all the money, the liars get all the glory. There is no room left on this planet for a man who aspires to follow after moral uprightness and integrity, even if he himself falls just short of doing so.
For all my efforts, I remain alone, rejected and forgotten. In life I am a ghost, a scentless vapor drifting through the world, incapable of making its presence known, unable to leave its mark.
Unable, to be loved.
Tags: depression, despair, failure, injustice, loneliness, unloved
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
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