After checking into my hotel I noticed it had a faux fireplace, which had me squeeing in joy. Sure it’s a fake, but a fireplace is a fireplace, and I will take it one way or the other.

And then, of course, it suddenly stopped working.

No matter what I did, the thing would NOT TURN ON at all, so I went downstairs to the front desk to seek help. It was around 10 at night, so I wasn’t expecting much though. A very pretty girl was there, with long raven black hair and mocha skin, currently taking a call on the phone. After she hung up, she asked what she could do for me.

“Yeah, I’m an idiot, but I’m trying to get my fireplace working and I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. I pressed all the buttons on the remote here and nothing’s happening.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry about that. Let me come up with you, and we’ll see if we can’t get it going again.”

“Uh… sure, that’d be great.” She was going to come with me to my hotel room??

She followed me up the stairs, and I could feel my ears burning the way they always do when a beautiful girl gets in close proximity to me. We talked a little on the way up, though my mind was racing as I tried to furiously remember where I had left my teddy bear, and if I could get to it fast enough to hide it before she saw it.

We finally entered the room, and I showed her the fireplace. She looked around and tried the remote a few times while I watched her. I noticed the teddy was on the bed, so I casually moved back, and quickly tucked him under the covers. Whew. Sorry Koko, but I gotta be a man tonight.

I walked up beside her again as we both looked at the nonworking fireplace. She started laughing.

“Well it’s definitely not you. I can’t get it to work either. Let me call maintenance and then go see if I can get an instruction manual. I’ll be right back.”

“Sure!”

When she left, I quickly ran to my laptop and IMed to whoever I was chatting with then:

“OMG there’s a beautiful girl in my room and she’s trying to light my fire!!!111 BRB!!!”

She came back a minute or two later with the manual, and started reading the instructions. I went around the fireplace to see if there were any switches too, then went back to her.

“What does the manual say?”

“Well…” She leaned her head over and shared the manual with me, her hair brushing over my arm and shoulders.

Oh mercy mommy.

I looked at the manual but I couldn’t see any words.

“Hmm,” she went on, oblivious to the fact that my body temperature had gone up 100 degrees, “It says to pull the plug and leave it off for 5 minutes. Sometimes it just needs to warm up before it will go on.”

Oh we’re warmed up here, believe me.

“Oh, ok, I’ll go pull the plug then.”

While I pulled the plug she got on her knees and felt around for a switch, then looked at the manual again. Completely girlie-like, completely adorable. I resisted the damned near overwhelming urge to drop beside her and play with her hair. My goodness, so adorable…

As I watched her in loving adoration, it struck me just how trusting she had been. She didn’t mind being close to me, didn’t mind that she was alone with a strange man who could have just as easily locked the room to have his way with her. And she didn’t mind… talking to me either.

The experience was completely new to me. I was too used to seeing women refusing to even acknowledge my existence, and those few times when they did acknowledge it, my presence was always welcomed with derision and scorn. But this? What was this about? I know it’s her job and all, but she was certainly going above and beyond anything I ever expected. Did she not find me hideous? Am I not repugnant and disgusting to behold? Indeed I had glanced at the mirror in my room a few times since she had been here, and I hated what I saw. Yet she didn’t mind my company at all.

After I pulled the plug we both sat and chatted for a while. She had been working at the hotel for a few years and was a local. She gets bored at times, but she does prefer and enjoy the peace and quiet of the countryside. I talked a little about my background and she showed genuine curiosity about me and what I did. A few minutes flew by, and we tried the fireplace again. Still no luck.

“I’m so sorry, I really hoped I would have gotten this fixed for you.” She patted and held my arm. Somewhere in the distance I could hear a chorus of angels singing.

I love you, marry me please?

“Oh it’s no problem, you really went out of your way to help me, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that.”

“It’s no trouble at all. I’ll leave a note for the manager to check again and if it still doesn’t work we’ll have it replaced. You’ll be here for a few days?”

“Yeah, till Wednesday.”

“Great, we should definitely have it fixed or replaced by the next morning.”

“Thanks so much.”

She smiled warmly as I held the door for her, and then she was gone.

I thought about chasing after her. But what would I say? She was a local, and thus hundreds of miles away from where I really lived. And I was so love starved that I wondered if I was reading far too much into her behavior, and if I had asked her out for coffee or whatever, she would have given me the cold shoulder then. The rejection would have crushed me.

I replayed her sweet smile in my head, her hand on my arm and squeezing ever so gently, choosing to enjoy the hospitality I had received and simply accept it at that. I happened to look up and just about jumped out of my skin when I saw the fireplace was on again.

What the!??

It had just inexplicably turned on again. She had lit my fire after all.

I haven’t seen her since though, and I leave for home again tomorrow morning, but before I check out I’ll stop one more time and see if I can’t get her email at least.

But even if not, I don’t think she’ll ever realize the impact she had on me. Indeed, since I’ve been here, I’ve noticed I don’t draw the kind of reaction I see from women back home, and I wonder if the reason it’s been so difficult to find a sweet girl has more to do about location than any character flaw of mine (which are too numerous to count). Even at restaurants here, I’ve seen one or two pretty looking girls actually… smile at me. And not platonic either, I mean the kind of smile I would see from someone when I’ve just made their day.

And all I can think to myself is: why the @#$% aren’t these girls using eHarmony? It seems that if I’m going to find a girl who is sugar and spice and everything nice, then I was going to have to do this the old fashioned way: get up off my sweet love biscuits and travel to meet these women in the real world instead. The further away from home, the better.

But at least for now, this country girl with her sweet demeanor and hospitality helped me believe again that women like her still existed, full of life and innocence and wubbie wubs. She gave me hope again.

Tags: concierge, country, eharmony, fireplace, girl, girls, hotel, innocence, sweet, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Previously I signed up for eHarmony’s 3 month special where you pay “only” $19.95 a month for three months. I’ve been so fed up with this service and the quality of matches they sent me that I figured I could cancel early before the second month started and get refunded for the months I didn’t use.

Silly me, of course I couldn’t do THAT.

I should have known I was going to get screwed, since buried several layers deep into eHarmony’s site was this clause regarding refunds:

…your subscription will terminate at the end of the subscription term for which you have paid, and you will not receive any refund for any unused days of such subscription term. Please note that if you paid for your subscription or renewal using a multi-part payment option, you may only cancel your subscription or renewal after the final payment has been paid.

So I can’t even cancel until late November. I was going let it go and cut my losses, but eHarmony has royally frosted my cupcakes now, so instead, I think I’ll start having a little fun.

It’s obvious I’m not good enough for my eHarmony matches, so rather than be honest and sincere about who I am, it’s time to fake it ’till I make it! Let’s sweeten the pot here and offer up the eWhores everything they could ever want in a man, no matter how outlandish their criteria is.

This is where you, my beloved audience comes in. I am asking each of you (the men included) to reach into their inner whoreness and tell me what exactly it is that will get these matches chomping at the bit for a piece of me.

So far I put in that I was a venture capitalist who likes to spend his free time down at the orphanage to feed the starving children, but then I thought, maybe my match will think me being a VC will mean I won’t have any free time for her, or she may be averse to the idea that I’ve been spending time with poor children (children are ok, she just may not like the poor ones.)

I also put in that I was 6′5″, but now I’m thinking that might be too tall. I’m an average 5′9″, but that doesn’t seem nearly enough for many women, so I’ll need to pad on a few inches there. It’s just a question of how much.

I also previously thought my brown eyes was an asset, but then again brown matches the color of poo poo, and that might subconsciously signify to the woman that I am really a dung hill of a compost heap who is not worth her time. Perhaps I should go with bright blue then, the equivalent color of an endless ocean of wubs. And do I need 6 pack abs here, or will a merely healthy body be enough? Hmmmmm….

You see why I need all y’all input here? I’m just not gonna be able to devise the PERFECT (yet believable) fake profile without your help. What job should I have? How should I look? What do I do in my free time? And does the kind of car I drive really matter that much?

Afterwards, I’ll probably need to scour Flickr for some fake but realistic photos of the new me too.

Tags: eharmony, fake profile, match, perfect man, refund, women
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Only a few days left before I dropkick my eHarmony subscription in the face, and already I’m ready to take a vow of celibacy and join Al Bundy’s activist group NO MA’AM.

I get matched to a few lawyers, mental health professionals and other women working in full time careers that keep them ridiculously busy, but still I sent them all communication requests, since they seemed to pretty much have it together and were cute. You think I get a response? Of course not. They haven’t closed the match though, they’re just too busy to do much of anything, see.

And right away I know what they really want. They don’t want a relationship. What they DO want is a weekend boy toy, somebody to fill in those gaps of what little free time they have left over after working their jobs, a secondhand cuddle toy that they can squeeze like a Tickle Me Elmo doll for a few minutes before running right back to work or other commitments, leaving me in the lurch to twiddle my thumbs and wait until they’re finally free to hang out again.

I’ve seen this attitude before, women who would tell me they’ll be right back on IM and then disappear for a day, two days, a week, 2 weeks, before finally popping up again, no apology, no explanation, totally oblivious to their bad manners. What really chaps my Calvin Kleins about it all is that when you call them out on it, they accuse you of being a sissy boy who can’t handle being alone for more than 30 seconds, and real men wouldn’t be so clingy and if I can’t handle it then I don’t deserve them, blah blah blah. They exhaust every excuse to justify their rudeness, honestly believing that I am to sit down, shut up and wait patiently until they’re ready to finally bestow me with the greatness of their presence once again. For a few minutes that is.

It explains the attraction to aloof guys, and the amusing logical result of it when they wring their hands trying to figure out why such a guy doesn’t yearn for them and was so easily able to dump them like bad coffee, having already moved on to his next conquest.

And here’s the thing: if you don’t have 2 minutes of free time to reply to a request to communicate on eHarmony, just how much free time are you going to have for a real relationship? And I’m sorry, I am not going to be anybody’s weekend boyfriend, so if that’s your angle, you can go suck the ass of a moose. That’s not how I roll.

And before people start whining about how men do this all the time to women, I’m not excusing that either. It’s wrong when either side does it, and if it’s wrong when men do it, why would it be ok when women do it too? If you have a busy job, but you want a relationship and someone special in your life but you ain’t got the time, then MAKE time. Simple as that. You want it bad enough, you’ll find a way. I sacrifice my time to be with someone I care about, why can’t you? You say I’m too clingy? *bleep* you.

So women want a guy who is secure and happy without the need for girlie wubs, and therefore not clingy or piney or whatever the hell it is that offends you women so much that we would have the audacity to yearn for your presence. Since that’s the case, where would you expect to find such a secure-without-a-woman dude willing to put up with your mind bending neurosis? Uranus??

So how ’bout this then, I cling to my money and a single life free of your mind games and bull donkey turd, and you can cling to your precious careers and your never-ending search for one-sided wubs. See which one of us will end up happier, biznatches.

I leave you now with this Youtube vid that exemplifies for all time why women these days are just not worth the trouble anymore.

Tags: attitude, boy toy, boyfriend, career, eharmony, free time, life, profession, relationship, vow of celibacy, women, YouTube
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So I get another eHarmony match, but this one lived too far away and was way too tall (women who are taller than me are freaks of nature and threaten my sense of manhood.)

But she sent me a questionnaire indicating interest, so I saw a perfect opportunity to make her think she was rejecting me instead. All I had to do was answer the questions in a way that would send her running for the hills.

First question: When in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally find you need?

My response: I need considerable time to myself for personal reflection. Last thing I need is a woman who is all up in my space.

Second question: How romantic are you?

My response: I believe romance is highly overrated and do not believe in it at all.

Third question: How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?

My response: I do not like to talk about myself with anyone, especially a woman. I do not see the point in discussing things like this as I consider it to be a waste of time.

15 minutes later, she closed the match. Why oh why, did she reject me, I’ll never know.

Tags: eharmony, manhood, match, questionnaire, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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For the past few weeks I’ve been getting wave after wave of new matches on my trial eHarmony account, an account I’ve kept open just for kicks for the past year or so. Lately some of them have been sending me communication requests, but since I wasn’t paying I couldn’t respond to them, or see how ugly they looked either.

And of course this is all times neatly with eHarmony’s 3 month deal where I “only” have to pay 19.95 a month, a deal that ended July 25th, which they then extended to August 5th, then August 15th, then August 20th, then the 25th, then the 30th, with each new email alert giving me the same URGENT message that I better hurry up and sign up soon or the deal will expire and be gone forever and ever and ever…!

Whatever.

But since women were attempting to contact me, I thought I owed it to them to at least be courteous and respond, since they obviously paid for the service, and eHarmony’s horse crapola practice of matching people with non-paying subscribers was a fraudulent injustice that I could personally do something about (as long as I was willing to chivalrously fall on my sword and let the scum sucking bastages scam me out of $60.)

Plus, I wanted to see how ugly my matches looked.

So I finally signed up for real today and began sifting through all my matches. I had about 100 up to this point, roughly have of which were closed too, and of course these were the better looking matches too. Ah well, they all looked like slutty babylonian harlots anyway, so I counted it no big loss. When you close a match you can give a reason as to why you’re doing so, and my favorite one thus far was some hoochie mama of a ho bag who closed her match with me because “the physical distance between us was too great,” despite the fact that she lives about 4 miles away from me. Yeah, ok. I guess I had to live in the same apartment building to be close enough for her.

After I went through the closed matches out of morbid curiosity, I started going through my active ones. I noticed what seems to be a consistent pattern too. Either the matches were whale mountain beasts who create human solar eclipses wherever they walked, or they were hot but slutty looking trampers who worked for the theater. I must have emphasized my creative side a bit too much in my personality profile, because these theater/actress matches were a dime a dozen.

I knew what they were all about too. Since they travel around the country to perform in shows and musicals, their social circle is therefore limited to the people they travel with, and if they’re having no success with that circle, their only recourse for the most part is to go online.

Basically those theater girls would expect me to be content with a relationship where they blow town for several weeks or months at a time, and when they come back, I’m to be their stand-by male escort where I cater to their feminine needs by providing them manly company and buying them jewelry, all in the vain hopes that I’ll get a kissy wissy in return, at least until they skip town again after 3-4 days to perform at other shows.

It only takes me 2-3 seconds to close those kinds of matches. Maybe a few seconds more if they’re hotter than usual and have nice big honking-

But anyhoo…

After dropping the theater harlots and the whale mountain man beasts, I went from 50 active matches to about 4. One girl mentioned her love for pizza and actually eating a whole pie once, so she automatically made the cut. What? You talk pizza and you’re already halfway into my heart, fo’ sho’!

The other two were missionaries and seemed like nice people, so I kept them as well (even though the traveling thing becomes an issue again with missionary types, but at least they’re better stock than the theater people…. I hope.) The last one was a lawyer, which alone was grounds for closing, but she was very pretty, so I hesitated. She also has a huge smile too… like ridiculously Joker huge, but since her teeth are white and purdy I guess it’s all good. Judging from her profile though, she does seem a bit too far out of my caste system, so I don’t expect much there.

And that’s pretty much it. My account will expire at the end of November, and once it does I am DONE. Seriously. I’ve always gravitated towards dating sites because of my hearing loss, but I think that’s an issue I’m just gonna have to learn to put up with when befriending women in real life, and maybe over the course of time I’ll meet one who won’t think of me as broken, inferior goods just because I have a hearing loss, or because my job doesn’t pay well enough, or because I don’t drive a BMW.

Maybe, some day. But if not, I think the single life paired with an occasional trip to Prague (where prostitution is legal and CHEAP) would suit me just fine.

Tags: dating, dating site, dating sites, eharmony, girls, harlot, hearing loss, online, pizza, profile, relationship, theater, women
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So you’re offering free communication with matches this weekend?  Really?  Then why is it when I want to “Fast Track” it and email a match directly so I can bypass the 5 million questionnaires you normally force us to send each other, that I’m instead redirected to a payment page where you literally scream in big honking words fabulous payment plans that start at $60 a month?

Oh I see, you didn’t actually mean I could talk to a match, just that I’ve been granted the luxurious privilege of trudging through 8 separate steps of trading questions and quizzes, at which point if I somehow actually make it to the final step before the weekend’s up, I’m once again taken to the payment page.

Yeah that’s some real communication you offer there, you tub of money grubbing ass bunnies.

Never mind that you have the fudging balls to plaster big honking BANNER advertising all over my account pages, which I’m sure must nicely pad your already bloated revenue stream, and yet somehow you just can’t find it in your budget to offer even one day of actual communication that doesn’t amount to a pile of fossilized monkey droppings?  Really, not even just one day out of the entire flipping year?

But no, you want me to start ponying up some serious cash just so I can truly benefit from your groundbreaking matching algorithms (which I’m sure involves nothing more than a giant globe of lottery balls spitting out the names of matches at random.)

And yet even with my wallet drained and the system dropping 50 matches into my account (49 of who promptly close their match with me), this is what I’m left with:

29 dimensions of compatibility my ass.

Tags: advertising, compatibility, eharmony, online dating, online dating sites, rant
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