Tag Archives | dreams

It’s official, I’m really going to the Rockies (assuming I don’t get hit by a train before then)

Written by on August 12, 2011
Filed Under Personal Reflections
Looking down the valley toward Ouray from the Camp Bird Mine, Ouray County, Colorado. (LOC)

Ouray, Colorado

First I booked the flight, then I booked the rental, and today, after fighting Priceline for 2 days with bids on top of failed bids, I finally booked the hotel, right next to the 16th Street Mall.  It actually wound up being closer to the bus stop (where I’ll arrive from the airport) than the rental place, so I may end up checking in first to drop off my bags before picking up the car.

Colorado.  Sheesh.  It only took me 20 years.

Ever since I got it in me to dream about living in a log cabin surrounded by snowy mountains, with a wolf-dog named Caleb and a wife who looked like that girl in the soap opera that I used to crush on, Colorado was always on my radar.  I would live there, in a dry climate, with cool summers and snowy winters, and beautiful autumn seasons.  I would bake my wife pizza and in return she would bake me cupcakes.  We would sit by the fire and snuggle and talk of life and poetry, while Caleb happily dozed away near our feet..

And right before I graduated college in ’98, I thought, if only for a moment, that I would actually achieve that dream.  I had applied for a job back then with the Boulder Police Department (yes, THAT Boulder Police Department) to be a computer forensic technician.  Since that was the kind of job I had been studying in school for since the beginning, I thought it was meant to be.  I was going to move to Colorado.  I was going to get the job I wanted, working in law enforcement, living in the mountains.  I was going to meet the girl of my dreams.  It was really going to happen.  At 21 years old, this was truly going to be the beginning of the rest of my life.

And then I came in sixth in the applicant process.  Out of a pool of, well, six applicants.

And the dream slipped away.  I would never see Colorado.  I would never find that log cabin.  I would never find her.

I tried again, I think, hard to remember what I exactly did after that, but I’m pretty sure I tried for other jobs in Colorado.  But… the Darkness that was New York swallowed me whole and sent me spiraling down a bottomless pit of misery and despair.

13 years of plague and darkness.  Until finally… a dim light breaks through.  The light… of a computer monitor, as it displays my confirmed reservations for Colorado.

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Memories… nothing but the… memories

Written by on June 1, 2011
Filed Under Personal Reflections

I was thinking about photo scanning some of my old photos from back in the days when having an IBM computer was still considered cool.  After digging through some of my things, I happened across a picture of myself taken during my 18th birthday.  Ahhh, I was so vibrant and full of life then.  Full of hopes and dreams for the future, you know, before the world sat on my head, crushed my spirit, and urinated over all my dreams like a dog on a hydrant.

Now that  I’m close to middle-aged, I realized that I have achieved precisely NOTHING of what I had set out to accomplish after I graduated high school.  I never moved out of New York.  I never found the career I was looking for.  I never met a girl.  I never got married.  I never had kids.   I never even got to see the Rockies.   I am still basically living the same life I lived when I was a teenager, except with more money to spend.

On the upside, at least I got to experience eating a fried twinkie.

But still, I hate that I haven’t really begun to live.  Not really through any fault of my own though, as my life was derailed by awful circumstances caused by evil men and women (but mostly women).  I’m only now trying to pick up the pieces and live the kind of life I’ve always wanted to live.

And I think it’s time I worked to fulfill one dream: visiting the Colorado Rockies.  I’m planning to make that my next trip this fall, enjoying the spectacular fall foliage as I drive through the mountains and experience the wonders of nature where it’s not polluted by smelly, disgusting humans.  I might even try to include a mini road-trip to Yellowstone Park as well.  The only thing I know for sure is that if I fly, I’ll land at Denver and go from there.  If I decide to road trip it, I’ll have to figure out if such an endeavor is doable within the span of 3-4 weeks.  I’d have to take a lot of time off work, and although I enjoyed my last road trip I HATED the fact that I was on a deadline, and had to be back in New York in time to return to work.  Most of the trip felt rushed because of it.  Still, I liked the autonomy of hitting the roads, so it’s something I’ll be contemplating.

What do you think: drive or fly?

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Last night I had the strangest dream…

Written by on May 19, 2011
Filed Under Tumblelog

So I dream that I’m walking into a diner, and looking around I noticed this beautiful girl in a flowery dress at one of the tables.  Kinda Jessica Alba-ish looking, only she was sporting a bruise on her knee.  Still, absolutely beautiful.  She was then walking out, but as she passed me, she held my arm for a few seconds before finally walking out the door.

I then sat down and started daydreaming about her while the song “Anytime You Need a Friend” by Mariah Carey played over the radio.  And it occurred to me:  I’m daydreaming about the girl of my dreams… in my dream.

When did my life get to be so meta?

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A Stranger in Texas

Written by on March 14, 2011
Filed Under Travelogues

I gave SXSW (South by Southwest) every chance I could. Endless panels that taught me nothing, failed or missed networking opportunities that came and went, people that didn’t even want free stuff I was offering them, parties I weren’t invited to, and meetups where apparently everyone already knew everyone else, while I myself knew no one.

And really, explain to me how that works. How does a meetup that’s built on the idea of meeting new people wind up being a gathering of old friends instead? Bloody hell.

I tried though. I forced myself to get out of my shell and engage people in conversation, but you know how it is when you talk to someone and when you run out of things to say, they don’t pick up where you leave off because they want the conversation to be OVER? That’s how it was. People talked to me but only to humor me, while they looked to see where their real buds were or checked their watches, wishing they were someplace else.

I know I’m really in trouble though when people won’t come near me even when I have expensive, free stuff to give away. I was doing a brand promotion for Otterbox and was given a few protective cases to hand out at random to whoever wanted them. I posted notices on Twitter, I announced the freebies at panels, offered to hand them out at meetups, and even bellowed on street corners like a newsboy that I was giving away awesome cases for free.

NOBODY WANTED THEM.

Not because Otterbox is a bad brand mind you, in fact they are one of the top brands around for providing protective gear for fragile merchandise such as your iPhone, but apparently nobody could believe I was really giving this away. I’m starting to understand now why they have women do things like this, since you’re more likely to be drawn to a Jessica Alba type girl handing out freebie goodies than a hairy Italian dude who looks mobbed up. Because to them, it looked like I had just boosted the Otterbox cases from a nearby Best Buy and was now looking to dump them quick before the police caught me.

Perception matters after all. Who knew?

I was out of my element and out of my skin, trying to talk to people even though it was so loud I couldn’t hear them, smiling at cute girls on the streets hoping they’d smile back, saying hello to them while we went up the same elevator, talking to a stranger or two while they recharged their iPhones at the convention lounges.

And nothing came of any of it. There was no spark, no connection with anyone I encountered. No one took an interest in me. Really, how long must I endure denying my introverted nature like this before I say enough of this mindless, agonizing social crap?

Networking and socializing is not for me. Or I should say, networking and socializing in REAL LIFE (as opposed to the Internet) is not for me. After several thousands dollars blown, thousands of miles traveled, and endless time wasted attending conferences in strange cities, I think I can finally say this with unquestionable authority now. Ok, so yeah, I may never realize my dreams by refusing to network at functions like this again, and I may never build meaningful friendships and relationships with others if I don’t talk to them in real life.

So be it. I’ve lived long enough to know that I’ve always been the square peg trying to fit into the circle of life. My true nature is to shun humanity, not embrace it, to go my own way, not follow someone else’s path. To try to change this would be to try to change the nature of the scorpion.

SXSW did help me learn a few things though. I learned more about myself and about the world, and because of this experience I’ve decided that I am not going to deny who I am anymore.

I am an introvert. I prefer the quiet to the noisy, the singular to the plural, my path over the path of others. I will embrace myself as a loser rather than deny myself to be a winner. That’s how God made me, so that’s how I will behave.

I will walk alone, and be happy.

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2010 – FINALLY a year that didn’t suck flaming hogballs

Written by on December 31, 2010
Filed Under Personal Reflections

For as long as I can remember, every time a year came to an end I would curse it, spit at it, then kick it in the groin and declare good riddance as I eagerly awaited for the ball to drop to finally put that crap year out of its misery.

But for the first time that I can remember, I’m actually sad to see the year go. Where the Zeros continuously served up one tall glass after another of FAIL, 2010 instead turned out to be a refreshing bowl of WIN, topped off with a sugary dose of AWESOME.

So what made this year so special? Well…

  • It began with my first ever trip to Boston last February. I had so much fun that I was effectively bitten by the travel bug, and I knew my life would never be the same again. My blog would also complete its metamorphosis from a blog where I whined about my failure of a life, to a blog about traveling and geocaching. Although I still whine every now and then, just to a slightly lesser degree. :-D
  • After that trip, I invested in completely upgrading my desktop for the first time in 8 years. I now have a powerhorse that can not only play all the latest games but also makes it SO much easier for me to work on my many blogging projects.
  • By this time (after purchasing my new computer) I was breaking records with the income I was generating from my blog. 2010 would prove to be the most lucrative year I’ve ever had in terms of sponsorships, revenues and giveaways I received as a direct result of blogging.
  • Then came the long awaited GPS cradle for the iPod Touch that I had been pining to get my hands on for months. This was one of the most CRUCIAL purchases I have ever made. It not only made it feasible to use my iPod for geocaching, but it also powered all my geolocation apps from Whrrl to Navigon. It allowed me to do everything I ever wanted to do with an actual iPhone, at least until it finally becomes available on the Verizon network (hopefully next month!)
  • And then came… the MACBOOK. If 2010 had been nothing but a pit of death and destruction, my MacBook’s arrival alone would have ensured that 2010 would still go down as the GREATEST year in history.
  • Although not as important or exciting, It’s still worth noting that this was the year my car received its 60,000 mile service. It’s one of the most extensive (and expensive) service jobs to ever have done for your car, but once it was out of the way I was confident I could rely on my beautiful ride for another 60,000 miles, as well as for the future road trips I was planning.
  • 2010 also marked the first time I ever went to a Drive-In movie theater. The movie sucked, but the food was teh awesum.
  • I would finally, at long last, transform my wardrobe from Walmart drags to Banana Republic/Gap awesomeness. Let it be known that from now on if a girl rejects me, I will at least have the consolation of knowing it wasn’t because I was donning a $5 sweatshirt from Wally World.
  • I also joined Collective Bias, a marketing agency that opened doors for new sponsorships, new possibilities for generating revenue for my blog, as well as a trip to Las Vegas to attend BlogWorld.
  • In October I began my first ever road trip, traveling over 4,000 miles to at least 14 different states. and at least 20 different cities. The experience will stay with me forever.
  • I experienced my first ever car accident too, just outside of Columbus, Ohio.
  • I hadn’t flown on an airplane since I was 14, but that streak was finally broken when I flew to Vegas to attend BlogWorld with my friend Casey. It was also the first time I have ever gone on a flight on my own.
  • And of course, VEGAS! Easily one of the noisiest, busiest and most unbearable cities I have ever been to. Not even the buffets could lure me back there again. The trip to Vegas also marked the first time I’ve ever attended a major conference like BlogWorld as well.
  • After 7 or more years, I would finally meet one of my closest friends, Casey, who discovered my previous blog circa 2003, and has been a thorn on my side ever since. :-D While in Arkansas I had the pleasure of meeting his wife, kids and parents, and in a unusual twist of fate we met up again only a few weeks later, this time on my home turf in New York. For you Psych enthusiasts, I am the Shawn to his Gus, and occasionally vice versa, although we don’t know what started first. It’s like the chicken or the egg, minus the chicken. And possibly the egg.
  • While in Las Vegas I could honestly say the biggest highlight of my trip was meeting Bailey of MakeoverMomma.com. To meet such a beautiful woman who was also hearing impaired like me, but so fiercely determined not to let that keep her down was inspiring. Meeting her family was also a treat and gives me a reason now to visit Virginia in the future. I am so blessed to have her as a friend as well.
  • And finally, I would close the year out with a trip to New Hampshire for an early Christmas getaway, where I took an unbelievable driving tour of the gorgeous White Mountains and feasted on the bestest nachos and pancakes evahs!!11!1 The trip also gave me the occasion to meet yet another Internet friend, who by now I’m sure regrets that decision. LOL, I keed, I keed… I hope.

After all that, it makes me wonder how 2011 will stack up in comparison. Can the new year continue to carry the torch of awesomeness just as 2010 did? There’s certainly a lot expected to happen for 2011 that makes me hopeful. For one, it will mark the arrival of the iPhone on Verizon. YES, YES, THANK YOU GOD, YES.

Not only that but I will probably purchase my first iPad too when the second generation comes out, completing my trifecta of owning an iPhone, MacBook and iPad. I will be an unstoppable force of ubergeekness then.

I also have a few trips and meetups planned already, beginning with a meetup with Bailey in the city in January, then again in February when she comes to attend the fashion show. I trust by then she can sneak me in so I can ensconce myself in a sea of the world’s hottest models, where any one of them could be looking for a downtown man like me. Just like Billy Joel says, so it must be true! :-D

After that I would immediately flee New York (on Valentine’s Day no less) for a trip to Portland, Maine (and possibly beyond), a return to New Hampshire for a day or two, and finally a four day stay at Boston, where everybody knows my name, and they’re always glad I came.

March will be even crazier with a flight to Texas(!!!), where I meet up with Casey again at SXSW for a few days of Texan BBQ, funsies, and possible new networking contacts (read: people who can save me from my current dead-end job.) After SXSW I might rent a car and take a drive from Austin to Dallas for a few extra days of sightseeing around the state before returning home.

In April or May I’m planning another trip to Tennessee for a week long stay in the Smokies, hoping this time around I’ll have a chance to explore Knoxville and some of the surrounding areas before vegging out once again in a gorgeous luxury log cabin. Tee hee. It will also give me a chance to stay in Virginia for a night and meet Bailey and her family again (at which point I have to think that they’re all going to get sick of me by then, lolz.)

After that things get a little fuzzy. There’s a travel blog conference taking place in Vancouver in June and as much as I want to visit the city, I’m not sure it might be worth the investment then. There’s also the tornado chasing expedition I want to join in late June or July in Colorado, something I need to keep hush hush because my mother would be very upset if she knew what I was up to.

I do know it’s a given I’m going to be in either Colorado or somewhere in the Rockies for my 35th birthday in August, because there is absolutely no way in HELL that I am going to be celebrating that here in stinky New York.

2011 could also possibly be the year I travel abroad for the first time. My friend Casey will be traveling to Germany sometime in the fall and I may (permission pending) tag along for the ride, presuming there’s enough room in the trunk to hold me.

The only downside I’m seeing for 2011 has to do with my blog. Despite the record breaking year I had in generating income from it, my traffic level actually went DOWN by 10 percent for the year, and Google reduced my ranking from a PageRank of a studly 5 to a paltry 3, effectively setting all my efforts to bring in traffic back 2 years. Thanks Google! Motherf—- but anyhow, something will have to give in 2011, otherwise my blogging income will eventually evaporate, along with my dreams of becoming a full-time and self-employed blogger AND my ability to travel on a semi-regular basis.

For 2011, it’s make or break time. Bring it, baby.

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