So I’m bored out of my mind at work, and just for fun I decide to do a Google search for “girl of my dreams.” 

One of the hits I happened on led me to a Facebook group started by a British dude who also had a dream about meeting “the one,” and then drew a sketchy (nay, make that VERY sketchy) picture of her after he woke up.  He has been looking for her ever since and even traveled to the States to find her.  Oy.  But what grabbed my interest was the completely random Facebook ad that showed up when I viewed the page:

Tell me that you don't see any similarities here.

Yep, it sure looks like Mr. British was snogging himself a Snorg Tees girl doesn’t it?    But you be the judge.

I decided to email the guy:

Dear Hopelessly Romantic Citizen of the United Kingdom of Weenies,

Take a gander at my site, because I think you dreamt about a Snorg Tees girl.  If that’s the case, I will laugh, and laugh, and laugh and remember to tell this story around the campfire one day for an endless bout of jolly good laughs that will entertain me and all my slim shady friends for additional years to come.  But if it’s true and by some astounding miracle you meet and marry her, I will hate you forever and pray to no end that you will some day spontaneously explode into a puss filled ball of fiery death.

Kindest regards,

Lincoln

I dunno, his group sure seems to have gotten a lot of attention though, and if the photos are any indication, there are some mighty fine bespectacled babes there that all seem to be vying for his attention (this one’s particularly attractive).  Maybe he’s on to something.

Whatayathink? Should I start my own Facebook group based on the personal dream I had and see if Dream Girl comes a-running?  Or maybe someone else can start one for me, that way I can avoid coming across as the desperate lonely man at the end of his rope that I am. 

Tags: ads, british, dream, dream girl, facebook, facebook group, girl, girl of my dreams, google, photo, SnorgTees
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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I’ve been saying lately how much I wanted to turn my blog into something that would chronicle my traveling adventures and make my experiences an entertaining read for my dedicated fans.  With the moon being the closest it’s ever been in 15 years and a meteor shower to boot, this would have been a perfect opportunity for me to go out there and enjoy the moment, even if it meant taking an impromptu 3 hour drive in the middle of the night so I could get clear of the light pollution and enjoy the celestial show.  It would have made for an interesting blog post, I’m sure.

That’s what it should be all about right?  Spontaneous adventures!  Driving out into the unknown!  Participating in a celestial event that happens only once in a lifetime!  Going boldly where no blogging stud like me has gone before!

So what happens?  I end up vegging out on the couch eating purple tortilla chips and watching Stargate: Atlantis.

Hey I missed the last episode, I needed to catch up!    Besides, it was too cold out, and in my defense, I did manage to get a glimpse of the full moon when I took the garbage out.  That’s something right?

Hmmm, you think my dream girl would be pleased with me right now? 

Seriously though, I’m going to have to redeem myself here.  If I want to blog posts that will keep my audience entertained and coming back, then I’m going have to get up off my mooched up lazy lardballs, put myself out there, and live the kind of life that’s actually worth writing about.

So for that reason I am declaring tomorrow Redemption Day.  I am going to get my digicams, my tripod and my laptop together, and me and my SUV horse is gonna ride out to the Atlantic Ocean to get me some moon.  With any luck there’ll be a Starbucks on the way too so I can pick up a Gingerbread Latte.    I’m telling you, it’s gonna be awesome.

… … … wait a second, doesn’t The Librarian air tomorrow night? 

Tags: blog, blogging, dream girl, drive, driving, light pollution, meteor shower, moon, redemption, starbucks, stargate, travel
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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I’ve been pining for the girl of my dreams ever since I was a wee one and had my heart broken by an 8 year old who tore up my Valentine’s card and then kicked me in the shinny.  Since then, over the years my dream girl had always become nothing more than a part of my fantasies, a figment of the imagination, an image in my dreams, yet never someone who was truly real.

But what if… she were?

Something happened a few days ago that made me realize it was not only possible, but it was indeed a reality, a reality that God Himself was going to make happen.  It was no longer a question of whether she existed or not, but when she would finally reveal herself and change my life forever.

She IS real.  The revelation of that was finally beginning to dawn on me.

So why am I so panicked about it? 

In a way I think I’ve grown comfortable in my misery.  It was a safe place to be, absent of any responsibility or any obligation whatsoever of having to work at a real, honest-to-goodness relationship.  That she would exist meant my life as I knew it was soon going to end, and I no longer had an excuse to be a bum anymore.

It meant I had to get my act together and start training myself to be the man she needed me to be.  Strong, healthy, loyal, disciplined, loving, caring, confident… you know, all those things I’ve never been before?

Hmmmmm…

As I think about it, if she really is the girl of my dreams, someone who is gorgeous, warm-hearted, virtuous, humble, loving and gorgeous, then why should she be punished for ending up with someone like me? 

I might just decide not to change my life after all, only because I wouldn’t want her life ruined for being stuck with a mooch-ball like me.  She deserves better.  She deserves a REAL man, not some dweeb monkey who swoons to the melodic sounds of Air Supply.

Yep, I think I’m actually behaving like a real man’s man here by taking the easy way out, that way I can continue living the self destructive life I’ve been living for oh, 10 odd years now.  I’m sure she’ll find somebody else too, and I can continue to pine after her in my perfect fantasies where I have super powers and perpetually rescue her from the dark, evil forces of the Znorg Empire, and if I ever get bored of that, then I can always get lost in my collection of my favorite Nancy Drew mystery games.  You see?  It’s all win-win baby. 

… … … … … right? 

Tags: air supply, discipline, dream, dream girl, dreams, fantasies, girl, girl of my dreams, God, health, imagination, man, misery, reality, relationship, revelation, safe place, Valentine
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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And here I am once again arriving at another Thanksgiving, alone, empty, and even worse off than last year.  What do I have to be thankful for?  I’m still in a dead end job, I still haven’t found my dream girl, and now thanks to the Obamaton assbots who voted Antichrist-Lite into office, I can look forward to 4 years of misery so awful it will make me yearn for the Jimmy Carter years.

I have nothing to be thankful.  NOTHING.

Well… at least I’ll soon be out of debt though, so I guess there’s that.  And I have a job where I only have to work 4 days a week, so I guess I should be thankful for that too.  And I have a nice car, a laptop, a desktop PC, two digital cameras, a fridge packed with food and a closet filled with clothes, and of course my incredibly designed blog as well.  I also have two loving parents that still haven’t disowned me even when I accidentally set their car on fire.  (And the kitchen too, after a failed baking experiment once.)

Ok, so maybe I do have a few things to be thankful for. 

I guess I should take this time then to at least try and focus on the good things in my life instead of the bad.  And out of all the good that I do have, the one thing I should be thankful for above everything else is having a God who is always watching out for me, even when I accuse Him of the most horrible things.

So thank you Lord for putting up with me, especially when You’re the only one who has the patience to do so.  But who knows, maybe someday You’ll bring a girl into my life who will also have the kind of everlasting patience to put up with me as well. 

Tags: dream girl, girl, God, life, lord, misery, parents, patience, thankful, thanks, Thanksgiving
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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Ugh, I can’t sleep.

See, it used to be whenever I had trouble falling asleep I would think about how I’d meet my dream girl, exploring all the possibilities on how we’d end up together and fall in love.  Just holding on to those dreams would put my mind at enough ease that I could finally conk out and get a good night’s rest.  It was my own personal way of counting sheep, and I’d been doing it for years and years.  No matter what shape or form she took, I could always imagine her easily, beautiful and loving and caring.  My hope kept her real, helped me to believe that she was out there, and that it was only time that kept us apart, until such time finally came to an end.

But now I can’t see her anymore.

As hard as I try to imagine, my mind can’t focus enough for her to appear again, and I’m tossing and turning trying to fall asleep, wondering why it’s so hard now to even put a few thoughts together so I can dream about her for just a little while.

If there was ever a solid indication that my dream has finally died though, this would be it.  Maybe my mind is finally coming to terms with the reality that I will never, ever meet someone.  This world has become too evil, too foregone a conclusion, and I myself am just too different, too detached from humanity for it to even be possible anymore.  Maybe if I had been born 50 years ago I might have had a chance.  But not today.

My dream really is over.  I will never sleep again.

Tags: dream, dream girl, dreams, girl, girl of my dreams, love, reality, sleep, world
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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One of the reasons it’s been so difficult for me to find dates is because I don’t have a very active social life (which is to say, I have no social life whatsoever to speak of.) I used to have a close knit group of friends that carried me through high school and beyond college for a while, but eventually we began to drift apart for various reasons, until one day I found myself living the life of a loner again.

I was never one for attending social gatherings though so I could maybe gain some new friends, mainly because there were, well, people there. And I hated people.

Ok, I wouldn’t go so far as to say I hated them, maybe that I just didn’t get along…no I hated them.

Unfortunately, if I was ever gonna meet girls then I was gonna have to go where people were, sooner or later. With a mindset like this, it’s a small wonder why I was always holding out hope that I would meet someone at my job instead. After all, I’m forced to be here, and there were people here too, soooo….

For the longest time I used to entertain fantasies of meeting the girl of my dreams at work, so much that it started taking on a life of its own. I even nailed down what she would look like too: deeply tanned skin, big brown eyes, and luscious brown hair. She would be as sweet as an angel, maybe assigned somewhere close to me so we’d run into each other on a regular basis. Things would be strictly platonic at first, but before I knew it she would eventually warm up to me… and love would blossom out of nothing at all.

Out of nothing at allllll….. Out of nothing at… *ahem* but anyways, that’s how I imagined it. From that we would eventually become engaged, get married, and live happily ever after. Oh how I prayed and begged God that this would all happen for real. My fantasies here were so vivid that I could have weaved a cheap romance novel out of it. Probably could have made some cash from selling it too.

I had been churning over this latest fantasy of mine for a few months, when something weird happened: we got a new coworker assigned near us who had… deeply tanned skin, big brown eyes, and luscious brown hair. I swear you couldn’t make this stuff up. Our department doesn’t attract a lot of young workers to begin with, so just getting another coworker around my age would have been odd unto itself. She was a year older than me, but single and beautiful, and had a mellow, pleasant personality about her. In her previous job she worked with kids who suffered from various disabilities too. It was perfect! My dream was actually coming to life!

Except she hated me.

Well, she didn’t really hate me. She just had no interest in me whatsoever. I tried everything I could think of to woo her too, all in the futile hope that eventually, sooner or later, she would warm up to me in very much the same way her alter ego did in my fantasies. I kept her company when things got quiet during our late shifts. I helped her out whenever she needed to learn something about the job. I helped her find her keys when she had lost them and was freaking out over it, and at her request I burned dozens of her CDs into MP3s so she could use an MP3 player she bought for the gym (even though she didn’t have a computer). I changed my hairstyles, clothing, and yes, I’m ashamed to admit it, during my low points I even tried using TAG body spray (I’m suing those bastards for false advertising by the way.)

Yet despite all my efforts, when it came to asking her out to lunch, or even just coffee, she had no interest at all. The more she blew me off, the more I pined for her love. After a couple of months of this I eventually gave up. I decided I would continue being a nice guy as always, but I resigned myself to the fact that she would never be interested in me. I was just a pathetic loser who could never be good enough for her. My fantasy was not to be.

And that might have been the end of it, except that shortly afterwards she fell madly in love with another coworker, and within a few months they were engaged to be married.

My fantasies were coming to life after all… but for somebody else. Honestly, mere words could not convey the state of my emotions as I watched some little bastard boy enjoy what I previously could only experience in my dreams. Every day I had to come in to work and see those two nuzzling noses or holding hands at a picnic table (just as I envisioned it), and it was all I could do to keep myself from screaming at the top of my lungs and stepping on the gas at a nearby red light hoping an 18 wheeler would plow into me.

The best though was when the wedding itself was soon coming up, and she asked me if I had any suggestions for wedding songs she could use. I ended up making a CD of what I considered to be my most favorite love songs, songs I probably would have picked for my own wedding too. From what I heard my CD turned out to be a big hit, though I wouldn’t know, since I wasn’t invited.

I’m not one for bitterness though, so here’s a toast to their new life together. May their imminent divorce be appallingly messy and violently ugly.

No seriously, I do hope they’ll be happy together, I guess. I don’t begrudge anyone getting married, but for the love of kindness, did it really have to F*&%ING play out EXACTLY like I imagined it???

When I saw that, I guess I went through something of a system shock. My feelings went numb and I succumbed to a state of deep depression. In a way, I had given up on life. I no longer took care of myself, no longer went out as much as I used to. My clothes would get worn and start showing holes, but I didn’t care. I started suffering from health problems, but still I didn’t care. It wasn’t uncommon for me to sleep for 12-15 hours a night, and even then I just had no energy to get out of bed at all. I used to be punctual and on time for work, but I became so lethargic that if I ended up being only 10 minutes late, it was a miracle. It was becoming a regular tradition for me to hit the supermarket the night before my days off from work, stock up on groceries and DVDs from Redbox, then head home and hole up in my bedroom with my tub of popcorn, TV and laptop, where I would stay unmoved in my jammies until it was time to go back to work again.

I became utterly convinced that God hated me. After all, He wasn’t going to simply ignore my prayers here. Nope, He was going to twist and twist and twist the knife in so deep that it would all but ensure my psyche would never recover from this. It was almost like He recorded my fantasies and decided to orchestrate it in real life so that someone else would become the beneficiary of it, right before my very eyes. I mean really, what were the odds of something like that happening, down to even using the same collection of songs I dreamed would be used at my own wedding? (Which I say at the risk of sounding like a weenie girlie boy.) About a billion to one??

Why? Why did I have to endure that? Why did God have to hurt me like this? I know I can be a wiseass and all who deserves to get smacked around every now and then, but this was bafflingly cruel. It’s part of why I’m so slow to get out of bed every day, because I absolutely dread what new punishment He might have in store for me. My pathetic life must be a source of constant amusement for Him.

But… and before you Christian dweebs start berating me here, let me be quick to note that I don’t really believe this now. I know there’s a purpose to everything, and I’ve seen enough to know that for whatever reason God is keeping me safe from a lot of the evil that’s in this world. I guess that goes to show what a foregone conclusion I must be, that in spite of the complete embarrassment I experienced, I still believe God cares for me and has only my best interests in mind. Maybe it’s Stockholm syndrome?

Still, this one really got to me in a bad way, and even now I’m still nursing the wounds. Just when I think I’ve put it behind me, every now and then somebody will stick a finger in the wound, like when I run into her and she talks about her “husband” (just hearing her say that makes me cringe.) Ironically enough, the most recent jab came from my mother, of all places. My Mom never knew I had a thing for this girl, even though she met her a few times at work. One time we had a conversation afterwards and Mom said, “She is SUCH a sweetheart, Linc! How come you can’t meet somebody nice like her? She would have been PERFECT for you!!”

Poor Mom. She had no idea why I ran out after hearing that and started ripping and chewing on the grass on the front lawn.

Ah well. I guess the only thing that will make the pain go away for good is when I finally do meet someone for real. It’s hard to imagine even after all that how I could still retain hope that somehow, somewhere, she’s out there waiting for me, but I do. I guess I’ll always be a romantic at heart, no matter how loopy I get.

I still fantasize about meeting her though. But trust me, I have learned my lesson. Now I imagine meeting her in scenarios that are so outlandish that they cannot POSSIBLY happen to me in real life, much less to anyone else. Currently I fantasize about meeting her as part of an undercover operation I’m doing for the CIA. Oh, and I have superpowers. And the girl of my dreams is an alien from another planet who gets captured by the U.S. government. We fall in love and I spring her loose, then steal the USS Enterprise starship and together we make our way to the Alpha Centauri system, where we spend many steamy, romantic evenings on the paradise planet of Gimmegoomajamjam.

Let’s see y’all weenie tots try to turn THAT one into reality. 

Tags: christian, coworker, cruel, depression, despair, dream girl, dreams, fantasy, God, hate, hope, job, loneliness, loner, love, numb, romance, romantic, social life, unrequited love, wedding
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log, Romance and Relationships
 
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