There’s nothing more frustrating than having to fight an illness that manifests itself for no other reason than because I was a stupid dumbass.

For years I developed the extremely bad habit of eating too much, at too late an hour, so much that when I went to bed I could feel the stomach juices sloshing around as my digestive system bravely tried to make sense of the mess I just inhaled. I knew it was unhealthy, everyone else reminded me that it was unhealthy, and yet still I kept doing it. Over the years it was clear that I was an emotional eater, taking solace in the joys of chowing down during those times when everything else in my life amounted to crap. Which was usually most of the time.

Food was my companion. It was my friend. When I dined in a restaurant, alone as I usually did, the food would always be there to lift my spirits.

But now food has betrayed me. Or rather, I betrayed myself. During the past few months I’ve been suffering daily heartburn and acid reflux, though fortunately not the kind that makes me scream in agony the minute it hits me. Still, it was the bothersome kind that created a dull burning sensation in my chest everytime I ate. And yet, unbelievably, until only recently I ignored it. I just figured it would quickly go away once I dropped a few pounds. But then I continued to eat and eat, which would make any rational person wonder: when exactly would I knock it off and drop those few pounds like I promised myself I would do?

Eventually I had to come to terms with my eating life. I had been so used to getting pre-prepared foods either from the market or from the drive-thru, that I was completely unaccustomed to cooking and preparing my own meals. It was a skill I was going to have to relearn if I was going to nip this problem in the bud and prevent similar problems in the future.

In the meantime I still had to deal with my heartburn, which has now progressed into giving me that wonderful “globus sensation,” the feeling that there is something stuck in my throat. It is a GODAWFUL feeling, almost as if someone were gently choking me, and I feel it all day long. The good thing is that I can still swallow and breathe easily, though I noticed after I get up in the mornings and blow my nose, a little bit of dried blood comes out. It’s obvious the reflux is aggravating my sinus areas as well, though the damage is only minor (compared to the horror stories I’ve heard from other people who suffered acid reflux problems). I’ve used Mylanta, Pepto-Bismol, Tums along with certain supplements I got from the Vitamin Shoppe to try to alleviate the symptoms, but they’ve only had a minimal impact on the heartburn issues.

It’s funny how quickly one remembers God the minute we get physically ill. I knew I had to repent and confess my sins, and I suspected God was allowing this to happen to shake some sense into me. I only hope it’s not too late, since chronic acid reflux can be a sign of GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease), which is usually due to the lower esophageal sphincter (LES) no longer closing properly to keep the acid from entering the esophagus. If that’s what I have, and the LES doesn’t eventually straighten itself out, I am so screwed. I’d have to rely on medicating myself one way or another ad infinitum, or having major surgery done to artificially correct the LES so it closes properly again.

It’s been suggested that losing weight may eventually clear up these problems, so I’m hoping if I drop enough pounds and enough time passes, my digestive system might return to normal. It will require my finally abandoning my gluttonous ways, finding a new and healthier way to eat, and eventually finding an exercise regimen that I can actually stick with. And then, should I be able to accomplish all that and be rewarded for it all by still having problems with heartburn, then like I said before: I am so screwed.

I had to appeal to God for his grace and mercy. Yet it seems stupid to ask Him not to endure the consequences of my own stupidity, but I knew (at least I hope) that I was genuinely sorry for living the kind of lifestyle that I did. I regret what it did to me, and I regret it more because in this condition I am of little value and use to God, or anyone else for that matter. I needed another chance to make things right. So I prayed. And I pray continually, asking the LORD to forgive me, to give me the grace to accept this burden that I brought on myself, and for Him to eventually heal my digestive system.

In my heart I knew that conventional medicine would not bring the cure I was looking for. For people who suffer chronic acid reflux or GERD, the host of treatments available generally only masks the symptoms rather than cure the disease. Of all the drugs out there designed to treat GERD, the most powerful are called PPI drugs (proton pump inhibitors), such as Nexium. They function by basically shutting down the stomach’s ability to produce acid, which in turn alleviates heartburn. All well and good, except that we kinda need that acid. The stomach acid is what breaks down foods for digestion, and yet the typical doctor/pharmaceutical industry’s answer to curing heartburn is to turn off that very acid, the one thing that makes it possible for us to absorb the essential nutrients we so desperately need. Brilliant. And yet despite the warning on the label indicating that such drugs should not be used for more than a couple of months, I’ve heard of people who have been using them for YEARS.

There has to be a better way. I believe with all my heart that if God wanted to, He could cure me, but there’s something I need to learn in this before that happens. Scripture warns of us catering to the flesh, but it also has a promise:

Galatians 6:8-9 For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

In the meantime, I’m praying for the wisdom to find the best medicinal aids I can find in order to give my esophagus a chance to heal itself. As agonizing as this search has been, I’m realizing that some answers just don’t come easy without a lot of seeking, asking and knocking. It’s so against my nature to behave this diligently in seeking the help I need, but I’m left with little choice. But as I continue to search, seek and knock, I’m slowly beginning to uncover a few of the gems that God has brought to my attention, buried in the mountain of disinformation that exists on the Internet.

One, there is an orange peel extract available (called Citrus sinesis) that’s been reported to help alleviate heartburn. I just started using it last Saturday, and the effect has been amazing. My heartburns haven’t disappeared, but they were significantly reduced after just taking two capsules over three days. This thing did what gobbling and downing Tums, Mylanta and Pepto Bismol couldn’t do all put together. I’m supposed to take them every other day for 20 days, so hopefully my symptoms will improve even more by then.

Two, DGL (Deglycyrrhizinated Licorice), which can coat and soothe an esophagus suffering acid reflux, as well as promote healthy digestion. I haven’t taken it yet, but plan to tomorrow, since I heard it can also relieve the globus sensation (the lump in the throat feeling) that I’ve been getting.

Three, a couple of tablespoons of lemon juice has also been reportedly helpful. Since I’ve had a habit of flavoring my water bottles with lemon juice anyway, this will be pretty easy to add to my regimen.

Four, a garlic supplement every day. I bought this on a whim at the vitamin store, and completely forgot about it until now. It has plenty of benefits, but it’s also been reported to have positive effects against acid reflux. I have a feeling about it, so I’m going to start taking it and see if it helps.

Five, of course would be to lose the weight. LOSE THE WEIGHT. GOD**** MOTHER****ING LOSE THE WEIGHT. It’s destroying my health, not to mention that a) I have no energy because of the extra baggage I carry around, b) no women on this planet will ever possibly love me because of it, c) no fancy clothes will look good on me, and d) I will forever and truly be deprived of a normal, active lifestyle until I get up off my fat ass and STOP trying to slowly commit suicide, which is what I’ve been doing for far too long.

So now, the climb out of the deep and dark abyss begins. Only question is, am I too far down to get out?