I lead a charmed life.

So I’m just minding my own business and checking my email, when I get this alert from a Christian pastor I know.  He feels a great calamity is about to occur soon, causing massive fires in New York City that will spread out even to New Jersey and Connecticut, along with lootings and riotings in major cities worldwide.

If it had been anyone else I would have immediately dismissed him as a quack and merrily gone on my way.  But he had warned about the real estate crash and about the financial crisis we’re experiencing now since the early 90s and was right on both counts.  The fires he feels will happen soon is something he had been warning about for several years.  God’s judgment.

Whether you believe this or not, the email left me sinking into a pit of despair, even though it was meant to be sent as an encouragement to believers with the knowledge that God is still in control and will provide even in times of major distress.

But if there’s one thing that could define just why I feel so out of place in this world, that email sums it up.  It’s not something I can share around the water cooler at work with non-believers, lest they think I was dropping acid.  I try talk to other Christians about it but their heads are so far up the hairy flesh balls of Rick Warren that I might as well be speaking Klingon.

I could just say screw it, nothing’s gonna happen, we’re all right as rain here, but in my heart I know it isn’t true.  We’re in for some very hard times ahead, and there is virtually no one out there with whom I can confide in and share my feelings with about this without coming across as a cracknut to them.  And who knows, maybe nothing will happen, and in His mercy God will grant us a reprieve.  But can I not even have a conversation about this with others without getting strange looks or being laughed at?

People are often perplexed as to why I remain single, but this is a big reason why.  I see things that no one else does.  I believe things that no one else believes.  It isolates me from others, and I often have to keep people at arm’s length simply because once they knew the real me, they would either hate me dead or run away, or both.  And that’s fine.  I’m not looking to be the life of the party here.  A friend and a lover is all I’ve ever wanted.  While others need to be surrounded by people to the extent that they even use a ranking system for the best friends they have (BFF1 BFF2, etc. – WT*?!?), I would be more than happy having just one true friend.

We pride ourselves on our individuality, but the truth is most people are sheep, and would choose conformity over being unique so long as it meant not having to be alone.  That’s why most Christians today are merely nominal in their faith.  Their beliefs are so generic and ultimately meaningless that the only way I can get along with them is by completely leaving God out of the picture.  As long as we don’t talk about God or spiritual things, we’re a-ok.  God is somebody they treat as an equal, someone who is reduced to commercial slogans (Got Milk? becomes Got Jesus?) or a drug high, as if the experience of serving the Creator was tantamount to getting a heroin fix.   I’ve never understood this mentality, and yet every time I’ve challenged it, it’s resulted in near violence.  So I simply keep my beliefs to myself in order to maintain the peace.  People don’t want to hear it.

And now I have to deal with these new set of emotions brought on by this possible revelation of calamity that may soon come upon us, topped off with the fact that I’ve been feeling pretty lousy and fatigued for eons now, and facing a bleak future for which it would seem pointless to even hope of building a new life for myself, much less one that would include a special girl who can truly love me for who I am (who I REALLY am.)

I lead a charmed life.

Tags: best friend, calamity, christian, Christians, depression, despair, emotions, faith, feelings, financial, financial crisis, fires, friends, God, health, judgment, new york city, pastor, rick warren, violence
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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There used to be a time in my life when Christmas actually FELT like Christmas.  I used to get into it so much that I would get out my Christmas tree and start decorating before even Halloween itself came around, much less the holiday season.

The magic in the air was just intoxicating, and I could always smell the fresh, sweet aroma of evergreen everywhere I went.  Lights would twinkle, while carolers jingled, and sometimes if we had a cooler than normal season, we’d even get snow to complete the ensemble.  And of course there was my favorite tradition of all time: the mistletoe. 

Yep, it was that time of year that made me prance me around like Pee Wee Herman in blissful joy joy happiness.

But then something happened.  Year after year we would go through the same ritual as before, but the magic was somehow gone.  I just couldn’t experience the joys of celebrating the season like I used to.  Somewhere along the line, I had grown up.

I went from the little kid who would breathlessly wait for Christmas morning to come before flying to the living room at breakneck speed to open his presents, to someone who was now spending every Christmas season, alone.

Oh, so very alone.

It didn’t seem fair that my favorite season had to be ruined each passing year just because I didn’t have anyone special in my life.  That shouldn’t have to matter, right?  But it does, somehow.  It always matters, especially around this time of year.  I always thought about what I was missing, not about what I already had, and yet no matter how hard I tried, the despair of loneliness just couldn’t be fended off, and it would drop over my spirit like a wet, smothering blanket.

Christmas was now a time that made me yearn for a life where I could share these precious moments with her, whoever she was.  I wanted to see her laugh every time a Chipmunks song came on.  I wanted to see her eyes twinkle as she hung ornaments on our tree.  I wanted to see her hold me close as we danced and kissed under the mistletoe.  These were moments I could see only in fragmented dreams, in visions that would tease me with promises of happiness and love, only to fade away to the dark realities of my failed existence.

But still I hoped.  Still I push on, ever forward, ever hoping that dreams do indeed come true, and that one day, some day, I will see the Christmas stars of a wish come true reflected in her beautiful eyes.

Some day…

Tags: alone, Christmas, christmas season, christmas tree, despair, dream, dreams, holiday season, loneliness, love, mistletoe, tradition
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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One of the things that really kill any incentive to pull myself together and get my life back on track is that there seems to be nothing worth fighting for.  I have no desire to fight for myself, because I’m kinda of a weenie and don’t like myself very much, so there’s no motivation there.  I can’t fight for my parents either, because they’d actually be better off if I were dead.  That way they could get my pension, my car and the rest of my possessions, which is enough to afford them a nice house somewhere without having to take out a mortgage.  Really, I’m holding them back just by being alive. 

If anything, I should be fighting for God, but I can never be convinced that He loves or cares about me, even when there are occasionally signs to the contrary.  It always seems like the people who have hurt me the most in my life end up getting ridiculously rewarded for their malice, and I’ve never understood why.  It’s like I’m a lucky charm for my worst enemies.    That’s why there are times I suspect that He cares more about my enemies than He does about me.  It’s really a battle to try to change that perception too, especially when on top of that everything else I do in life amounts to a complete failure.  Whatever I say or do has little to no impact on anything.  I can’t change lives for the better, help people get saved, or contribute anything of value to society or the church.  I am hated by all and loved by none, and it’s like I don’t even bother anymore because I know I’ll just fail as usual, so what’s the point?  (And before you start berating me for having this loser attitude, just remember it took years of perpetual failures and disappointments to develop this self-defeating mentality, so nyah.)

Then there’s the girl of my dreams factor.  One of the worst sins I could think of having committed is that I prolonged meeting her only because I’ve been such a weenie all these years.  But is she really out there at the end of the rainbow, waiting for me to get my act together and go get her?  Or am I just deluding myself into thinking she is, when the cold, hard truth of the matter is that she doesn’t exist after all, and I will live and die alone?

There were times though when I thought I had met her, and it was within those times that I found all the motivation I needed to get my life in order.  I stopped hiding in my own skin and started taking care of myself.  My clothes were new and fashionable.  My place was always clean.  I became more outgoing and personable.  My performance at work improved dramatically  I just did everything better.

And then it would all come crashing down when it became obvious that she wasn’t in fact the one, sometimes in the most cruelest way imaginable.  Afterwards it was all I could do to even get out of bed some days.  Sometimes I’d sleep for 12-15 hours straight, and even then I still couldn’t get up.  When I did get up though I had a devil may care attitude about life, purposely hurting myself and not giving a damn.  And then I would go back to sleep again for another 15 hours.

Things may calm down after a while, but I never do break out of this vicious cycle completely.  Yet… what if I could be convinced that there really was somebody out there for me after all?  Not just merely hope there was someone, but know it for a fact?  If that were the case, there’s no way I’d behave like this, because now my attitude is adversely affecting someone else’s life.  It would be wrong of me then not to pull my life together so I could be there for her.  I’d feel the same way if I had children too, because there is just no way I could excuse myself with living the way I do if it’s going to hurt my kids.  They deserve the best of me, 8 days of week, and they (as well as the girl of my dreams) would definitely be worth fighting for.

As the years go by though and I get older, these dreams and hopes begin to fade away, and with it my desire to live.

I guess I’m looking for something tangible now that will give me enough resolve to fight again, and I don’t mean mere wishy washy, hopey o’ change signs, but something truly rock solid.  If the girl of my dreams is out there, I will fight for her.  If a better future awaits me, I will fight for it.  But I have to believe it.  I have to know it to be true.

Show me the way, and I will walk in it.  Help me find what’s worth fighting for.

Tags: attitude, better future, church, depression, despair, disappointment, disappointments, dream, dreams, enemies, failure, fight, fighting, girl of my dreams, God, incentive, loser, motivation, parents, purpose
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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I only have one thing going for me right now: a steady plan to get myself completely out of debt by July 4th, 2009.  After that I’ll have a lot of wiggle room to move around and start searching for another job so I can move out of New York once and for all.

That is, if I can muster up the energy to do so, because right now it’s all I can do to even stay awake these days.  As much as I try to hope and believe a better future awaits me, I plunge so deeply in despair that I sometimes ask God to end my life.  I’m already past my prime and getting older, and with that there’s no prospect of finding a better career after having been in a dead end job for so many years.  Little to no chance of finding the girl of my dreams either, and healthwise I continue to get worse and worse.  I wonder if I don’t already have a cancer somewhere in my inwards that will soon put me out of my misery anyway.  Maybe that’s why I won’t see a doctor, so I can give it a chance to finish the job.  And of course with the coming economic holocaust and a government about to veer to the left of Stalin, it’s hard to find reasons to even stay alive anymore.

I can’t even blog because there is just nothing going on in my life right now, and the news just depresses me even more.  I guess I’m just in a really bad way right now, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of it.  Sigh.

Tags: career, debt, depression, despair, dream, dreams, future, God, job, life, misery
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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There have been various prayer movements in the United States focused on praying for change in our government, the most popular that I know of being TheCall.  I’m sure a lot of young Christians now are probably devastated by the election results, at a loss to explain why God would seemingly ignore their heartfelt prayers.

While some proponents might argue otherwise, the whole point of these movements have been largely to effect political reform.  They were overly focused on what was happening with our government, but not what was happening in the churches.  In short, we were praying for the wrong things.

Our churches are in complete disarray, deluged with religious fads and heretical teachings, with a community of believers that are more concerned about prosperity than they are about holiness.  Whatever the world does, we imitate it at every turn, whether it’s coming up with our own version of “American Idol” or turning our churches into entertainment centers complete with built-in basketball courts and coffee shops.  We’ve become so preoccupied with meaningless creature comforts, and through it all we’ve allowed an entire generation of Christians to be deceived by the rampant heresies that have overwhelmed the body of Christ.  And yet in spite of all this, we’re holding prayer vigils outside the U.S. Supreme Court building pleading for God to give us more conservative judges.  And how has that been working out so far?

Here’s the deal:  God is not concerned with our governments so much as He is concerned with His people.  And since judgment must first begin in the house of God, our focus should always be on taking care of the church first before anything else, ensuring that we walk soberly, with our minds on heaven rather than on political issues of the day.  All the nations are as a drop in the bucket to the LORD of creation anyway, and more notably, the lesson of history has shown us when a remnant of God’s people repent and seek Him with their whole hearts, things then have a way of working out for themselves without any active intervention on our part.

This will soon be an extraordinarily distressing time for Christians, yet I believe it is not intended for our destruction, but rather to encourage us to seek the LORD once again in a spirit of true repentance and broken heartedness.  Whom the LORD loves He rebukes and chastens, and He admonishes us all to “be zealous therefore, and repent.”

So for those of you have become disillusioned and even bitter about the direction our country has been heading in, don’t despair.  God has not abandoned us, and while we may experience grievous times, it is in those times that we will find true faith and revival.

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace.  In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. – John 16:33

Tags: abandoned, america, christ, christian, Christians, church, churches, country, despair, election, God, government, heresies, holiness, judgment, lord, nation, peace, prayer, prayers, praying, religious fads, remnant, repent, repentance, revival, sin, thecall, unanswered, world
Categories: Christians Gone Wild
 
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It’s over, I’ve lost.

After 23 years of rejection, heartaches, unrequited love, enduring the rude, cold treatment of every women I’ve ever been interested in or in love with, I’m tossing in the towel.

My latest failure took away whatever remaining hope I had. Even though we seemed to have so many specific, rare things in common, I only managed to hold her interest for maybe 5 minutes before she decided I just wasn’t worth her attention anymore, and blew me off without warning.

I guess that’s it then. I’ll never experience what it’s like to hold hands with a girl, to kiss her, to hold her in my arms, to tell her how much I love her and care for her, and have her tell me the same. I will be single and alone for the rest of my life, and I’m sure all my enemies will gain immense satisfaction in knowing I will never be happy.

Ah well, I won’t get mad about this. I’ll just get even.

After all, if ya gotta go, go with a smile!

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!

Tags: batman, dating, dating sites, depression, despair, joker, loneliness, love, profile, rejection, women suck
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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