Tag Archives | depression

So I paid five bucks to get a fake girlfriend to send me love notes on Facebook for 2 weeks

What?  I was bored.

Got the idea from reading an article that mentioned being able to get fake girlfriends for 5 bucks on Fiverr.com, so rather than get my usual hot chocolate from Starbucks, I decided I was really in the mood for some fake wubsies.

Yeah I got scammed.

Well, semi-scammed.  She/He/It did send post a note on my wall, liked up some of my stuff and…. that was it, for like, the next 13 days after that.

I wonder what it says about me as a person when I can’t even get a girl to give me any kind of attention even when I’m PAYING them to give me attention?

Sigh.

You’ll have to forgive me, these days I’m trying to fend off all the perfectly good reasons why I should go take a nap on the train tracks during peak times, so I’m not really in the best of moods here.  Especially after spending $120 to get back on Match.com and Christian Mingle for 3 months so I can try to at least get a coffee date with someone, and have now already run through the gamut of all the local girls available without getting a response from any of them.

It’s a depressing feeling, casting such a wide net and still being unable to come across a nice girl who thinks you’re worth getting to know.  Feelings I have to bury deep down and put a happy face over, because women do NOT want a guy who is prone to depression (or shorter than 6 feet, or makes less than $100,000, or etc., etc.)  Thus my profile is positive and upbeat, my messages are positive and upbeat, and yet… nothing.

I mean, I just want a coffee date, is all.  I’m not asking for your hand in marriage or to boinky boinky boink on Friday nights.  I’m only asking for a few minutes of sipping coffee together to see if we have some chemistry.  I guess I’m just looking for someone to give me a chance.

But after a while, after so many rejections, I start to wonder if the reason nobody will give me a chance is because ultimately, I don’t deserve one.

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This Time, It Was Less Than A Feeling

I arrived in Boston late February for what would only be my second time there, yet already the city was beginning to lose some of its shine for me. I guess once you’ve visited most of the historical sites the only thing left to do is… well… eat.

Holding an iPhone in Boston!

I'm baaaaack, and this time, I have an iPhone!

Although there was more to it than that, beginning with the hotel I stayed at: The Lenox. You would think a hotel that’s rated #1 on TripAdvisor would live up to the hype, but I found just the opposite to be true. The hotel Judy Garland once lived in was old, with a lavishly decorated lobby and a modern looking hotel bar and restaurant, and this was the first time I had ever encountered a bellhop, who grabbed my things before I could protest and quickly explained the layout of the hotel and accommodations they offered. I was brought to my tiny room, which not only had a board carelessly left on the bathroom floor that was supposed to be covering up the plumbing underneath the sink, but the view outside the window was also blocked by an ENORMOUS air duct that I swore looked like the ones you’d see in Total Recall. My goodness. Plus, the Wi-Fi stunk again to high heaven, so I quickly went down to the lobby and asked if I could switch rooms, which they happily did. The Wi-Fi was still subpar though even after the room change, clocking in at less than 500kbps at times. Did nobody who reviewed the Lenox Hotel on TripAdvisor notice this?

Still, there were some pluses, namely the enormous LCD TV and the nifty Bose speaker dock that worked perfectly with my iPhone. About time too. Still, I was already yearning for the Harborside Inn near the wharfs, the hotel I had stayed at last year with its spacious rooms and remarkable looking indoor atrium. For some reason I was more at home in the financial district than I was in the more bustling Back Bay, but oh well. I had gotten a travel deal for only $99 a night with the Lenox, so this will have to do.

Despite being here for 4 nights, the only two distinct things I can remember from the trip was visiting the New England Aquarium to see the penguins and the North End. I had wanted to go geocaching but the weather turned bitter very quickly, not so much because of the cold but because of the 25 mile per hour winds that suddenly ripped through the city and flash froze my eyebrows every time I stepped outside. Eeesh.

View of sky from Boston financial district

Beautiful sky, beautiful buildings, but $%^& freezing weather.

No matter where I went too, it seemed like I couldn’t really get comfortable and settle in. Something just felt… off. Even having Regina pizza at Faneuil Hall or cannolis at the North End couldn’t shake that feeling, and with a sense of melancholy I knew I wasn’t going to enjoy my time in Boston as much as I did before.

Things got better when I discovered Finagle-A-Bagel nearby the hotel, a cute Quiznos type of place with bagels that try in vain to compete with the superior bagels of New York, but still I found them rather tasty, and enjoyed eating them on the second floor offering an awesome view of Trinity church across the street.

I also visited Beacon Street and finally found the original Cheers, where I lunched and had an underwhelming “Norm” burger. Apparently being a tourist trap means never having to make good food. And yet again I was feeling out of my element, just sitting there in a corner as people bustled around me and feeling pretty much like an alien.

Cheers on Beacon Street

Nobody knew my name.

That feeling stayed with me as I visited the North End too, a complete bust on a Saturday with crowds everywhere and no place to sit down, so I opted to return back to my hotel… only to find that the Blue T line had been taken offline for repairs. I had to walk for 45 minutes while the winds mercilessly ripped through my Banana Republic jacket until I finally reached a station for the Green Line. Thank God I had my hand warmers then.

For the next day I had an idea for where I could go to settle in and be perfectly comfortable: The Library! Specifically, Boston’s main branch, which was right next to the hotel. I could go in, get some coffee and pastries at one of their cafes, then sit down and let the beautiful sculptures and architecture around me inspire me to write. Maybe I would even run into a cute geek girl with an iPad, and love would thus ensue.

Except, the library was closed for the holidays. Sigh.

As ironic as it sounds, my best day in Boston was when I went to get my laundry done on Monday. I fired up my iPhone to locate the closest laundromats, and noticed there was a high concentration of them all located within the North End. I decided to take my car this time, parked in a subtly hidden lot right near Hanover Street, then heaved ho my laundry 2 blocks to the laundromat. To my surprise it seemed very upscale, and while my laundry was being done I was able to hit up both Mike’s Pastry and Modern Pastry for cannolis without dealing with the crowds, two of the most famous pastries in the North End. I also found a coffeehouse and sipped on some truly delicious coffee while I feasted on my cannolis, and at long last I was finally having the day I had been hoping to have ever since I arrived in Beantown.

But again, that feeling. The only time I successfully managed to engage anyone in conversation was with a strange dude at the coffee place, who went on about how insurance wouldn’t pay for him dropping his laptop, and why can’t keyboards always be wireless… or something like that. I didn’t catch it all, just nodded my head and faked getting a call on my phone so I could break the conversation and he’d leave. Oy.

Other than that, no matter how much I smiled, nobody would even look at me. And by nobody I mean women of course. Not even a glance in my general direction, or an acknowledgment of my existence, nothing. You would think at the laundromat I’d have better luck too, since there were some very cute looking girls there waiting for their laundry, but no, nothing. If I smiled, they simply looked away, or huffed in annoyance.

One of the reasons I travel was so I could get away from this general unfriendliness, because I always thought this tendency where people go out of their way to be unfriendly and rude was germane to New York, only now I was getting it here too. It was disheartening to see.

Still, the tasty cannolis helped to stem the depression that was otherwise coming over me, while a lunch of rigatoni and pizza at nearby Antico Forno’s nearly took it away altogether. Failing everything else, food is always the answer.

Brick and Mortar at Antico Forno

Pizza, brick and lamps at Antico Forno = WIN

Despite the overall disappointment of this year’s trip to Boston though, I can still see myself visiting here on a semi-regular basis, partly because it’s so close, and partly because there are still things I haven’t seen, namely John Adams’s Historical Park, which I have been wanting to visit ever since I read David McCullough’s biography.

So I will return someday soon, but this time, I won’t bother to smile.

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I Hate The Holidays

There’s something about this time of year that always brings out the gangsta violence in me. It’s a time when all my online friends completely abandon me to go be with their families, and I have no recourse but to hang out with my real-life friends instead for company.

Only problem is, I don’t HAVE any real life friends.

Then there’s the obnoxious crowd raiding the stores so by the time I actually get to it, they’re all out of my favorite pumpkin pies. The roads are jammed up with drivers off their gourds, the supermarkets are stripped bare, the malls clogged up with early Christmas shoppers, and everyone is generally stressed out and being ugly to each other. It’s disgusting.

And then there’s being held captive by my own parents, who both seem to have this crazy notion that the holidays is a time for us to be together, not a time for me to disappear off into the mountains somewhere on my own so I could go…. err… spelunking.

I guess this time of year upsets me so much because it’s a reminder that I haven’t been able to forge a real bond with anyone outside my own family. Usually I pride myself on being anti-social and hermit-like in my personality, but this is probably one of the few times of the year when I regret being that way. I have nobody to share my life with, no one to plan adventures together with, no one to sit down and have a special meal together with. It’s just me, myself and I. When the time eventually comes when both my parents should leave this earth, I won’t have anybody. That’s why sometimes I secretly hope I will pass on before my parents do. At least this way they inherit my pension and possessions and can retire in comfort and peace.

I didn’t end up a loner for lack of trying either. I do my best to forge relationships with others, giving them time, attention, gifts and whatnot, but rarely is any of that reciprocated. I know at the end of the day and despite my best efforts, no one is going to be thinking of me or wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving unless I prompt them to. I’m just not memorable enough or important enough to even register as a blip on their social radar.

I think part of my problem is that what I’m looking for can’t be found in acquaintances or long distance friends who already lead busy lives with little time to spare for dead weight like me. I need a brand-of-brothers type of friendship that leaves me with the comfort of knowing no matter how down life can get, things are going to be ok, because you won’t have to have to face it alone. I always thought I could experience that if I could just find the right girl, or even a new best friend. But I think I’m pre-destined to live a life of solitude.

Ah well, maybe after Thanksgiving dinner I can find a way to sneak out and escape to the mountains when my parents aren’t looking.

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Letter to my employer: I hate you and hope you die.

So it’s Thanksgiving Eve, and they let everyone go home early!

Except of course, me. Not because I’m essential, mind you, but simply because I’ve caused trouble with the higher ups before, so this is either their way of getting back at me, or it’s because they presume because I’m youngish and single I obviously don’t have a life or a place to get to, so why would I need to leave early?

Really dudes? Place is a ghost town, there’s no work to be done, but hey, let’s keep me here till the dead of night! Awesome.

Like I needed more frigging reminders that this time of year always without fail turns me into a virginal orphan, real life Robert Neville, and gee don’t even say Happy Thanksgiving when y’all leave either. Suckfaces.

Crap I just get sick and tired of these boinky boink brains and their junior high school “let’s all be petty because lil’ old Linc here dared to defy us, and God only knows we need to salvage whatever’s left of our shriveled up nuts” mentality.

Yeah, I admit it, they got under my skin. God I hate being alone.

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The Obligatory “What Am I Thankful For” Post

Another Thanksgiving draws near, and once again it’s time to reflect on what I should be thankful for.

… well I got nothing. :-D

No seriously, I do have a lot to be thankful for, especially this year. This was after all the year I finally became debt free, after having paid off my credit card, car and my college loan. It was the year my earnings from this blog reached inconceivable heights, making it possible for me to travel more frequently now and enjoy life in a way I never could before. For this I have you, my readers to thank. I still can’t quit my job just yet, but the extra income coupled with a debt free existence has made it possible now for me to go out and experience new and different things, and better yet, write about it too.

My health has also gotten much better as well. I thought I would be too tired, too sick to take on exhausting road trips and weekend getaways to God only knows where, but instead it’s become the exact opposite. The more I moved around, the better I felt and the more energy I had. In a way it broke my depression and lifted me out of this mental prison that I’ve built for myself for so long.

I’m thankful for finding a new hobby in geocaching too, to keep things interesting on my trips and find new places to explore that never would have occurred to me otherwise.

I’m thankful for my parents, who are all that I have left of a once huge family that had been lost through hate, estrangement and betrayal.

I am thankful for my beautiful and reliable SUV, which continues to guzzle gas and proudly leave it’s wide load of a carbon footprint for all to see. :-D

I am thankful for Yankee Candles, pizza and cupcakes. And occasionally brownies too.

And of course, I am thankful to God my Father and my savior Jesus Christ, who has made all of the above things possible.

And I am thankful for the new year to come, the endless possibilities it might bright, and a hope that refuses to die, the hope that I will someday soon meet my dream girl. :)

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