Is it me, or does it seem like women are getting married at earlier and earlier ages these days? Or am I just getting older and older?

I blame Christians for this (naturally), particularly those within the Bible Belt who push to get their daughters married by the time they’re 18, so by the time they’re 25 they will have already loaded themselves down with 7 kids and done their part to keep God’s army of little cherubs going. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, but honestly, how many of these disgusting little snotbags does a family really need to have anyway?

#%$ Christians.

But I guess if I wanna up my chances of meeting a nice, Christian girl, then I’m gonna have to catch them young. Really young. Like maybe before they graduate high school young. Yet another reason why the teaching profession appeals to me.

Of course they’ll probably still have dweebish boyfriends then, but I can clear that hurdle easily enough once I home in on some cute girl who has potential, then it’s just a matter of cornering her dork beau in a dark alley somewhere and wailing on him until he promises never to call or go near her again.

And when she’s depressed and lonely and wondering why her pimple faced sweetheart doesn’t love her anymore, I’ll be there to give her all the comfort she needs.

Of course I’ll probably only be able to enjoy the relationship for about 5 minutes before I get tossed into the slammer. Ah well, life can be so cruel sometimes.

I love this site.

Longtime readers might remember my brief experience with Uptown Girl, who I had met through a dating site and was just getting to know when she blew me off unexpectedly, this after sending her flowers for her birthday too, but of course. I never understood why, but I should have figured she would go cold on me sooner or later. She was a Christian after all, and you know how warm and fuzzy them Chrischuns can get, a’ight?

This site however attempts to provide closure for people like me who constantly get blown off by the opposite sex. They work by acting as an intermediary and sending the… (Blower-Offer?) a friendly and easy to fill out survey so they can explain their actions, but without having to deal with the Blower-Offeree(?) directly.

It would be nice at least to know if there was something specific I might have done wrong to scare her off, that way maybe I can learn to avoid making the same mistakes next time. I submitted my own investigation request, so let’s see what the little bitch has to say for herself.

If she still doesn’t respond, I could always send her a bill for the flowers instead.

I got into a conversation with a clerk at work, which eventually broached the topic of dating and went something as follows:

“So Linc, I told my daughter about you!”

“Ok…”

“I thought she’d think you might be too old for her, but when I told her you were just north of 30, she said, ‘Oh that’s not too old!’”

“How old is she?”

“She’s 23!”

“Oh cool, and she’s not seeing anyone?”

“Nope, not anymore. And she only has one daughter, but don’t worry, I’m sure the father is completely out of the picture now. You should give her a call, I think she’d be just perfect for you…. Linc? Linc?”
 

But I had already left the building.

I recently got an email from a reader who said I was the perfect match for her sister, so I sent her sister an email and we shared a few things about ourselves. Here’s what I learn about her:

She loves to fish in Alaska and went to college on a football scholarship. Even worse, she’s from Tennessee. No offense to the natives of the state of course, I just think you’re all a bunch of donkey hicks (though I’ll make an exception for this gal here, only because she knows me and if I didn’t she’d hunt me down like a dog and saw my legs off.)

Anyhoo, after inquiring a bit further about this football thingie in the vain hope that colleges also extend football scholarships to cheerleaders as well, evidently she got the scholarship as a result of being the equipment manager for her team, and has been entertaining a life long dream of being a contracts agent. She majored in sports admin and now works as a… paralegal.

My final “Oh My God Get The &^%$ Away From Me!” note to her went as follows:

Dear “Meg,”

You’re either a man or a very, very ugly looking woman. If you’re wondering why you might be having trouble finding guys to date, the spitting and scratching your privates (of which you have none) while you hang out with your football buddies might clue you in somewhat. Maybe it’s not your fault though, just the fact that you live in a state with an in-bred population that rivals only Utah in numbers, and as a result it’s often hard to tell the gender apart.

I’m not sure why your sister thought I’d be a good match for you though. Maybe she felt I’d be able to help you discover your feminine side by offering you the love that only a fine, studly man like me could give. Yet despite the fact that I have been known to work miracles every now and then, sad to say, I simply cannot bend the laws of physics to my will in order to transform you from a hairy, lumbering, mountain man-thing to a soft, doe-eyed work of womanly art that I would be proud to roll around in the hay with.

So, best of luck to ya, hope you do fulfill your dreams of being an agent, and who knows, maybe I’ll read about you someday in Sports Illustrated, though it quite obviously won’t be the swimsuit edition.

Much Love,
Lincoln

Until recently I never really understood the concept of how a wiki based site worked, but after playing around with Wetpaint today I’m finally beginning to understand its appeal. Wetpaint allows you to build a free website based on a wiki platform, (similar to Wikipedia), only the difference here is that it’s more socially oriented, and you can build your own personal community around any niche you’re particularly passionate about.

Creating a new wiki on Wetpaint is absurdly easy, and if I wanted to, I could create a new wiki for dating and promptly declare myself the supreme lovemaster who holds all the inner secrets to having a successful relationship. Of course, if I allow my page to be edited by other wiki members, they’ll probably do their best to keep me on the straight and narrow (such as correcting the somewhat misleading claim that Jessica Alba never was pregnant and in fact left her skanky male ho of a boyfriend to move in with me instead.)

On second thought, maybe this wasn’t such a great idea after all.

The good news though is that I can modify my settings to prevent any wiki page I make from being mass edited, leaving my claims unchallenged and untouched by those wiki weenies who aspire to keep Wetpaint created pages “accurate” and “truthful.” Pffttttt.

In any event, Wetpaint does seem good for a few hours of fun, especially if you want to get a good feel for how wiki based communities operate, so go check it out.

The Valentine demon found me hiding under the bed and gave me a virus, so I’ve been pretty much out of it for the last few days. I’m feeling a bit better now though, so I went to check my email and found this little jewel waiting for me, sent by some girl on PlentyofFish.com who was interested in my profile. I think.

i dont know how to take you… hopefully ure funny cause i think your hysterical…..

miss u……waiting for my savior….

MUCH…..later….

I think I’m gonna start deleting my dating profiles from these sites. I’m getting scared now.