For the past few weeks I’ve been getting wave after wave of new matches on my trial eHarmony account, an account I’ve kept open just for kicks for the past year or so. Lately some of them have been sending me communication requests, but since I wasn’t paying I couldn’t respond to them, or see how ugly they looked either.

And of course this is all times neatly with eHarmony’s 3 month deal where I “only” have to pay 19.95 a month, a deal that ended July 25th, which they then extended to August 5th, then August 15th, then August 20th, then the 25th, then the 30th, with each new email alert giving me the same URGENT message that I better hurry up and sign up soon or the deal will expire and be gone forever and ever and ever…!

Whatever.

But since women were attempting to contact me, I thought I owed it to them to at least be courteous and respond, since they obviously paid for the service, and eHarmony’s horse crapola practice of matching people with non-paying subscribers was a fraudulent injustice that I could personally do something about (as long as I was willing to chivalrously fall on my sword and let the scum sucking bastages scam me out of $60.)

Plus, I wanted to see how ugly my matches looked.

So I finally signed up for real today and began sifting through all my matches. I had about 100 up to this point, roughly have of which were closed too, and of course these were the better looking matches too. Ah well, they all looked like slutty babylonian harlots anyway, so I counted it no big loss. When you close a match you can give a reason as to why you’re doing so, and my favorite one thus far was some hoochie mama of a ho bag who closed her match with me because “the physical distance between us was too great,” despite the fact that she lives about 4 miles away from me. Yeah, ok. I guess I had to live in the same apartment building to be close enough for her.

After I went through the closed matches out of morbid curiosity, I started going through my active ones. I noticed what seems to be a consistent pattern too. Either the matches were whale mountain beasts who create human solar eclipses wherever they walked, or they were hot but slutty looking trampers who worked for the theater. I must have emphasized my creative side a bit too much in my personality profile, because these theater/actress matches were a dime a dozen.

I knew what they were all about too. Since they travel around the country to perform in shows and musicals, their social circle is therefore limited to the people they travel with, and if they’re having no success with that circle, their only recourse for the most part is to go online.

Basically those theater girls would expect me to be content with a relationship where they blow town for several weeks or months at a time, and when they come back, I’m to be their stand-by male escort where I cater to their feminine needs by providing them manly company and buying them jewelry, all in the vain hopes that I’ll get a kissy wissy in return, at least until they skip town again after 3-4 days to perform at other shows.

It only takes me 2-3 seconds to close those kinds of matches. Maybe a few seconds more if they’re hotter than usual and have nice big honking-

But anyhoo…

After dropping the theater harlots and the whale mountain man beasts, I went from 50 active matches to about 4. One girl mentioned her love for pizza and actually eating a whole pie once, so she automatically made the cut. What? You talk pizza and you’re already halfway into my heart, fo’ sho’!

The other two were missionaries and seemed like nice people, so I kept them as well (even though the traveling thing becomes an issue again with missionary types, but at least they’re better stock than the theater people…. I hope.) The last one was a lawyer, which alone was grounds for closing, but she was very pretty, so I hesitated. She also has a huge smile too… like ridiculously Joker huge, but since her teeth are white and purdy I guess it’s all good. Judging from her profile though, she does seem a bit too far out of my caste system, so I don’t expect much there.

And that’s pretty much it. My account will expire at the end of November, and once it does I am DONE. Seriously. I’ve always gravitated towards dating sites because of my hearing loss, but I think that’s an issue I’m just gonna have to learn to put up with when befriending women in real life, and maybe over the course of time I’ll meet one who won’t think of me as broken, inferior goods just because I have a hearing loss, or because my job doesn’t pay well enough, or because I don’t drive a BMW.

Maybe, some day. But if not, I think the single life paired with an occasional trip to Prague (where prostitution is legal and CHEAP) would suit me just fine.

Tags: dating, dating site, dating sites, eharmony, girls, harlot, hearing loss, online, pizza, profile, relationship, theater, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Today marks the third year anniversary since my first ever post on this blog!

It’s certainly been a weird ride too.   Originally I started out thinking I would be using this blog to chronicle my journey through law school and into the law profession, but unfortunately life has a tendency to poop all over my best laid plans, so instead of writing about adventures in law school and beyond, I found myself rambling about topics of no particular interest to anyone but me.  My blog went for weeks without any updates, and my traffic was virtually nil.  Then I started wrapping myself around the idea that I could turn my blog into a money making machine, getting my hands on whatever material I could find out there that could help me figure out how to turn this site into a magical land of milk and honey, from whence I could quit my job, retire, and live it up as a self made man with a pizza on one hand and a babe on the other.

Then I went from there to wailing about all my health problems, which really put a damper on my blogging spirits for a while.  Then I went on a streak where I raged and ranted about dating sites and women and why they all sucked and disgusted me to no end, and not just them but people too, and they sucked and everybody sucks and the whole world sucks and why doesn’t everyone just explode and DIE????

Come to think of it I think I’m still on that streak. 

Under normal circumstances I probably would have closed this blog by now and moved on.

Only the thing is… this is the first time I’ve ever created a blog that provided a solid income stream for me.  I won’t be retiring or quitting anytime soon of course, but then again, I don’t just throw away something that’s earning me $200 a month, even if I have nothing worth writing about these days.   My feed count also surpassed 200 readers for the first time ever the other day, and it seems apparent that as I keep this site going and keep blogging, my audience and traffic will continue to expand, slowly, but surely.  $200 a month might some day become $300 a month, then $500, and from there, who knows how high it could go.  Love it or hate it, me and my blog, we’re stuck together for the long haul.  And who knows, just because I haven’t been able to earn a living NOW doesn’t mean I can’t earn one down the road, even if that road turns out to be a long, winding one that takes years to cover.  I know of one person who ran a math site since 1997, and it took her over ten years before she finally saw the fruits of her labor and was able to earning a living from her website alone.  From what I learned about search engines like Google, the older your domain gets, the more trusted it becomes, resulting in higher rankings and more traffic.  Some say the tipping point is 4 years, so by this time next year, I could end up seeing a dramatic difference that will boost my earnings potential even more.

In the meantime, this blog is still searching for an identity, a clear purpose, something to help focus my writing and truly make it blossom.  It’s sad that I find myself in my early thirties and even after all these years, I still don’t know who I am or who I was meant to be, if I was meant to be anything at all.  Am I destined to be a drifter, living a small life where I have no impact on anything, or am I meant for something bigger?  Can I overcome my inner demons and become the man God wants me to be, and the man that a future wife could be worthy of, or will I slowly fade away into obscurity and failure?

The story continues…

Tags: anniversary, blog, blogging, dating sites, failure, God, income, income stream, job, journey, land of milk and honey, law school, life, purpose, search engines, traffic, website, writing
Categories: Blog Fog
 
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It’s over, I’ve lost.

After 23 years of rejection, heartaches, unrequited love, enduring the rude, cold treatment of every women I’ve ever been interested in or in love with, I’m tossing in the towel.

My latest failure took away whatever remaining hope I had. Even though we seemed to have so many specific, rare things in common, I only managed to hold her interest for maybe 5 minutes before she decided I just wasn’t worth her attention anymore, and blew me off without warning.

I guess that’s it then. I’ll never experience what it’s like to hold hands with a girl, to kiss her, to hold her in my arms, to tell her how much I love her and care for her, and have her tell me the same. I will be single and alone for the rest of my life, and I’m sure all my enemies will gain immense satisfaction in knowing I will never be happy.

Ah well, I won’t get mad about this. I’ll just get even.

After all, if ya gotta go, go with a smile!

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!

Tags: batman, dating, dating sites, depression, despair, joker, loneliness, love, profile, rejection, women suck
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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One billion people on the Internet, 250 million from North America alone, and I yet I keep running into the same people over and over again. Which is bad enough unto itself, but on top of that they had to be ugly too. Really ugly. Bat droppings ugly.

Nowhere is this more evident than when I sign up for oh, about 30 different dating sites or so, and yet somehow, it’s always the same crowd of girls. Literally. (Hey didn’t I see your profile on Match.com? Good grief, get away from me you skanky ho!)

I’m sure they’re thinking the same thing when they see my profile for the umpteenth time, so I guess it all evens out there.

But man, come on. 250 million Internet surfers, and I can’t simply disappear into the crowd here? Nope, I get the same bloody lot of dweebs burrowing up my righteous coochies every which way I surf, stinking up all my favorite online watering holes, and there’s simply no way I can avoid them, a conundrum that leaves some of them absolutely convinced that I’m stalking them.

“Oh no, it’s that Lincoln again, he’s always following me around! What a freak!!”

Bite me. I was here first you sniveling, whiny–

Ah well. My only solace is that I am just as much a boil on their cooties as they are on mine.

Tags: dating, dating sites, demographics, internet, online, population, stalking, users, world
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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Yep, there’s really no other explanation for why I keep going back to online dating sites. As much as I bashed and thrashed eHarmony in the past, what do I do?

I sign up for another 3 month account.

After seeing the truly bizarre matches I’ve been getting, I came to my senses before it was too late and cancelled my subscription. I have to give eHarmony credit for making it relatively easy to cancel and get a refund, so at least here there was nothing gained, nothing lost. So what do I do now?

I sign up for 3 months with Match.com.

Where’s the nearest exit sign so I can find my way out of this damned stupid body of mine? Yoish. Despite paying less and getting to choose my matches now, I’m still trying to figure out why I’m doing this. I also signed up for several other sites that allow me to post a free profile, but I won’t even think about paying for their services unless I get contacted by a REALLY good prospect, or by Jessica Alba herself.

I guess this is my way of putting myself out there while I fight my health battles, and maybe by the time I get my body under control and in shape again, I will have already met someone online that I’d be ready to meet in real life.

One can dream anyway, at least.

As much as I don’t want to, I think I have to give up the notion that there is a girl out there willing to accept my imperfections upfront and even help me improve on them. I always thought a lot of women liked the idea of changing a man (a la Jerry Maguire), and that they would appreciate a guy who was honest, even if he wasn’t perfect.

Nope.

This is why guys who lie their asses off on their profiles or in real life get all the girls. Even when they get found out (as they do eventually), the girls are already emotionally invested and stick with them. The result is a lot of unhappy marriages where the women eventually become sadder, older and wiser, realizing they should have gone for that honest nice guy all along. But of course now it’s too late.

So what’s the morale that nice guys should learn from this? Simple:

LIE. Lie your big fat holy righteous ass off. Girls say they want honest, nice guys and are ok with a few imperfections. This is true, but only when a relationship has already been established. Prior to that, your life and personality has to be a resume to them. Every success has to be embellished, and every seeming shortcoming has to be minimized or omitted. You must appear in every shape or form as the perfect guy to them. Just like the mighty moose, you have competition from other male moose who all want to get it on with the same hot babe with the sexy antelopes that you’re interested in. You have to be stronger and better than all of them to win her heart. And if you’re not, you do the next best thing: lie… lie…. lie…. Don’t worry, if you win her heart, she’ll eventually forgive you. THEN you can safely start being the nice, honest guy that women truly want you to be, even though they tend not to realize that until much later on in life.

And that’s the way it is.

Tags: asses, dating sites, eharmony, exit sign, girls, health, imperfections, jerry maguire, jessica alba, match, match.com, nice guy, notion, profiles, senses, shape, unhappy marriages
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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