I know I’ve bashed eHarmony before, but this is the last and final time. Maybe.

For this last attempt and latest attempt in the world of online dating, I signed up for a discount special where I “only” have to pay $20 a month for 3 months. It was cheap enough that I figured what the heck, but of course after only the first month I was so disgusted that I wanted to cancel my subscription early. That’s when I found out that they would not refund the rest of my subscription since I had signed up under one of their discount specials, and as they clearly indicated on page 489, section 5G, Subdivision 23 of their terms of service (font needs to be enlarged by 200% to be readable), I am thus not eligible for a refund.

So I was stuck. I could cancel and lose money, or just keep it going until it finally expired, because hey, you never know right? … … …

Well today my subscription has finally expired, and here’s what I do know: I have amassed a total of over 800 failed matches. EIGHT HUNDRED. 800 land whales, man beasts, visa hunters, neurotic cracknuts and mothers with 5 kids looking for a new daddy, not to mention the horde of whores who closed me out because I wasn’t tall enough, rich enough, or didn’t have the courtesy of mentioning what car I drove. And then of course, the nonresponsive types that I would beg, plead and grovel to respond to a communication request I sent, and finally the nonpaying members with their stupid remarks at the end of their profiles: “Oh by the way I’m not a paying member, so even if you were my dream guy, I wouldn’t be able to contact you. Sorry!”

You know, if you tallied up my failed experiences with online dating since the beginning, I’m pretty sure it’s now over 1000. Seriously, at what point do I finally say, to #&*ing hell with this crap? I really thought online dating would be an answer to prayer. I wouldn’t have to go to bars or other seedy places with no other purpose on my mind than to get me a hottie. I wouldn’t have to go to church and raise my hand in worship while scoping the congregation for babes, only to realize that they’re all either 80 years old or married. At least on dating sites, I could find single women according to my personal preferences and beliefs. I didn’t have to make a shot in the dark on the distant hope that a complete stranger I met on the street would have everything I’m looking for. I didn’t have to worry that I would be judged and dismissed on my looks or preference for Old Navy clothes up front before a woman had a chance to know me. Online dating did away with all those potential roadblocks.

Well, no it didn’t.

What it introduced me to was the absolute worst humanity had to offer. Dating became akin to sifting through a Walmart circular, trying to find the best deals on products whose quality ratings were questionable at best. Women were discount grocery items that I would need to squeeze at times to see if they were still fresh, or just a little too ripe for my liking.

Is this really how I want to meet the girl of my dreams? That when people ask us how we met, I’d have to say it was through the Hoinky Boinkys R’ Us Dating Site for Stupid, Desperate Numbnuts? Pass.

So you know what, I’m done. I am DONE with this BULL .

I will never use an online dating site again. If I really want a NICE girl who is not bat guano crazy, I am just gonna have to get up off my lazy love biscuits and find her myself. And in the mean time I am just going to move on and live life the way I please. I’m not going to deprive myself of some of the great experiences life has to offer me just because I have no one to share that moment with.

I’ve been trapped in that thinking for too long, and it’s time now to turn over a new leaf and start a new chapter.

Tags: dating site, dating sites, eharmony, online dating, profiles, scam, whores, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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So I wake up yesterday morning to the news that Captain Anus won the nobel peace prize and that Marge Simpson will pose nude for Playboy (Marge being a cartoon mind you from the Simpsons), and I’m wondering if somehow during the middle of the night, the aliens hadn’t abducted me and dropped me into an alternative universe where red means go and the New York Mets actually know how to win baseball games.

But anyhoo, Friday just wouldn’t have been a Friday without another commentary on the whack craziness that is online dating. This time it comes in the form of an email I got from a dating site I registered for but had long forgotten about:

My name is Shellie. I live in New York as well. I am 41, single, never married. I have 4 dogs.

I am 4′11, have a good figure but always feel I need to improve on it.

Being newly single again after a 10 yr relationship, I am looking for friendship, maybe more.

If this sounds appealing, please contact me.

Um…

What exactly was I supposed to find appealing, the fact that you appear to be looking for a boy toy, that you have 4 dogs, or that I’m obviously somebody you’d be dating on the rebound?

And seriously, who sells themselves as a dating prospect by virtue of how many dogs they have?

Yep, I’m gonna be single forever.

Tags: dating site, email, new york mets, nobel peace prize, online dating, Simpsons, single
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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For the past few weeks I’ve been getting wave after wave of new matches on my trial eHarmony account, an account I’ve kept open just for kicks for the past year or so. Lately some of them have been sending me communication requests, but since I wasn’t paying I couldn’t respond to them, or see how ugly they looked either.

And of course this is all times neatly with eHarmony’s 3 month deal where I “only” have to pay 19.95 a month, a deal that ended July 25th, which they then extended to August 5th, then August 15th, then August 20th, then the 25th, then the 30th, with each new email alert giving me the same URGENT message that I better hurry up and sign up soon or the deal will expire and be gone forever and ever and ever…!

Whatever.

But since women were attempting to contact me, I thought I owed it to them to at least be courteous and respond, since they obviously paid for the service, and eHarmony’s horse crapola practice of matching people with non-paying subscribers was a fraudulent injustice that I could personally do something about (as long as I was willing to chivalrously fall on my sword and let the scum sucking bastages scam me out of $60.)

Plus, I wanted to see how ugly my matches looked.

So I finally signed up for real today and began sifting through all my matches. I had about 100 up to this point, roughly have of which were closed too, and of course these were the better looking matches too. Ah well, they all looked like slutty babylonian harlots anyway, so I counted it no big loss. When you close a match you can give a reason as to why you’re doing so, and my favorite one thus far was some hoochie mama of a ho bag who closed her match with me because “the physical distance between us was too great,” despite the fact that she lives about 4 miles away from me. Yeah, ok. I guess I had to live in the same apartment building to be close enough for her.

After I went through the closed matches out of morbid curiosity, I started going through my active ones. I noticed what seems to be a consistent pattern too. Either the matches were whale mountain beasts who create human solar eclipses wherever they walked, or they were hot but slutty looking trampers who worked for the theater. I must have emphasized my creative side a bit too much in my personality profile, because these theater/actress matches were a dime a dozen.

I knew what they were all about too. Since they travel around the country to perform in shows and musicals, their social circle is therefore limited to the people they travel with, and if they’re having no success with that circle, their only recourse for the most part is to go online.

Basically those theater girls would expect me to be content with a relationship where they blow town for several weeks or months at a time, and when they come back, I’m to be their stand-by male escort where I cater to their feminine needs by providing them manly company and buying them jewelry, all in the vain hopes that I’ll get a kissy wissy in return, at least until they skip town again after 3-4 days to perform at other shows.

It only takes me 2-3 seconds to close those kinds of matches. Maybe a few seconds more if they’re hotter than usual and have nice big honking-

But anyhoo…

After dropping the theater harlots and the whale mountain man beasts, I went from 50 active matches to about 4. One girl mentioned her love for pizza and actually eating a whole pie once, so she automatically made the cut. What? You talk pizza and you’re already halfway into my heart, fo’ sho’!

The other two were missionaries and seemed like nice people, so I kept them as well (even though the traveling thing becomes an issue again with missionary types, but at least they’re better stock than the theater people…. I hope.) The last one was a lawyer, which alone was grounds for closing, but she was very pretty, so I hesitated. She also has a huge smile too… like ridiculously Joker huge, but since her teeth are white and purdy I guess it’s all good. Judging from her profile though, she does seem a bit too far out of my caste system, so I don’t expect much there.

And that’s pretty much it. My account will expire at the end of November, and once it does I am DONE. Seriously. I’ve always gravitated towards dating sites because of my hearing loss, but I think that’s an issue I’m just gonna have to learn to put up with when befriending women in real life, and maybe over the course of time I’ll meet one who won’t think of me as broken, inferior goods just because I have a hearing loss, or because my job doesn’t pay well enough, or because I don’t drive a BMW.

Maybe, some day. But if not, I think the single life paired with an occasional trip to Prague (where prostitution is legal and CHEAP) would suit me just fine.

Tags: dating, dating site, dating sites, eharmony, girls, harlot, hearing loss, online, pizza, profile, relationship, theater, women
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Remember when I wrote about tweaking my dating profile before?  I finally got around to uploading the changes on a major dating site the night before.  6 hours later I get this email:

Some of your comments were flagged for review and were found to be inappropriate, and your profile was edited.  We would like to remind you that any defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, obscene, profane, offensive sexually oriented, threatening, harassing, racially offensive, or illegal material or any material that infringes or violates another party’s rights is not allowed…

The portion that triggered the review was my “threat” to superimpose the face of any Obama worshipping girl over a picture of Richard Simmons, and then spreading those photos around the Internet.  Yes, really.

Actually I could see how this might worry some people. 

Tags: dating, dating profile, dating site, email, photo, Photos, richard simmons
Categories: Comic Relief
 
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