You ever know somebody you hope never ever manages to back you into a corner so they can talk and talk and talk talktalktalktalk till your ears scream out for mercy?

That was me yesterday. I’m here minding my own business and doing some data entry, when I get verbally jumped by one of my coworkers, who decided I really needed to hear what he had been doing for the past 9 days:

HeyLinc!SoIwasgoingtothestorebecausemy
computerwentdownandIhadtogetitfixedbutthe
technicianhadproblemsandhewasn’tabletofixitright
awayunlessheorderedapartsoItookittoanother
technicianbutthenIdecidedtocomehome
andtestitoutmyselfbypluggingitinandjigglingthe
cablesalittleandguesswhatitcamerightupbutthenmy
wifehadaproblemwitherprinterthatIhadtofixas
wellbutallIhadtodotherewasclickclickclick
clickclickandboomitwasdonejustintimefor
mydaughtertofinishherreportsoshecould
printitoutandtakeittoschoolandthenblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblah
………………………

20 minutes later I faked having to go to the bathroom and hid out there for another 15 minutes until I was sure he was gone.

I now have a newfound appreciation for silence.

Here’s a scene you probably never want to see at your job:

When we got our computers upgraded, they opened up the ceiling and yep, down came the mouse crap, cradle and all. Then they just left the ceiling open like that. Are they nuckin’ futs???

When I went to see about contacting OSHA to clean up this mess, it turns out we’re not even within their jurisdiction. Instead, I had to contact an agency that belongs to the same local government I was employed by, you know, the very one that refused to do anything about these health code violations in the first place? Well that’s just… perfect.

In the end, I flipped off my useless supervisor and quarantined the area, then set up a nice, clean new desk for the coworker who usually sat in that spot. I may have to close up the ceiling myself, but since it’s directly above the next section as well, maybe I can get the supe there to bring maintenance down and clean it up instead before sealing it again.

Then I called up ISD and suggested in a polite tone what their mothers really did for a living, and if they wanted to restore the family honor perhaps they could come down and pick up our now useless 30 year old terminals and printers?

Turns out it wasn’t really their equipment to begin with (so they say). So I asked around and found out as long as I inventoried the terminals, I could gather it all up and dump them in the basement to be scrapped. So I filled out the inventory forms and asked my supe to sign it.

Sure enough, he refused to sign it. Evidently he doesn’t like his name being associated with anything other than his paycheck, so I shrugged my shoulders… and went over his head. I got the bureau head to sign off on it instead, grabbed a cart, and cleared our section out of all the old equipment we weren’t using anymore, then had maintenance come down and vacuum up everything that was left over. There must have been three inches of dust everywhere, and we were breathing this crap too. BUT, finally, after over a year of this nonsense, our section was cleaned and almost looked like an office again.

I was dirty and sweaty by the time everything was finished, but in the end I had accomplished more in one day than my supervisor ever did in the 12 months that he’s been here. I could already feel the morale lifting in my section. If my coworkers were happy now, then I was happy.

Just to spice up our section a little bit more though, I put up my lava lamp and pretty party lights again. I think I’ll also get one of those fog machines from Party City and install it under my supervisor’s desk. Our section might be clean now, but it does need some… atmosphere, ya know?

Mickey walked into work today, and I saw right away that he was in tremendous pain. He looked at me with grief stricken eyes.

“Awww, come here.” I went and put my arms around him. No longer able to contain his emotions, he held me tightly and broke down crying.

“There, there, everything’s gonna be ok. Don’t you worry now.”

“…..why????” He said between sobs. “WHY????”

“It’s ok, everything’s gonna be ok.” I hummed a gentle lullaby to calm him down. “Doo doo dooo doooooo dooo…..”

So why was Mickey in such awful pain? Because, dear readers, my coworker… is a New York Mets fan.

“We’re getting new computers!” Mick rubbed his hands together, barely able to contain his boyish glee.

“It’s about fricking time,” I said. We had been due for a major revamp of our network for the longest time now. In fact we were still using terminals that were older than me for our work here. The new network though promised to bring us brand spankin’ new computers, consolidate all our antiquated databases, and eliminate at least half of our workload. It was the kind of thing we could have only dreamt about, but it looked like it was finally going to become reality.

Several tech guys showed up with cables, and one of them discussed the new setup with Mick.

“Yeah we’re gonna replace these two terminals here, should happen in a couple of weeks or so.”

“Don’t forget we need an extra computer too. We have five guys here and four computers. That’s just not gonna work.”

The tech guy just ignored me and continued chatting with Mick. I seem to be getting a lot of that lately. Am I dead or something?

The tech guys started removing shingles to wire some cables through in preparation for our upgrade. One of them removed a shingle over the desk behind me….

And a flood of mouse droppings came pouring down.

“Sh–!!!”

It was everywhere. On our fax machine, the computer, court papers, the keyboard… just… everywhere.

We had a problem with this before, and basically nothing had been done about it. But now we were approaching critical mass. I mean seriously, does someone need to drop dead from mice poisoning here before people start to give a flying leap?

What truly depressed me though was the look on my coworkers’ faces. This look of defeatism, the sad reality that nothing they said would ever make a difference. They just stood there, shrugging their shoulders while the sky rained its pellet sized crap on us. Their tired eyes revealed virtually no will to fight.

Screw that. These bastards are gonna get a war from me. Let the poo fly, cuz it… is… ON.

I have a coworker named Prue. I hate Prue. Prue takes to my desk like it’s her personal kitchen, leaving me a mess of Hurricane Katrina-like proportions that I have to clean up every time her shift finally and mercifully ends. Since I’m forced to share my desk with her due to the cramped conditions of our section, I have to endure a daily ritual of fumigating the thing so I can use it again after she leaves.

Today was no different, so I started checking the drawers for something I could use to clean up the coffee stains, grease spots, and other strange substances I’d prefer would remain unidentified. I found some nice pads in my right drawer and started scrubbing away. They seemed to do the job pretty well, and I thought maybe, for once, Prue had actually been considerate enough to leave some cleaning supplies behind, a humble admission to what a raging slob she was.

“Linc, what are you doing?” It was Leeza, a motormouth but a friendly coworker of mine.

“Just cleaning this crap up as usual.”

“But why are you using that??”

“Hey, it works good, and it was in the drawer, so why not?”

“Linc… that’s a tampon.”

I stopped scrubbing.

“What now?” I said weakly.

“It’s a tampon,” she repeated, then broke out in uncontrollable laughter.

My face darkened several shades of red as I quickly threw the “cleaning pad” away in disgust.

I hate Prue.

Overheard at work today:

“Ohh, Linkie! Remember when you were telling me there were two prices for a car, the manufacturer’s price, and what was the other one, I couldn’t remember?”

“Uhh, the invoice?”

“Yeah yeah, that’s it! I need to get a new car and I just fell in love with this Nissan Murano I saw at the dealership. It’s fully loaded for $38,000, but I wasn’t sure if that’s how much I had to pay, or if I could get it for less.”

“Wow, that’s some serious coinage.”

“Oh yeah, but I got enough in my bank now to buy it!!”

“Must be nice to have an ex-husband,” I muttered.

“What?”

“Nothing, ” I quickly said.