So I’m at the supermarket, slowly pushing my cart around and filling it up with my usual single man’s diet of Ramen Noodles and diet sodas. A twinge of sadness creeps over me as I pass through each aisle on my way to the checkout.

And then I noticed her.

She was a petite brunette, her long, thick hair tied back and bouncing gently off her shoulders. She had the prettiest doe shaped eyes I had ever seen, eyes that were currently scanning for items in the frozen food section. As she moved, she moved with a feminine grace, occasionally pushing back a lock of escaped hair with her fingers, as her pouty lips formed in a frown of someone who hadn’t found what she was looking for yet.

I had to tear my eyes away from gawking, but I could not stop looking at her. She was a complete stranger, and yet I wanted desperately, DESPERATELY to talk to her. Do I throw caution in the wind, and finally take the chance, or do I do what I have always done, which was steal occasional looks where I could without getting noticed, until I finally give up and with a heavy sigh check out my groceries, leave the store and go cry in my car for a few hours?

Frick it.

I walked up to her as slowly and casually as I could, completely terrified with my stomach in a vice-like knot. Suddenly, I was right next to her, pretending to scan for frozen foods but unable to see anything except her.

She noticed me and glanced my way, then went back to looking. Was that a smile?

I opened my mouth and started to speak, hoping to at least get the words out before stammering or stuttering.

“Um, hi.” I smiled.

She looked over at me again, her manner polite, but guarded. “Hi.”

“Listen, I’m sorry to bother you, but I just happened to notice you before and I was so floored by how beautiful you are that I just had to come to talk to you. I know I’m a stranger and all, but I would have regretted it deeply if I didn’t at least take the chance to say hello.”

“Oh…” She didn’t say anything for a moment as she processed what I had just said. Ah man, she thinks I’m a creep now. I knew it.

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you, I’ll leave you alone now.”

“No, it’s ok, I’m just… a little flattered.” She smiled sheepishly.

“Well listen, I’m just happy you didn’t scream or anything! Oh, I’m Lincoln.”

“I’m Sharon.” We shook hands.

“Ok, um, I think I broke the ice here, so… what do I do now?”

She smiled again. “Well, you could invite me out for coffee?”

“Oh! That sounds good, I love coffee, I drink it every day and stuff! Coffee’s great! I love coffee!”

She started giggling. “Ok, coffee it is.”

I thought quickly. “Ok, there’s a Starbucks just down the street, it’s as good a place as any. We could meet up there later if you’d like.”

“Sure, I just need to drop off my groceries at my place, and I can meet you there, say 3 o’ clock?”

“Awesome, honestly you really made my day.”

She smiled again. “You’re sweet. 3 o’ clock it is then. Oh, and it’s Lincoln, right?”

“Right.”

“Lincoln?”

“Yes?”

“LINCOLN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The booming voice startled me, and suddenly I was at my desk at work again. It was my coworker.

“What..?” I asked, still in a daze.

“The phone’s ringing, get it please.”

Sigh. I picked up the phone. “Linc speaking.”

Tags: brunette, coworker, daydreaming, fantasy, groceries, romance, single, smile, starbucks, supermarket
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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So this morning I go to the range to get my Beretta on and shoot up some paper, pretending the targets were the very things I loathe most in this world, such as terrorists, songs sung by Jessica Simpson, and broccoli.

I do this every month since I’m part of a gun club that includes a close relative and some people I know from work. It’s usually the same old group of 50-60 year old guys that I have nothing in common with, except that we all like to shoot (them more than me though.) Today however was a little different.

I walked in, and as soon I approached the target room I saw a feminine shape standing by and watching the other guys shoot.

What the… there’s like, a GIRL here? Who the…

Then she turned and saw me right away, waving. It was Karen from work, a girl I used to majorly crush on once upon a time, though it was a crush that was sadly unrequited. She had quickly met and married another coworker within the span of a hockey season afterwards too. I wrote the backstory on this a few times before, but I won’t repeat it here or I’ll just start crying again.

I quickly got over the initial shock of seeing her and managed to greet her warmly. “Hey, how are you?”

We chatted for a bit while I set things up. She was wearing protective glasses and ear muffs, her long brown hair tied up, looking positively adorable. There were some new dudes here too, and Karen had pointed out that one of them was her husband.

I had never met the guy before, even though ironically enough, the Beretta I own now actually used to belong to him. Here was my chance to finally meet the man that I was passed over for (at least in my own self-loathing mind.)

He looked decent enough, a few inches taller than me and older too, which surprised me. I had seen pictures of him before but he looked much older to me in real life. He also completely disregarded my presence too, which was… awkward. My relative had to formally introduce us before I finally registered on his radar.

“Hey, nice to meet you dude, heard a lot of great things about you!”

He just shook my hand, said a few words, and then went back to shooting. Um… I tried to get his attention again and chatted up some more, using my trademark humor that you have all come to know and love.

“Oh, just wanted to thank you for the Beretta, it’s taken care of so many problems for me, especially now that I’ve learned how to dispose of the bodies properly.”

Blank stare.

“Um, so… hey, has this weather been awesome or what? Think I might go to Little Italy today since it’s been so good.”

Blank stare.

“Okay… so… … I’m… just gonna go back to shooting here.” I walked back to my post and started loading my clips.

Yeah so ok, the man has a personality of a stone. Seriously, she married HIM? I don’t know about you honey, but that 1000 yard stare would creep me out just a wee bit. Maybe he’s just shy though, I dunno. But sheesh dude, work with me a little here.

I watched as Karen and him would sometimes alternate between shooting sessions, and Karen would awkwardly try to shoot a Smith and Wesson six shooter, completely missing the target even at 5 yards.

“I think I know what you’re doing. You’re missing the target on purpose, practicing your warning shots right?” I grinned.

She laughed and giggled. “I think I hate this gun.”

“Yeah the handle’s awful.” I picked it up and the handle was so short I could only grip it with two fingers. Weird. I had no experience with shooting anything other than the Beretta though, so other guns were unfamiliar to me. I let her know that too, and that I just wasn’t big on the gun culture, only coming here to practice and humor my relative. I had to admit I was glad she was there. She probably felt out of place, but I actually did too, and it was nice to have that camaraderie for once.

“Oh, do you need another target?” She quickly walked over the table and picked up another target for me.

I thanked her and she held my arm and smiled. Somewhere in the distance I heard a heavenly choir singing, lifting their voices higher and higher…

“Hey, you wanna try shooting my gun? You might end up doing better.”

“Sure!” She walked over and I loaded a clip and pulled the slide. “Ok you’re good to go, just point and shoot.” I held her arms up so she had a better sight on the target. I happened to glance over and saw her husband chatting with the other guys there like good old boys. Oh, so THEM he talks to no problem? Schmuck monkey.

“Ok, fire away.” I stepped back to watch. She started shooting low but her aim was much better this time. “Just a little bit higher, there you go!” Eventually she was hitting black and had already gone through two clips. She was positively beaming at the end.

“I think I like this one!” She laughed again. My relative had been watching too. “Yep, everybody loves the Beretta,” he grinned.

“See, you just need a little practice. I think you’d end up shooting better than me too, because I’ve been doing this for months and I still can’t shoot the broad side of a barn.”

“Aw, you shoot awesome though!” She laughed and leaned her head on my arm. Her perfume was light and but they still sent me someplace distant and happy. I could feel her warmth, and wondered how she could feel so at ease with me like that. Women, seriously, STOP DOING THAT. These platonic gestures of affection are like burning acid to a love starved dweeb nozzle like me.

But then again… hey, if ya GOTTA do it, who am I to say boo?

Somehow, I managed to get back to planet Earth and we mingled and shot up some more paper until our time was finally up. Her husband picked up the ammo box while she picked up the target paper, the guns and a duffel bag, completely loaded down. I waited to shake her husband’s hand but he had gone back to not acknowledging my existence again and simply walked out. To be fair, it was the same deal with most of the new guys there that I hadn’t met before, and really it’s how most people here behave, so I’ve become used to it.

I turned back and waved to Karen. “I’ll see you tomorrow at work, dear!”

She tilted her head, smiled and held her gaze at me, and for a second I might have seen just a hint of sadness in her eyes.

And then she was gone.

Tags: affection, beretta, camaraderie, coworker, gun, guns, husband, karen, range, shooting, unrequited
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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I have some extended time off coming up in October, so this week I really need to take the opportunity to like, do work and stuff.

I actually take some pride in staying on top of the mass of crap that only an inept, broken system of a bureaucracy could spew forth my way, but there seems to be a hidden alert system somewhere that causes the inner bowels of the system to drop maybe 5-6 months worth of work on my desk in one day, all because I dared to pollute the bureaucratic matrix with my efficiency.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, my coworker (otherwise known as THE MOUTH) gets positively FIXATED on any particularly horrendous backlog we experience at work, and despite having a job title that puts her somewhere between a roadkill remover and a gas attendant, she would proceed to declare herself the boss of the known universe and badger me to half to death to pick up the pace so we can catch up. I just ignore her, yet instead of getting a clue, she only does it more. Since blowing her off doesn’t work, my next option will involve some form of violence. (After all, nothing quite gets the message across that you talk too much like stapling your tongue to your forehead.)

But anyhoo, if I can’t clear the workload by the time I start my vacation, it’s going to be really unpleasant when I come back, and that’s something I would very much like to avoid if I could. So blogging, twittering and facebooking will be light this week until I get ‘er done.

In the meantime, light a candle for me.

Tags: bureaucracy, coworker, efficiency, government, job, vacation, workload
Categories: In The Coal Mine
 
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So today I hear a story reflecting the sheer brilliance of my coworkers:

Guy comes in, needs to file a report. One of my coworkers gets up to help him out. She checks the computer and tells him:

“There’s already a report here with your name, only the first name is different. Same last name, same date of birth.”

“Yes, that’s my brother, we’re twins.”

Blank look.

“Let me get this straight, same last name, same date of birth, different first name. Are you sure this wasn’t filed by you?”

“Um, no it’s my brother. I said we’re twins.”

Blank look.

“Are you sure it wasn’t you who filed this? Every thing but the first name is the same.”

“I told you my brother filed that. We’re twins, we were born on the same day. You understand?”

Blank look.

At this point someone else takes her aside and says, “Tammy, why don’t you take a break now, I can take it from here.”

As if people like this working in government wasn’t depressing and scary enough, think about this: What if she was handling your health insurance too?

Tags: coworker, coworkers, government, health insurance, job, stupid
Categories: In The Coal Mine
 
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I think my new supervisor is starting to get frustrated with my coworkers.

I’m holing up at my desk here with my head down low and Toto’s Africa blasting through my speakers, when I hear the supe making the classic mistake of asking a coworker who goes by the nickname of The Mouth a question.

About 30 seconds pass and he’s already raising his voice trying to get through all the babbling so he could get a straight answer:

“I’m trying to understand why they didn’t call us back on this-”

“Babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble….”

“But that doesn’t answer my question, I just want to know why they-” “Babble babble babble babble babble babble babble-” “No, I understand-” “Babble babble babble babble babble-” “No no, why didn’t they-” “Babble babble babble babble babble babble-” “You’re not hearing me, I just need to find out why-” “Babble babble babble babble babble babble babble babble-”

The last time I saw him he was in his cubicle corner, his head down low and a Van Halen tune cranked up high.

Spend a little time here and you’ll start to understand why the saner among us don’t use desk speakers powered by less than 400 watts.

Tags: babble, babbling, coworker, coworkers, desk, supervisor, work
Categories: In The Coal Mine
 
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Right on the heels of getting out of debt for the first time in 13 years, I’m now hearing that my old supervisor will be returning to my section this week for the first time in 9 years. When I started working this job he was my first “boss,” and it wasn’t too long before I promptly got written up because I had dared to call an outside agency to ask them for advice on how we could make our section more productive and efficient. Back then I didn’t know then that doing such a thing was a no-no, even if my only intention was to help.

I had only been on the job for 3 months, and I was pretty green in the gills and naively thinking I could change the world then, only to get quickly smacked down by reality and a stupid dweeb of a supervisor. The whole experience had left a bitter taste in my mouth ever since.

In all fairness, I don’t think he intended to be malicious, he just wanted to cover his wide trailer, but I didn’t appreciate how he had talked down to me in his droning, Ben Stein voice when it happened. There were probably a dozen ways he could have handled it better and instead he chose the worst way, leaving me with a “friendly” reprimand on my record not even 3 stupid, fricking months into my job. He was unfriendly, uncomfortable to be around with, and micromanaged the most mundane things that had absolutely no relevance to the work we did. To top it off, the dude had no personality at all, I mean seriously NONE, almost as if he had been born without a soul. Ben Stein has nothing on this guy.

That’s why I was glad when he transferred out to what he must have thought were greener pastures. We went through a cocktail variety of supervisors since then, until the last one retired in a hurry and officially left us without a manager again. I ended up taking the supervisor’s desk, since there was no other place to sit, and carved out a little corner for myself in our section that kept me comfortable and boss-free for 2 years.

Recently however, they phased out Mr. No Personality’s position, forcing him to come back to our department once again, although not our specific area (yet). He had clearly done everything he could to avoid getting transferred back to our section, but it looks like the clock finally runs out this week. Judging from the look on his face every time I see him, I can see his untriumphant return as our manager is going to be a real pleasure.

When he does come back, one of two things may happen. He may play it smart and have maintenance carve out some office space for himself, or he may pull rank and evict me out of the desk I’m using now. The reason this is a big issue is because I work with 4 other coworkers, and they all have desks and computers to use. I would have to go back to standing around and waiting for someone to either take a meal break or go home before I finally had a desk that I could access and work on, this despite the fact that I’ve been here 9 YEARS. I swear it’d be like high school all over again, just floating around, never finding a group or a spot where I could finally feel at home.

Yep, this is gonna be fun. Of course, after several years on the job I’m not so green in the gills anymore, and Mr. No Personality will find I’m not the pushover I used to be when I rip his soul-less dweeb monkey’s face off the minute he starts in on me. There’s a reason why nobody wants to oversee our section ya know.

Ironically enough, while there’s no place for him to go, a wave of early retirements that began last week have opened up over 20 new positions for me to potentially choose from, depending on how my seniority compares to others vying for the same job. I know absolutely nothing about these openings though, the hours I’d work, what the people I’d work with are like or what the job entails, only that they’re now looking for people. This is the first time in several years that new openings in my department finally presented themselves, so it’s not something I can just blow off either.

Honestly, the thing that has always held me back from vigorously pursuing opportunities like this was my night pay. My night pay accounts for $300 of my monthly salary, and because a contract concession forces me to work two days a month without pay for 6 months, just the simple act of transferring to another assignment would incur a loss of over $500 a month in income, at least until December.

I hate the thought of losing that much money a month, but if it there was ever a time I could stand to lose it, that time would be now. I no longer need to worry about any debts cramping my finances, and the loss of night pay would just mean I’d have to wait a little bit longer before getting enough cash together to put down for a new apartment and move out. What’s a few months and a few dollars really if it means finally getting out of a job I have loathed for 9 years?

Assuming of course the new job I get doesn’t turn out to be even worse than the old one.

Tomorrow I’ll try to find out more info about these openings and see what’s what. I have to admit the timing of these recent events is pretty curious, and I wonder whether it might be a sign that I finally need to go? After 9 years, as much as I’ve whined and complained about my work, I’ve still gotten pretty comfortable in my job and resistant to change. Facing the great unknown thrills me in a way, but it also frightens me too. I’ve been conditioned to believe that nothing good can ever happen to me when it comes to life changing events like this, and if I do wind up working a job someplace else, I fear it will be ten times worse than what I’m doing now. I wonder if it’s better to deal with the devil I know than charge into the great unknown, even if the devil I DO know ends up forcing me to give up my desk.

I guess I’ll know more by this week’s end what will happen. Heck, I’ve already experienced one life altering event by finally becoming debt-free, so why stop there?

Tags: boss, coworker, coworkers, debts, desk, income, job, opportunities, reprimand, supervisor, transfer
Categories: In The Coal Mine
 
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