The other day I got into a discussion with a friend of mine about who the new object of my affection should be, now that Jessica Alba has broken my heart. Of course he suggested that I knock it off, go to church and find myself a nice, morally upright Christian girl to be with.

Interestingly enough, that same night I had a dream: I was talking to a guy I knew from work, and he was telling me about a church I should join that was soon planning a revival meeting. Then he introduced me to three girls wearing skimpy bikinis who were also members of that church. They were all ready and willing to, um… take care of my “needs,” you know, in the spirit of true Christian fellowship and love. Hot looking babes too.

Well ok then.

Seriously, I’ve heard of churches being seeker sensitive here, but that was just silly. I remember being too bewildered to give a response to this, but I did know no way in hell was I gonna go for this. For those of you wondering how I could be so stupid to turn down the offer of getting knocked up by three chicks (for free), the reason is simple: I have morals, you don’t.

The dream did represent one or two things to me: either it was a warning on the state of Christian churches today and how I was being right to avoid it, or it was a manifestation of my acidic hatred for any association or group that has the word “church” in its name. Or maybe both.

In any event, I really would like to believe that by being in a company of believers, I would eventually come across a wonderful girl who would be the “one.” Someone who would truly love me for who I am, who would end up being the better half that I’ve been searching for all my life.

I would like to believe that. But I don’t.