Conspiracy | The Habitation of Justice

MOVE YOURSELF!
You always live your life,
Never thinking of the future…

PROVE YOURSELF!
You are the move you make,
Take your chances winner/loser…

I was planning to blog a short series of posts given the unusual lineup of Friday the 13th being followed by Valentine’s Day this year. Ironically enough both days have significant meanings to me. One of the worst days of my life happened on Valentine’s Day, while my career plans to attend law school effectively ended on a Friday the 13th.

Instead I got caught up staring at my server logs all day long because my blog kept going down in flames during heavy traffic spikes, and I couldn’t figure out why. It got to the point that I was ready to quit blogging once and for all. That’s how upset I was.

In a way I feel like this is it, the last option I have in weaving a career and a life that I could be happy with. And given the times we live in today, I don’t think I could have picked anything as monumentally stupid to stake my future on than this. But I felt like I had no choice. God had closed every other door I tried, to the point that it seems like my destiny will amount to nothing more than working a deadend job and living with Mommy dearest until I die of a brain tumor.

And just to make sure I absolutely know what a miserable failure I am, let’s have a blogging success story that I can only dream about thrown in my face the very same day I spend hours crying and tearing my hair out over my own malfunctioning blog. Yes, let’s do that, because God knows my batter and bruised esteem simply hasn’t been stomped on enough throughout the years.

Why does that happen anyway? Am I imagining this? Because it seems like whenever I’m at a pivotal point where I endure a major setback or failure, right at my lowest moment I get bashed over the head by the prosperity and success of others close to me. What the hell, dude.

It seems like the entire universe is conspiring together to either drive me to suicide or a catatonic state where I spend the rest of my days staring at the wall of a padded room at the Sunshine and Happy Happy Home. I don’t get it. I don’t get why all of life is determined to crush whatever hope is left in me, and that it actually seems to step up its efforts to do so on Valentine’s Day.

SEE YOURSELF!
You are the steps you take,
You and you – and that’s the only way…

SHAKE - SHAKE YOURSELF!
You’re every move you make,
So the story goes…

There does come a point where I have to shake the hurt off and move on though. And I guess this year is going to be all about accomplishing just that. I can either move forward and push just as hard as life keeps pushing me until I finally prevail, or I can lay down and die, both spiritual and physically. But no matter how beaten down I’ve been, that hope that’s still flickering somewhere inside me continues to survive, and as long as it’s there, I don’t think I’ll ever truly give up. I may despair and cry and whine and wail at times (ok, a lot of times), but though I am cast down, I am not defeated, and my heart may be lonely, but it isn’t broken yet.

So go blow it out your ying yang Valentine’s Day, and whatever dark forces that keep conspiring to put an end to me, because I am not going to go silently into that good night. Bring on the noise. :shades: