The other day I got into a discussion with a friend of mine about who the new object of my affection should be, now that Jessica Alba has broken my heart. Of course he suggested that I knock it off, go to church and find myself a nice, morally upright Christian girl to be with.

Interestingly enough, that same night I had a dream: I was talking to a guy I knew from work, and he was telling me about a church I should join that was soon planning a revival meeting. Then he introduced me to three girls wearing skimpy bikinis who were also members of that church. They were all ready and willing to, um… take care of my “needs,” you know, in the spirit of true Christian fellowship and love. Hot looking babes too.

Well ok then.

Seriously, I’ve heard of churches being seeker sensitive here, but that was just silly. I remember being too bewildered to give a response to this, but I did know no way in hell was I gonna go for this. For those of you wondering how I could be so stupid to turn down the offer of getting knocked up by three chicks (for free), the reason is simple: I have morals, you don’t.

The dream did represent one or two things to me: either it was a warning on the state of Christian churches today and how I was being right to avoid it, or it was a manifestation of my acidic hatred for any association or group that has the word “church” in its name. Or maybe both.

In any event, I really would like to believe that by being in a company of believers, I would eventually come across a wonderful girl who would be the “one.” Someone who would truly love me for who I am, who would end up being the better half that I’ve been searching for all my life.

I would like to believe that. But I don’t.

I recently got temporarily banned from a “conservative” forum after challenging one of the members for making disgusting comments regarding his lifestyle. He basically bragged about being a heavy drinker and for sleeping around with as many women as he could mathematically fit within a day.

Normally this would get a yawn from me. I am from New York after all. But here’s the thing: he called himself a Christian, and a devout one at that.

Say what now?

Since when did God start giving thumbs up for behaving like a drunkard and a sex maniac? Was there a footnote I missed in Revelation that said, “Oh by the way, all those commandments I mentioned earlier about living a sinless life? Just kidding!”

Dudes, seriously, what is this? It was so outrageous I initially thought he was just joking. When it became clear that he wasn’t, and even worse tried to defend it, I finally called him out on it. I wasn’t nasty about it (though I could have been), and even used Scripture to back up my points and explain why I felt he was wrong.

So what happens? The board starts coming after ME. Well one “Christian” in particular, who I’m sure had also expressed the same reservations and concerns about this guy behind closed doors, yet decided to take his side and attack me because of an unrelated post I had made a few days earlier that she thought was distasteful. So, my lacking tact was somehow worse than a guy who brags about smelling like the women he slept with the night before?

O-kaaay.

Then another “Christian” (who also happened to be a mod) starts blasting me in private messages (PM), telling me that I go too far, that I should have taken it to PM, yadda yadda yadda, blah blah bladdy blah blah. Not one person, NOT ONE, ever considered the idea that maybe, just maybe, I might have had a point. And I did have a point, but I was the only one who was actually willing to say anything about it publicly.

I’m not the kind of guy who likes to murmur behind closed doors. I’d rather bring things out in the open, that way there’s no doubt as to where I stand on things. And believe me, there was no doubt then when I made that post. But once again, because I said what I felt was the truth, I get my arse put in a sling. So much for contending for the faith once delivered to all the saints.

The cowardice and hypocrisy of that board astounds me to no end. They were perfectly willing to express the very same concerns I did behind closed doors, but to actually tell it to Man Whore’s face was another matter, and even worse, they pretend to be on his side through it all. These are Christians? Good grief, the word has lost all meaning.

Hypocrites, In-Your-Face Perverts, and Cowards. That’s what the church today is all about, and why I no longer want any part of it. Yet in spite of it all, I really do believe there are good Christians out there, some of who even frequent this blog, and while they’re not perfect, they’re still trying to do the best they can in a screwy, psycho world. I have nothing but heartfelt admiration for them. I only wish we weren’t so spread out away from each other in distant lands. Oh well. At least I know they’re out there.

And yeah, I admit I’m hoping that amongst them all, the girl of my dreams is still out there as well, waiting for me.

….when I can now enjoy the fresh episodes of Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis?

I got my tub of Blockbuster popcorn, a nice tall glass of Diet Cola, and the easy chair all geared up and ready to go. Ahhh, a Friday night all to myself. Maybe now I’ll be able to forget about how Uptown Girl strung me along for months and then finally blew me off, the no-good lying backstabbing Babylonian harlot may she choke on her own vomit.

But I’m not upset about it.

I kinda knew deep down that things wouldn’t get very far with her. Not so much because we came from two different worlds, but also because she gave off the vibe of being an emotionally cold, self indulgent woman. If she truly had a kind heart, one that showed a genuine care and concern for others, then why was she working for a law firm that catered only to rich clients? Why wasn’t her heart drawn to helping less fortunate people, victims of wrongdoing who never see justice only because they simply couldn’t afford it? Why didn’t she take time to volunteer for charitable work? Where was that trait I was so earnestly looking for, of a woman who was willing to stretch forth her hand to the poor and needy? She just didn’t have it.

It was clear instead that she enjoyed living the good life. Sipping wine, vacationing to exotic places, tanning on beaches, jacuzzis, massages, and so on, the kind of life she could only sustain by working for an affluent law firm. Yet, I don’t begrudge her for doing these things. I think there’s a time and place for recreation and fun, but I also think there’s a point where your life becomes so hedonistic that it can corrupt your soul. And even though she professed to be a Christian, spirituality to her was something that was summed up in attending church once a week, and nothing more. She was not one I could share deep discussions about my faith with. And this was a maddening mentality I’ve seen repeatedly before which I could never understand. How can people truly expect to placate God by only dedicating a few hours on Sunday to Him, and then completely forget about Him for the rest of the week? Can they honestly believe He is pleased by this display of lukewarm spirituality?

Through my emails I opened my heart up to her, and though she claims to have been touched by it, I knew she really wasn’t. There was no empathy, no concern for my well-being, no genuine interest in how I was dealing with the aggravation and problems I was currently experiencing in my life, even though I was certainly interested in what her daily afflictions might have been. But the thing is, she didn’t have any. Suffering for her was not being able to sip wine on her patio because it rained.

She wasn’t a bad person though. But she wasn’t a good person either. I began to realize all this early on, but I guess I held on anyway, hoping against hope that maybe she would surprise me. Maybe she would indeed have a soft and gentle soul, tuned in to the suffering of others, with a fire inside her that yearned to alleviate their burdens and comfort those that needed comforting. Maybe the apparent coldness she seemed to give off was just borne out of an understandable hesitation to open up to me. Maybe for once, my sixth sense was just wrong here.

Or maybe not.

Now it’s back to enjoying Friday nights all by myself again, with only a tub of popcorn and a teddy bear named Homer to keep me company.

This should be a joyous day to be sure. It reminds us of Christ’s accomplished work on the cross, His resurrection, and the promise that sin now no longer has any dominion over us. We can now be saved by grace, not by works.

So millions today will go to church, say their prayers, and take communion while their pastors piously reflect on the true meanings of Easter. And for millions, it will mean nothing more to them than just a boring tradition that they follow every year, a reason to get out of the house. They will spend time with families they can’t stand, fire up the TV so they can watch the ballgame, then drink themselves into a near drunken coma while they feast on roasted lamb. The kids will scream and run completely amuk after they have sampled the sugar-ridden baskets of chocolates and jelly beans, or wail at the top of the lungs because they couldn’t find the easter eggs while parents try vainly to console them by feeding them even more sugar.

And then people wonder why I hate the holidays.

Honestly, it’s times like this when I think I’ve been wired so differently that I’m the only one who seems unable to abide by the hypocrisy that especially seems to come out during this time of year. If you can’t stand your family, why spend time with them? If you don’t want to go to church, why go? Why put on a show of piety when your heart is clearly elsewhere? It’s better to be true to yourself than to fake your way around. And yet so many “dissemble themselves in their hearts” on these occasions, mostly because I suspect they fear alienation. They dread the thought of being more principled and true to themselves because it might mean that they’d be shunned by others and would have to walk…. alone. For so many, this is a terrifying thought they simply cannot bear. In short, they are cowards.

One of the reasons I avoid church is not only because the local ones have all sold themselves out to apostasy, but also because I cannot be with a company of people who see Christ as nothing more than someone they half heartedly have to nod their heads to once a week, while the pastors give spiritually dead and recycled sermons in somber voices. Only by blasting the contemporary Christian music to unsafe decibel levels can the church leadership assure themselves that the congregation won’t fall asleep as a result of the same, tired old phony shows of piety they present to the masses every week.

And yet I’m sharply criticized and denounced for not wanting to be a part of this. As I ponder why the hatred sent my way is so strangely venomous and disturbing, I wonder if it’s because they’re jealous. Jealous that I am not a slave to a ritual of traditions that I can’t stand. Jealous that I don’t have to spend time with family members who drive me nuts. Jealous that I could go anywhere I pleased while not feeling the least bit guilty, simply because I don’t have any obligations to fulfill. It would come as some solace to them I suppose to denounce me as a heretic and declare me well on the path to hell because I refused to join them in their misery. Alas, woe is me, for I have deprived myself of the company of these gentle, loving souls.

There is a better way, though. I would gladly seek out the company of those true to themselves, and who truly love the Lord, whether they attend church or not. They’re not perfect. They have doubts and bouts of despair. They get angry at God and question why things happened the way they did, and they don’t criticize others who feel the same way. They shun hypocrisy, choosing instead to seek something real, even if it may not be perfect. They are a remnant, scattered abroad, and it is always a sheer joy when I am able to find and meet one who is a part of that remnant. God is near in their hearts and always on their minds, instead of being utterly forgettable six days out of the week. These are they who understand the true meaning of this holiday.