There used to be a time in my life when Christmas actually FELT like Christmas.  I used to get into it so much that I would get out my Christmas tree and start decorating before even Halloween itself came around, much less the holiday season.

The magic in the air was just intoxicating, and I could always smell the fresh, sweet aroma of evergreen everywhere I went.  Lights would twinkle, while carolers jingled, and sometimes if we had a cooler than normal season, we’d even get snow to complete the ensemble.  And of course there was my favorite tradition of all time: the mistletoe. 

Yep, it was that time of year that made me prance me around like Pee Wee Herman in blissful joy joy happiness.

But then something happened.  Year after year we would go through the same ritual as before, but the magic was somehow gone.  I just couldn’t experience the joys of celebrating the season like I used to.  Somewhere along the line, I had grown up.

I went from the little kid who would breathlessly wait for Christmas morning to come before flying to the living room at breakneck speed to open his presents, to someone who was now spending every Christmas season, alone.

Oh, so very alone.

It didn’t seem fair that my favorite season had to be ruined each passing year just because I didn’t have anyone special in my life.  That shouldn’t have to matter, right?  But it does, somehow.  It always matters, especially around this time of year.  I always thought about what I was missing, not about what I already had, and yet no matter how hard I tried, the despair of loneliness just couldn’t be fended off, and it would drop over my spirit like a wet, smothering blanket.

Christmas was now a time that made me yearn for a life where I could share these precious moments with her, whoever she was.  I wanted to see her laugh every time a Chipmunks song came on.  I wanted to see her eyes twinkle as she hung ornaments on our tree.  I wanted to see her hold me close as we danced and kissed under the mistletoe.  These were moments I could see only in fragmented dreams, in visions that would tease me with promises of happiness and love, only to fade away to the dark realities of my failed existence.

But still I hoped.  Still I push on, ever forward, ever hoping that dreams do indeed come true, and that one day, some day, I will see the Christmas stars of a wish come true reflected in her beautiful eyes.

Some day…

Tags: alone, Christmas, christmas season, christmas tree, despair, dream, dreams, holiday season, loneliness, love, mistletoe, tradition
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Last Christmas I received a lovely miniature Christmas tree to hang my decorations on, and I decided then and there that my wittle tree would also be known as the Tree of Hope:

…I thought to myself, “I will continue to take care of this tree until I meet the girl of my dreams, and perhaps even beyond.  This will be our future, special tree.”  So as long as the tree lives on, my hope lives on…

Well…

Suffice it to say, I don’t think yellow is a good color for an evergreen tree to have.  I watered it, gave it plant food, made sure it always had enough light, but the fricking thing was determined to die on me, almost like it had heard me when I declared it to be the Tree of Hope my future honey snuggles would someday hang ornaments on, so it decided to spite my ass by committing suicide.

Though it’s not like it really needed the help.  With each failed attempt to connect with the opposite gender since that time I could tell my tree was getting a little browner.  The depths of evil to which evil women go (because they’re evil) was simply too much for my wittle Tree of Hope to handle.

Eventually I decided to take it to work hoping the nuclear powered fluorescent lights over my desk would breathe some life into my poor, wittle tree.  For all I know it could have, but the air here was probably more toxic than I’d care to admit, because now it was starting to turn yellow.

Finally I gave up and planted what was left of the Tree of Hope outside in a small garden area.  After I finished planting it I threw my hands up and said, “Well Lord, I tried.  Now it’s all up to You.”

My guess is that it’ll be torn out by the maintenance crew and dumped into the trash by week’s end, which is pretty much how I think I’ll be going too when it’s my time to check out. 

Ah well.  It was nice to dream for a while. 

Tags: Christmas, christmas tree, dream, girl of my dreams, hope, tree of hope, women, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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One of my Christmas traditions for the past few years has been to boycott the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life.” To this day I’ve never seen the film, and I have refused to do so until I meet “the one.” Every time I watch a movie by myself, I feel the dull ache of knowing that’s yet another experience I haven’t been able to share with that special girl. I wanted there to be one classic movie left over that I hadn’t seen yet, and only watch it for the first time ever when I finally have my beloved in my arms. I hope if I do meet her someday, she’ll understand why I made this choice, and why it’s so important to me.

Now I’m about to start another tradition. As an early Christmas gift I received a potted miniature Christmas tree, and I thought to myself, “I will continue to take care of this tree until I meet the girl of my dreams, and perhaps even beyond. This will be our future, special tree.” So as long as the tree lives on, my hope lives on. Of course, I’ll have to take the ornaments off after Christmas is over, lest I should look like a moron keeping a decorated Christmas tree around the place in the middle of July.

For now, I can only hope that these two traditions will see soon see their fulfillment, perhaps even as early as next year. In the meantime though, I must continue to play the waiting game.

But for the rest of you, I wish you all the very merriest of Christmas, and that your Holiday season be filled with joy and peace. God bless us everyone.

Tags: beloved, Christmas, christmas gift, christmas traditions, christmas tree, dream girl, early christmas, fulfillment, holiday season, hope, moron, ornaments, romance, special girl, tradition, wait, waiting game, wonderful life
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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