It’s no secret that I’ve been raging against all things estrogen for the better part of the year now, having given up on the female race as being entirely irredeemable and utterly given over to the cause of evil.

And then someone like Sarah Palin comes along and helps me restore my faith somewhat.  Maybe, just maybe, all is not completely lost.

McCain’s astonishing VP pick (and current governor of Alaska) is gorgeous, articulate, smart, conservative, accomplished, and by all appearances a devout Christian too.  She’s also a member of the NRA.    Oh, and she’s gorgeous as well.  Did I mention she’s gorgeous? 

In short, she’s everything I could have ever wanted in a woman.  Someone who embraces her femininity, but is still a tomboy of sorts who would grind you to ashes if you ever did her dirty.  They don’t call her Barracuda for nothing after all.    More importantly, her attractive appeal is grounded in her intelligence and principled beliefs, demonstrated in one part by in her refusal to abort her child she knew would be born with Down’s syndrome.  Meanwhile others who profess to be Christians have no moral aversion to supporting a candidate like the Obamanation, who stops just short of endorsing mass infancitide. 

Being awash in a sea of underwhelming females who spend half their days with their noses buried in Vogue magazines and their heads up Obama’s goomie gumbos, Palin arrives like a breath of fresh air.

Thank you Sarah Palin.  Thank you for helping me believe once again for the impossible, that there may just be another one like you out there, and that maybe someday soon, God will finally bring us together. 

Here we go:

“Well, I’m a pastor, not a pundit,” {Rick Warren} told CNN’s Suzanne Malveaux on Thursday’s “Situation Room.” “One of the things we’re going to do is I’m going to ask identical questions to both candidates, which will be different.

“I’m not going to play ‘gotcha’ with one candidate and not with the other. This way, it will be totally fair. You compare apples to apples,” he added.

Among the questons that will be asked:

“What’s your favorite color?”

“Do you prefer sunrises, or sunsets?”

“How do you like your steaks: medium, rare, or well done?”

“If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?”

Ok, I might have made some of those up, but I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if Warren really did ask them. You think it might be too much to hope that this Hawaiian-shirt wearing fat-ass might actually bother to ask Barry-O how he can reconcile his quasi support of infanticide with his “Christian” beliefs (especially since he’s been a “Christian” for, what… 5-6 minutes now?) And yes I did say infanticide, because seriously, that’s how F%&*ED UP Obama’s position on abortion is.

You could almost hear the collective sound of balls hitting the megachurch floor as those half eunuch weenies (beginning with their Head Weenie Rickie Warren) abandon all sense of principle so they could entertain a couple of presidential hopefuls, because God forbid we should offend anyone you know, especially with the truth. Horrors!

There must be a reason why I keep confusing Saddleback with Brokeback these days.

I’m sure a few Warren fans will come out of the woodwork now to tell me what an idiot I am and that Warren is such a wonderful guy and everyone wubs him and he gives so much to the community and blah blah blah. Well sure everyone loves him. It’s easy to be loved when you don’t stand for anything.

I’ve been reading LGF on and off for the past few years (I was even on their blogroll), but I only recently began to notice a growing anti-Christian bias primarily born out of their head blogger’s distaste for Intelligent Design (ID).

While I’m a creationist at heart, I’m not a fan of the idea of ID either, since to me much of it represents a narrowly focused movement with disingenuous motives, and any movement that scraps its spiritual integrity in favor of political ambitions simply isn’t going to be blessed of God.

LGF’s continual bashing of ID though seems to be attracting a new demographic of readers, and to put it charitably, they are completely bugflip out of their heathen darkened minds.

After yet another ID bashing post, I happened to notice a comment by one of their more level headed readers:

I don’t support the intelligent design folks, but are they really so influential as to warrant such understandable hostility at this blog?  Have the(sic) made such inroads in education that they can no longer be casually dismissed?

To which another reader responded:

Considering they’re in bed with islamists and other haters of democracy- YES.

Uh oh, they’re on to us.  I better call my Al Qaeda buddy Omar and my commie friend Ivan to tell them the jig is up: them brilliant LGF folks have uncovered our conspiracy to destroy America by coercing an entire generation of children into believing that we were all intelligently designed.

Really, how much crack does a guy have to smoke before he starts coming up with nutty conspiracy crap like this?  Not only that, it would suggest that all creationists are of one mind in spreading the evils of Intelligent Design across the globe, and by God, we’ll enlist the aid of hardcore Muslims to do it if we have to!

Yet this very notion violates maybe 3/4s of what the New Testament teaches in regards to evangelism.  The emphasis has always been on preaching (and living) the Gospel, while leaving the rest up to God, because really, if the very act of observing the natural world cannot convince a person that we have a Creator, what more is there to be said?  It puts into question not only the wisdom of the extreme elements of the ID movement, but whether they are really even Christians to begin with.

But for those bare assed baboons hanging out at LGF, evidently we are esteemed in the same manner a black man is esteemed by a Ku Klux Klan dweeb: we all look and act alike to them.

Whatever.  LGF never really grabbed me anyway, as I’ve always been more partial to those sweet folks at Ace of Spades.  Only there could I get cuddly feelings of warmth and wubs just by being called a moron. 

Why is it whenever I hear someone expressing boundless excitement over watching the Olympics, I just want to bash their faces in with something hard?

I dunno. Could be because it’s taking place in Beijing, which is about as appealing as having it take place in say, 1936 Berlin. Really kinda makes it hard to root for the home team when they’re dancing around in smog filled Communist China:

They’re killing and persecuting Christians over there by the way, but that’s ok, Michael Phelps just broke a world record! Wheeeeeee!

Oh, and did anyone happen to notice (when they weren’t busy checking out the bare asses of Team USA’s volleyball team) that there’s a F&^*ING European war going on in Georgia?

God I hate this world.

I realize my heathen audience just went “Uhhhhhh???” upon reading that title, but every now and then I like to discuss a Christian topic on my blog, so like it or not it’s par for the course.

One of my beloved readers recommended that I give the “worship artist” Jason Upton a listen, hoping his music would inspire.

Listening to his music did in fact inspire me with hope: hope that he never releases another album. I keed, I keed…. ok not really.

In all seriousness, I think Upton means well, though I was kinda hoping he would be the real deal, another Keith Green in the making, yet when I started giving a few of his songs a listen, something just seemed… off.

And here we go again. As soon as my spirit gets disturbed about something I know I’m about to step into a pile of fecal matter and start knocking over sacred cows, but then again, it’s what I do, and dude, I do it oh so well.

On the surface, Upton’s music and lyrics would appear to be alright and God-focused, but quite a few of his songs also seemed vague and cryptic, their meanings hidden in obscurity. I also noted the absence of any overt call to repentance and living a life free of sin, two of the most common themes found not only in Keith Green songs but in most of the Psalms as well. It might not be a big deal, but Upton’s musical words presented a rather incomplete gospel to me. Curiosity compelled me to do some digging into his background, and what I learned (so far) pretty much confirmed my suspicions about him.

Upton’s musical career began with his album “Key of David,” which according to Wikipedia was a series of prophetic worship sessions, over half of which were “spontaneously inspired by the Holy Spirit.”

Right away I knew some Christian dweeb in love with Upton must have written this. How did they know such sessions were inspired by the Holy Spirit to begin with? Did they ask Him? Did they test the spirit as the Bible instructs us to do? Did they compare their experiences to what Scripture teaches to see if it lined up? Or was it all mushy gushy feelings and since we’re all happy shappy dappy here it must be of God? And what makes his worship music prophetic anyway? Are we insinuating that Upton is not only a musician, but a modern day prophet as well? Sigh.

Things just get more bizarre as the same Wiki entry suggests Upton was able to stop a tornado with his music, and that one of his tracks contained the voices of actual angels singing.

Sure, and I’m Mickey Mouse.

I checked out the lyrics to the song that supposedly had this heavenly choir singing in it:

I declare over you, God has given you the air!
So fly, it’s time to open up your wings,
To shake off the things that hold you down (to leave the things…..)
It’s time to spread out your wings and fly!

Do you see what I see?
Do you hear what I hear?
Do you know what I know?
Do you want what I want?

Angel: (”…undiscernible… I want you to fly …undiscernible… Fly….” )

Do you see what I see?
Do you hear what I hear?
Do you know what I know?
Fly!

And of course, someone from the audience later claims to have seen one or more of these angels, so we can now accept without reservation that a brigade of angels from heaven just decided to go on tour with Jason Upton.

Really people, can you stop taking everything at face value here? There’s no doubt in my mind that fans have now used this as unequivocal proof that Upton is anointed of God. “Never mind what the Bible says. We heard angels sing! That’s proof enough for us!”

One of the failings of the charismatic crowd today is that they rely too heavily on emotions and experiences for evidence that a movement is of God, rather than on what Scripture teaches. So they never test the spirits, they never scrutinize their experiences according to God’s word, and of course the net result is that they fall away to heresy.

Is there anything overtly heretical about Jason Upton though, other than the fact that he seems to be an ignoramus? It’s hard to say. Reading his website, I noted what a pastor wrote about his first album, Key of David:

The Key of David is mentioned in Revelation 3:7 to refer to the absolute authority of Heaven in Jesus’ hands to open the doors that no one can shut and to close the doors that no one can open. But the Key of David is first mentioned in Isaiah 22:22, where it denotes a fatherly authority, a pivotal place of opening up the riches of the House of David-God’s blessing, God’s presence, and God’s glory-to God’s people. I believe the Lord is going to use worship like this to birth whole generations into His Kingdom in fire.

The Youth in our churches and campuses are going to catch fire quickly and intensely, and they are going to take back for God what the enemy has stolen-they are going to take back the churches, the universities and campuses, and the cities that we, the older generations in the Church, have longed and prayed for in spite of the fact that we have not yet seen the widespread, reclaiming revival fires from heaven that we have prayed and wept for.

Again with this fire thing. Fires and revivals, they’re all the new rage these days, and yet I wonder if any of them even know what they’re talking about. When God’s fire is referred to in Scripture, it’s always in the sense that it consumes sin. Fire purifies and burns away all that is displeasing to God, and it is without exception, a PAINFUL experience:

1 Peter 1:7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ…

Faith is always described as a precious metal that’s been purified by fire (trials), so if a Christian grounded in the Word asks for an anointing of fire, he is in essence asking God to purify his faith (regardless of how painful that process might be). Yet from the quote above it seems readily obvious that such fire is being defined in a different context, that it instead signifies some sort of vague mutinous takeover of churches and cities by today’s Christian youth.

The more I read, the more I wondered, “What the blue flipping dip are these people talking about?” Then I read about Upton’s strong association with yet another “Christian” movement called The Call, which was founded by Lou Engle. You can see a video of Upton performing for Engle here (what’s with this weaving and bobbing crap by the way? What are we, Hassidic Jews?)

As for Engle himself, he’s a bit of a weenie, obsessed in raising up an “army” of young believers who can help turn back the “black moral morass” that has plagued America since the Beatles, mostly by doing lots of praying, fasting and worship (and a wee bit of political grassroots action.) Some of his bizarre antics have been shown in the anti-Christian documentary Jesus Camp, where he gives a sermon espousing on the evils of abortion and the need to have conservative judges on the Supreme Court… to KIDS. Seriously. Because you know, nothing is more important than making sure children understand the need for having constructionist judges on the bench by the time they’re ten years old. Chuckie Cheese? Pffft, that’s for godless atheists. We’re doing God’s work here.

In spite of this flaming stupidity, some of Engle’s rhetoric still seemed to ring true. Here’s a synopsis of what his movement “The Call” is supposedly all about:

TheCall is a divinely initiated, multi-racial, multi-generational, and cross-denominational gathering to corporate prayer and fasting. We believe that our nation is in desperate need of the mercy of God and a great Spiritual Awakening. TheCall is committed to mobilizing people from all across America to gather together to petition God for His undeserved mercy for our nation in 12-hour solemn assemblies. Just as in the days of Joel, we believe that now is the time to blow the trumpet across our land, to fast, to pray, and return to the Lord with all our hearts.

Sounds all well and good right? Until you start delving into Engle’s background and you start to realize, “Holy cow, this guy’s batsh*& insane!”

It seems Engle’s ultimate goal is really to take America back for Christians, and this “call” is basically a hyped up, Promise Keepers style movement based on the notion that if we just pray really really really hard enough, magical things will happen (and the U.S. Supreme Court will instantly be filled by 9 ultraconservative judges who all graduated from Regent University and are diehard fans of Jason Upton.)

Not that there’s anything wrong with getting involved in the political process, but Engle’s problem is that he apparently thinks God specifically told him to start this movement, in spite of the fact that there’s no Scriptural support for doing such a thing.

The Bible clearly tells us what constitutes a true revival:

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land. - 2 Chronicles 7:14

Revivals are a call to individual repentance. It’s not the world God is concerned with in this regard, it’s His people. Any revival movement then should always have this as its primary focus: that we as a Christian community have sinned before God and it’s OUR ways we need to change, not the world’s.

Engle’s movement though is not about that. He makes mild overtures about returning to the Lord and all, but what his movement is really about is changing the socio-political climate of an entire nation. His emphasis is on reforming America, not on reviving the church itself, despite the fact that the Bible clearly indicates things are supposed to get worse, not better, as we move ever closer to the end. He and his followers also don’t seem to realize that before God judges the world, He is going to judge His church FIRST:

For the time is come that judgment must begin at the house of God: and if it first begin at us, what shall the end be of them that obey not the gospel of God? - 1 Peter 4:17

Knowing this, doesn’t it make more sense that we clean up OUR house first before we start trying to save the world? Unless of course, you’re so absolutely mind bogglingly obtuse that you think the church today isn’t facing any serious problems, in which case I’d like to invite you over to my place so I can stomp your face in with my spiked boot.

The fact is, we don’t need a revival in America. We need a revival IN THE CHURCH. The time will soon come when God is going to judge a completely unprepared Christian church before He does anything with the rest of the world. We’re going to be weighed in the balance, and at the state we’re in today, we are going to be found severely wanting.

We are so screwed.

Every now and then I’m reminded that I don’t have the suckiest life in existence, and there are worst things in this world than being a virginal weenie tot who can’t get a girl to pay attention to him for more than .25 seconds.

The latest reminder came when a friend of mine told me about an old buddy of his who was currently going through a rough patch. Apparently the dude was a few years younger than me, had a wife in her late twenties and a 12 month old kid. In her unmitigated brilliance, the wife decided that a 45 year old hairy ape of a man (unemployed by the way) was somehow more appealing to her than a stable, loyal husband, so she ups and runs away with him.

Naturally, the husband’s a little upset about this. He works in a leadership position at a church, and eventually confided in his senior pastor about his embarrassing marital problem. The pastor (along with the church) did what any loving, caring, modern day Christian church would do when presented with a brother in Christ who was clearly in a lot of pain and grief.

They fired him.

After all, having somebody wailing in the pews like that is just bad publicity for the church, which no doubt needed to maintain its seeker sensitive image of sunshine and happiness and lollipop happy dappy joy joy joyness, lest they should start to lose members (and their tithes.)

It’s nothing personal you know, just business.

By the time my friend caught up with him he was drowning his sorrows in a pool of alcohol at some local bar.

Ahhhh, women and churches. Two of the greatest evils to ever bedevil the days of man. Yeah yeah, I know I’m painting with a widey ass brush there, but dammit, it’s what I do, sugar bear.

On a somewhat more sobering note though, there’s a verse in Scripture I keep getting reminded of whenever I ponder over the misery of my nonexistent dating life (and the plight of the churches today):

“Because iniquity shall abound, the love of many will wax cold.” - Matthew 24:12

Even though I’ve been fixated on the appalling lack of charity women have demonstrated towards me (except the beloved readers of my blog, how I wubs you all), this a disease I think that has really permeated all of society, especially in places where the notion and practice of true love should have been most evident (like say, a church.)

It also explains why I’ve always believed the odds of finding my honey bunny snuggly snookum wugs wouldn’t notably improve if I started attending church again. They are just as cold within as they are without, so really, what would be the point? Hugging a crate full of frozen fish would give me more warmth than these churches do.

Meh, that’s a topic for another day though. In the meantime, suffice it to say, as much as I might express bitterness and vile acidic venom towards all things Christian and womenly, once you dig past that rough, wounded exterior of mine, you’ll find I really am… all about love, baby.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, yeaaaah….

You’re my first, the last, my everything,

My kind of wonderful, that’s what you are!