Ok, so I’m on my way home and I stop by a 7-11 to get an ice cold Big Gulp, because in 20 degree weather I like to do stupid things like this.

I walk inside and oh me oh my, I see this cute as a button hippie girl, wearing one of those knit hats and arm length gloves, and just kind of looking adorable. I quickly got my Big Gulp and maneuvered in line next to her as she went to pay for smokes. She glanced over at me and I gave my usual toothy smile. She smiled back.

Then I happened to notice a very angry looking boyfriend standing next to her too. Whoa. I knew it was the boyfriend cuz he looked just as hippy, with out of control hair and the most pathetic excuse for a beard I’ve ever seen. I nodded at him and he just narrowed his eyes even more, you know, the way Superman might narrow his eyes when he’s using heat vision to bore into someone’s skull.

Yeah, ok. This girl was so cute though, so I just tried to steal a glance every now and then while pretending to check my watch, the wall or the male enhancement pills that were on the counter.

To be honest, I was kind of annoyed about it, especially when he put his arm around her as if just to make the point that she belonged to him, nana nana poo poo. Yeah go choke on your weed, schmuckbrain.

It turns out that I shouldn’t have gotten too upset over it, because once I walked out I noticed a car stuck in the middle of the parking lot. Hippie Boy had just blown a tire and was now frantically getting out a jack to get it fixed, while his darling angel stood there with crossed arms and an oh so satisfyingly disappointed look on her face.

I just broke out laughing, and continued to laaaaugh and laaaaaugh, all the way home.

Tags: angry, big gulp, boyfriend, cute, flirting, girl, hippie boy, hippie girl, parking lot
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
(  Print This Post | | 15 views )

Only a few days left before I dropkick my eHarmony subscription in the face, and already I’m ready to take a vow of celibacy and join Al Bundy’s activist group NO MA’AM.

I get matched to a few lawyers, mental health professionals and other women working in full time careers that keep them ridiculously busy, but still I sent them all communication requests, since they seemed to pretty much have it together and were cute. You think I get a response? Of course not. They haven’t closed the match though, they’re just too busy to do much of anything, see.

And right away I know what they really want. They don’t want a relationship. What they DO want is a weekend boy toy, somebody to fill in those gaps of what little free time they have left over after working their jobs, a secondhand cuddle toy that they can squeeze like a Tickle Me Elmo doll for a few minutes before running right back to work or other commitments, leaving me in the lurch to twiddle my thumbs and wait until they’re finally free to hang out again.

I’ve seen this attitude before, women who would tell me they’ll be right back on IM and then disappear for a day, two days, a week, 2 weeks, before finally popping up again, no apology, no explanation, totally oblivious to their bad manners. What really chaps my Calvin Kleins about it all is that when you call them out on it, they accuse you of being a sissy boy who can’t handle being alone for more than 30 seconds, and real men wouldn’t be so clingy and if I can’t handle it then I don’t deserve them, blah blah blah. They exhaust every excuse to justify their rudeness, honestly believing that I am to sit down, shut up and wait patiently until they’re ready to finally bestow me with the greatness of their presence once again. For a few minutes that is.

It explains the attraction to aloof guys, and the amusing logical result of it when they wring their hands trying to figure out why such a guy doesn’t yearn for them and was so easily able to dump them like bad coffee, having already moved on to his next conquest.

And here’s the thing: if you don’t have 2 minutes of free time to reply to a request to communicate on eHarmony, just how much free time are you going to have for a real relationship? And I’m sorry, I am not going to be anybody’s weekend boyfriend, so if that’s your angle, you can go suck the ass of a moose. That’s not how I roll.

And before people start whining about how men do this all the time to women, I’m not excusing that either. It’s wrong when either side does it, and if it’s wrong when men do it, why would it be ok when women do it too? If you have a busy job, but you want a relationship and someone special in your life but you ain’t got the time, then MAKE time. Simple as that. You want it bad enough, you’ll find a way. I sacrifice my time to be with someone I care about, why can’t you? You say I’m too clingy? *bleep* you.

So women want a guy who is secure and happy without the need for girlie wubs, and therefore not clingy or piney or whatever the hell it is that offends you women so much that we would have the audacity to yearn for your presence. Since that’s the case, where would you expect to find such a secure-without-a-woman dude willing to put up with your mind bending neurosis? Uranus??

So how ’bout this then, I cling to my money and a single life free of your mind games and bull donkey turd, and you can cling to your precious careers and your never-ending search for one-sided wubs. See which one of us will end up happier, biznatches.

I leave you now with this Youtube vid that exemplifies for all time why women these days are just not worth the trouble anymore.

Tags: attitude, boy toy, boyfriend, career, eharmony, free time, life, profession, relationship, vow of celibacy, women, YouTube
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
(  Print This Post | | 582 views )

So I drop by Blockbuster tonight to grab up some DVDs for the weekend, and I’m seeing this cute-as-a-button brunette prancing about the store.

Hmmmmmm… 

She was finally at the checkout, so I quickly grabbed a DVD and casually got in line behind her.

I looked over her shoulder.  “Oooh, Street Kings.  Good movie, you’ll like it.”

“Oh yah, I looove Keanu Reeves!”

I grinned, then happened to notice a really big, fatty, fat boy standing next to her, paying for, um, her rental??

“So you’re gonna be watching it with your brother?”

“Oh this is my boyfriend,” she said in a sing-song, cheery voice.

I broke out laughing for a few seconds, then paused.  “Seriously?”  I looked at him.  He seemed to be grating his teeth.

“Oh sure!  He’s such a sweetheart too!”  She held his arm.

“Wow… WOW.  Dude, you must be so loaded.  Was that your Corvette I saw parked out there?”

He didn’t say anything, but his face turned purple with…. embarrassment?  Rage, maybe?  I think it was rage.

Needless to say I quickly excused myself and made like I had forgotten my wallet, or something.

Ahhhh Friday nights.  Gotta love it.

Tags: blockbuster, boyfriend, cute girl, dvds, faux pas, friday night
Categories: Comic Relief
 
(  Print This Post | | 587 views )

“Hey Linc, take a look at this.”

Mick showed me a mugshot of a twentysomething year old girl from a recent arrest report.

“How cow, she’s gorgeous!! Wow, look at that face, so gentle and sweet…” I sighed, and handed the photo back to him. “That’s somebody I know would keep me warm and loved at night. What was it, a DWI?”

“She tried to kill her boyfriend by poisoning his drink, then trashed his car.”

I looked at him and blinked for a few seconds.

“Oh.”

Tags: attempted murder, boyfriend, criminal, girl, mugshot, photo, pretty
Categories: Comic Relief
 
(  Print This Post | | 785 views )