So this morning I go to the range to get my Beretta on and shoot up some paper, pretending the targets were the very things I loathe most in this world, such as terrorists, songs sung by Jessica Simpson, and broccoli.

I do this every month since I’m part of a gun club that includes a close relative and some people I know from work. It’s usually the same old group of 50-60 year old guys that I have nothing in common with, except that we all like to shoot (them more than me though.) Today however was a little different.

I walked in, and as soon I approached the target room I saw a feminine shape standing by and watching the other guys shoot.

What the… there’s like, a GIRL here? Who the…

Then she turned and saw me right away, waving. It was Karen from work, a girl I used to majorly crush on once upon a time, though it was a crush that was sadly unrequited. She had quickly met and married another coworker within the span of a hockey season afterwards too. I wrote the backstory on this a few times before, but I won’t repeat it here or I’ll just start crying again.

I quickly got over the initial shock of seeing her and managed to greet her warmly. “Hey, how are you?”

We chatted for a bit while I set things up. She was wearing protective glasses and ear muffs, her long brown hair tied up, looking positively adorable. There were some new dudes here too, and Karen had pointed out that one of them was her husband.

I had never met the guy before, even though ironically enough, the Beretta I own now actually used to belong to him. Here was my chance to finally meet the man that I was passed over for (at least in my own self-loathing mind.)

He looked decent enough, a few inches taller than me and older too, which surprised me. I had seen pictures of him before but he looked much older to me in real life. He also completely disregarded my presence too, which was… awkward. My relative had to formally introduce us before I finally registered on his radar.

“Hey, nice to meet you dude, heard a lot of great things about you!”

He just shook my hand, said a few words, and then went back to shooting. Um… I tried to get his attention again and chatted up some more, using my trademark humor that you have all come to know and love.

“Oh, just wanted to thank you for the Beretta, it’s taken care of so many problems for me, especially now that I’ve learned how to dispose of the bodies properly.”

Blank stare.

“Um, so… hey, has this weather been awesome or what? Think I might go to Little Italy today since it’s been so good.”

Blank stare.

“Okay… so… … I’m… just gonna go back to shooting here.” I walked back to my post and started loading my clips.

Yeah so ok, the man has a personality of a stone. Seriously, she married HIM? I don’t know about you honey, but that 1000 yard stare would creep me out just a wee bit. Maybe he’s just shy though, I dunno. But sheesh dude, work with me a little here.

I watched as Karen and him would sometimes alternate between shooting sessions, and Karen would awkwardly try to shoot a Smith and Wesson six shooter, completely missing the target even at 5 yards.

“I think I know what you’re doing. You’re missing the target on purpose, practicing your warning shots right?” I grinned.

She laughed and giggled. “I think I hate this gun.”

“Yeah the handle’s awful.” I picked it up and the handle was so short I could only grip it with two fingers. Weird. I had no experience with shooting anything other than the Beretta though, so other guns were unfamiliar to me. I let her know that too, and that I just wasn’t big on the gun culture, only coming here to practice and humor my relative. I had to admit I was glad she was there. She probably felt out of place, but I actually did too, and it was nice to have that camaraderie for once.

“Oh, do you need another target?” She quickly walked over the table and picked up another target for me.

I thanked her and she held my arm and smiled. Somewhere in the distance I heard a heavenly choir singing, lifting their voices higher and higher…

“Hey, you wanna try shooting my gun? You might end up doing better.”

“Sure!” She walked over and I loaded a clip and pulled the slide. “Ok you’re good to go, just point and shoot.” I held her arms up so she had a better sight on the target. I happened to glance over and saw her husband chatting with the other guys there like good old boys. Oh, so THEM he talks to no problem? Schmuck monkey.

“Ok, fire away.” I stepped back to watch. She started shooting low but her aim was much better this time. “Just a little bit higher, there you go!” Eventually she was hitting black and had already gone through two clips. She was positively beaming at the end.

“I think I like this one!” She laughed again. My relative had been watching too. “Yep, everybody loves the Beretta,” he grinned.

“See, you just need a little practice. I think you’d end up shooting better than me too, because I’ve been doing this for months and I still can’t shoot the broad side of a barn.”

“Aw, you shoot awesome though!” She laughed and leaned her head on my arm. Her perfume was light and but they still sent me someplace distant and happy. I could feel her warmth, and wondered how she could feel so at ease with me like that. Women, seriously, STOP DOING THAT. These platonic gestures of affection are like burning acid to a love starved dweeb nozzle like me.

But then again… hey, if ya GOTTA do it, who am I to say boo?

Somehow, I managed to get back to planet Earth and we mingled and shot up some more paper until our time was finally up. Her husband picked up the ammo box while she picked up the target paper, the guns and a duffel bag, completely loaded down. I waited to shake her husband’s hand but he had gone back to not acknowledging my existence again and simply walked out. To be fair, it was the same deal with most of the new guys there that I hadn’t met before, and really it’s how most people here behave, so I’ve become used to it.

I turned back and waved to Karen. “I’ll see you tomorrow at work, dear!”

She tilted her head, smiled and held her gaze at me, and for a second I might have seen just a hint of sadness in her eyes.

And then she was gone.

Tags: affection, beretta, camaraderie, coworker, gun, guns, husband, karen, range, shooting, unrequited
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
(  Print This Post | | 45 views )