I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but there seems to be a lot of weirdos hanging out at these Internet dating sites. I think my first clue may have been when I got a “wink” from a transsexual interested in meeting me. Or perhaps it was the message I received (in broken English) from an apparently Russian woman who liked my “structure.”

Regardless, surfing these online matchmaking sites has truly been one of the most depressing experiences I’ve ever had in recent years. If the demographics of these sites are even remotely accurate in revealing what’s out there in the real world, I think I might be inclined in taking a nice long nap on a busy train track.

Ahhhhhh, if only I were an atheist, ultra-liberal slimeball. Then the girls I’d be interested would be a dime a dozen. Only interested in casual sex? No problem! Want me to join you in an anti-Bush rally? Sign me up! Getting ready to go crazy at the next gothic rave? Let me put on my black lipstick and it’s on, baby!

Unfortunately, I walk a slightly different path.

But whether it was luck, (or maybe fate getting ready to play another cruel joke on me), a list of matching profiles sent by automated mail landed in my inbox. One of the profiles was of a woman who could very well be my own personal “Uptown Girl.” She was conservative, Christian, educated, and accomplished in her field. She came from an affluent background, worked for a prestigious employer, had a large family and a healthy circle of friends.

In other words, she was so far out of my league I’d need a time dilation device to open a wormhole just so I could get into the same UNIVERSE her league was in.

But for whatever crazy reason, I sent her a “wink” anyway and hoped for the best.

Well, she actually responded, gave her email address, and we have been trading messages for about a month now. There were times I thought she had lost interest, and just when I was ready to write her off, I get another email from her. Her last email finally indicated her desire to meet me in person.

Oh…….. crap.

It was in that moment that I realized I wasn’t ready for this. Worse still, my profile wasn’t exactly the most… accurate profile I’ve ever put together. I may have… embellished a few things. Truth be told, it reads more like a of resume I’d be submitting if I were applying for a job as an attorney general for the United States.

Yep, I’m an idiot.

But I knew why I did this. I’ve been observing that men who flat out lie their asses off about everything from their height down to the kind of car they drive usually get all the girls, even when they get found out. For whatever reason, girls who have become emotionally invested in these lying bastards tend to forgive them their fibs, whereas a brutally honest guy never gets a chance to begin with. Morale of the story? It pays to lie.

So that’s what I tried to do. Not so much as lying, but holding back crucial details about myself that a girl probably really does need to know about before taking the plunge with me.

Now faced with this dilemma, I realized something else: Damn I suck at lying. I mean what happened to me? I used to be so good at this, and now instead I’m racked with guilt for even telling a little fib. I knew deep down I’d never be able to master the fine art of playing the kind of dirty games that other scum sucking man pigs from the depths of hell had become so adept at playing.

So when Uptown Girl expressed a desire to meet me, I decided to be more forthcoming about who I was. A LOT more forthcoming. Most of my dirty laundry had been aired in my last email to her, and I concluded by saying I’d understand perfectly if she decided against meeting with me, and if she was longer interested in me romantically, that maybe we could at least be friends. I knew if none of my flaws were enough to deter her, then I just might have something here.

Maybe this time, I won’t have to pretend. Maybe this time a girl will finally show interest in me for who I am, not for who I pretend to be. Maybe, JUST maybe, I will have finally found someone looking for a downtown man to call her own.

I haven’t heard from her since the beginning of the month. Yep, a nap on the train tracks is starting to sound REALLY good right now…

I’m in a slightly better mood today…. no I’m not. Ah well.

I signed up for Facebook after getting an email from them indicating that open registration was now allowed. As much as I hate social networking sites, (especially Myspace), Facebook though seemed far more sophisticated to me, sporting a MUCH cleaner look than that other networking site that shall not be named again. So I figured what the hay, and made the plunge. There are many networks and groups you can join, so I decided to try my local network to see if there were any likeminded hot looking girls that I could discreetly add to my list of friends.

There were plenty of them in my area… that is, of course, until I filtered the results. You can filter results in different ways, including political affiliations, so the first thing I did was filter the results to show only “very conservative” girls.

No matches. NONE. Good God.

So I tried just “conservative” and got back 11 hits… out of what had to be well over 1000 girls in the same network. Man did I pick the wrong political ideology to follow. It’s not that I have anything against liberals (other than the fact that I can’t stand them), but I do think whoever I hook up with ought to be on the same wavelength that I’m on, or at least understand where I’m coming from.

To be sure, there have been many times where I wished I had been a liberal atheist instead. My goodness, I’d have so many options I wouldn’t know where to begin. I’ve thought of pretending, but I can’t do it without looking transparent. It’d be obvious that I didn’t believe the liberal nonsense I’d be spouting, just so I could impress some girl. Hell I can’t even stomach saying the name “Clinton” without spitting. It’s just not who I am. And unfortunately for me, just by being who I truly am, that is, a conservative Christian, the dating pool has been reduced to a mere puddle.

As if to reinforce this point, last night I took the profile test for eHarmony… again. I don’t know why I keep going back to them, other than that I must be a real glutton for punishment, but having nothing else to do I wanted to see if I could finally get a personality profile that for once might be accurate. I answered the questions as best as I could, and got back a profile that wasn’t totally off the mark (but not much close to it either). I did think it was VERY accurate however when it described those ideal qualities that would make a match perfect for me.

After I finished the test, eHarmony did a search for matches…

“We have found no matches for you at this time.”

Yep, somebody up there is definitely having a lot of fun at my expense. If only I had a large family, then I could simply do what all the other red state Christians do: just marry a cousin of mine.