In spite of how difficult it’s become trying to find a nice Christian girl with enough moral fiber not to go a-whoring around town every night, I’ve always believed that if I just dug hard enough through the compost heap of life, I’d eventually find my jewel.

With that in mind, there’s an old-time Christian artist I listen to that I thought only the most devout of Christians would appreciate, mainly because his songs are so God focused and consistently admonish us to stop sinning and live a holy life. So if I found a girl who particularly liked this singer, it was a major plus for me.

Yesterday I came across this inactive dating profile where the girl mentioned her love for this same artist. Total awesomeness, dude. In addition, she writes:

My life is God’s first and foremost! I am also a Messianic Jew.

Awesome.

I am madly in love with my hubby…

Ah well, it was an inactive profile after all.

and our fiance too! She is the wife of my heart.

… … … … … … … Huh?

We have an equal and closed triangle triad (people who practice polyfidelity would understand), and I am really happy to have them in my life.

What… in the… blue… F*&%?

Not to detract from the subject, but I’m curious to know what the bedding arrangements are here. Do they go for a full on king size, or is there a schedule involved?

But, really, what the F*&%?

Do Christians even bother to read their Bibles anymore? Or are you all using The Message instead, assuming it’s just as good a transliteral work of the originals? (just in case you’re a really dense moron of a Christian here, The Message is a very loose paraphrase of the Bible.)

I think what galls me more than anything about this is not so much this bizarre adulterous arrangement they got going here, but the fact that they managed to find a girl who would actually agree to it. The hubbie must really be loving his two for one deal, that’s for sure.

To cap it off, this was on top of recently learning about a transsexual who found love and “married” another transsexual. Really, isn’t it just wonderful how all these lovebirds can find each other with relative ease? And here I am, a simple guy who just wants a decent girl to love (and who understandably prefers that she not be batdroppings bugnuts insane), yet it’s like trying to find Sasquatch. Did she ever really exist to begin with?

But, whatever. Reading that sealed it for me. I am absolutely done with you Christian asshats. Because let’s face it, if you weren’t already busy engaging in a frolicking threesome, then you’d be busy convulsing in holy laughter, or running down the aisle to “get some” with Todd Bentley, or amassing a dozen degrees in seminaries to spout some fatalistic Calvinist crap, or attending a Rick Warren seminar to find your purpose in life, or cheering on your pastor as he screams GOD DAMN AMERICA!!!!!!!

I know there are a few of you left who haven’t completely lost your minds, but collectively speaking, you are all… truly… nuckin’ futs.

I can never abandon my faith, because I know God is real and that His Word is real, but I can no longer associate myself with any Christian group, much less attend any of its churches. You all feel free to continue as you were though, and let the “Spirit” continue to slay your silly, stupid asses as much as your wee little hearts desire. I choose to follow another path.

As for my soulmate, I guess I’ll still always be searching for the girl of my dreams, but I recognize now that the perfect girl won’t be a Christian. She’ll be something better: sane.

The other day I got into a discussion with a friend of mine about who the new object of my affection should be, now that Jessica Alba has broken my heart. Of course he suggested that I knock it off, go to church and find myself a nice, morally upright Christian girl to be with.

Interestingly enough, that same night I had a dream: I was talking to a guy I knew from work, and he was telling me about a church I should join that was soon planning a revival meeting. Then he introduced me to three girls wearing skimpy bikinis who were also members of that church. They were all ready and willing to, um… take care of my “needs,” you know, in the spirit of true Christian fellowship and love. Hot looking babes too.

Well ok then.

Seriously, I’ve heard of churches being seeker sensitive here, but that was just silly. I remember being too bewildered to give a response to this, but I did know no way in hell was I gonna go for this. For those of you wondering how I could be so stupid to turn down the offer of getting knocked up by three chicks (for free), the reason is simple: I have morals, you don’t.

The dream did represent one or two things to me: either it was a warning on the state of Christian churches today and how I was being right to avoid it, or it was a manifestation of my acidic hatred for any association or group that has the word “church” in its name. Or maybe both.

In any event, I really would like to believe that by being in a company of believers, I would eventually come across a wonderful girl who would be the “one.” Someone who would truly love me for who I am, who would end up being the better half that I’ve been searching for all my life.

I would like to believe that. But I don’t.

About flipping time:

Acting on tips about preachers who ride in Rolls Royces and have purportedly paid $30,000 for a conference table, the top Republican on the Senate Finance Committee said Tuesday he’s 8SOGI580&show_article=1″>investigating the finances of six well-known TV ministers. Sen. Chuck Grassley of Iowa said those under scrutiny include faith healer Benny Hinn, Georgia megachurch pastor Creflo Dollar and one of the nation’s best known female preachers, Joyce Meyer. Grassley sent letters to the half-dozen Christian media ministries earlier this week requesting answers by Dec. 6 about their expenses, executive compensation and amenities, including use of fancy cars and private jets. In a statement, Grassley said he was acting on complaints from the public and news coverage of the organizations. Hat Tip: Casey’s Critical Thinking

Remember the days when Christians used to be intelligent, discerning people who weren’t be easily fooled by fraudulent ministries and hucksters peddling the spiritual equivalent of snake oil?

Me neither.