I realize my heathen audience just went “Uhhhhhh???” upon reading that title, but every now and then I like to discuss a Christian topic on my blog, so like it or not it’s par for the course.

One of my beloved readers recommended that I give the “worship artist” Jason Upton a listen, hoping his music would inspire.

Listening to his music did in fact inspire me with hope: hope that he never releases another album. I keed, I keed…. ok not really.

In all seriousness, I think Upton means well, though I was kinda hoping he would be the real deal, another Keith Green in the making, yet when I started giving a few of his songs a listen, something just seemed… off.

And here we go again. As soon as my spirit gets disturbed about something I know I’m about to step into a pile of fecal matter and start knocking over sacred cows, but then again, it’s what I do, and dude, I do it oh so well.

On the surface, Upton’s music and lyrics would appear to be alright and God-focused, but quite a few of his songs also seemed vague and cryptic, their meanings hidden in obscurity. I also noted the absence of any overt call to repentance and living a life free of sin, two of the most common themes found not only in Keith Green songs but in most of the Psalms as well. It might not be a big deal, but Upton’s musical words presented a rather incomplete gospel to me. Curiosity compelled me to do some digging into his background, and what I learned (so far) pretty much confirmed my suspicions about him.

Upton’s musical career began with his album “Key of David,” which according to Wikipedia was a series of prophetic worship sessions, over half of which were “spontaneously inspired by the Holy Spirit.”

Right away I knew some Christian dweeb in love with Upton must have written this. How did they know such sessions were inspired by the Holy Spirit to begin with? Did they ask Him? Did they test the spirit as the Bible instructs us to do? Did they compare their experiences to what Scripture teaches to see if it lined up? Or was it all mushy gushy feelings and since we’re all happy shappy dappy here it must be of God? And what makes his worship music prophetic anyway? Are we insinuating that Upton is not only a musician, but a modern day prophet as well? Sigh.

Things just get more bizarre as the same Wiki entry suggests Upton was able to stop a tornado with his music, and that one of his tracks contained the voices of actual angels singing.

Sure, and I’m Mickey Mouse.

I checked out the lyrics to the song that supposedly had this heavenly choir singing in it:

I declare over you, God has given you the air!
So fly, it’s time to open up your wings,
To shake off the things that hold you down (to leave the things…..)
It’s time to spread out your wings and fly!

Do you see what I see?
Do you hear what I hear?
Do you know what I know?
Do you want what I want?

Angel: (”…undiscernible… I want you to fly …undiscernible… Fly….” )

Do you see what I see?
Do you hear what I hear?
Do you know what I know?
Fly!

And of course, someone from the audience later claims to have seen one or more of these angels, so we can now accept without reservation that a brigade of angels from heaven just decided to go on tour with Jason Upton.

Really people, can you stop taking everything at face value here? There’s no doubt in my mind that fans have now used this as unequivocal proof that Upton is anointed of God. “Never mind what the Bible says. We heard angels sing! That’s proof enough for us!”

One of the failings of the charismatic crowd today is that they rely too heavily on emotions and experiences for evidence that a movement is of God, rather than on what Scripture teaches. So they never test the spirits, they never scrutinize their experiences according to God’s word, and of course the net result is that they fall away to heresy.

Is there anything overtly heretical about Jason Upton though, other than the fact that he seems to be an ignoramus? It’s hard to say. Reading his website, I noted what a pastor wrote about his first album, Key of David:

The Key of David is mentioned in Revelation 3:7 to refer to the absolute authority of Heaven in Jesus’ hands to open the doors that no one can shut and to close the doors that no one can open. But the Key of David is first mentioned in Isaiah 22:22, where it denotes a fatherly authority, a pivotal place of opening up the riches of the House of David-God’s blessing, God’s presence, and God’s glory-to God’s people. I believe the Lord is going to use worship like this to birth whole generations into His Kingdom in fire.

The Youth in our churches and campuses are going to catch fire quickly and intensely, and they are going to take back for God what the enemy has stolen-they are going to take back the churches, the universities and campuses, and the cities that we, the older generations in the Church, have longed and prayed for in spite of the fact that we have not yet seen the widespread, reclaiming revival fires from heaven that we have prayed and wept for.

Again with this fire thing. Fires and revivals, they’re all the new rage these days, and yet I wonder if any of them even know what they’re talking about. When God’s fire is referred to in Scripture, it’s always in the sense that it consumes sin. Fire purifies and burns away all that is displeasing to God, and it is without exception, a PAINFUL experience:

1 Peter 1:7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ…

Faith is always described as a precious metal that’s been purified by fire (trials), so if a Christian grounded in the Word asks for an anointing of fire, he is in essence asking God to purify his faith (regardless of how painful that process might be). Yet from the quote above it seems readily obvious that such fire is being defined in a different context, that it instead signifies some sort of vague mutinous takeover of churches and cities by today’s Christian youth.

The more I read, the more I wondered, “What the blue flipping dip are these people talking about?” Then I read about Upton’s strong association with yet another “Christian” movement called The Call, which was founded by Lou Engle. You can see a video of Upton performing for Engle here (what’s with this weaving and bobbing crap by the way? What are we, Hassidic Jews?)

As for Engle himself, he’s a bit of a weenie, obsessed in raising up an “army” of young believers who can help turn back the “black moral morass” that has plagued America since the Beatles, mostly by doing lots of praying, fasting and worship (and a wee bit of political grassroots action.) Some of his bizarre antics have been shown in the anti-Christian documentary Jesus Camp, where he gives a sermon espousing on the evils of abortion and the need to have conservative judges on the Supreme Court… to KIDS. Seriously. Because you know, nothing is more important than making sure children understand the need for having constructionist judges on the bench by the time they’re ten years old. Chuckie Cheese? Pffft, that’s for godless atheists. We’re doing God’s work here.

In spite of this flaming stupidity, some of Engle’s rhetoric still seemed to ring true. Here’s a synopsis of what his movement “The Call” is supposedly all about:

TheCall is a divinely initiated, multi-racial, multi-generational, and cross-denominational gathering to corporate prayer and fasting. We believe that our nation is in desperate need of the mercy of God and a great Spiritual Awakening. TheCall is committed to mobilizing people from all across America to gather together to petition God for His undeserved mercy for our nation in 12-hour solemn assemblies. Just as in the days of Joel, we believe that now is the time to blow the trumpet across our land, to fast, to pray, and return to the Lord with all our hearts.

Sounds all well and good right? Until you start delving into Engle’s background and you start to realize, “Holy cow, this guy’s batsh*& insane!”

It seems Engle’s ultimate goal is really to take America back for Christians, and this “call” is basically a hyped up, Promise Keepers style movement based on the notion that if we just pray really really really hard enough, magical things will happen (and the U.S. Supreme Court will instantly be filled by 9 ultraconservative judges who all graduated from Regent University and are diehard fans of Jason Upton.)

Not that there’s anything wrong with getting involved in the political process, but Engle’s problem is that he apparently thinks God specifically told him to start this movement, in spite of the fact that there’s no Scriptural support for doing such a thing.

The Bible clearly tells us what constitutes a true revival:

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land. - 2 Chronicles 7:14

Revivals are a call to individual repentance. It’s not the world God is concerned with in this regard, it’s His people. Any revival movement then should always have this as its primary focus: that we as a Christian community have sinned before God and it’s OUR ways we need to change, not the world’s.

Engle’s movement though is not about that. He makes mild overtures about returning to the Lord and all, but what his movement is really about is changing the socio-political climate of an entire nation. His emphasis is on reforming America, not on reviving the church itself, despite the fact that the Bible clearly indicates things are supposed to get worse, not better, as we move ever closer to the end. He and his followers also don’t seem to realize that before God judges the world, He is going to judge His church FIRST:

For the time is come that judgment must begin at the house of God: and if it first begin at us, what shall the end be of them that obey not the gospel of God? - 1 Peter 4:17

Knowing this, doesn’t it make more sense that we clean up OUR house first before we start trying to save the world? Unless of course, you’re so absolutely mind bogglingly obtuse that you think the church today isn’t facing any serious problems, in which case I’d like to invite you over to my place so I can stomp your face in with my spiked boot.

The fact is, we don’t need a revival in America. We need a revival IN THE CHURCH. The time will soon come when God is going to judge a completely unprepared Christian church before He does anything with the rest of the world. We’re going to be weighed in the balance, and at the state we’re in today, we are going to be found severely wanting.

We are so screwed.

Many thanks in advance! Oh, make sure you exclude me, of course.

There are certain things in life that I simply cannot abide by, such as broccoli, rap music, humidity, and last but not least, obnoxiously rude Christians.

I was on the wrong end of this when I emailed no less than five girls on a social networking site who proudly proclaimed their Christianity… and got ignored by all five.

Now I’d expect this kind of rudeness from the French (or people from Brooklyn, where I would have been insulted if they hadn’t flipped me off), but Christians?

Really, let’s think about this. You say you’re a Christian, I say I’m a Christian. At the very least that makes me your brother in Christ, does it not? If I email you expressing interest in getting to know you better, even if it’s just as a penpal, what the *&%$ does it take to fire off a quick but polite message letting me know you’re not interested, or you don’t have time, or whatever? Honestly, you wouldn’t blow off a flesh and blood sibling like this, would you? Well maybe you would, I dunno. You certainly got icy cold water running through your veins, so who knows, if your mother was having a heart attack you’d probably step over her crumpled body on your way to the beauty salon.

Now naturally, because I think the world revolves around me, I’m of the opinion that Christians exist for no other reason than just to frost my cookies. But I got IMed from a girl living in the Bible belt the other day, and she actually turned out to be a pretty decent person. What she told me about her dating experiences was pretty telling. Every guy that she’s dated in the past few years claimed to be a Christian or attended her church. And yet EVERY single one of them wanted booty, and when she wouldn’t give it to them, they dumped her.

I could understand if one or two wanted to roll around in bed with her, probably just faking their way through church so they can get a little Christian butt-cheeks action.

ALL of them though??? In the Bible belt??

If that doesn’t tell me that the destruction of America’s churches today have become a foregone conclusion, nothing will. That’s what happens when you turn once holy gatherings into social clubs to cater to our every whim. Congratulations Rick Warren, this is what you have wrought, you fat disgusting pig.

Still, I’m glad to see I’m not the ONLY one out there struggling, and for now at least, I have a penpal who gets me… at least until she realizes what a belligerent crab I can be.

In spite of how difficult it’s become trying to find a nice Christian girl with enough moral fiber not to go a-whoring around town every night, I’ve always believed that if I just dug hard enough through the compost heap of life, I’d eventually find my jewel.

With that in mind, there’s an old-time Christian artist I listen to that I thought only the most devout of Christians would appreciate, mainly because his songs are so God focused and consistently admonish us to stop sinning and live a holy life. So if I found a girl who particularly liked this singer, it was a major plus for me.

Yesterday I came across this inactive dating profile where the girl mentioned her love for this same artist. Total awesomeness, dude. In addition, she writes:

My life is God’s first and foremost! I am also a Messianic Jew.

Awesome.

I am madly in love with my hubby…

Ah well, it was an inactive profile after all.

and our fiance too! She is the wife of my heart.

… … … … … … … Huh?

We have an equal and closed triangle triad (people who practice polyfidelity would understand), and I am really happy to have them in my life.

What… in the… blue… F*&%?

Not to detract from the subject, but I’m curious to know what the bedding arrangements are here. Do they go for a full on king size, or is there a schedule involved?

But, really, what the F*&%?

Do Christians even bother to read their Bibles anymore? Or are you all using The Message instead, assuming it’s just as good a transliteral work of the originals? (just in case you’re a really dense moron of a Christian here, The Message is a very loose paraphrase of the Bible.)

I think what galls me more than anything about this is not so much this bizarre adulterous arrangement they got going here, but the fact that they managed to find a girl who would actually agree to it. The hubbie must really be loving his two for one deal, that’s for sure.

To cap it off, this was on top of recently learning about a transsexual who found love and “married” another transsexual. Really, isn’t it just wonderful how all these lovebirds can find each other with relative ease? And here I am, a simple guy who just wants a decent girl to love (and who understandably prefers that she not be batdroppings bugnuts insane), yet it’s like trying to find Sasquatch. Did she ever really exist to begin with?

But, whatever. Reading that sealed it for me. I am absolutely done with you Christian asshats. Because let’s face it, if you weren’t already busy engaging in a frolicking threesome, then you’d be busy convulsing in holy laughter, or running down the aisle to “get some” with Todd Bentley, or amassing a dozen degrees in seminaries to spout some fatalistic Calvinist crap, or attending a Rick Warren seminar to find your purpose in life, or cheering on your pastor as he screams GOD DAMN AMERICA!!!!!!!

I know there are a few of you left who haven’t completely lost your minds, but collectively speaking, you are all… truly… nuckin’ futs.

I can never abandon my faith, because I know God is real and that His Word is real, but I can no longer associate myself with any Christian group, much less attend any of its churches. You all feel free to continue as you were though, and let the “Spirit” continue to slay your silly, stupid asses as much as your wee little hearts desire. I choose to follow another path.

As for my soulmate, I guess I’ll still always be searching for the girl of my dreams, but I recognize now that the perfect girl won’t be a Christian. She’ll be something better: sane.

So it seems like B. Hussein Osama Obama has finally resigned from his cracknuts church. I didn’t even know you could resign from a church, but besides that, didn’t he say he couldn’t disown Wright or his church anymore than he could his own family? I guess I must have missed the last part, “…unless it interferes with my political ambitions.”

I don’t know what’s worse, him basically conceding the fact that he joined a church for political reasons (and then left it for political reasons), or him appearing genuinely surprised and shocked (SHOCKED!) to hear of the racist, anti-American venom that continues to be spewed from the pulpit on a regular basis. Really, 20 years and he has no idea? It only took Oprah Winfrey 2 years before realizing how batsh&% insane Rev. Wright could get, so what’s Barry’s excuse?

This all seems wrong though. Wasn’t Obama supposed to be the Chocolate Messiah come down from heaven to save us whiteys from ourselves, all in a spirit of true Hope and Change™? Yes we can!! And that upon the rock of Daily Kos weenies he would build his church, and the gates of hell would not prevail against it? Yes we can!!

And yet the man who portrays himself as the very symbol of racial unity and snuggleness throws his entire church under the bus, not because he disagrees with them so much, but mainly because he just doesn’t want to see those poor wonderful folks suffer the national scrutiny that comes from running in a Presidential election. (Read: I don’t want Whitey America to find out just how buggernuts bonkos insane my church of 20+ years can really get.)

Good Lord, what a dillweed.

Is there even anything about Trinity United Church of Christ that would be remotely Christian to begin with? A church that would seem to support separatism, promote the agenda of a single race while villifying another, honor anti-semitic scumbags like Louie Farrakhan, support abortion on demand, and hold fast to Marxist principles, all while abandoning the more orthodox teachings of the Bible?

If this is a true Christian church, then the Easter Bunny is my Daddy.

Despite the Obamessiah’s attempts to distance himself from this crowd, it actually does a lot to explain his dangerous political ideology, and especially why it was only recently that his wife could finally say she was proud of her country. Oy.

God forbid this guy should win, or Jimmy Carter will end up getting his second term after all.

There’s been another “revival” going down in Florida (it’s always Florida) where people have been experiencing healings and miracles and walking away with gold teeth even. (Really, gold teeth now? Why not drop some gold bonds into our laps instead? Seems that would be far more constructive than having to get one of my chompers ripped out just so I can cash in on some heavenly manna.)

Anyway… at least one healing allegedly went awry though when a pastor suffering from bone cancer died only a week later after he was pronounced healed by the repugnant looking Todd Bentley (really dude, how much metal can you possibly jam into your eyebrows there? Though I guess I shouldn’t say anything, since God supposedly told you to mutilate your body… repeatedly… all for His glory I’m sure.)

After I chimed in with my own thoughts on the story at Word N’ Verse, I noticed a comment in response to Isaiah’s post that to put it mildly, was bonknuts insane:

…But blame shifting is not the answer my friend. Todd Bentley believe that God’s word is true - just as you do. Therefore, he can say without any doubt that, “We are healed.” Todd is not the healer. God is. And we are not Todd’s judge. God is.

Good grief what an idiot. Supposing Larry Reed’s story is true (I can’t confirm whether it is), it’s obvious in this context Bentley was declaring that Reed was physically healed, and wasn’t merely speaking in metaphorical terms. Reed after all didn’t make that trip just so he could be reassured that we’re all metaphorically/spiritually healed in Christ, ‘Praise the Lord, Amen’ and all that jazz. He was looking for an actual HEALING.

Bentley made a false declaration, plain and simple. To infer that he was speaking merely in metaphorical terms is ridiculous and offensive.

So what went wrong then? I don’t know, maybe the angels that were assigned to do Reed’s healing were too busy gathering money from the four corners of the earth to support Bentley’s lifestyle that they just couldn’t get to the poor guy in time.

Seriously, this guy is like a Harley Davidson version of Benny Hinn, and you’d think by now people would finally warm up to the shenanigans of these holy rolling scam artists and realize how they’ve been getting jerked around all these years. But nope, proclamations of meeting up with Paul in heaven and conversing with girlie angels named Emma only has the masses begging for more.

Although…. I wonder if Emma is single? Hey, I always believed the girl of my dreams would be an angel from heaven, so maybe if Bentley Boy can hook me up, I might decide not to be so critical of his ministry.

Nah, I’ll do it myself, *picks up cell phone*

“Hello, Information? Give me Jesus on the line….”

I recently got temporarily banned from a “conservative” forum after challenging one of the members for making disgusting comments regarding his lifestyle. He basically bragged about being a heavy drinker and for sleeping around with as many women as he could mathematically fit within a day.

Normally this would get a yawn from me. I am from New York after all. But here’s the thing: he called himself a Christian, and a devout one at that.

Say what now?

Since when did God start giving thumbs up for behaving like a drunkard and a sex maniac? Was there a footnote I missed in Revelation that said, “Oh by the way, all those commandments I mentioned earlier about living a sinless life? Just kidding!”

Dudes, seriously, what is this? It was so outrageous I initially thought he was just joking. When it became clear that he wasn’t, and even worse tried to defend it, I finally called him out on it. I wasn’t nasty about it (though I could have been), and even used Scripture to back up my points and explain why I felt he was wrong.

So what happens? The board starts coming after ME. Well one “Christian” in particular, who I’m sure had also expressed the same reservations and concerns about this guy behind closed doors, yet decided to take his side and attack me because of an unrelated post I had made a few days earlier that she thought was distasteful. So, my lacking tact was somehow worse than a guy who brags about smelling like the women he slept with the night before?

O-kaaay.

Then another “Christian” (who also happened to be a mod) starts blasting me in private messages (PM), telling me that I go too far, that I should have taken it to PM, yadda yadda yadda, blah blah bladdy blah blah. Not one person, NOT ONE, ever considered the idea that maybe, just maybe, I might have had a point. And I did have a point, but I was the only one who was actually willing to say anything about it publicly.

I’m not the kind of guy who likes to murmur behind closed doors. I’d rather bring things out in the open, that way there’s no doubt as to where I stand on things. And believe me, there was no doubt then when I made that post. But once again, because I said what I felt was the truth, I get my arse put in a sling. So much for contending for the faith once delivered to all the saints.

The cowardice and hypocrisy of that board astounds me to no end. They were perfectly willing to express the very same concerns I did behind closed doors, but to actually tell it to Man Whore’s face was another matter, and even worse, they pretend to be on his side through it all. These are Christians? Good grief, the word has lost all meaning.

Hypocrites, In-Your-Face Perverts, and Cowards. That’s what the church today is all about, and why I no longer want any part of it. Yet in spite of it all, I really do believe there are good Christians out there, some of who even frequent this blog, and while they’re not perfect, they’re still trying to do the best they can in a screwy, psycho world. I have nothing but heartfelt admiration for them. I only wish we weren’t so spread out away from each other in distant lands. Oh well. At least I know they’re out there.

And yeah, I admit I’m hoping that amongst them all, the girl of my dreams is still out there as well, waiting for me.

I hate that kid. I hate his nerdy glasses, I hate his friends, I hate his friend’s friends, and I hate his stupid broom too.

But worst of all, I hate people who are willing to camp out for days at their local bookstores just so they can get the latest and greatest copy of the book starring, whose else, but that wand wielding little twerp.

I mean seriously people, what is this, Star Wars? Get a frakking life already.

Honestly, it’s not that I’m opposed to the idea of reading the Harry Potter series (or watching the movies), and getting a cheap thrill out of doing so. But when I see you wearing the wizard hat and pulling up your bedsheets with its Harry Potter icons while you snuggle down with one of J.K. Rowling’s books for a good read, (and you’re in your 40s for crying out loud), I don’t see someone who merely has a hobby he or she loves. I see someone who’s gone completely around the bend and is a prime candidate for drugs and lots of therapy.

And this is just the Christians I’m talking about. Really, go here and tell me if you don’t find this obsession just a little bit disconcerting.

I really don’t get this. Maybe it’s because overhyped fiction has always been a turnoff for me, a personality trait that also proved to be one of the reasons why I’ve never seen the movie Titanic either. Whatever everybody and their mother did, I tended to do the exact opposite, if for no other reason than just to maintain my individuality. Worldly fads simply didn’t appeal to me, and following after it with any degree of enthusiasm always left a bad taste in my mouth.

And yet Christians go bonkers just as much as the world does whenever there’s word that a new book or film is coming out. So let me ask you Christian Potterheads: why does Harry Potter, a fictional character no less, thrill you and move you more than Christ does? Why isn’t it enough to simply read one of the books in the series and go, “Hmm, that was interesting?”

Nope, can’t stop there. You have to camp out at bookstores, turn your bedroom into a museum of Harry Potter paraphernalia, scream like a banshee at people who threaten to reveal spoilers, and whenever you get the chance to talk about it, (which is every 5 seconds), it’s Harry this and Harry that, and Harry, Harry, Harry, HarryHarryHarryHarry…

Obsessed, MUCH? Some of you I swear need to get a good smack upside the head… with by a 2×4.

Do you not see anything wrong with this at all? Do you not even feel a teensy weensy bit embarassed? Forget about the witchcraft and the occultic elements and the controversy therein. This is about taking a hobby and pushing it to the point of obsession, an obsession that even goes so far as attempting to demonstrate Christian symbolism in Rowling’s works, as if by doing so it would somehow be seen as a validation of sorts for Christians to continue obsessing over literature that revolves around magic and witchcraft.

Please. I’m sure I myself could find Christian imagery in the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show if I looked hard enough. “Ooooooo, see Rocky flying and coming to save Bullwinkle?? Just like the Lord Jesus came to save us!”

In the end, I have to say there’s something truly disconcerting about living in a world where not having read a single Harry Potter book makes ME the weird one.