This might come as a shock to you, but I hate Valentine’s Day.

Ever since Donna Costello kicked me in the shinny after giving her a Valentine card back in the third grade, I knew this holiday was going to bring me nothing but grief.

It got worse during my high school years when some evil bastard of a bastard came up with the brilliant idea to have flowers and Valentines delivered DURING CLASSES. So I’m sitting there at my desk minding my own business, trying to learn the intricacies of the periodic table, when lo and behold there’s a knock on the door and in walks this delivery guy holding a huge bouquet of flowers, meant of course for the ONE girl I happened to have a crush on. And then when class is over I get to watch her throw her arms around her darling love while I grab my chest and try to endure the agony of having my heart get ripped to shreds as I made my way to Spanish class.

Year after year it was like this, even as I continued to hope in vain that maybe, just maybe, next time things would be different. Nope. Unfulfilled love, loneliness, pain and anguish continued to rule my Valentine’s Day.

Then a few years ago, something happened that would forever seal Valentine’s day as a day of infamy for me. I came home one night to find an eviction notice had been posted on my door. An evil relative had stolen the house that my family bought and paid for, and then had the courts rule in his favor to get us thrown out so his granddaughter could move in with her skank boyfriend. My family unfortunately had no money for an attorney, so we were left defenseless against this onslaught of pure hatred. And, (almost like it was his parting gift), our relative poisoned our pet cat, who died shortly before our eviction.

The worst act of hatred that had ever been commited against me (and left me homeless for the first time in my life) happened precisely… on Valentine’s Day. That experience changed my life forever. I no longer had a place to call home, and the ruinous trials that resulted in that destructive aftermath left all of us with no assets except the cars we drove and the clothes on our backs. My parents will never be able to retire, and even with our resources pooled together we had all been effectively priced out of the housing market. Even years later, I can still feel the dull impact of that devastating day.

So yeah, I f*&#ing hate this accursed holiday.

The only way I’ve managed to survive in the years that followed was to basically hide under the bed and pray the demon-spirit of Valentine wouldn’t come get me. Then when the morning of the 15th finally came, I’d come out and breathe a sigh of relief in knowing I would live to see another day.

Of course, last year I made the mistake of thinking it was finally safe to come out again, and met someone online (on Valentine’s Day) who seemed to be the perfect girl for me. Educated, funny, intelligent, had a good career, loved to travel, shared the same political and religious beliefs I did, and most importantly, had blonde hair .

The perfect girl ended up stringing me along for 2 months, and then after sending her flowers for her birthday, I get texted a terse “thank you” and never hear from her again. I mean sheesh, if you’re gonna be like that then at least pay me the difference for the flowers I bought you cheap miserable mother#*&%ing bi___

I hate Valentine’s Day.

But… you know, whether it’s because I’m a glutton for punishment or because I’m just a dumb schmuck (or both), there’s a part of me that’s still holding out hope that this Valentine’s curse will someday be lifted. That maybe, just maybe, there’s a special girl out there who can finally break the hex and make this day a day I no longer have to fear or despise again.

Until then, I will continue to hide under the bed and rage against the pink machine.

Tags: anguish, anti valentine, evicted, evil, hate, homeless, loneliness, pain, pet cat, unrequited love, valentine card, valentines day
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Here’s my working list of the things I might like to do for Valentine’s Day:

• Toss molotov cocktails into Hallmark stores.
• With a pair of scissors, walk into florist shops and snip off the top of all the flowers.
• Look for starry eyed couples playing suck face in public, approach them and ask the girl, “Thanks for giving me a deal on the trick the other night. Can we do it again on Tuesday, same time, same place?”
• Randomly call husbands at home and ask them if their wives will be free again tonight. Refer to the wife as your “honey bunny pie” to enrage him even more.
• Rent out a copy of every Valentine’s Day related slasher flick ever produced, beginning with My Bloody Valentine.
• Drop kick anyone in the face who mentions how wonderful and dreamy their girlfriends are. Kick them again when they’re moaning on the floor from the pain. Kick them yet again.
• Send emails to everyone on my contact list with the message, “I’m really sorry to tell you this, but I just saw your boyfriend/girlfriend making out with this girl/guy at the mall today.”
• Go to the park to look for couples cuddling after a picnic. Tell the nearest park police officer, “Excuse me officer, but I saw this couple smoking pot and sharing it with some 8 year old kids. Can you go check it out?”
• Find out who’s planning a romantic dinner at home and when. Just as their dinner is about to start, call 911 and in a frantic voice inform them you heard gunshots coming from their house.

I think all that should be enough to keep me busy on Valentine’s.

Tags: anti valentine, bloody valentine, evil, list, things to do, valentines day
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Here’s a collection of Anti-Valentine related quotes I’ve found around the web. I think I like the last one the best.

If it weren’t for you I’d be a different person, maybe even happy.

If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost as if you’re here.

You had me at HELL no!

Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma.

I feel much better now that I’ve given up hope.

I haven’t spoken to my girlfriend in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

My girlfriend has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you love, affection and comfort? Me neither.

If you can think of anymore, post them in the comments.

Tags: anti valentine, funny, Quotes, valentines day
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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To the poor little boy who found my blog using the search phrase,

“i’m 12 and i like this girl who is dating another guy how do i win her heart”

Congratulations, you are now about to embark on what will undoubtedly be the start of a lifelong journey of unrequited love and gut wrenching heartbreaks, because that cute little girl you’ve been mooning over for months and leaving little notes for is in fact one vicious, bedazzled terrorist of a creature who was fathered by Satan and mothered by the Antichrist. There is no doubt that she would not hesitate for a second to claw your eyes out and bite you in the face just for daring to pollute her existence, and then going off to laugh with her spiky haired boyfriend about what a huge loser you are.

So give it up. No matter what you do, she will never, ever like you, and those freckles on your face that Mamma said made you look so adorable, in fact make you look like a genetic mutant freak of nature to the object of your affection and the rest of the real world.

Consider this your baptism of fire into a life of bitterness and loneliness, because things are about to get much, much worse. As women get older, they will have outgrown the physical biting and clawing your eyes out, because by then they’ll have mastered the art of psychologically screwing your mind over so badly that all that will be left of you by the time they’re done is a shell of a human being wrapped in a strait jacket, muttering incoherent thoughts in a padded room at the Sunshine and Happy Happy Home.

So, you can take this as an early lesson that women are not cuddly bundles of love, but are in fact hateful instruments of torture and destruction who will happily dance all over your carcass while playing suck face with their latest trailer park trash boyfriend who just made parole.

Learn this truth now my boy, and you can save yourself by writing off the female race altogether, and then throwing down a daily dose of Prozac to numb out your feelings so you’ll never fall in love again.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Tags: advice, anti valentine, heartbreaks, loneliness, unrequited love, valentines day, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Just a short montage of Anti-Valentine’s Day photos and images for your viewing pleasure:

And here’s a Match.com dating ad tossed in just for good measure:

Found at Cracked.com

If you have or know of any other anti-Valentine’s day images and photos, send them to me and I’ll post them here (newest submissions will be at the top).

Tags: anti valentine, images, montage, Photos, posters, valentines day
Categories: Popcorn and Cinema, Romance and Relationships
 
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Let’s all get into the spirit of bashing and thrashing the most hated holiday of the year: Valentine’s Day!

For now I’m just putting out feelers to see how much interest this will generate, but if enough people participate, I will hand out two prizes: 1000 EC credits for bloggers who are members of Entrecard, and for nonmembers, a secret gift that will only be revealed the day after Valentine’s.

The rules are simple:

• Create a post linking back to the home page of my blog. Mention the contest to your readers and include a link to this post as well.
• Write about a former relationship gone bad, a story about unrequited love, or just about any experience you can think of that made you want to spit on love and romance and in the face of anyone who still believes in that crap. If you hate this holiday as much as I do, here’s your chance to unleash the venom!
• The contest will run through Valentine’s Day, at which point I’ll choose the post I like the best, and then announce the winner the next day with a link back to the winning post and blog.

Note, at least 20 people must participate in this contest, otherwise the prizes will be voided. If that occurs, you can check my Technorati stats afterwards to confirm that not enough people participated, just in case you don’t take my word for it.

Have fun!

Tags: anti valentine, contest, entrecard, prizes, romance, unrequited love, valentines day
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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