….when I can now enjoy the fresh episodes of Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis?

I got my tub of Blockbuster popcorn, a nice tall glass of Diet Cola, and the easy chair all geared up and ready to go. Ahhh, a Friday night all to myself. Maybe now I’ll be able to forget about how Uptown Girl strung me along for months and then finally blew me off, the no-good lying backstabbing Babylonian harlot may she choke on her own vomit.

But I’m not upset about it.

I kinda knew deep down that things wouldn’t get very far with her. Not so much because we came from two different worlds, but also because she gave off the vibe of being an emotionally cold, self indulgent woman. If she truly had a kind heart, one that showed a genuine care and concern for others, then why was she working for a law firm that catered only to rich clients? Why wasn’t her heart drawn to helping less fortunate people, victims of wrongdoing who never see justice only because they simply couldn’t afford it? Why didn’t she take time to volunteer for charitable work? Where was that trait I was so earnestly looking for, of a woman who was willing to stretch forth her hand to the poor and needy? She just didn’t have it.

It was clear instead that she enjoyed living the good life. Sipping wine, vacationing to exotic places, tanning on beaches, jacuzzis, massages, and so on, the kind of life she could only sustain by working for an affluent law firm. Yet, I don’t begrudge her for doing these things. I think there’s a time and place for recreation and fun, but I also think there’s a point where your life becomes so hedonistic that it can corrupt your soul. And even though she professed to be a Christian, spirituality to her was something that was summed up in attending church once a week, and nothing more. She was not one I could share deep discussions about my faith with. And this was a maddening mentality I’ve seen repeatedly before which I could never understand. How can people truly expect to placate God by only dedicating a few hours on Sunday to Him, and then completely forget about Him for the rest of the week? Can they honestly believe He is pleased by this display of lukewarm spirituality?

Through my emails I opened my heart up to her, and though she claims to have been touched by it, I knew she really wasn’t. There was no empathy, no concern for my well-being, no genuine interest in how I was dealing with the aggravation and problems I was currently experiencing in my life, even though I was certainly interested in what her daily afflictions might have been. But the thing is, she didn’t have any. Suffering for her was not being able to sip wine on her patio because it rained.

She wasn’t a bad person though. But she wasn’t a good person either. I began to realize all this early on, but I guess I held on anyway, hoping against hope that maybe she would surprise me. Maybe she would indeed have a soft and gentle soul, tuned in to the suffering of others, with a fire inside her that yearned to alleviate their burdens and comfort those that needed comforting. Maybe the apparent coldness she seemed to give off was just borne out of an understandable hesitation to open up to me. Maybe for once, my sixth sense was just wrong here.

Or maybe not.

Now it’s back to enjoying Friday nights all by myself again, with only a tub of popcorn and a teddy bear named Homer to keep me company.

Ever since Uptown Girl wrote back to me, I’ve gone through a myriad of emotions. I wanted more than anything to meet her in person and see if we could hit it off right away, but I knew I wasn’t ready just yet. I was also afraid once she saw me in real life she would become extremely disappointed and that would be the end of it. By keeping our correspondence online for the time being, I could at least maintain the facade of being the kind of guy she was actually interested in.

But now that it’s been a week since I last heard from her, I’m wondering all over again whether I’m just being humored here. She did indicate that she would have a busy week at work, but was that just an excuse? Was she already looking elsewhere but just didn’t have the heart to tell me she was no longer interested? Maybe she’s already dating someone else even. Or maybe…. she really was just busy this week.

But I wonder, does she think about me? Does she wonder about the kind of person I am, about my past, whether I would be a good lover and friend to her? Or am I the last thing on her mind? On the flip side, I wonder what she’s looking for. Does she really want someone like me to be not just a part of her life, but an important part? Would I inspire the kind of affection that she would clear a whole weekend just so she could spend time with me? Or would I merely be someone to fill in the gaps of her otherwise busy life?

I also realized her world was totally foreign to me. She grew up with several siblings. I was an only child. She went to a prestigious school and graduated with honors. I went to a no name college and garnered modest grades. She has a healthy circle of friends going back to her school days. I was a loner who had parted ways with his last and best friend over 5 years ago. She lives on her own. I still lived with my parents. She was a fitness addict. I was a couch potato. She loves to go out all the time. I usually spent most of my time on the Internet. She worked for a renowned company in the private sector. I was a civil service employee working in a dump of a department that apparently seems unconcerned that it’s violating several health codes.

The fact is, we were worlds apart. And I am totally scared that once she gets a glimpse of my world, she’d definitely run for the hills. In a way though, a lot of this hasn’t been my doing, but just the circumstances of life, which apparently for some reason has it out for me. All I can hope for is that she’ll be understanding of it all and give me a chance anyway. If she does just that, I could love her forever. I went through life where very few people, and certainly not any beautiful women were willing to give me a chance to prove my worth. I was always written off, abandoned, or discarded like doggie poo. Facing the possibility that a beautiful and accomplished woman would, despite all my flaws, want to be with me is a concept utterly alien to me. And with it I find myself groping in the dark trying to figure out the proper etiquettes of how to move forward from here. How often to email her? Do I only email her when she emails me? Should I call her first or wait for her to call me? Should I avoid going Dutch altogether on dates? Are flowers appropriate for a first date? Is a hug ok, or would a kiss on the cheek do? And what do we talk about? Will the conversation flow, or will things get awkward. Compounding things even more, will I be able to understand her speech since I’m hearing impaired? Or will she have the kind of low voice I’ll barely be able to understand?

These thoughts and more invade my mind at breakneck speed. I’m constantly analyzing myself and every word she’s written to me, trying to make sense of it all. It’s enough to drive even the most mild mannered of people crazy. I definitely need to slow down and take it easy with all this. But when you’re a guy like me who has far too much time on his hands, even the most trivial of things can weight heavily on our minds.

As things stand right now, I guess the next important step is to talk on the phone. For normal people, this would usually be the first thing they do, but because I’m hearing impaired, me and the phones don’t get along too well. I put it off afraid I wouldn’t be able to hear her clearly and hence embarrass myself. But I get the feeling she is more of a phone person than an email one, and this is something I may just have to risk, especially if it helps us connect more and determine whether this is something worth pursuing any further.

I’m reminded of a phrase I’ve heard once before: “Life is nothing without risks.” I think it’s time I need to start getting out of my shell and start taking chances. If I get burned…..AGAIN…. well, so be it.

My life has lately consisted of getting up in the morning, only to see yet another day go by without me experiencing the slightest bit of womanly affection. Eventually it’s gotten to the point where I’ve become so love starved, that even the slightest platonic gesture addressed in my general direction puts me in a state of temporary euphoria. A friendly smile by a pretty girl might be all it would take to turn me into another sad case of pitiful puppy love. I gobble up these random acts of friendliness and kindness like a starving man wolfing down just enough crumbs of bread to stave off death for one more day.

A sweet girl might put her hand on my shoulder just to say hello, next thing you know I’m camping out on her lawn:

As I think about this, I wonder how my tendency to overly react to these random moments of feminine affection would affect my future relationship(s). Would it freak her out, or will she be flattered by it? I mean I just wouldn’t be able to get enough smoochie smoochies, hugs and snuggling together to ever put me at ease. I have a lifetime of romance and love to make up for, and I suspect it would break like a dam the minute the first girl who actually bothers to pay any attention to me comes along.

Sad that I would find my love life (or lack thereof) reduced to such a pathetic state. I only wonder if I’ll ever be able to crawl out of this lonely abyss.