Sounds of Silence

Had a bad dream last night.

I dreamt of having a chance encounter with the very comely Mary Katharine Ham, the conservative journalist and blogger from Townhall.com. We were inside the lobby of a museum, and I somehow managed to engage her in a conversation. Only problem was, I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. My hearing aids completely failed to pick up her speech patterns, so I was left there to helpessly either nod while she talked or give blank stares. She quickly lost interest and blew me off, thinking I was a retard. All I could do was watch while she walked away, knowing I’d never be able to convince her otherwise.

Man was I depressed when I woke up. I think it’s obvious that the new hearing aids I’m trying out has been causing a lot of grief and anxiety for me. I want to hear better so I can engage people in conversation and not be afraid of putting myself out there so I could meet new people and escape this solitary bubble I’ve built for myself. But so far the aids just aren’t living up to expectations. I’m hoping programming adjustments will fix it, but I’ll have to wait till my next appointment before I’ll know for sure.

That dream reflected my worst fears too. People have a tendency to form opinions about me based purely on my disability, and if I can’t communicate with people normally, or have trouble understanding them, it’s automatically presumed that I’m either mentally underdeveloped, or to put it quite bluntly, that I’m just a flipping idiot with the equivalent IQ of a cardboard box. Nothing I say about anything will have any merit. I’m talked down to like I’m 7 years old, and there are times when I’m treated like one too.

Normally I wouldn’t care. But what scares me is the thought that no matter how many single women I meet, they will all look at me the same way because of my hearing loss: like I’m a retard. A handicapped piece of trash unworthy of their attention, much less their love. Whether it’s in dreams or in real life, it’s always been something that weighed heavily on my mind. I fear I’ll never live up to expectations, that I can never be the “perfect guy” they’re looking for, and for that I’ll always continue to be passed over until I’m well into my 70s, living alone in some dinky apartment somewhere with only a few dogs and cats to keep me company.

I can understand why some people settle now. Why they give up all hope and just hitch on to the first person who comes along that pays any kind of attention to them, even if that person ends up being the next Son of Sam. Will that be my future as well?

Crap, I gotta get these hearing aids fixed.

Tags: aids, alone, anxiety, appointment, bad dream, blogger, cardboard box, communication, dating, disability, disabled, dreams, fears, grief, handicap, hearing, hearing aids, hearing loss, iq, journalist, loneliness, love, mary katharine ham, nightmares, nod, single women, social life, tendency, women, worst fears
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log

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7 Responses to “Sounds of Silence”

jjjen wrote a comment on October 1, 2007 @ 07:03:pm
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I think I’m getting really close to needing hearing aids myself. Especially in noisy situations….I just tell people…”your lips are moving but all I can hear is —– “

There are times I’ve just done the blank stare…usually after I say “what?” and they repeat themselves just as quietly! Grrr.

Got any advice on which ones (H.A.’s)to avoid?

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on October 1, 2007 @ 07:23:pm
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Man, that sucks.

But if you end up being diagnosed with a mild to moderate hearing loss there are a LOT of good options to consider. The foremost hearing aid maker is Starkey, who own roughly 25 percent of the market. Then there’s Phonak, Widex, Oticon, Siemens and Unitron, which are all established brands. It’s the ones you see on TV where they say, “Your hearing can improved with this specially designed aid for only 19.95!!” that you have to avoid.

A lot of hearing aid dispensers are bad guys though, they’ll try to sell you the most expensive aid and or run up the bill for everything they can think of like lawyers do. Make sure you find a reputable audiologist.

jjjen wrote a comment on October 2, 2007 @ 01:45:am
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I must have a good one, because even though he said I have hearing loss, he said “You don’t want to get a hearing aid, it will drive you nuts” Not exactly a guy going for the money.

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on October 2, 2007 @ 10:47:am
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I would tend to agree.

People’s normal hearing usually fall within 0-10 decibels from 0 to 8000 hertz and beyond. Speech patterns fall within 20-40 decibels, so if your hearing loss is only 20 decibels, you can probably get away with not wearing hearing aids.

Don’t rely on someone else’s opinion on whether hearing aids will benefit you or not though. They’re not you, and ultimately you will be the best judge of whether the aids can improve the quality of your life or not.

The good news is a reputable dispenser will allow you to try hearing aids for free or at low cost, as part of a trial phase, so you’d have little to lose just to try them out and see if they make a difference.

jjjen wrote a comment on October 3, 2007 @ 12:37:am
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That’s good thinking. I think I’ll look into that.

Gabrielle wrote a comment on June 19, 2009 @ 02:11:am
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I’m sure there are plenty of women out there that wouldn’t mind your disability at all.

I have always (for some odd bizarre reason) thought that I’d marry a blind man LOL. I have no idea why! I just always picture myself with a guy like that.

Maybe because he can’t see me…