You know, it never fails that as soon as I join a dating site, I start getting deluged with “winks” and “nudges” from women (at least I think they’re women) who look like they could be the very reason why we have a worldwide food shortage.

Usually I respond in a polite manner, but now that the the evilness of women have pretty much stamped out whatever remaining charity I used to have, I kinda lost patience for this crap now.

The latest one to send me a wink hails from Michigan, employed under the prestigious title of a cashier, and who writes, “I define myself ultimately as a fun-loving girl who has a big heart.”

Yep, not to mention a Godzilla sized body to go with it.

I was in a good mood though, so I decided to write her a simple, polite note declining interest:

Dear Ugly All Day,

I’m sorry, you must have confused me for a blind man. I took a look at your photo but all I could see was a beached whale. Oh, that was you? Well then, here’s a little advice: if elevators can only go down when you step into one, that might be an indicator that you really shouldn’t upload pictures of yourself that will either induce violent seizures or cause permanent blindness. There are just some things in life we should never look directly at: one being the sun, and two being any photo that has you in it.

I’m thrilled to see though that at the tender age of 24, you’ve managed to work your way up from being a cashier to being… uh… a cashier. No doubt you intend to use the skills you’ve learned from working the cash machine to someday count your future husband’s money. Sadly though, I will not be that guy. For one thing, I would prefer that the experience of embracing the girl of my dreams not be equivalent to trying to hug a wrecking ball, but that’s just me.

So good luck to you, and who knows, maybe someday you’ll find a guy who doesn’t mind being with someone who’s able to set off tornadoes in the Midwest just by sneezing.

Much Love,

Lincoln

I had the cursor on the “Send” button, but just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Still too much of a nice guy I guess, but don’t worry, as women continue to piss me right the hell off with their cold hearted antics, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I become evil incarnate.

With nothing better to do, I decided to hit the local mall to grab up some Auntie Em’s pretzels. Just as I was about to walk inside, I noticed this very pretty girl walking maybe a few feet behind me, so I held the door open for her.

I could see right away that she not only wasn’t going to say thank you, she wasn’t even acknowledging my existence, as if the door were electronic and had opened by itself. Ah well.

So I let go of the door.

The door was heavy and had slammed into her legs before she made it all the way through. Stunned, she took one angry look at me and said, “What the F&%# is wrong with you?!?”

Ah, so I do exist after all!

“This is the 21st century. Open your own damned door.” I then blew her a kiss and casually used another door to walk inside.

I could hear the obscenities continue behind me as I walked in. Man, what a mouth she had on her. Tee-hee.

My pretzel was extra tasty by the way.

It’s over, I’ve lost.

After 23 years of rejection, heartaches, unrequited love, enduring the rude, cold treatment of every women I’ve ever been interested in or in love with, I’m tossing in the towel.

My latest failure took away whatever remaining hope I had. Even though we seemed to have so many specific, rare things in common, I only managed to hold her interest for maybe 5 minutes before she decided I just wasn’t worth her attention anymore, and blew me off without warning.

I guess that’s it then. I’ll never experience what it’s like to hold hands with a girl, to kiss her, to hold her in my arms, to tell her how much I love her and care for her, and have her tell me the same. I will be single and alone for the rest of my life, and I’m sure all my enemies will gain immense satisfaction in knowing I will never be happy.

Ah well, I won’t get mad about this. I’ll just get even.

After all, if ya gotta go, go with a smile!

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!

While I was ferociously at work here at my desk (surfing a few dating sites), I happened to look up and saw the Commissioner walking by with the Chief of Police.

OH SH__

I quickly closed my browser window and started shuffling papers to look busy. The Chief of Police saw me, his eyes wide, probably because I was the last person on earth he wanted to see, especially with the Commish there standing next to him. They greeted my coworker, then the Chief quickly tried to usher the Commish out before I could get a chance to say hello.

Too late.

“Heeeeeey Commissioner, pleased to meet you!” We shook hands. He happened to notice my 8×10 frame of a big question mark that was sitting on my desk, and asked me what it was.

“Oh, that’s the girl of my dreams.”

And we all laughed.

“Hold on, I have a picture of my ex in my wallet.” I took it out and showed them:

And we all laughed.

“By the way, can I have a raise? I really need the money.”

And we all laughed.

Actually I didn’t think it was THAT funny, but oh well. The conversation ended just as quickly as it started, with the Chief letting out a huge sigh of relief as they left our section. Dweeb.

If you’re curious in learning why Chiefie Weenie doesn’t like me very much, there’s a whole back story on that you can read up on in case you have nothing else to do, which you probably don’t.

I’m surrounded by idiots at my job, and they’re really beginning to wear me out.

It’s not that have anything against them, it’s just that they’re… well… idiots.

I can’t even have a conversation about the weather without it somehow flying right over their heads as they give me one of those trademark blank stares that tell me they didn’t know what in the hell I just said.

But God forbid you have to work with them, and if you wanna know why I will swear to you that the following conversation is so close to the truth that just to repeat it here makes me want to cry all over again:

Me: “After you’re done with these papers, just place them in the bin here.”

Blank stare.

Me: “Um… just place them right in the bin here, you know, when you’re done?”

Blank stare.

At this point I have no choice but to make like I’m addressing a 4 year old:

Me: “Wheeeeeeeeen you are fiiiiinished with these paaaaaaaaaaaapers (pointing to papers), place them iiiiiiiiiin the biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin heeeeeeeeere. Dooooooo yoooooooou unnnnnnnderstaaaaand?”

Finally its like a little light goes on somewhere in their head and they nod vigorously with understanding. “OOOOOH, sure, no problem!”

Later when I go to sign out for the day I noticed the papers were never put in the bin.

……………………………………………

And honestly, I’ll just stand there looking at this empty bin for like 5 minutes, trying to understand what exactly it is I’ve done in my life that would make God hate me so much.

Sigh.

So I’m on this dating site right, and I find this girl I have a high percentage match with. I notice she’s online and she just “faved” my profile (meaning she saved it as a favorite). Since you can chat real-time with anyone on the site, I sent her a chat request thanking her for faving me, and that it was good to be loved. She accepted the chat and wrote back, “You’re welcome, and yes it is good to be loved!”

Yay! Finally a nibble!

“So, how was your day–”

She closed her chat window.

What… OK, maybe she made a mistake, so I send her another chat request. No response. I try to send her email but I’m blocked from doing so.

The hell?

You know what, I’m getting mighty motherf*&^ing tired of these motherf*&^ing rude unhinged bitches and their motherf*&^ing bullsh*% mind games.

Great, see what these evil women made me do? Now I have to go repent.

There are like 2 million people on this site and maybe 10 of them match me at higher than 80 percent. You’d think they might appreciate someone who obviously shares the same interests and beliefs they do, especially when such traits are uncommon to begin with, but nope. Obviously camaraderie doesn’t mean bat guano to them. Emails either get ignored altogether, or they’re initially friendly, and then it’s like their inner evil bitchiness comes out and they feel they just HAVE to play these stupid games with me.

That’s not even the half of it either, then you got them laying down what amounts to a World War II minefield of absolutely bat-sh*& crazy criteria that you must, absolutely MUST pass before you even have a prayer of a chance to be a blip on their radar.

Like say, the way you write your subject line in an email. One girl was going off on how she won’t even respond to anyone who writes “Hey” in the subject line, finding it to be too informal and annoying.

You could be a billionaire model who poses for GQ magazine, but if you write “Hey!” then it’s out with you, big boy.

I’m telling you, I can almost hear Rod Serling in the background while I tear out my hair in a fit of near insanity as I try to navigate these fricking minefields, petrified that one stray word or move will end up blowing yet another chance for me to be with someone.

Is it really supposed to be THIS hard?

To cap it off, the “Christian” penpal I was chatting with the other day goes dead ass cold on me. No response to email, chat requests, nothing, even though she’s on the site like a hundred times a day.

You know, I used to think I was being rather picky, with a high set of standards that I felt at times were maybe a bit unreasonable, believing when it came to accepting people’s flaws and blemishes, women certainly held the higher ground here than I did.

Good Lord what kind of crack was I smoking?

I am Disneyland compared to the Fort Knox these women have made themselves out to be, (the difference between them and the real Fort Knox being that the real fort actually has something valuable in it, whereas these women offer nothing of value whatsoever may they all rot in hell evil spawns of satanic demon dogs that they be.)

I’m not bitter though. No really. I have learned to accept my singlehood with a quiet sense of dignity and grace, understanding now that my loneliness will only be truly cured when I finally learn to take advantage of one of the greatest blessings and inventions science could ever bestow upon man: whiskey.

I was running my rounds at the local courts here, when I stopped by one office to pick up the usual crap and happened to look up at the bulletin board. Tacked on was a notice that said:

In the event you receive a bomb threat by telephone, please bang on the desks to draw the attention of your coworkers and hold up this sign:

TELEPHONE BOMB THREAT

Hmmmmmm…

When I got back to my office I quickly fired up MS Word and put together a poster that said the same thing, making sure to use a nice BIG font for the words “TELEPHONE BOMB THREAT.”

Then I used my cell phone to call our section here and quickly picked it up when the phone rang. After pretending to listen for a minute or two, I started banging on the desk like crazy.

Everyone was looking at me, wondering if I had finally gone completely mad. I held up the sign and pointed at it frantically. They all stared at it for a few seconds or so… and then went right back to what they were doing.