No, I am NOT ready for some football

I recently got an email from a reader who said I was the perfect match for her sister, so I sent her sister an email and we shared a few things about ourselves. Here’s what I learn about her:

She loves to fish in Alaska and went to college on a football scholarship. :blink: Even worse, she’s from Tennessee. No offense to the natives of the state of course, I just think you’re all a bunch of donkey hicks (though I’ll make an exception for this gal here, only because she knows me and if I didn’t she’d hunt me down like a dog and saw my legs off.)

Anyhoo, after inquiring a bit further about this football thingie in the vain hope that colleges also extend football scholarships to cheerleaders as well, evidently she got the scholarship as a result of being the equipment manager for her team, and has been entertaining a life long dream of being a contracts agent. She majored in sports admin and now works as a… paralegal.

My final “Oh My God Get The &^%$ Away From Me!” note to her went as follows:

Dear “Meg,”

You’re either a man or a very, very ugly looking woman. If you’re wondering why you might be having trouble finding guys to date, the spitting and scratching your privates (of which you have none) while you hang out with your football buddies might clue you in somewhat. Maybe it’s not your fault though, just the fact that you live in a state with an in-bred population that rivals only Utah in numbers, and as a result it’s often hard to tell the gender apart.

I’m not sure why your sister thought I’d be a good match for you though. Maybe she felt I’d be able to help you discover your feminine side by offering you the love that only a fine, studly man like me could give. Yet despite the fact that I have been known to work miracles every now and then, sad to say, I simply cannot bend the laws of physics to my will in order to transform you from a hairy, lumbering, mountain man-thing to a soft, doe-eyed work of womanly art that I would be proud to roll around in the hay with.

So, best of luck to ya, hope you do fulfill your dreams of being an agent, and who knows, maybe I’ll read about you someday in Sports Illustrated, though it quite obviously won’t be the swimsuit edition.

Much Love,
Lincoln

Tags: college, dating, dear john, email, football, men, scholarship, tennessee, women, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships

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16 Responses to “No, I am NOT ready for some football”

Tish wrote a comment on May 4, 2008 @ 06:07:pm
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Linc, Linc, Linc…

Good thing you made an exception for me, ya know. Otherwise, I’d have to pull out the old hacksaw, sharpen it, and jump in my Ford F350 and haul ass up to NY. And that would piss me off, because well, I’d have to miss a few football games. And since I’m the star player, my teammates would be upset with you too. It wouldn’t be pretty, my dear.

But since you made an exception, I still love ya.

Mrs. Mecomber wrote a comment on May 4, 2008 @ 08:13:pm
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:blink:

What’s wrong with fishing in Alaska, a football scholarship, or Tennessee?

Picky, picky.

Cheryl wrote a comment on May 4, 2008 @ 08:24:pm
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Please tell me you didn’t really send that. You wouldn’t be that cruel would ya?! lol Hey. I’m from Alabama. Nothing wrong with Tennessee. Thanks for the compliment on my little girl. She’s the spitting image of me at her age. What a scary thought…

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on May 4, 2008 @ 08:50:pm
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@Tish: LOL, good to hear, and besides, who could stay mad at me.

@MrsM: Nothing if you’re a GUY. On top of that though, I hate fishing. I hate seafood too. I do enjoy football, but I’m not bugfraky nuts about it. :spinna:

@Cheryl: Naaaaah, I wouldn’t be that cruel. :whistle:

:ggrin:

Tish wrote a comment on May 4, 2008 @ 10:03:pm
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I have never understood the obsession with Tennessee football. I live about 10 minutes from Neyland Stadium, home of the TN Vols. You should see this town on game days! It’s a sea of orange, and a trip to around the block takes a couple of hours! I just stay home to keep from fighting the traffic.

Isaiah wrote a comment on May 5, 2008 @ 08:37:am
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Dude, you’ll never find the perfect wife, because we’ll never be the perfect husband either. You’re just being picky again. Who knows? God might have wanted you to transform her “… from a hairy, lumbering, mountain man-thing to a soft, doe-eyed work of womanly art that I would be proud to roll around in the hay with.”!

And maybe she might be able to teach you to finally play football for real. :dancena:

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on May 5, 2008 @ 12:48:pm
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@Tish: And I thought the Notrew Dame folks in Michigan were a bit nutty about foooooootball. :shaking:

@Isaiah: How about YOU go and transform her, and then if you’re somehow successful, you can just send her to my door.

evilwoobie wrote a comment on May 5, 2008 @ 06:38:pm
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OMG… you really are suicidal. Good thing you didnt publish your photo when your fans asked you to. Sweet jeezez. That letter is funny and weird, and not in that order.

That’s just my way os saying I love the post! teeheee…

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on May 5, 2008 @ 07:10:pm
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I am the House of the blogosphere. :ggrin:

Isaiah wrote a comment on May 5, 2008 @ 09:36:pm
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I’d love to do you that favor, Linc, but I’m already married. Sorry.

Rachel Hanna wrote a comment on May 5, 2008 @ 09:46:pm
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Please tell me you are joking! Are you trying to make it difficult for me to see that sweet caring person underneath your alter ego? I swear if you were a superhero you’d out-angst all of them put together.

So tuck that super sarcasm cape away and send nice Linc back out to play…please???

Casey wrote a comment on May 6, 2008 @ 04:25:pm
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I’m beginning to see why you’re still looking for a girl, and not dating one…

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on May 6, 2008 @ 04:37:pm
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@Rachel: Sorry, only the girl of my dreams will prove to be the kryptonite that will make the big, bad Linc go away forever. Until then he will continue to run amuck. :naughty: