I went to the mall on Thursday in my neverending search for decent gloves, starting off with a walkaround inside Macy’s.
I finally found some cashmere gloves but, um, are cashmere gloves supposed to be THAT shiny? Even then they didn’t look like great quality, in some areas you could see the thread was already beginning to loosen. I guess that’s why they were having a sale for them. I found some Isotoners too, but it’s always the same deal: too small, too big, too plush, too thin or too ugly. Bah.
While I was trying out gloves a cute girl also showed up and started looking around as well. I smiled at her but she ignored me as she continued yakking on the phone. I lingered around and glanced every now and then, waiting for an opportunity to see if I could talk to her. I also happened to notice this old lady pushing a baby carriage nearby giving me the dirtiest of looks too. What was that all about? The answer came when the cute girl finally stopped looking and she and the old lady left together. Oops? Was Mommy watching me the whole time?
In hindsight I should have realized if she was looking for male gloves she probably had a boyfriend, and that’s who she was yakking with on the phone. Sigh.
Off to H&M!
I arrived at the store and immediately realized 90% of the clothes were for women, while the remaining 10% for men were stashed on the basement level in a corner somewhere. Yeah this should be productive, and yep of course they didn’t have any gloves at all. I went back upstairs and looked around for a few minutes more. I was just about to leave when I saw this unbelievably GORGEOUS blonde bombshell sifting through one of the clothing racks.
Oh. My. God.
Oh please, oh please, oh please let her see me or notice meeeeeee…
I walked close by and pretended to check out some girlie clothes like stuff, waiting for her to glance in my direction so I could smile at her. Give me a smile, a frown, something, ANYTHING! She continued to look around, but her eyes went past me like I wasn’t there. I stood next to her, walked around, walked in front, waiting for any kind of opening, but she wasn’t biting. It seems the only way I was going to get her attention was to throw a brick at her head, and unfortunately, I had left mine in the car.
Sigh.
I left the store dejected and depressed, checked out a handful of other stores before finally leaving the mall, gloveless and womanless.
You know, I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m not the kind of person who can approach somebody cold when I’m out in public, so there needs to be some kind of context I can work with that would encourage me to go talk to a girl. Even a friendly smile would do it, but nobody it seems wants to do even that. I just see an ocean of stony faced women all going about their business, and it breaks my heart.
So yeah, I give up. I’m just not going to look anymore. I’ll just go about my business in life, and if I happen to bump into a cutie at the supermarket who doesn’t sneer at me, maybe I’ll start a conversation. But for the most part I’m just gonna keep my head down low and stay away from the crowds as much as I can.
If only I could buy my clothes online without having to try them on, then I wouldn’t have to go out at all.
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sorry you are having such a difficult time. i have two bil’s that have had similar experiences. they have had such a hard time finding women who are decent human beings. i don’t
know where we went wrong and it isn’t btter in the church. a good woman
truly is hard to find. i’m sure if a gal would give you a chance
she’d be thankful she did, but i think sometimes women are burned by
too many guys with cheesey come-ons just trying to get into our pants…
so it’s hard to distinguish sincere ones, earnestly looking for a
lasting relationship from those looking for a challenge and a
one-night-stand. i had a lot of male friends in high school who were
all really smart, (top of our class), and funny, but couldn’t get the
girl. i would always encourage them to hang in there and wait for the
right one, not just give-up and settle. God has someone out there who
will appreciate you for who He created you to be. hang in there. from
the little of your stuff i’ve read i can tell you are really smart, deep,
funny, faithful, kind, honest, interesting, and other great qualities
that are rare to find, so the girl you end up with should be equally as
special. she’s out there.
christina.
Linc. Did you ever consider that the first girl you mentioned was the mother and the woman with the baby carriage was the grandmother? And simply, the most effective,respectful way is smile and say “Hello”. No tired lines, just smile and say “Hello”. They may be just as hesitant as you, for various reasons to make initial contact. Just smile and say “Hello”, you’ll have broken the ice. Women like men who take charge, well I read that somewhere so it must be true.
Oh, ! One idea that might help is your getting a second job and to work around more people… just about every person on this planet has beautiful qualities; and yes, even people with buck teeth and hairy noses have genuine qualities…
Sometimes it seems that your most interested in the wimmin’s that would qualify as a ‘show piece’ rather than someone who wouldn’t cause a stamped if you were out on an actual date with her.
Yeppers, that’s my idea, get a second job and around a bunch of people… stay focused on what your doing rather then getting all … like ‘Squirrel’ or (like a bird dog) ‘Point’ when you see someone aesthetically pleasing… ummm, dude… take a mental picture and move on… circling isn’t attractive and is noticeable … and is odd. It’s just my opinion, but it is doubtful a nonchalant meeting out in public is going to produce a phone number or any kind of meaningful relationship. I can imagine being a regular at a sandwich shop or cafe may be different if you see the same person more than three times at the same place (that’s my rule[except for the slimey guy that seems to have noticed my feet twice])… Introduce yourself, if it’s someone your pretty sure you might see again because you’ve seen them a number of times before but all this boo hoo boo hoo because some COMPLETE strangers look by you isn’t something you should bother your precious heart about. Really, go about your day- be comfortable with yourself… one thing I’ve always been told is don’t look for love… it will find you (kinda like trouble)… it’s not really a win win situation; but reading along here helps me to understand how you wind up with such a funky impression of the ‘wimmin’s'… because you (have to watch the movie ‘UP’) ‘point’ at women who might just be aesthetically pleasing… if they have substance or are able to consider others in the area rather than act coy (with their Mother in the background while they flirt quietly with someone they wouldn’t give the time of day to)… … Your killin’ me with this!
Good game though…. (keep it in mind)… better luck next time
@Christina: The reason girls get burnt by guys with the cheesy come-ons is because they’re the players who go full speed hitting on 100 girls a day with the most retarded and sometimes lewd pickup lines ever, because by the end of the day one out of the 100 girls will say yes. Guys like us just don’t roll that way, so that’s why it seems like the only guys women attract are the bad ones.
I could try the same approach and just flirt endlessly and shamelessly until SOMEBODY bites, but it puts me off for some reason. There’s just something about do that that makes me feel dirty inside, like I’m cheapening the experience of finding true love this way. Ah well.
I mentioned it before, but part of it is location. When I drove out west to a rural area in Pennsylvania, at least two/three girls sent me strong signals, and I was so taken aback by their smiles that I never had a chance to react to it. Next time I’ll be more prepared though. :-D
@Vince: If that were the case, I wouldn’t have said hello. I would have said HELL NO and run as fast as my two feet could carry me. :-D
@Annie: I already have a second job: this blog. I wish there was a regular place I could go hang out at to meet people, but right now my only interest is geocaching. Other than that I’m looking for volunteer organizations that might suit my skillset, but there’s something about volunteering only for the sake of finding me a hot babe that just seems… wrong, somehow.
What’s up? You don’t like kids. What about the blonde at H&M? If you would have said “Hello” she would have looked your way. As far as volunteering and your skillset, your blog is one of your best assets.
She would have looked at me the way an ice queen might look at a dirty peasant. That’s the kind of vibe I get from these women here. Not worth it.
Vibe, okay. You are aware that things aren’t always as they seem, aren’t you.The majority probably do have too much baggage but then occasionaly you meet someone who is just having a bad day. Remember, these are New Yorkers! We invented attitude. As someone once wrote, “The saddest words of mice and men, to only know what might have been”. Or something like that.
Well, I think you’ve figured out that the chances of meeting someone compatible while you are out randomly shopping are not high. The only quality you see is the physical, which is important until you find out what’s behind that. Maybe good, maybe bad. Not a reliable draw.
Most people meet at work or a social/religious venue of common interest. You’ve already established your interests and high standards for faith. Since your work seems to be limited, why not pick a non-pc, effective religious group that helps people in a way you approve?
Or “Homes for our Troops” is a very reliable group building homes for returning, injured military. http://bit.ly/61Tzwq
“Habitat for Humanity” http://bit.ly/61Tzwq requires people to pitch in and build their own home with skilled volunteers. You learn a lot about homebuilding yourself from this work.
And so on. Maybe a group whose focus is fun, maybe a group whose purpose is constructive compassion?
Looks like your NY state geocaching group disbanded because it got so big http://bit.ly/6rvYME and the need was for more regional groups. You’ve probably already checked this out with your wonderful research skills, but membership in this group seems perfect: http://bit.ly/6yDuyc
Put the horse before the cart and follow what matters, not the glam flash that may not share your more substantive values.
Now you’ve got me interested in what’s out there with geocaching in your area. Upstate NY: Blue Line geocachers http://bit.ly/6iRwIO
OMG (and I really mean that) there’s actually a http://www.geocachers4christ.com/ !!
Ok, I’ve gotta get back to my daily chores, but found this geocaching, New Mexico link. I lived in Santa Fe for 8 years and the photos from this link really bring back memories! If you ever get a chance to vacation there, go for it! http://bit.ly/4uTg2G
The RailRunner Express is a new mode of transport from Albuquerque to Santa Fe. Looks great!
hrmmm…
Linc, I have to agree with Vince that if you can’t think of anything to say a simple “Hello” is the way to go. Most people are guarded when out in public and are hesistant to start any conversation with a complete stranger. However, it is up to you to break through that barrier and touch them behind their solitude.
You are your greatest asset when it comes to meeting people. Not your job, not your hobbies, and not the people you know. It all begins with you and ends with you.
With the hot blonde I would have said hello like this:
Don’t look at her but look at a shelf of clothes or something, then say “I have no idea why I’m even in here, doesn’t look like they have any gloves” in a cool humorous kind of voice with a chuckle. Make sure you say it loud enough that there is no mistake that she didn’t hear it but not too loud where you are yelling. Then when you notice that she is looking at you out of the corner of your eye turn your head slowly and smile and say “hello.”
Done, you have officially broken the ice. Now you can take the conversation where ever you want to.
I’ve said this many times before, approaching women is not about games or trickery but about being a good conversationalist. You don’t have to lie about who you are or mislead her in any way really. You just have to learn to put everything you say in the right context.
Women are people too, they aren’t 800lb gorillas that will snap you like a toothpick if you so much as look at them funny. Most single women are looking for a good guy just as you are looking for a good girl.
Yes, the odds of you finding someone compatible is relatively low but that is how it is with EVERYONE, not just you. So that should be no reason to stop trying.
However, if you are set on not approaching people you should learn to be conscious of the vibe you set off while in public. Body language is 80% of communication and the way you carry yourself speaks volumes about you.
Instead of walking around with shoulders hunched and head down try walking around with more “swagger.”
This may sound corny and retarded but have spring in your step, smile a lot and keep your head up. People will eventually pick up on these subtle changes. Not only will it help you to get people to talk to you, if you act happy, you will feel happy.
Again, it comes back to context. People only see what you let them see, so why not let them see someone who they would want to be with?
I know it might be hard at first but you have to honestly believe you are someone worth being with. Just the belief you are worth chasing after will do volumes to help you and your mindset.
Don’t see rejection as a bad thing, rejection is a learning experience, the things we need to improve are the things that let us grow.
So if a girl doesn’t respond to your happy go lucky attitude and charm, learn from it and move on. More often than not it has something to do with her. Not you.
So chin up Linc, stay positive and just get out there. This is what I tell myself everytime I get nervous…”Consequences be damned!” and just go for it.
@Vince: It’s true someone could just be having a bad day, but I’ve always been able to see far beyond that. I just seem to know things about people, something I picked up from my Mom. Like Mr. Monk would say, it’s a blessing, and a curse. You see too MUCH.
@RovingPoet: I’m already a member, checked out some of the sites but they seem to be sporadically maintained or updated. There is one local gathering happening here on Valentine’s Day, where the locals are going to come together and share their love stories. Gag. With any luck I’ll be in Maine when that happens. :-D Other than that there’s another event occurring upstate this May, which I’ll likely be attending.
@Tom: The problem is I’m not a conversationalist, due in no small part to my hearing loss. I miss bits and pieces of conversations when I’m in noisy places, and because of that I’m always embarrassing myself. Over the years that’s made me more introverted and risk averse in talking to other people. If I were in a quiet setting somewhere I could feel more confident about things, but the truth is my hearing loss pretty much destroyed any chance at a normal social life while I grew up.
I just have really, really bad luck. I can’t meet anyone through family or friends because I have none, the people at my job are ancient hag beasts, and the internet dating sites have been completely taken over by teh crzies!!!111eleventy!1
I don’t drink so I avoid the bars, the churches here range from full blown cults to social clubs, and the only recreational hobby I’ve been able to get into now is geocaching, which doesn’t usually attract a lot of girls.
That leaves volunteering like RovingPoet mentioned, but it seems stupid for me to volunteer just to find girls, and for that I would obviously gravitate to only volunteering in those places where I’d be likely to meet young, impressionable, hot babes. Any suggestions? :-D
Seriously, that doesn’t feel right to me, so I would probably volunteer in something that would suit my personality and skills, maybe something with Red Cross, I dunno. It would have to be something I’d feel good enough doing that I would continue with it even if I didn’t meet someone.
That said, my options are pretty much random encounters in public, via geocaching, or via traveling. Ironically enough, the only time I felt I could have gotten somewhere with a few decent girls is when I am very far away from here. It’s one of the reasons I’m planning a major roadtrip to the Midwest, just to get myself someplace where women aren’t stony faced men haters.
Sigh. Is it February yet?
Maybe one of those ancient hag beasts have a daughter or neice or younger sister or a friend with one of the aforementioned.
Been there, done that. One woman had a 23 year old daughter who was already a single Mom and looking for a Daddy who wouldn’t pump and dump her like the last 20 boyfriends she had. Another one is a colossal idiot who managed to pull of the amazing feat of turning her own daughter into a bigger idiot than even she is. The rest is a mixture of who’s already got boyfriends or who’s already married and even has kids too. I’m getting old.
On the upside, I heard a Jersey company came out with a brand new companion fembot who will coo and whisper sweet nothings in my ear when I hold her hand. Only 7 grand if I order now. :-D
That company was first on Howard Sterns show years ago.
I think you’ll make the right choice with as much thought as you put into it; ultimatley you’ve got to feel good about yourself, believe in you, and love yourself before you’d be able to truely love another (or that’s what ‘they’ say anyway). . . your skills make you valuable reguardless and I’d bet you might find that your on the right path with your thought plan. Doing things for others is a feel good moment waiting to happen. And besides working with or helping a large group of people wouldn’t let you run dry of topics to write about (even if you didn’t meet someone)… you already are adept at skipping around identifying specifics. Go with it and thank you (for your time).
I completely understand man. I forgot about your hearing problems to be honest.
My advice is just that, advice, if it doesn’t apply to you then it doesn’t.
Random encounters for the win!!! To be honest, I prefer the random encounters because when it does turn out to be something good…it makes you feel all that more warm and fuzzy inside thinking about how lucky you are :-D
Just enjoy life Linc, it’s too short to get too caught up in any one thing. You’ll meet someone one day, just keep that rediculously awesome mind of yours open ;)
Whew! Tom was a bit wordy, eh? Bout went to sleep reading that book!
First girl: clearly the babymomma and grandmomma was giving you evil eye because she dont want another li’l illegitimate bundle of joy before the first one can walk.
Blonde Bombshell: K, all I’m saying here is that if I saw a man nosing through the women’s department I would either think he’s security suspecting me of shoplifting or a secret crossdresser looking for some new duds.
I didn’t have that problem with Blonde Bombshell. My existence would have to be acknowledged first after all, and I’ve never gotten that far.