Previously I signed up for eHarmony’s 3 month special where you pay “only” $19.95 a month for three months. I’ve been so fed up with this service and the quality of matches they sent me that I figured I could cancel early before the second month started and get refunded for the months I didn’t use.
Silly me, of course I couldn’t do THAT.
I should have known I was going to get screwed, since buried several layers deep into eHarmony’s site was this clause regarding refunds:
…your subscription will terminate at the end of the subscription term for which you have paid, and you will not receive any refund for any unused days of such subscription term. Please note that if you paid for your subscription or renewal using a multi-part payment option, you may only cancel your subscription or renewal after the final payment has been paid.
So I can’t even cancel until late November. I was going let it go and cut my losses, but eHarmony has royally frosted my cupcakes now, so instead, I think I’ll start having a little fun.
It’s obvious I’m not good enough for my eHarmony matches, so rather than be honest and sincere about who I am, it’s time to fake it ’till I make it! Let’s sweeten the pot here and offer up the eWhores everything they could ever want in a man, no matter how outlandish their criteria is.
This is where you, my beloved audience comes in. I am asking each of you (the men included) to reach into their inner whoreness and tell me what exactly it is that will get these matches chomping at the bit for a piece of me.
So far I put in that I was a venture capitalist who likes to spend his free time down at the orphanage to feed the starving children, but then I thought, maybe my match will think me being a VC will mean I won’t have any free time for her, or she may be averse to the idea that I’ve been spending time with poor children (children are ok, she just may not like the poor ones.)
I also put in that I was 6’5″, but now I’m thinking that might be too tall. I’m an average 5’9″, but that doesn’t seem nearly enough for many women, so I’ll need to pad on a few inches there. It’s just a question of how much.
I also previously thought my brown eyes was an asset, but then again brown matches the color of poo poo, and that might subconsciously signify to the woman that I am really a dung hill of a compost heap who is not worth her time. Perhaps I should go with bright blue then, the equivalent color of an endless ocean of wubs. And do I need 6 pack abs here, or will a merely healthy body be enough? Hmmmmm….
You see why I need all y’all input here? I’m just not gonna be able to devise the PERFECT (yet believable) fake profile without your help. What job should I have? How should I look? What do I do in my free time? And does the kind of car I drive really matter that much?
Afterwards, I’ll probably need to scour Flickr for some fake but realistic photos of the new me too.
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Hey Lincoln, how about just telling the truth about your size and interests? But don’t put too much, as some mystery is attractive. Photos of you having fun would be great. But if yo insist on faking it, good luck as most can see right through that caper.
Let the kitten have it, I hate cats and it’ll grow up to be one.
Over the years I’ve probably sifted through almost 1000 matches. Whatever women want, I obviously don’t have it.
As for being able to see right through the lies, I call B.S. on this. I know guys who have enjoyed more success fibbing on their profiles and the women they get eventually forgive them, because by then they’ve already become emotionally invested in the relationship. Like fake bait on a hook.
Women do not reward honesty, and they certainly don’t in the beginning stages of dating.
Linc, I think the 6’5″ might be a bit tall. Go with 6’3″ and keep the brown eyes, think more along the line of chocolate not poo.
As far as you not having what women want, it may be that you are to honest or direct. Most women I know can’t handle or just don’t want truth.
Yeah that or 6’2″ :-D
This honesty crap is such a sham. I used to believe it for many years and then realized by being honest I wasn’t putting up a front and hiding imperfections the way other men did, and that’s why the liars had more success with women.
Here we go :-D
Name: Lincoln Adams
Height: 6’1″ (Not too tall but not short either)
Weight: 185lbs (For a man with a decent lean muscular build this is about the average weight)
Eyes: Hazel (Hazel is like the runs poo color but people seem to like the sound of hazel eyes over brown)
Occupation: Venture Capitalist and internet holdings investor (Investors seem to give off the aura of being rich but having free time at the same time)
Interests: Volunteering at the ophanage and helping to run non profit programs for disadvatanged children.
Likes all manners of sports but doesn’t like to waste time watching sports on TV, would rather play them than watch them (This should make it seem like you are active and not a couch potato). Likes to stay in shape but not obsessed with having the perfect body though you do have abs that you routinely do your laundry on.
You like cats.
Certified in first aid and cpr.
Certified lifeguard.
Oh and this should seal the deal. You love to have intelligent conversations and you are always there when any of your friends or family members need help.
This last part should make people think you will be there for them.
Complete awesomeness. Extra points for the certified lifeguard idea too.
Why not say you own 37% shares of stock in Ghiradelli, Lindt or Hershey?
What, no love for Godiva?
Alright, if you really want to get the ladies intrigued, you have to pull out the thesaurus. Brown eyes become deep mocha; you need to have ‘wispy, wind blown hair’; a firm but yielding physique; a towering yet humble presence.
Here’s a great line to drop into your profile somewhere:
I am often depressed by the fact that I need to shoe shop in the basketball shoe section. I feel so embarrassed.
This will show a sensitive and…”well endowed”…side of you! :-D
Mention that you don’t like to talk about finances, as you find that it often makes others uncomfortable. It will make you rich but not boastful.
Finally, the big gun: “I am so fed up with the normal dating scene. It’s so hard not to feel like a slab of beef hanging in a butcher’s window.” This shows that you are in tune with your feminine side. A surefire winner! ;)
Is this over the top? Probably, but asking for a match with a low IQ, nymphomaniac, trust fund baby doesn’t yield many matches!
Hey why wouldn’t you score on that? You’re just being honest, and women looooooooove honest guys, right? … … …
I do have to disagree with you about women not liking or rewarding honesty. That is a HUGE one with me. Maybe I’m different than most women and I get so frustrated when people lie to me. It has always been and still is my BIGGEST pet peeve.
Anyway…. on to the task here. I notice that women seem to have a “thing” for height but I never have. I never understood why this was a big deal to women. Who gives a crap if you are the same height or even a smidge taller if you are wearing heels. Again, I must be rare or something. Or maybe it’s just because I’m 5’4 so everyone is just automatically taller than me. har. But if going for the height thing I’d say 6’1 to 6’2 is what most of these bimbos would like. I agree on the hazel eyes – it seems to catch bimbos attention though to me I don’t care what color his eyes are – they are all nice. As for the orphan thing… nah. Just say something like how much you LOVE kids and want to have some and how you love spending time with your nieces and nephews – they will drool over that crap. As for a job well anything that is successful but not workaholic will be good. If you really want to embellish just say you own a company or something. You could even try some other hot blue collar worker jobs like Military, Cop, Firefighter – that catches a certain female audience. Talk about anything athletic that you do – you play some sort of sport or ski or something (means you are active, probably in good shape and we like to think of you sweating). Anything you do that is adventurous is a winner (at least with me) like sailing, white water rafting, sky diving, etc. – that also shows you must make a good living to afford those things. Anything cultured like going to plays, reading books, like to cook, etc.
All I can say is that with me, I do like honesty and a genuine real guy. The biggest thing that turns my head is humor. When a guy is witty and makes me laugh that TOTALLY wins me over. I’ve never liked the profiles of men where they are all ooey gooey with romance like “I like to take that special woman for a walk on the beach and stare into her eyes and blah… blah… blah…” It’s like these guys are thinking this is what women want to hear in a profile so they write it. Maybe some women do I guess but not me. Just seems fake.
The sad part about eharmony is it is so controlled. You can’t even write your own profile like other dating sites. It’s all cookie cutter and barely gives you enough to be free to write about yourself. Let us know how this goes!
The reason I say that is because I know guys who fib a lot on their profiles and eventually the truth starts to come out while they date whomever. But rather than dump him for not being honest from the start, she continues to have a relationship with him since by that time she has already become emotionally invested.
I could be truthful and say I’m 5’9″, and just doing that results in a ton of rejections. But if I say I’m 6’3″ or whatever, and we meet in real life and she realizes I was lying my hiney off, she might also decide “Well, I’m already here so I might as well make the best of it,” and then she’ll see that I’m not such a bad guy after all, despite not being a towering presence.
You see what I mean? By being truthful I don’t get the time of day, but by fibbing here and there to get past the ridiculously prejudiced attitudes these shallow, asstarded, piece of garbage, scum sucking, whorish bitchbags have so at least I have a fighting chance. I thought men were shallow? Women are a hundred times worse.
But I’m not bitter about it.
After I thought about this and calmed down some, when I step back to look at the bigger picture here, I realize this is not how I want to meet the girl of my dreams. I don’t want to be one of those ugly people who do the commercials and say they found their wubsy wubs on the crap scam, fake-Christian site that is eHarmony. I don’t want to say the only way I could find someone was that I had to lie about who I was just so I could meet her bullsh*& prerequisites up front, because by her very nature the girl of my dreams wouldn’t judge me like that.
I had this romanticized notion of how I would finally meet someone, but I am so beyond disgusted with women now that I’m just about ready to move on with my life and forget about this stupid thing called love.
Ahhh… but I haven’t let you down have I? :-D
I totally get it though. I really do. Honestly I think it’s the whole online thing. I mean you have seen my posts on the matter of how the men are on there. I would honestly say that out of all the men I have come in contact with (email, IM, Phone and in person) only 3% have been nice and genuine people. That’s a pretty sad statistic. And I’m on more than one dating site.
I would tell you to joing Plenty of Fish because it’s totally free and you have the freedom to write your own profile, pics and communication. But I wonder if it would be any better. You get kind of the same crap on all of them. But surprisingly, I have met a few nice people on there. Some jerks too because yeah, but you don’t have that controlling screening that eHarmony does.
Hmm.. this kind of inspires me to do a blog post on what I look for in a guy now….
I remember when it used to be a novelty at first, and the matches were incredible. Hot babes galore, and they always responded to my messages too. This was back when we had Love @ AOL before it became Match.com. But nowadays, OMG: FREAK SHOW.
PlentyofFish is free but the WORST pool of… I don’t even know what to call them, because they’re not human. More like genetically mutated Stephen King-like blob monsters that escaped from a experimental nuclear facility.
Yeah, I’m done. Maybe I’ll meet someone in a chance encounter in real life, the way I’ve always hoped, but meh. As long as I have my iPod I’ll be alright.
Well if you want you can get on POF and then we can email each other nice notes to each other’s profile. At least it might feel more normal. LOL
Just to help clarify the color of hazel… it’s a green that changes from green to light brown depending on a mood or emotion; take it from someone with that color. It is different from a light brown, which can be very soothing but has little to do with the chemistry when two people have it.
And 5’9 isn’t a bad height; I’m 5’2′ everyone towers over me (even a 5’4” honey).
You seem to stress so much on how to sugar coat yourself into being someone that squeezes into the mold that everywoman is looking for. You can’t be everything to everyone. What is appealing about one person is a complete turnoff to another and vice versa. Be your own dream person, try to be comfortable with your self, and simply hope for the best.
Try being proud of what God gave you and take it from there; cat’s don’t complain about their hair or eyes, they are who they are and could not care less. To lie is not very honorable; Sugar coating the truth is a smidge different but to outright lie is asking for trouble when called on it. Once I entered information to the match.com thing… shortly there after I deleted what I had written; seemed like more effort than it was going to actually be worth.
But if you want to play with the profile and see if you can bait the masses with a sure fire description that will make the honeys swoon? Good luck; a Tom Cruz is different from a Baldwin (and neither are over the top attractive)…Even the Brad Pitt is nothing to get all mushy about. If you want to have fun with that eharmony thing that create the illusion you are one of those theater or movie people that you made fun of when this started. See who or what responds then; either way you’ll still be driving your lazy-boy watching movies.
Why not add a photo of what you like to look at, like the moon or the waves crashing on the shore… pictures do say a thousand words and rather than the gooey gazing into the eyes bit… bond on a level more associated with companionship. Friendship lasts longer than relationships.
I do hope you find that person in person; the whole dating on the internet thing just seems like begging for the perfect storm to occur.