Lately I’ve been thinking about how simple life was back in kindergarten. Yeah I know, I’m going WAY back here, but bear with me. :-D
I started school for the first time shortly after I had been diagnosed with a profound hearing loss, and sentenced to wear clunky hearing aids that might as well have earned me the nickname Satellite Ears (I actually did get called that later on in junior high.)
When I started kindergarten though, nobody seemed to notice. I was just one of the kids, and for some reason, I was genuinely liked by almost everyone. Kids would meet me for the first time and instantly decided they liked me, even to the point of crying if I was apart from them for too long. I never really understood why, but it felt good to be in an environment where people really enjoyed having me around, even if we were all 5 years old.
I remember the playground too, and how this one skinny kid from another class would peel back his eyelids and then chase me around like some kind of monster. Scared the crap out of me too, until one of my newfound friends saw it happening and beat the living snot out of him. Seriously, you have not lived until you see a 5 year old whaling on another 5 year old dweeb just because he had been bothering me too much. It is truly a wondrous sight to behold. :-D
My tight circle of buddies continued to hold together throughout first grade, until the powers that be decided that my hearing disability wasn’t holding me back after all, and I could start the second grade at a normal school rather than the special school I was attending then with all my slimy shady friends.
So just like that, I got dropped into the second grade. Suddenly, my social circle was gone, and once again I was a stranger in a strange land. Only this time, no one befriended me. There were no easy and instant friendships to be had here. For the first time, I was alone.
I only remember having one friendship during that time, and it didn’t last long. I think we met in the third grade and got sort of close, but when fourth grade started, he decided he just didn’t like me anymore. It was a completely new experience for me, and I couldn’t understand how somebody could just decide out of the blue that they no longer wanted to be friends with me. I spent that WHOLE year trying to figure it out, confronting him, asking him, pleading with him for answers, until he teamed up with some tall, fat, ugly foured-eyed geekball and had him pound on me every time I got near my now former friend. The experience was so bad that my 4th grade teacher would give me unsatisfactory scores on my report card over my ability to get along with other kids. Stupid teacher.
And you know, I wasn’t trying to be a brat here. I just wanted to know why he didn’t like me anymore. I NEEDED to know. Why, just, why? Tell me why?! But he wasn’t saying.
Eventually 4th grade was coming to a close, and the fat, ugly ape-boy my ex-friend had latched on to decided he really enjoyed beating me up just for the heck of it too. I had to hide out in the bushes or under a slide somewhere just so I could get the frick away from this lardface. Every school day was a nightmare for me. I couldn”t even stay inside for much needed relief from all the beatdowns because it wasn’t allowed. Nooo, I had to go outside and play because it was “good exercise.” Yep, it certainly was great exercise running for my fricking life from the playground’s resident baboon every day.
Then one weekend I happened to see a movie about this high school student who kept getting whaled on by bullies, so he hired some biiiiiiiig dude to be his bodyguard. Eventually they became friends too.
That made me think about things.
I don’t remember how, but eventually I found and befriended a tall, black kid and asked him if he was willing to be my bodyguard, and if he was, I’d pay him 50 cents. He heartily agreed, cementing what would be my first ever successful business negotiation.
The next time I went on the playground, tubby four eyed freakbag once again began his pursuit after me… until he was clotheslined by my new bodyguard. :-D And just for good measure, Newly Hired Bodyguard began smacking him around until he knocked off his Woody Harrelson glasses and made Lardface cry. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
That finally brought me the relief I needed until 4th grade mercifully ended a few weeks later. I don’t know what happened to my bodyguard, but he must have moved after that summer, because I never saw him again. It’s a shame, because we were just starting to become good friends too.
Fortunately, the playground’s resident ape had also apparently moved, because I don’t remember seeing him at all during 5th grade. My ex-friend was still around, but at that point I had finally given up and decided to just let things be. We were stuck in the same math class that year, but one day he had dropped all his books on the floor, and I promptly helped him pick it up. When I did that I guess he saw that even after all we went through, I still had no malice towards him, and whatever antipathy he had for me then had at that moment finally melted away. We chatted on the playground that same day, but afterwards I just left him alone. He eventually found his own circle of friends to hang out with while I floated around.
I think then that’s when I officially became a loner. It started happening in the second grade, but my horrendous experience in 4th grade really cemented it for me. Somewhere along the way, I was no longer instantly liked. Instead, most people either shunned me or decided right on the spot that I was the most repugnant thing they had ever seen in the history of mankind. And while 5th grade brought a small reprieve from all that animosity, my experience in junior high saw it being raised to new heights. I wasn’t just picked on. I was spit on, beaten, chased after, all before I even had a chance to do anything that could even make the kids loathe me like that. I mean I barely had a chance to say boo before I’d get pounded on like a piece of meat. There were times when I really reacted badly to it all (mostly by taking it out on my parents), but as I look back, I realize I was just a kid who was just trying to make sense of all the hatred.
It wasn’t till I started high school in another town that things finally began to calm down. During that time I met a guy who would be my first ever (and last) best friend, a close friendship that lasted over ten years. Other than that though I was pretty much a loner. I hated social circles and gatherings because I never felt like I belonged, and more importantly, I never felt welcomed either.
As grownups now, we’ve learned to be more polite (sometimes) when it comes to company we don’t like having around. But even then, I could always tell when I wasn’t wanted. There was this sense of awkwardness too because I felt no connection with the people I socialized with, no matter what circle or club or group it happened to be. Whatever magic I once had in kindergarten, it was gone forever now. To this day, I have still not found any place where I can feel like I truly belong. Perhaps that’s my destiny now, and if it is, I’m willing to accept that. The world sucks anyway.
But every now and then, I’ll remember that time in kindergarten, and what it was like to be the guy that everyone truly loved and enjoyed being with. And when I do, I can feel the loss. The loss of being connected. Of being a part of something special.
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Oh Linc, you make me want to laugh while I’m crying. Your title grabbed me and I absolutely had to read your post!
You write so well, I can feel your pain while I’m right alongside you, hiding under the slide.
I truly hope you find your special someone so you feel like a rockstar again :)
Thanks Heather, I’m glad you can get my unusual mix of humor and melancholy themes.
You really ARE a TERRIFIC writer, Linc. Whatever you do in life – you must always write!
Like Heather said, you made us feel like we were right there with you! Keep the writing coming, Linc
You really are a Rock Star!
Wow!
From the title to the end, you had me. And I agree with Heather, you have a wonderful mix of humor midst a difficult subject.
This would make a great chapter of a book, maybe changing the ending just a bit, so you can go onto the next chapter. One thing I’m really wanting to know is what happened to your friendship of ten years.
Ten years! i would call that a successful relationship. Even though you don’t have it now, there was something successful about it to last that long. I think it would be something good for you to explore and I would love to read it.
Like you, I’ve always envied people who had long term relationships. Also, like you, mine tend to not last (except thankfully The Cat Man!). And like you, I tend to blame myself.
Soooo, I love it when you explore these things in such a wonderful writerly way. You are very gifted. Keep it up! And…there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother…someday his friendship will be more real than all of our other relationships put together.
sandy
Thanks MM, I’m so glad to see people enjoy my writing, even when I think it sucks or could be better. :)
Sandy, thanks as well, and I think the reason our friendship ended could be due to that time honored cliche: A woman came between us.
You are a wonderful writer, Linc. You do belong somewhere, God created you for a purpose and you will find it someday. But in the meantime, show me what a rockstar you are.
God created lincoln to inspire us all. Amen.
Hey, linc, take care of yourself ok? There’s a playground somewhere full of linc fans waiting for you to bring your beautiful GF whoever she is.
ruby
Thank you kindly. :-D
Working with kids, it’s saddening to see this type of thing in it’s infancy. And you’re right, it’s not just children. As adults the same things happen, we just learn to keep up appearances.
@Ronnica: It was a hard childhood, but I learned some lessons throughout. :-)
While reading this I couldn’t help wonder what a psychiatrist would think of it, and whether he could help you to understand. If you feel lonely, and it bothers you, maybe a few sessions migh help you out.That you are a great writer is evident.
I couldn’t help think back to my own childhood as I read your post, and I found my experience to be the opposite. There were some who liked me and some who didn’t , which both were fine with me,(that still happens), but the difference is that I could have given less of a crap. And strangely some of the people that did like me, I did not like. And some of those that did not like me, I liked anyway. I have always been extremely objective, and maybe that is why I have the attitude I do have. My mother used to say “Life is not a popularity contest, or at least it shouldn’t be.” That must have been one of the few things I believed that she said, lol.
I used to watch my sister, and wonder why she would suck up to a bunch of snotty kids just to belong, when I wouldn’t give them the time of day.
@ConsrvYank: I don’t think it was the rejection that bothered me so much, but that I didn’t know why. There had to be a reason, and I just wanted to know what it was for peace of mind. It’s like with women too, some of them will hate me to death, but I’ll never know why, because if I at least knew, then I could do something about it, maybe change my habits or approach or find a way to improve myself.
Hi ;-)
I have read and understand all your thoughts unbelievably good, I think so. Your words are very emotional. There are only a few people who may be so as you. I have read your thoughts for a long time. A bit lacking to me the words and there are a few tears in my eyes, true.
I’ve also learned a lot of things with people. There are things I do not understand. Very often I ask the “why” and get no answers.
Excuse me please, I have no words and feel a bit sad, because there are many wounds.
But everything we experience also makes us strong.Take care of you!
May I ask you: Would you be my friend?
Cinderella
@Cinderella: Yes of course I can be your friend. :-D Thanks for your thoughts!
Great article, your title just sucked me right in. You reminded me of the joy it was to be a kid in kindergarten without any worries. Truly feeling like a rock star. Bah, junior high and high school, I’m glad those days are over.
Hoping you run into a special someone soon.
Cindy
This posting makes me think of a quote from a Jodi Picoult book that I read this summer that really stuck. Something along the lines of “Loners don’t choose to be that way, no one ever really enjoys solitude, but it’s that they have been let down by others too many times before.” Everyone deserves a second chance, but it’s important to rely mostly on yourself. It’s only awkward if you make it awkward, right?
Thanks Cindy! :-D
True, I don’t think anybody chooses to be a loner so early on in life. I think as I grew up though and saw how people were and acted, I distanced myself away from all that.
Ha!
That’s exactly what The Cat Man said. Said the relationship ended because of a woman. Has happened to The Cat Man several times. Most women can’t take their husbands being friends with mine because he has adventures and always comes home late and they worry. So, now, I do a lot of those adventures with him, but can’t do them all. This summer he’ll be in Alaska for a month in a place I cannot go. Boo hoo!
So, instead of sitting home worrying, I’m planning some adventures of my home. Then when we get back together, it’ll be soooo fun sharing them!
I soooooooo want you to have that kind of relationship. Goodness! You certainly have a lot of people following you on Twitter. Three of my friends married one another after meeting on the internet. All of them Christians and all of them very happy!
There’s hope!!!!! (I did those exclamations to my own music…can you hear it? Tah dah!
Oh….have you read about Ted Dekker? He has a lot of the same feelings. I interviewed him twice over a two-year period. He’s a cool guy. Outside the bubble. That’s exactly how I’ve always been…outside the bubble…BUT…never outside of Creator. mmmmmmmmm
Adventures of my own……
adventures of my home? hmmmmmmm that might be kinda interesting….have tent will travel.
Oops! Was that LOLspeak? (I have no idea what that is) Or perhaps moronic? Goodness! I may be in trouble here. Just being myself….can you handle it?
While there is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself, make sure you do it for you though, and not other people. Think about this: If you were to try and improve yourself to get others to like you, you might succeed. But then there will be others who liked you, but don’t like the change, and will now dislike you. Do you see where I am going with this?
I want to believe there’s someone out there, but I really don’t think there is. I met a lot of people on Twitter, and who’s too mannish looking, or too weird, or too rich, or too pretty, or so unlike me that they could never understand my life or who I am. There’s no soulmate.
Ah well, at least I’ll always have pizza.
@ConsrvYank1: Yeah, i know I think in terms of maybe I was being too overbearing or I came on too strongly, or maybe I didn’t show enough interest, or maybe I did something in ignorance that they found offensive, and so on.
I think I think too much.
great way with words. i burst out laughing, and then wanted to cry.
as for myself, i was more social as a kid, but also had a small mean streak. now my mean streak has mellowed out, and i’m more of a loner than anything. go figure. :)
It’s weird how much we change over the course of growing up, though I think in spite of that our core personality always remains intact. :)
Haha, you’re not the only one with satellite ears there, bro. I was diagnosed with the same thing when I was about 5, and had a hell of a time getting through school (and still do…). I do have a few good friends, so I’m grateful for that. Either way, I go through the same things you have, so you’re not alone.
Anyway, best of luck to you and good luck in life.
Corey, thanks for your comment. It’s good to know my experience isn’t a completely unique one. Hope you finish school quickly and can move on with your life. :-)
WOW,the title drew me in and the emotions kept me reading. How true for some many folks, but few care to go back there and feel the raw emotions. We all want to feel good or connected and have a tribe; but it is not always the case. And we all have a defense mechanism, yours was to become a loner to protect yourself from being hurt – physically and emotionally. In today’s world, connections are truly harder to make with our electronic world, it seems folks never truly make a true heart to heart connection, where they sit and talk for hours, enjoy the quiet without some type of electronic device. I feel blessed to have a couple of friends that I can call and we can talk for hours on the phone or go out for a movie and drinks; and to have found my soulmate the ultimate blessing! I think that society is just too busy, too structured … we all need to take a break and take a day to go and do nothing at all but have fun! Go to a park and just sit, enjoying the sunshine …. read a book, people watch. But always remember to smile and say hi, it will brighten that person’s day. And who knows, you might meet that someone that makes your heart sing!
Judy,
It does seem like society is too structured, but while I try to make time for others, no one ever makes time for me. :(
It’s ok though, I’m content enough to accept my destiny as a loner and will to my dying day and last breath spit on the vile and utter garbage that is the human race.
Just like you mafia families to hire some thug to do your dirty work for you.
Jealous?
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