Evil Things to Do For Valentine’s Day

This post is part of the series titled, "Death to Valentine's Day." The table of contents for this series is listed below in chronological order:

Here’s my working list of the things I might like to do for Valentine’s Day:

Toss molotov cocktails into Hallmark stores.
With a pair of scissors, walk into florist shops and snip off the top of all the flowers.
Look for starry eyed couples playing suck face in public, approach them and ask the girl, “Thanks for giving me a deal on the trick the other night. Can we do it again on Tuesday, same time, same place?”
Randomly call husbands at home and ask them if their wives will be free again tonight. Refer to the wife as your “honey bunny pie” to enrage him even more.
Rent out a copy of every Valentine’s Day related slasher flick ever produced, beginning with My Bloody Valentine.
Drop kick anyone in the face who mentions how wonderful and dreamy their girlfriends are. Kick them again when they’re moaning on the floor from the pain. Kick them yet again.
Send emails to everyone on my contact list with the message, “I’m really sorry to tell you this, but I just saw your boyfriend/girlfriend making out with this girl/guy at the mall today.”
Go to the park to look for couples cuddling after a picnic. Tell the nearest park police officer, “Excuse me officer, but I saw this couple smoking pot and sharing it with some 8 year old kids. Can you go check it out?”
Find out who’s planning a romantic dinner at home and when. Just as their dinner is about to start, call 911 and in a frantic voice inform them you heard gunshots coming from their house.

I think all that should be enough to keep me busy on Valentine’s.

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Tags: anti valentine, bloody valentine, evil, list, things to do, valentines day
Categories: Romance and Relationships

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8 Responses to “Evil Things to Do For Valentine’s Day”

Rachel Hanna wrote a comment on February 13, 2008 @ 01:59:am
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Ok, all this valentine’s stuff started out as amusing, but now I’m getting concerned. Maybe it’s time to get past it??? :giveup: Make peace with it my friend! I’ve always seen you as a good guy, but it’s getting a little scary! :leave: Is that interesting and funny guy still around or has he wandered off and let dark, evil-twin lincoln alone with his blog page? Come back fun Linc!!! I for one miss you. :scratch:

Sicarii wrote a comment on February 13, 2008 @ 09:29:am
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This post made me happy and thankful for three small things:

1. I don’t live near you.
2. I don’t live in the United States of America.
3. I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day.

I say, take Rachel’s advice, mate.

Shalom!

Gerri wrote a comment on February 13, 2008 @ 01:38:pm
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Now that there is just mean and crazy but funny. There is a florist here in Wellington how has said she will not be selling any red roses today (valentines) and will not be getting into the valentines thing at all.

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on February 13, 2008 @ 02:01:pm
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@Rachel: Fun Linc is a weenie. I’m taking charge and burying that little twerp in the ground. :guns:

@Sicarii: Awww, you just ain’t no fun are you.

@Gerri: Good grief even the florists are getting into the anti-valentine spirit. That’s hilarious! :rofl:

Rachel Hanna wrote a comment on February 15, 2008 @ 02:20:am
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NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :cry4: Don’t do it! Fight, fun Linc, fight with whatever weenie strength you possess! :bat: All evil genius’s have their weak spot, just look at doctor Evil! Does evil Linc have a mini-me by any chance? Just wondering. :think:

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on February 15, 2008 @ 11:21:am
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I think fun Linc made me sick so I wouldn’t go out and do anything naughty. :sick: Darn him, he’s ruined everything!!!

Perplexio wrote a comment on February 18, 2008 @ 01:12:pm
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Perhaps even more abhorrent than Valentine’s Day which at least has SOME origin in Christian tradition (even if the far more commercialized celebration we have today is a far cry from those origins) is “Sweetest Day” which was/is a Hallmark construct for those couples in fall relationships that end too quickly for them to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

I believe it’s a “Midwestern thing” as I grew up on the East Coast and never heard of it until I went to college in Michigan.

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on February 18, 2008 @ 02:47:pm
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@Perplexio: Good Lord let’s hope that one doesn’t catch on. :wideeyed: The last thing I need is to be hating on yet another mushy wushy craphole holiday.