Depression: The Enemy Within

I only have one thing going for me right now: a steady plan to get myself completely out of debt by July 4th, 2009. After that I’ll have a lot of wiggle room to move around and start searching for another job so I can move out of New York once and for all.

That is, if I can muster up the energy to do so, because right now it’s all I can do to even stay awake these days. As much as I try to hope and believe a better future awaits me, I plunge so deeply in despair that I sometimes ask God to end my life. I’m already past my prime and getting older, and with that there’s no prospect of finding a better career after having been in a dead end job for so many years. Little to no chance of finding the girl of my dreams either, and healthwise I continue to get worse and worse. I wonder if I don’t already have a cancer somewhere in my inwards that will soon put me out of my misery anyway. Maybe that’s why I won’t see a doctor, so I can give it a chance to finish the job. And of course with the coming economic holocaust and a government about to veer to the left of Stalin, it’s hard to find reasons to even stay alive anymore.

I can’t even blog because there is just nothing going on in my life right now, and the news just depresses me even more. I guess I’m just in a really bad way right now, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of it. Sigh.

Tags: career, debt, depression, despair, dream, dreams, future, God, job, life, misery
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log

( Print This Post | | 132 views )

(No Ratings Yet)

Loading ...

12 Responses to “Depression: The Enemy Within”

Casey wrote a comment on November 19, 2008 @ 05:32:pm
Quote

You know what makes me feel better? Pizza and nestle crunch bars…maybe some Rittersport Marzipan.
If things are that bad…why not go ahead and start job hunting…maybe take some personal days and drive down here to south while it’s not too hot…we’ll take you out to eat.

Isaiah wrote a comment on November 19, 2008 @ 11:37:pm
Quote

Bro,

There’ll be bad days, and you’re not alone. The other thing is that when people think they are in bad straits, there are always those in worse conditions. You’re not doing as badly as you might think.

Sure, you are still single, but you have a job, a place to stay, and a steady stream of income that will see you totally out of debt by July next year. To many folks, it’s actually extremely good news!

Chin up, bro.

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

– Romans 12:12 ESV

Kelly wrote a comment on November 19, 2008 @ 11:49:pm
Quote

I want to share with you something I wrote a couple of months back during one of my bouts with depression. Just read it–not necessarily to get anything from it; to learn something you don’t already know–but just to know that when we get cut we all feel the same pain. These aren’t original emotions you’re feeling. We feel depressed, but depression is something that’s been felt before by many, and most of us are still here. Anyway, I’ll quit rambling. Read and enjoy (if possible).

How to stay Alive (written 7/20/08)

There is no constant inspiration. No persisting reason. No indelible purpose. There are no fine lines, no universal constants. Truth doesn’t come in square boxes covered in wrapping paper; to be obtained, opened, and set decoratively over the mantelpiece. Whatever truth there is, it’s subtle, conniving, and so inherently complex that for a time you feel as though you have a grasp on something real, and the next day, its antithesis is just as real. Today you feel as though your will and perseverance can finally stand strong against the world’s pressures, and tomorrow the smallest part of that pressure can crush you. You can’t live off of spoon fed quotations. How to live can’t be found in self help books. There is no checklist. There is no rulebook.

But there is a purpose. Even when there’s no strength in you, you fight just a little. The color drips off something that was magnificently bright, like dew from blades of grass on a foggy morning, and what’s left is an old black and white B rated movie, but you go ahead and keep watching anyway. You haven’t off’d yourself. Most people don’t. It could just be that it’s not worth the effort of making yourself die – but you don’t believe that, do you? There’s more to it. You can’t, can you? God knows you’ve thought about it. Just let me die, you say, like there’s nothing left to live for.

But that’s all ********.

The truth is, even when there is no color, it’s too damn good to turn off. You can’t stop watching, even during the boring parts, the sad parts, the parts where it seems like it’ll never end . . . like it’s pitch black, but you can still see a little bit of something. Then you stop and think, it’s not really pitch black at all. That it’s just your mind playing tricks on you. It’s not too dark, but it’s easier to bask in it if it’s lavished up with strong adjectives.

And what it comes down to is this: even when there doesn’t seem to be anything worth while, there is. If there wasn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this.

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on November 20, 2008 @ 02:46:am
Quote

Thanks for the sentiments all. Maybe I’ll feel better after having a couple of chocolate cupcakes. :drool:

mike miller wrote a comment on November 20, 2008 @ 06:24:am
Quote

Hey, I just pub’d a post eerily like this… I totally get the just sleep thing, 7:30 last night just so I wouldn’t be awake anymore. Of course nightmares made that plan backfire… Anyway, thanks for writing about it, you remind me I’m not alone. Maybe today will suck less thanks to your post?

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on November 20, 2008 @ 12:14:pm
Quote

Maybe today will suck less thanks to your post?

I hope so, glad to know I could make someone’s day a little brighter even when I’m down in the pits. :up:

beej wrote a comment on November 20, 2008 @ 01:44:pm
Quote

Hey dude, get over yourself. Stop this pity party right now, dammit!

Life is too short to be wallowing around in all this “woe is me” sludge.

I know that government as we know it in the future will be very different, but even though we will have to put up with Change We Can’t Believe in for awhile, it only means better things in the future. And by that, I mean, “PALIN 2012!”

As for the personal struggles you are facing, yes, take care of your debt, but don’t feel like it’s a prison sentence. Pay off a little every month, but don’t deny yourself a treat now and then. And you won’t find a nice girl sitting here online blogging. You’ve got to get out there, stand up tall, put a smile on your face, and be yourself! This depressing stuff is not attractive to women and you’re only turning off any possible propects. Turn your cocky self back up (maybe not up too high, like 8-10…try 4!)