Dear Public Safety Parking Nazi Scum Sucker

Written by Lincoln Adams on February 3, 2010 | 0 Comments
Filed Under: Personal Reflections

I must be on some kind of hit list with Public Safety here. My first hint was when I sometimes parked somewhere deep in the back when nothing else was available on the side streets, thinking everything was gravy. What I didn’t know was that the spots there were reserved, but the numbers had since been eroded with time. Didn’t matter. Public Safety right then and there decided I was their number #1 enemy and had to die.

So what do they do? They actually run my plate and called my workplace. Next thing you know I’m taking a call from some obnoxious Public Safety drone who proceeds to lecture me about parking etiquette and why don’t I just grow up already?

So I stopped parking in the back since then and found other alternatives that some might find… unorthodox, but which suits me just fine. Like say, parking on the curb, parking on the grass, parking on what technically should be considered a sidewalk, or when I’m desperate, parking next to a fire hydrant.

Now before you start berating me for being a knob here, consider that I’m one of the last people to show up at my job… no… scratch that, I AM the last person to show up due to my crazy hours, and as such, everyone’s already got their space spoken for except me. There is NO parking here. NONE. Dramatic measures are needed if I want to avoid walking 10 blocks just to get to the door. You understand.

I’ve parked by the fire hydrant a few times before without any trouble, always close enough that if I happen to see a building burning nearby when I’m looking out the window it’s only 30 seconds from here to there to run out and move the car, even if I did get some evil stares from the firemen along the way.

But then once again, Public Safety had to ruin everything. Whoever this Nazi spankypants is, he stops by my car, but haha, he can’t write any tickets on account of him being a virginal numbnut with no vested authority in ticketing people. So what does he do?

HE CALLS THE FIRE MARSHAL, WHO COMES ON DOWN SO HE COULD WRITE THE TICKET FOR HIM.

Who goes through that much trouble to get a ticket written over a fire hydrant when it’s @#$%^ POURING rain out? And on top of that Mr. Smokey the Bear checks off the maximum fine too, when I could have just as easily been slapped with the usual $30 fine instead. Public Safety Nazi Virgin Boy wanted to send me a message, I’m sure.

And what happens the next day? There’s another car parked by the fire hydrant.

And you know bloody well I watched that car ALL day to see if they would ticket it too, watched the virginal Nazi spankypants drive past it several times, and still the dweeb didn’t get ticketed. Why, cuz he drives a Prius? @#$% racists.

I know where this guy keeps his Public Safety vehicle too, and I am THISCLOSE to finding it under the cover of night so I can let the air out of the tires. Let’s see how big and mighty you can be without a set of wheels, punk.

Sigh, I need a new job.