Dear Lying Scumbag Bastards at eHarmony

So you’re offering free communication with matches this weekend? Really? Then why is it when I want to “Fast Track” it and email a match directly so I can bypass the 5 million questionnaires you normally force us to send each other, that I’m instead redirected to a payment page where you literally scream in big honking words fabulous payment plans that start at $60 a month?

Oh I see, you didn’t actually mean I could talk to a match, just that I’ve been granted the luxurious privilege of trudging through 8 separate steps of trading questions and quizzes, at which point if I somehow actually make it to the final step before the weekend’s up, I’m once again taken to the payment page.

Yeah that’s some real communication you offer there, you tub of money grubbing ass bunnies.

Never mind that you have the fudging balls to plaster big honking BANNER advertising all over my account pages, which I’m sure must nicely pad your already bloated revenue stream, and yet somehow you just can’t find it in your budget to offer even one day of actual communication that doesn’t amount to a pile of fossilized monkey droppings? Really, not even just one day out of the entire flipping year?

But no, you want me to start ponying up some serious cash just so I can truly benefit from your groundbreaking matching algorithms (which I’m sure involves nothing more than a giant globe of lottery balls spitting out the names of matches at random.)

And yet even with my wallet drained and the system dropping 50 matches into my account (49 of who promptly close their match with me), this is what I’m left with:

29 dimensions of compatibility my ass.

Tags: advertising, compatibility, eharmony, online dating, online dating sites, rant
Categories: Romance and Relationships

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11 Responses to “Dear Lying Scumbag Bastards at eHarmony”

Jeremy Steele wrote a comment on November 22, 2008 @ 01:55:pm
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Huh… now that is weird.

Sorry, that’s all I’ve got.

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on November 22, 2008 @ 02:20:pm
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@Jeremy Steele: It defies words, doesn’t it.

J wrote a comment on November 23, 2008 @ 12:37:am
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Know that you are not alone in your searching. I am sure some fatcat CEO is jetting off to Cabo as we speak on the money made this weekend. I hope he gets rained on. By an angry volcano. I am sooo sorry you spent your hard earned $$ on this pile of feces. If you want to feel better, just look at the personal ads on craigslist.

Isaiah wrote a comment on November 23, 2008 @ 06:53:am
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Sorry to hear that, bro, but it will kill me if I didn’t ask: which was the match — the girl or the parrot?

Kelly wrote a comment on November 23, 2008 @ 09:08:am
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I’ve tried many dating sites in the past. There was probably about a two year time span where I went on bad date after bad date from Yahoo! Personals and Match.com. I was essentially a cautionary tale for young women because I attempted to communicate with virtually anyone that showed an interest (that is unless they spelled my name wrong or clearly didn’t seem to demonstrate a command of the English language).

Before I ended up meeting Weeum I signed up for eHarmony and I hated it for several reasons. First, I found that the people offered as matches for me were typically in other states, and sometimes in other parts of the country. And let’s be realistic – I don’t want to date someone 2500 miles away. That is unless we were already dating and situations caused that person to be apart from me for a bit. But I don’t think I should have to move 2500 miles to find love. Second, when I did find someone who was closer to me you had to go through various stages of communication before you could talk to them. It was horrible. After the third step in an attempted communication with someone I just gave up – it wasn’t worth it to me. And yet somehow people swear it works. I mean, there are commercials with people who are blissfully happy.

I say save your money and try Match.com. Now granted, I was on it two years before finding Weeum, but I think if you stick it out long enough it does work. And in addition I’m not sure the eHarmony compatibility thing is really all that guaranteed. So you answered questions similarly. I don’t know that I’d believe that will guarantee your chances of finding your potential soulmate.

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on November 23, 2008 @ 06:25:pm
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@J: Fortunately I didn’t pay anything, though I have in the past. I guess now I’m just waiting to see if they’ll give me a real reason to sign back on again. Puleeeeeeez, like that would ever happen.

@Isaiah: I’m not sure myself, which really scares me. :wideeyed:

@Kelly: I actually have a profile on there so I can do searches every now and then just to see what’s out there. It is a thoroughly depressing experience though. I missed it when it used to be Love @ AOL instead, because at least then I used to get really interesting (and pretty) matches, but suddenly it became a medium for attracting the most liberal, unstable and abominable acts of creation that has ever walked the earth. :sick: