Craigslist is so NOT a cool place to find women

Yep, I got another rejection letter lined up, this time in response to a Craigslist ad that I could swear I never posted, and yet somehow it got posted anyway. Don’t worry though, this is my last one because I am so, so, SO done with this whole dating-relationship crap. I am finally going full on Lone Ranger here, and bite me all of you who think I can’t be happy being single.

So anyways, why am I rejecting this one? Because dude, she totally looked like a guy. Seriously. She’s British though, so that might explain a few things, but still, dude, she really totally looked like a guy. Here’s my farewell email to her:

Dear Look-Like-A-Man,

I wanted to like you. I really did. But see, here’s the thing: you look like a man. A man wearing a pretty blonde wig, but a man nonetheless.

I can deal with plain looking women. I can deal with women who are overweight. I can deal with women who have disabilities and missing body parts (unless it’s the head maybe.) I can even deal with women who watch reality shows. I cannot however, in this life or the next, deal with a woman who looks like a man.

Even slightly mannish features creep me out in ways not even Richard Simmons could do. There’s just no way I could see myself embracing you intimately or puckering up to give you a kissy without my inwards screaming out, “MAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!”

So you see, it’s not you, it’s me. I do hope though that you will someday meet that special guy who thinks a mustache on a woman is sexy, and that the two of you will be very happy together. I however, must sadly follow another path.

So, best of luck to you, and here’s a little parting advice: do try to shave every now and then, ok?

Much love,

Lincoln

No of course I didn’t send it, but I was in a conundrum. I didn’t want to blow her off, but I didn’t want to tell her straight up that I was only interested in women who looked like women either, so what’s a stud like me to do?

Then a thought came to me: make her think she’s rejecting ME instead. Brilliant!

So I did some surfing to find the dweebiest, weeniest photo that still looked authentic enough for me to use as a picture of “myself,” then wrote her a friendly email in which I casually mentioned being heavily in debt and living with my parents, but she needn’t worry, I worked a prestigious job as a low-level clerk, so it should only be just a few more years before I can finally move out on my own. Say, when I’m 36 or so…

Here’s the photo I used. Poor guy, whoever he is I hope he never sees this post:

It’s been a few days now and I have yet to receive a response from her. Dude, I awesomely rock.

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