Craigslist is so NOT a cool place to find women

Yep, I got another rejection letter lined up, this time in response to a Craigslist ad that I could swear I never posted, and yet somehow it got posted anyway. Don’t worry though, this is my last one because I am so, so, SO done with this whole dating-relationship crap. I am finally going full on Lone Ranger here, and bite me all of you who think I can’t be happy being single.

So anyways, why am I rejecting this one? Because dude, she totally looked like a guy. Seriously. She’s British though, so that might explain a few things, but still, dude, she really totally looked like a guy. Here’s my farewell email to her:

Dear Look-Like-A-Man,

I wanted to like you. I really did. But see, here’s the thing: you look like a man. A man wearing a pretty blonde wig, but a man nonetheless.

I can deal with plain looking women. I can deal with women who are overweight. I can deal with women who have disabilities and missing body parts (unless it’s the head maybe.) I can even deal with women who watch reality shows. I cannot however, in this life or the next, deal with a woman who looks like a man.

Even slightly mannish features creep me out in ways not even Richard Simmons could do. There’s just no way I could see myself embracing you intimately or puckering up to give you a kissy without my inwards screaming out, “MAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!”

So you see, it’s not you, it’s me. I do hope though that you will someday meet that special guy who thinks a mustache on a woman is sexy, and that the two of you will be very happy together. I however, must sadly follow another path.

So, best of luck to you, and here’s a little parting advice: do try to shave every now and then, ok?

Much love,

Lincoln

No of course I didn’t send it, but I was in a conundrum. I didn’t want to blow her off, but I didn’t want to tell her straight up that I was only interested in women who looked like women either, so what’s a stud like me to do?

Then a thought came to me: make her think she’s rejecting ME instead. Brilliant!

So I did some surfing to find the dweebiest, weeniest photo that still looked authentic enough for me to use as a picture of “myself,” then wrote her a friendly email in which I casually mentioned being heavily in debt and living with my parents, but she needn’t worry, I worked a prestigious job as a low-level clerk, so it should only be just a few more years before I can finally move out on my own. Say, when I’m 36 or so…

Here’s the photo I used. Poor guy, whoever he is I hope he never sees this post:

It’s been a few days now and I have yet to receive a response from her. Dude, I awesomely rock.


25 Responses to Craigslist is so NOT a cool place to find women
  1. Conservative Belle
    August 6, 2008 | 9:25 pm

    This was the funniest blog post – EVAH! I was in tears from laughing.

    I haven’t ever tried any of those online dating services or Craig’s List. They scare me. If you can imagine what the choices are in Mississippi, well… you get the picture.

  2. Lincoln Adams
    August 6, 2008 | 10:40 pm

    I can’t imagine it being any worse than the choices in these dark blue northeastern states.

  3. Conservative Belle
    August 6, 2008 | 10:49 pm

    Well, just imagine looking at a bunch of people who look like your cousins. And maybe they actually are… hee-hee

  4. Lincoln Adams
    August 6, 2008 | 10:53 pm

    Fortunately I have no cousins.

  5. Anthony Davis
    August 6, 2008 | 11:55 pm

    Who in the world wrote this rejection letter? Mrs. Swan from MadTV?!?!?!?!

  6. Lincoln Adams
    August 7, 2008 | 12:19 am

    I admit it, she was my inspiration.

  7. ConsrvYank1
    August 7, 2008 | 9:09 am

    Everytime I think you can’t possibly get any funnier, you surprise me by doing so.

  8. Lincoln Adams
    August 7, 2008 | 10:33 am

    There may be a time when I won’t be able to top myself.

    I hope that time never comes. :-D

  9. Cheryl
    August 7, 2008 | 1:10 pm

    Oh Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln. ;)

  10. Isaiah
    August 7, 2008 | 3:06 pm

    That was hilarious, brother!

    Say, do you suppose her silence is because she’s taking time off to depilate and pick out a wedding dress? That pic you sent her might just be her dream kinda guy…

    You never know!

  11. Lincoln Adams
    August 7, 2008 | 3:40 pm

    @Isaiah: Dude, I’d be up poopie creek if that was the case. Don’t even jest about that things like that.

    FAIL

  12. Isaiah
    August 7, 2008 | 3:50 pm

    I don’t think I like you anymore…

  13. Lincoln Adams
    August 7, 2008 | 3:55 pm

    I don’t think I like you anymore…

    Meh, you weren’t my type anyway.

  14. Lynette
    August 7, 2008 | 8:51 pm

    HAHA…Even though I am a totally girlie looking girl, I could see your point… Like that Seinfeld episode when that chick has man hands. Thumbs wayyy down.

  15. Lincoln Adams
    August 7, 2008 | 10:43 pm

    Oh yeah I remember that one! I also remember the one where he dumped a girl because she ate her peas one at a time.

    “What’s the hurry??”

  16. Lincoln Adams
    August 7, 2008 | 11:23 pm

    Oh Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln. ;)

    Am I being bad again?
     

  17. stormin1961
    August 8, 2008 | 8:59 am

    staying single is the best route. i’ve been getting hassled now by a woman who i dated a few times then rejected me. now she wants me to be her knight in shining armor and give her $1,000 to get her car fixed. what friggin nerve!!!

  18. ConsrvYank1
    August 8, 2008 | 9:54 am

    staying single is the best route. i’ve been getting hassled now by a woman who i dated a few times then rejected me. now she wants me to be her knight in shining armor and give her $1,000 to get her car fixed. what friggin nerve!!!

    Tell her to go pound sand.

  19. Lincoln Adams
    August 8, 2008 | 9:56 am

    Tell her to go pound sand.

    What she said.

  20. Martini Girl
    December 17, 2008 | 7:33 pm

    LOL Your stories sound very similar to mine. Ahhhh dating… ’tis a wonderful thing!

    I had to reject a guy because he smelled weird. (of course I didn’t tell him this) It wasn’t body odor or smelly shoes or anything… It was just a weird smell and his car was like that too. Kind of like when you go into someone’s house for the first time and it just has a scent you don’t like – nothing in particular.. just a weird scent. It just was way too distracting. Hell, I couldn’t stop smelling and thinking about it during the whole date.

    I had to laugh at myself later for this because it reminded me of the movie “So I Married an Axe Murderer” where he broke up with girl because she smelled like soup. lol

    • Lincoln Adams
      December 17, 2008 | 7:40 pm

      We must be where Seinfeld got all his material.

  21. Kristen
    December 17, 2008 | 8:54 pm

    I cannot wait to show my friend this. She’s got an ad on Craigslist …
    Too funny for any more words!

    • Lincoln Adams
      December 17, 2008 | 10:57 pm

      I take it that means she’s available then?

  22. Kristen
    December 17, 2008 | 11:30 pm

    Sure enough!
    And rumor has it that even though she loves AZ, she’d be willing to move for the right guy. Meaning a MAN!

  23. Lincoln Adams
    December 17, 2008 | 11:36 pm

    And rumor has it that even though she loves AZ, she’d be willing to move for the right guy.

    Oh Yeahhh….

    Meaning a MAN!

    DAMMIT.

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