Every year around this time of year, I start getting gobs of traffic to my Anti-Valentine series of posts, in fact the kind of ridiculous traffic I only wish I could get every day. Because if I did, I could quit my job right now and book out of town faster than the Blues Brothers. Ahhhhhhh the irony, that the one day I hate more than anything also happens to be the same day I get the most traffic to my blog.

This time though, instead of wailing and moaning over Single Awareness Day, I have decided to celebrate this time of wubsie wubs instead. I’ve always been a romantic sap, and so what if I still haven’t met the girl of my dreams (and never will)? So what if I secretly pray every happy couple I see holding hands in the subway gets pushed in front of an oncoming train? So what if I hope every happily married couple out there dies in a violent fire, never to be heard from again? There’s a still a little room left in the cold cackles of my heart for luuuuuuUUuuUuuUrv. After all, why should I be deprived of screaming 80s ballads at the top of my lungs even if there’s no occasion for it? (A fun pastime by the way that’s second only to gouging on Taco Bell chalupas during a Psych marathon.)

Nup, this time I shall celebrate the season of love, and I can’t think of a better way to do that than a trip to Maine in February.

I actually leave on the 13th for Portland, and I figure with all the weather we’re getting I’ll be too busy freezing my gams off to get depressed about a stupid holiday. Even more fittingly, I booked a cottage at a bed and breakfast in New Hampshire right after Valentine’s Day when the prices quickly plummet, so after freezing my bazoonies in Portland, I’ll soon be soaking in a jacuzzi with a cottage all to myself, whaaAaAaaaaaat?

Who needs a woman when you’ve got a jacuzzi, pizza and a MacBook?

So the other day I was doing so random surfing when I came upon some statistics from U.S. Census, produced in 2004.

I’ve always wondered just how many eligible bachelorettes were really out there in the good old U.S. of A, so I started crunching some numbers. Here’s the skinny: there are approximately 8 million men between the ages of 25-34 who have never married. By comparison, there are only 6 million women in the same demographic who have never married.

Since I won’t likely consider dating someone younger than 25, not just because of the creepy age difference, but also because someone that young will have a different and more naive perspective on life that would undoubtedly clash with my own sadder (but wiser) worldview, I’ve thus limited my options to within this age range.

I also won’t consider anyone with kids either, not merely because of the inherent risks that comes with raising someone else’s children (and the fact that I would be playing second fiddle to the kids right from the start), but also because Mommy would hurt me really badly if I ever brought home a girl cradling Junior and Juniorette on each arm.

So, according to stats I found elsewhere, 34% of women who have never married have kids. That winnows down the list to less than 4 million.

Since subjective traits such as personality, etc. can’t be measured in statistics, I’ll use the voting record to at least filter out those with incompatible political views. Since I’m conservative that would rule out the 70% of women who voted for Obama, which leaves me with less than 1.5 million eligible women.

Even now that still fails to take into consideration physical chemistry, common personality traits, religion, etc. (and also hoping she is of a sound enough mind without the need for mind altering drugs to keep her from going batpoopie insane.) Using all these factor it would be a MIRACLE if there were even 500,000 women left, but I’ll be generous though and presume even accounting for all these additional factors, there are still 1 million girls left that I can sample like a tasty free snack at the local supermarket. 1 million though only is 0.33% of the entire United States population. Less than one third of one percent. Gees.

Compounding things even more is the fact that under these conditions, there are now 8 guys for every 1 eligible bachelorette I might be interested in. I have to contend and somehow beat out 7 other guys to get a shot at a girl who may or may NOT be the one. The odds I have to beat are enormous.

And now my experience in this country suddenly starts to make a little sense. It explains why single moms with looks that could freeze over a nuclear reactor could STILL see their inbox jammed with letters from single desperate guys on online dating sites. It has become a buyer’s market for women here, and under these conditions, I understand now why so many girls I run across would always be obnoxious, arrogant, mean spirited or just plain cold and aloof. They can afford to be that way, because the odds are overwhelmingly in their favor.

Even for a decent girl, imagine having to deal with a mountain of guys all vying for her attention and wanting to get into her pants. Imagine it happening so often, day after day after day, that by the time the 8th guy rolls around who isn’t a complete poopieface (say, yours truly) she’ll be so disgusted by men that I’ll get shut down before I even have a chance to say hello.

Given these numbers and what they reveal about the current state of affairs in America, the Census data has offered me irrefutable proof that that dating scene here has become absolutely IMPOSSIBLE. Unless I’m willing to lower my standards dramatically and hook up with some Prozac popping Sasquatch for some psychedelic Nightmare on Elm Street kind of funsies, I have no recourse but to remain single.

Or… travel. A LOT.

Even if I stayed within the states, just traveling everywhere I can and as much as I can would at least boost the odds that I’ll come across one of the 1 million decent girls who might be…. THE ONE. Heck even traveling just 150 miles into Pennsylvania opened up a few opportunities for me. One thing’s for sure, I’ve been stuck here in New York for 30 something years and I have not come any iota closer to finding anyone. There really may be nothing for me here, so maybe it’s time to see what’s out there instead.

Beginning with oh say, a 12 state road trip I’m planning to do this fall. :-D

UPDATE: I was sent a link to this interactive map that paints a DEVASTATING picture for young, single men. The tide only starts to turn as men and women get older. Basically if I was willing to date 40-50 year old cougars I’d be the life of the party. Awesome.

One upside to being spurned by the entire female population that exists for no other reason than to do Satan’s bidding: I get to spend on me, and me alone!

Once I got my tax refund, it was time to spend, spend, spendspendspend, all for me, and nobody else but meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Well, maybe Momsie too. :-D

After coming back from Boston, it was time to finally make some much needed upgrades to my home office setup, a project that has at long last been legitimized by the fact that I am actually making some money off this blog now. My 8 year old desktop rig simply wasn’t cutting it anymore, making even the occasional Facebook use an aggravating bang-my-head-against-the-wall experience. My printer also fizzled out, not having printed a streak-free page for at least a year. So it was time… time to order the MOTHER OF ALL DESKTOP PCs, a custom build I put together that includes an Intel i7 CPU, a blistering fast Solid State Drive, the second fastest video card on the market from ATI, and a tower case fashioned with the same materials used to develop weapons for the military. OH YEAH, BABY.

Also placed an order for a new Canon MP990, a multifunction photo printer that scans and copies with the best of ‘em. I opted not to get one that includes a fax since I don’t have a landline, and even then I’d never use it. I can’t wait, as the photo printouts are said to be exceptional.

Finally, I’ll be plunking down for a new MacBook Pro, (if they ever release the new updates that is), and a GPS add-on for my iPod (if they ever get around to releasing that too). With that add-on I’ll be able to geocache, use Navigon for driving, and effectively utilize all the location based apps I have installed to help me find eateries and other points of interest while I get around.

Since I broke my old camera, I’ve also since upgraded with a Canon s90, the best compact digicam around for point and shoots and low-light photos, which seems to be my thing. I love me some night shots.

I am hoping this crazy nuts spending binge will all translate into a better blogging experience, both for me and you, especially with the acquisition of a MacBook. I’ve always wanted to compose music using GarageBand, and I’m hoping to dust off my electronic piano and see if I can’t finally put together some original tunes I can post here for my readers to enjoy, including my personal rendition of Air Supply’s All Out of Love. Tee hee.

On the downside, it also means I’m going to be very poor for a while, and I won’t be able to take another trip anywhere until May. Ah well, there’s always Manhattan in the meantime. I’ve made it here, so I know I can make it anywheeeeeeeeere!

Especially when there’s no female in my life to muck things up for me.