Or if not the girl of my dreams, then a VERY close relative of her.

Remember how I described what I thought my dream girl would be like?

I added that description to my profile on one of the dating sites I was on. Most of the women I talked to suggested I not do that, as such specific details might make a girl think I’m being very closed-minded about getting to know anyone else who is less perfect than the fantasy girl I’ve envisioned for myself. That’s why I only decided to put it on one site, where I was having the least amount of luck. No loss, no gain.

But then I happened across one profile and I found it so endearing that I had to email her (despite her being nearly 1,000 miles away.) I didn’t expect to receive a response, but to my surprise I did, and to my complete shock, I couldn’t believe what I read:

Hello and thank you for the message! May I just say that I love your profile. It reads almost as poetry. I was a little freaked out by your description of your dream girl… you could have been writing about me. Right down to the bit about being quiet and shy, artsy, reads a lot (yes I love a real book in my hand :), long hair, never curses, love music (have played piano since I was 6) and am a true romantic at heart. Despite the current statistics of the length of an average marriage these days I firmly believe that two people can love each other and no one else for their entire lives and be the better for it. *daydreams*

*snaps back to reality* So yes thank you for the message :)

O_O

I have no words. Not two days ago I was firmly convinced that I was projecting my fantasy of the kind of girl I’d fall in love with, never believing for a minute that this type really existed in real life. Except…

If anything, that completely turned my world upside down. Could it be possible? Could the girl I envision really exist, if not this sweetheart, then someone like her? It was hard to imagine, but it gave me a glimmer of hope, that maybe, just MAYBE, I wasn’t being so silly about this after all. Maybe I really did have a soulmate.

I’ve emailed her back and asked her if we could continue corresponding, if for no other reason than to just be friends and now waiting if she gets back to me with bated breath (actually I’m terrified out of my mind.)

I have no expectations really… ok who am I kidding, I already envisioned the wedding. My mind has a tendency to do that, latching on to a scrap of hope in the present and then time warping into an idealized future, instead of just taking things as they are now. It’s why even the most petty of disappointments sometimes have such a devastating impact on me. Sigh, I wish I could stop that somehow.

So if she doesn’t respond (which seems likely) I’ll be sad panda, but I think it was enough to know my type may exist in this world after all.

A few people suggested that I create a dating profile on my blog, so I managed to hack one up today (check it out here).

For now it’s a copy of the profile intro I’ve been using with some extra stuff tossed in. Might add some pictures later on (as long as I’m not identifiable in any shape, form or way), but i’m too lazy to do anything of the sort now. Let me know what you think though.

After pasting my profile I started writing up what I personally wanted in a female companion, and I think that surprised me, because my description of the dream girl started to become more detailed and specific. So much that I was starting to wonder if I wasn’t describing a real person. That maybe, somehow, I was imprinted with a sense of who she might be even though I don’t know WHO she actually is just yet.

Maybe that’s just the romantic, idealistic side of me dreaming again, but it’s nice to think that there might be something to this. It’s on my dating profile now, but I’ll re-post it here for your perusal:

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As for the kind of girl I’m looking for, physically my type seems to be women who are especially girlie, big bright eyes that just draw you in, with a soft look and expression about them (and not the permanent, stony faced scowls that seem to be so common among women these days.) Think Zooey Deschanel or Jessica Alba, pretty much the only two celebrities I’ve ever daydreamed about. Well, other than Rebecca Herbst that is, who I had a thing for back when I was in college (a soap opera star in General Hospital.)

Besides that, she’s quiet, shy, and a bit introverted (or maybe a lot). She loves reading books, whether it’s on a Kindle or iPad, although maybe she just likes to hold an actual book physically. She might have reading glasses too, granny type glasses that make her look even more adorably cute.

She dreams a lot, sometimes lost in thought, always thinking. She’s kind-hearted and volunteers somewhere to help people in need. She’s the type that’s always looking for a quiet spot by herself in a park or an arboretum, content to watch nature and observe people.

And when she smiles, there’s almost a melancholy sadness about it, and yet it’s a smile that could light up my day and make me feel as right as rain again.

She’s quirky and funny, and maybe a bit clumsy. She almost never curses, and might even still blush red if she says things like darn and poopie.

She cares about her looks, but not excessively so. Her hair is long, maybe slightly curly, maybe not, always beautiful. She dresses tastefully, a bit modestly, but somehow attractively. She loves animals, might have a dog or a cat that looks just as adorably cute as she does.

She has an artistic side, whether in music, art or poetry. She feels deeply, and loves deeply. She is a romantic, a true one, she equally craves intimacy and bonding with the love of her life. Soulmates are not a silly concept for her.

She sees the world through child-like eyes, always fascinated by it and viewing it with a sense of wonder.

She is, for all intents and purposes, the girl of my dreams.

I was reading a fascinating thread on a message board about relationships. This guy comes on and basically complains about how women are viewing his dating profile but no one ever sends him any emails. So I checked his profile:

“I rarely attend Church… I’m on SSI disability, so, please don’t expect a rich guy. I live with my parents, but pay rent.”

Yeah so ok, I think we all know what his problem is.

But that’s not what fascinated me. What fascinated me was that none of the half dozen or so women make mention of his profile. They’re all basically encouraging him and saying don’t give up you’ll find somebody, blah blah blah, emo-positive stuff.

Not once did it occur to any of them to say, “You know what, your profile SUCKS. Change it you idiot.”

Profiles are like resumes, you have to represent the very best of yourself, dangle that carrot so to speak, so once you have somebody on the hook, the less awesomer sides of you become more palatable and easier to accept. That’s just human nature.

But none of these women make mention of this, lulling this guy into a false sense of confidence that there was nothing inherently wrong with how he was presenting himself.

That made me think about things. Particularly if women tell me totally positive stuff about myself and that there’s nothing wrong, it really means THERE IS SOMETHING HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY WRONG AND THEY ARE JUST NOT TELLING ME.

Except for my mother, who always gives it to me straight and tells me when I’m being a schnook (which is pretty much all the time.)

What? I was bored.

Got the idea from reading an article that mentioned being able to get fake girlfriends for 5 bucks on Fiverr.com, so rather than get my usual hot chocolate from Starbucks, I decided I was really in the mood for some fake wubsies.

Yeah I got scammed.

Well, semi-scammed. She/He/It did send post a note on my wall, liked up some of my stuff and…. that was it, for like, the next 13 days after that.

I wonder what it says about me as a person when I can’t even get a girl to give me any kind of attention even when I’m PAYING them to give me attention?

Sigh.

You’ll have to forgive me, these days I’m trying to fend off all the perfectly good reasons why I should go take a nap on the train tracks during peak times, so I’m not really in the best of moods here. Especially after spending $120 to get back on Match.com and Christian Mingle for 3 months so I can try to at least get a coffee date with someone, and have now already run through the gamut of all the local girls available without getting a response from any of them.

It’s a depressing feeling, casting such a wide net and still being unable to come across a nice girl who thinks you’re worth getting to know. Feelings I have to bury deep down and put a happy face over, because women do NOT want a guy who is prone to depression (or shorter than 6 feet, or makes less than $100,000, or etc., etc.) Thus my profile is positive and upbeat, my messages are positive and upbeat, and yet… nothing.

I mean, I just want a coffee date, is all. I’m not asking for your hand in marriage or to boinky boinky boink on Friday nights. I’m only asking for a few minutes of sipping coffee together to see if we have some chemistry. I guess I’m just looking for someone to give me a chance.

But after a while, after so many rejections, I start to wonder if the reason nobody will give me a chance is because ultimately, I don’t deserve one.