So today I came across this video:

Have you noticed, whenever you can see the driver, it’s always a woman? Watch the last one too, you just KNOW that was a dude who did it. Awesome.

So anyway, I show it to my male coworker, and we get to a discussion about how women are pretty much the dumbest, worthless, most good for nothing creatures ever.

“God, I seriously hate them, you know? I hate working with them, I hate looking at them, I just HATE them.” I made a spitting motion to the ground.

“I hear ya, how much better would this place be if if it were just us men. Then we’d REALLY be getting things done.”

“A-fracking-men. I am so done with them, seriously.” I looked over and noticed Karen was approaching us (a girl I once crushed on.) Oh crap, she probably overheard us and was going to give us the third-

“Do any of you guys have change for a dollar?”

“Of course, honey!” I ran to my desk and got out some quarters. “Are you getting a soda? They raised it to a dollar twenty-five, so I’ll give you an extra quarter if you need it.”

“Yeah, actually, you don’t mind? I’ll pay you when I get change again.”

“Of course, sweetie, don’t worry about it.” I smiled.

“Thanks, you are such a doll.” She left, and I turned back to my coworker.

“What?”

“You… disgust me.”

Tags: accidents, coworker, driving, funny, girl, karen, soda, video, women, women suck, YouTube
Categories: In The Coal Mine, Romance and Relationships
 
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In the world of geocaching, people can release what’s called travel bugs, which can be any small item you’d like attached to a dog tag that travels from geocache to geocache. You can monitor their journey online too to learn where they’ve been and where they might be going.

To join in the fun, I decided to release two travel bugs of my own. So I went out and bought split heart necklaces, then took one half of the necklace and dropped it off at a cache in Boston, while the second half will be dropped off somewhere in Manhattan today on Valentine’s. The goal is for these two travel bugs to somehow find their way back to each other with the help of cachers so that they may be whole again.

I told you, I’m a disgusting sap.

Ironically enough, today also marks the 10th anniversary from when I was evicted from my home. Ten long years. It seemed the height of irony that an act of cruelty and hatred which forever altered the course of my life would occur on this day, but it did, and I have hated Valentine’s with a passion ever since. But even before then I despised the day, having to watch as couples snuggled and called each other schmoopies while it was all I could do to keep myself from pouring lighter fluid on them and then dropping a lit match. God, why won’t these disgusting happy couples just DIE, or get herpes or something?

But anyhoo…

I’m determined not to let the day get to me. I have been so far removed from the traumas of the past that I think it’s time I learn to let it go and move on with my life. I still have many plans and places I want to visit, many new experiences to be had, and much delicious pizza to sample.

So Happy Valentine’s Day to all you disgusting, diseased riddled perverts. May you find your flowers rife with poisonous thorns, your chocolates filled with dung, and your greeting cards laced with acid.

Tags: anniversary, boston, geocache, geocaching, hatred, holidays, manhattan, sap, travel, travel bugs, Valentine, valentines day
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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I went to the mall on Thursday in my neverending search for decent gloves, starting off with a walkaround inside Macy’s.

I finally found some cashmere gloves but, um, are cashmere gloves supposed to be THAT shiny? Even then they didn’t look like great quality, in some areas you could see the thread was already beginning to loosen. I guess that’s why they were having a sale for them. I found some Isotoners too, but it’s always the same deal: too small, too big, too plush, too thin or too ugly. Bah.

While I was trying out gloves a cute girl also showed up and started looking around as well. I smiled at her but she ignored me as she continued yakking on the phone. I lingered around and glanced every now and then, waiting for an opportunity to see if I could talk to her. I also happened to notice this old lady pushing a baby carriage nearby giving me the dirtiest of looks too. What was that all about? The answer came when the cute girl finally stopped looking and she and the old lady left together. Oops? Was Mommy watching me the whole time?

In hindsight I should have realized if she was looking for male gloves she probably had a boyfriend, and that’s who she was yakking with on the phone. Sigh.

Off to H&M!

I arrived at the store and immediately realized 90% of the clothes were for women, while the remaining 10% for men were stashed on the basement level in a corner somewhere. Yeah this should be productive, and yep of course they didn’t have any gloves at all. I went back upstairs and looked around for a few minutes more. I was just about to leave when I saw this unbelievably GORGEOUS blonde bombshell sifting through one of the clothing racks.

Oh. My. God.

Oh please, oh please, oh please let her see me or notice meeeeeee…

I walked close by and pretended to check out some girlie clothes like stuff, waiting for her to glance in my direction so I could smile at her. Give me a smile, a frown, something, ANYTHING! She continued to look around, but her eyes went past me like I wasn’t there. I stood next to her, walked around, walked in front, waiting for any kind of opening, but she wasn’t biting. It seems the only way I was going to get her attention was to throw a brick at her head, and unfortunately, I had left mine in the car.

Sigh.

I left the store dejected and depressed, checked out a handful of other stores before finally leaving the mall, gloveless and womanless.

You know, I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m not the kind of person who can approach somebody cold when I’m out in public, so there needs to be some kind of context I can work with that would encourage me to go talk to a girl. Even a friendly smile would do it, but nobody it seems wants to do even that. I just see an ocean of stony faced women all going about their business, and it breaks my heart.

So yeah, I give up. I’m just not going to look anymore. I’ll just go about my business in life, and if I happen to bump into a cutie at the supermarket who doesn’t sneer at me, maybe I’ll start a conversation. But for the most part I’m just gonna keep my head down low and stay away from the crowds as much as I can.

If only I could buy my clothes online without having to try them on, then I wouldn’t have to go out at all.

Tags: cashmere, depressed, girl, gloves, mall, women, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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For those who have been reading this blog for some time, you’ll know that I occasionally like to use cute terms like “wubs” and “snuggles” and “sugar pot bon bon bunny cakes.”

I do it because it’s silly, it lightens the mood, and it tends to evoke more than a few laughs.

But who knew the darkness and virulent hatred that could spring forth just from using what I THOUGHT were innocuously harmless terms.

For this, I blame women.

I knew something was amiss because I had been using the same terms on a message board a few days ago, and this woman just went off on me on how she is not a child and could never respect anyone who said he “wubs” her and that men who did that are sex depraved, immature, stupid or some such thing.

So naturally I called her a whore.

Anyhoo, I always assumed (there I go assuming again) that the girl of my dreams would appreciate these terms of endearment, and that when you’re so in love with someone it’s only natural to start using silly terms of endearment. I didn’t expect that women could take such offense at it to the point that they’d start tearing their hair out and writing naughty things about me on bathroom walls.

So, in order to settle the matter, I’ve decided to take a poll!

Depending on the results, if it’s readily clear that I am perceived as being something less of a manly man because I “wubs” just a bit too much, then I vow that I will never make use of such terms again. After all, far be it from me to scare away the girl of my dreams for saying “cuddly lumps boom boom honey pie” one time too many.

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Tags: girl of my dreams, hatred, immature, message board, stupid, terms of endearment, women, writing
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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Yawn.

So, basically, I brought in the new year by watching old episodes of Heroes from Netflix and popping Ferrero Rondnoirs. I hadn’t even realized it was 2010 until 3 minutes past midnight. I also refused to turn on the TV to see the ball go down because I am just not a fanboy of watching stupid, drunken revelers gyrating all over each other to the tune of crap metal devil music. Plus Dick Clark is a weenie.

Next year I hope will be a different story. Instead of gouging myself on chocolates, I hope to ring in the near year with my first ever new year’s kiss. With a woman. It’s going to happen, because if I can’t get some stupid, skanked up, self-absorbed, two-bit whore to cooperate and see what a great, sweet guy I am by then, then I’m just gonna hire me a hooker to give me a kissy wissy when the clock strikes 12.

Oh by the way, women SUCK.

No wait, I’m going somewhere with this. I’ve been having a fascinating discussion on a forum about relations between men and women, and some female newcomer talks about how she hates virgins and thinks they are creepy, dysfunctional, and like, totally uncool, and that only men with experience are worth chasing after. So naturally I called her a whore.

But that got me thinking. I always assumed the reason women who slept around were called whores while men who did the same were called studs was due to the byproduct of living in a patriarchal society. But now I see that women are completely to blame for these stereotypes. Why? Because while men respect women who are chaste/virgins, women however do not respect men for being the same. They in fact HATE THEM. A guy who sleeps with 50 women will be adored in the eyes of these skanks, while a virgin is shunned and derided.

As a Christian, I believe sex outside of marriage is wrong, and therefore chose to honor God and practice abstinence until I found “the one.” I’ve had several opportunities in my life to get on the funky, but I was so repulsed by the women who tried to… seduce me(?) that the decision to say no was easy. Back then I was really an ignoramus, I just couldn’t understand how women could proposition me without knowing anything about me, without any romance, without any emotional bond. They just slept around like it was no big deal.

Nowadays it’s even easier to remain a virgin, because now NOBODY wants me. Only I think part of it was because I so freely talked about my virginal background. I’ve never been with a woman, but I always assumed saving myself for “the one” would endear me to them even more. It never really occurred to me that it had just the opposite effect. Even those that purport to be Christian I suspect still subconsciously shun me and lose respect for me because I am not a player.

So how then can I attract women now? Well it’s simple: LIE. If anyone asks, I have had 20 women in my life, and they ALL want me back.

That’s why I say women don’t want honesty, they want the right answers. I give them the wrong answer because stupid me thinks they might appreciate honesty, and they will run away like a thief in the night. It doesn’t matter who I am as a person, it only matters that I am only desirable to them if OTHER women also found me desirable. That’s why married men are more attractive to women than single. That’s why men with built-in harems are more attractive to women than men who practice monogamy.

The truth is I can’t reveal anything about my past, because I don’t see anything in it that could allure a girl. Everything I say about myself WILL be used against me in the court of romance and wubs. I have to lie, at least until I can get her emotionally invested in me, because the sad truth is, it’s the only way I can get any kind of woman to be interested in me. In the meantime, I might ask some of you to fake call me while I’m out on a date and like, cry on the phone and stuff over how badly you miss me and want me back. I’ll put you on speaker so she can hear it too.

Yep, I can’t see how my revised approach here to lie my way into a new relationship could possibly go wrong.

Tags: abstinence, christian, God, honesty, Netflix, new year, single, stereotypes, truth, virgins, whores, women, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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So I was on Craigslist… (oh good grief, I know what a toxic wasteland it is, just get off my case already.)

So anyhoo, I was on Craigslist in the strictly platonic section, and surprisingly enough, I find an ad by a girl looking for someone to accompany her for pleasant conversations and the best hot cocoa she could find in the city. She had read an article listing the best 22 places to find hot chocolate and was planning to check them all out, and her ad was an invitation to join her on her chocolatey journey. I thought it was the most adorable thing I ever read, and promptly sent her an email.

You think I got a response? Of course not.

So you know what, hell with it, I’ll go visit these places myself and sip my own damned cocoa. I managed to find the article she was referring to, so now I can make my own chocolatey journey through the city, probably starting New Year’s Day. New Year’s Day is the best time to go joyriding around Manhattan too, practically everyone is in bed with a hangover while the sober, smart ones among us have the whole city to ourselves.

So I’ll just have to dance alone as usual, but I’m not going to let that stop me from having a good time.

Tags: city, conversations, craigslist, girl, hot chocolate, hot cocoa, manhattan, new year, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships
 
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