While I was ferociously at work here at my desk (surfing a few dating sites), I happened to look up and saw the Commissioner walking by with the Chief of Police.

OH SH__

I quickly closed my browser window and started shuffling papers to look busy. The Chief of Police saw me, his eyes wide, probably because I was the last person on earth he wanted to see, especially with the Commish there standing next to him. They greeted my coworker, then the Chief quickly tried to usher the Commish out before I could get a chance to say hello.

Too late.

“Heeeeeey Commissioner, pleased to meet you!” We shook hands. He happened to notice my 8×10 frame of a big question mark that was sitting on my desk, and asked me what it was.

“Oh, that’s the girl of my dreams.”

And we all laughed.

“Hold on, I have a picture of my ex in my wallet.” I took it out and showed them:

And we all laughed.

“By the way, can I have a raise? I really need the money.”

And we all laughed.

Actually I didn’t think it was THAT funny, but oh well. The conversation ended just as quickly as it started, with the Chief letting out a huge sigh of relief as they left our section. Dweeb.

If you’re curious in learning why Chiefie Weenie doesn’t like me very much, there’s a whole back story on that you can read up on in case you have nothing else to do, which you probably don’t.

I’m surrounded by idiots at my job, and they’re really beginning to wear me out.

It’s not that have anything against them, it’s just that they’re… well… idiots.

I can’t even have a conversation about the weather without it somehow flying right over their heads as they give me one of those trademark blank stares that tell me they didn’t know what in the hell I just said.

But God forbid you have to work with them, and if you wanna know why I will swear to you that the following conversation is so close to the truth that just to repeat it here makes me want to cry all over again:

Me: “After you’re done with these papers, just place them in the bin here.”

Blank stare.

Me: “Um… just place them right in the bin here, you know, when you’re done?”

Blank stare.

At this point I have no choice but to make like I’m addressing a 4 year old:

Me: “Wheeeeeeeeen you are fiiiiinished with these paaaaaaaaaaaapers (pointing to papers), place them iiiiiiiiiin the biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin heeeeeeeeere. Dooooooo yoooooooou unnnnnnnderstaaaaand?”

Finally its like a little light goes on somewhere in their head and they nod vigorously with understanding. “OOOOOH, sure, no problem!”

Later when I go to sign out for the day I noticed the papers were never put in the bin.

……………………………………………

And honestly, I’ll just stand there looking at this empty bin for like 5 minutes, trying to understand what exactly it is I’ve done in my life that would make God hate me so much.

Sigh.

I was running my rounds at the local courts here, when I stopped by one office to pick up the usual crap and happened to look up at the bulletin board. Tacked on was a notice that said:

In the event you receive a bomb threat by telephone, please bang on the desks to draw the attention of your coworkers and hold up this sign:

TELEPHONE BOMB THREAT

Hmmmmmm…

When I got back to my office I quickly fired up MS Word and put together a poster that said the same thing, making sure to use a nice BIG font for the words “TELEPHONE BOMB THREAT.”

Then I used my cell phone to call our section here and quickly picked it up when the phone rang. After pretending to listen for a minute or two, I started banging on the desk like crazy.

Everyone was looking at me, wondering if I had finally gone completely mad. I held up the sign and pointed at it frantically. They all stared at it for a few seconds or so… and then went right back to what they were doing.

“You’re late Linc.”

“Sorry boss, I forgot that we moved the clocks ahead an hour already.”

“That was done in March.”

“See? Just goes to show how behind I am on the times.”

He sighed and walked away, mumbling “*&%# little smart@$$ piece of —-.”

Or something like that I think.

I had one of those nights where I would wake up early, look at the clock… and then go right back to sleep again.

Actually it’s like that every night, only I did it three times in a row today. When I finally did get up, it was a race against time as I blazed down the highways at warp speed so I wouldn’t be late for work. Considering how close I was already cutting it, I probably shouldn’t have stopped by the local market to pick up some DVD rentals and grub on the way.

I snuck inside 15 minutes late, checked the logbook and noticed no one had signed in since 9AM.

Hmmmmmmmm….

So I signed in an hour before my shift was slated to start, then messed up my desk to make it look like I had already been here for a while.

Looks like I’ll be going home early tonight, just in time for the holiday weekend too.

Here’s how a typical day might go:

*Phone Rings*

“Special Division, Lincoln Adams speaking.”

“Yeah I need to have a few documents faxed over?”

“Sure, what’s the subject’s last name, first name?”

I get up, pull the requested files out of the drawer, and then fax them over.

*Phone Rings*

“Special Division, Lincoln Adams speaking.”

“Yeah I need to have a few documents faxed over?”

“Sure, what’s the subject’s last name, first name?”

I get up, pull the requested files out of the drawer, and then fax them over.

*Phone Rings*

“Special Division, Lincoln Adams speaking.”

“Yeah I need to have a few documents faxed over?”

“Sure, what’s the subject’s last name, first name?”

I get up, pull the requested files out of the drawer, and then fax them over.

*Phone Rings*

“Special Division, Lincoln Adams speaking.”

“Yeah I need to have a few documents faxed over?”

“Sure, what’s the subject’s last name, first name?”

I get up, pull the requested files out of the drawer, and then fax them over.

*Phone Rings*

“Dominos Pizza.”

“Oh…. sorry I must have dialed the wrong number. *click*

*Phone Rings*

“LavaLife Dating Service, how can I help you?”

“……………………………… *click*”

*Phone Rings*

“Central Intelligence Agency, Jack Ryan speaking.”

“Linc stop #$%ing around with the phone.”

“Oops, sorry sir, I won’t do it ag-”

*click*

I need a new job.