Hmmmm….

Members of the East Central Narcotics Task Force arrested a West Hartford man was arrested after a short chase in South Windsor Thursday evening.

According to police, Almighty Supremebeing Allah refused to stop for a marked cruiser and was detained about a mile down the road after the initial stop.

Witnesses reportedly heard the deity cry out as he was being subdued by police:  “Infidels!!!!  FILTHY INFIDELS!!!  I, the Supreme Being am not subject to your human laws!  Release me at once so that I may continue to bestow my loyal servants with fresh supplies of my homemade white powders!!!  AND GET THAT FILTHY DOG AWAY FROM ME!”

Upon hearing the news, President Bush hastily called a press conference to declare victory and an end to the war on terror.

Barack Hussein Obama also commented on the arrest during a campaign stop in Moscow.  “This is not the god I thought I knew,” he said, while expressing suspicion that the charges may have been driven by what he termed “spiritual racism,” and made a public plea for donations to have Allah released on bond.

“We must learn to respect the actions of these deities, regardless of how evil their actions might seem.  Indeed, the only true evil that exists in our world today is the evil of intolerance.  And Republicans,” he said.

Several journalists reportedly fainted at the sound of Obama’s voice while he made these comments.

Meanwhile, Muslims have begun a worldwide phenomenon of praying away from Mecca and towards the prison center currently housing the Supreme Being.

I might have made some of this up by the way.

Does it really surprise anyone at all that Allah would be caught hanging out in West Hartford?

Remember when I wrote about tweaking my dating profile before?  I finally got around to uploading the changes on a major dating site the night before.  6 hours later I get this email:

Some of your comments were flagged for review and were found to be inappropriate, and your profile was edited.  We would like to remind you that any defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, obscene, profane, offensive sexually oriented, threatening, harassing, racially offensive, or illegal material or any material that infringes or violates another party’s rights is not allowed…

The portion that triggered the review was my “threat” to superimpose the face of any Obama worshipping girl over a picture of Richard Simmons, and then spreading those photos around the Internet.  Yes, really.

Actually I could see how this might worry some people. 

This would be one of them:

Yes, that’s a woman by the way.  I can confirm this because she recently sent me a wink on Match.com.

It’s no secret that I live the life of a Downtown Man. Women who lived in an uptown world, along with their fancy college degrees and white collar professions could never go for a blue collar bum like me. Social status doesn’t exist in a vacuum after all, and if I don’t got the mojo, then there’s no way I can land me some high class ho-hos, ya know?

But Billy Joel, he made me believe. He made me dare to dream in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, there was an Uptown girl out there who could see past my blue collar ways, and past the gruff exterior. Yes you did, Billy Joel:

But I see now that it was all a dirty, filthy, vomitous lie. Damn you Billy Joel!! Damn you for making me dream wonderful dreams, only to see reality grind them out like so much meat!!!! I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you…

I’d since tossed in the towel when it comes to online dating, but a thought occurred to me: If I’m giving up, I might as well go out with a bang, right?

And since writing a serious profile that highlighted all my positive traits wasn’t doing dinky squats, I think it’s time I started having a little fun and doing what I do best: pissing the ever living crap out of people.

Here’s a copy of my newly rewritten profile for your perusal, which I titled, “NO FAT CHICKS!!” Bask in the glory that is my manly brilliance:

I am, quite simply, the man of every woman’s dreams. I’m also Italian, which means I can cook, I can sing, and I can love in ways you could never imagine, even in your wildest fantasies.

But if you want me, you must be worthy of me. Here are a few things you will need to fulfill before you should even consider contacting me:

• You must be at a normal, healthy weight. Fat, obese chicks need not apply. Please, don’t kid yourself. If you don’t like it, stop eating and join a gym.
• You must have a positive IQ and have a college education. Stupid women are unattractive. In addition, if you think MySpace is the greatest thing in the world then you have no redeeming quality whatsoever. Please go join a convent and spare us men of your vacuous, mind numbing idiocy.
• You must hate liberals. If Obama is your god not only will I not contact you, I will superimpose your face on naked photos of Richard Simmons and post them to Facebook and MySpace for all the world to see, which will include the captions “For a good time call…” along with your cell phone number and email address.
• You must have no tattoos or body piercings in places other than your ears. They are not cool. Such self mutilation is a sign of a mental disorder. Get help you sick, sick girl (and stay away from magnetic material.)
• You must not dress like a 2 dollar hooker working 42nd Street in Manhattan. It does not make you look sexy. It makes you look like a hooker.
• You must not drink (or drink only on rare occasions). If bar hopping is one of your favorite pastimes, then please don’t let me stop you from continuing to enjoy it… alone.
• You must not have children. If you messed up in a previous relationship and got kids out of that deal, that’s not my problem. Go collect welfare if you want a sugar daddy, you promiscuous monkey ho.
• You will treat me as the rare diamond that I am, because let’s face it, you’ll never find anyone better than me. You will treat me with the respect due a man of my high stature and valor. You will love me like a king, and in return I will love you like a queen (maybe.)

If you can manage to fulfill all of the criteria above (and you’re hot looking too), then let’s talk! If not, then I would suggest signing up for TrailerParkTrash-Match.com and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to find your soulmate there.

Think I’ll get any responses?  

Recently got this email out of the blue:

Hello, my dear friend!

Maybe, you could fly to me tomorrow and bring me to your home, to get married me and to call me your sweet wife. It is my bright pink dream. I know that it can’t be not tomorrow and not even the next day, because I am nobody for you and my letter will turn out to be big surprise for you. I am right.

But I am able to change everything right now and from pretty stranger I want to become very special person in your life. If You would be ill and I would be happy to take care of you; You would have interesting news into your life, and I would be close to you to share happy moments with you. Don’t you agree that it is real happiness when you come after work and light windows of sweet home wait for you, when you open the door and you feel sweet kisses and hugs onto your body? I think that nothing in the world can be compared with such simple family happiness. I need it very much and my letter, which you hold into your arms, proves it.

You need not to look for me long, I am right here and wait till I can greet you warmly.

Have a good mood
Irishka

I cried for several minutes. Here was someone who was a complete stranger, and yet she made my day. You can tell she had so much love and warmth to give that she felt compelled to write me a letter (even though it meant having to struggle to write it in English), just to show me how much she cared. Here’s someone who totally gets me, and the only thing I have to do is fly over there to bring my sweet angel back.

Anybody want to be my sponsor? Please, it’s for love.