Dear Assface Robertson,

Devil pact, really? You’re going to tell me that a pact supposedly signed eons ago would still affect the spiritual fate of millions of Haitian descendants who had nothing to do with it even today?

Let me explain something to you, you shriveled up, senile, dumb

We have ALL sinned, and because we are ALL sinners, none of us are immune to calamity. If a tsunami threatens to engulf me and all my cool gadgetry toys I can assure you it’s not because an ancestor of mine had a voodoo ceremony and sacrificed a pig. And no, it’s not because of global warming either, which incidently enough you also happen to believe in, basically because once again, you are a shriveled up, senile, uglied up, ass-faced jackass.

But I do have some news for you to chew on: God’s judgment will eventually come, but it will first begin in HIS HOUSE. Those who purport the name of Christ will be judged before the rest of the world, so might I suggest you ponder over that while you’re lifting 500 pound weights in your crapped up, landfill university Regents or putting on your makeup and lipstick before going live on the 700 club? Just a thought.

Love,

Lincoln

Tags: 700 club, calamity, earthquake, global warming, God, Haiti, judgment, Pat Robertson
Categories: Christians Gone Wild
 
(  Print This Post | | 96 views )

So I was in Panera Bread last night, relaxing and enjoying a bagel sandwich (that I brought from a real bagel shop), when a nice old lady approached me and began to sign in ASL. She had seen that I was hard of hearing and wanted to know if I signed too. Since I had normal hearing otherwise I told her no, but that I’d like to learn it some day (particularly with a smoking hot deaf biddy willing to sign very naughty things to me, but I omitted that part.)

We had a nice conversation, and she turned out to be of normal hearing. It was actually her 18 year old daughter who was deaf, and since her daughter had also seen me as I entered the cafe, I guess they must have been curious about me.

So the lady tells me she has a few free DVDs in her car that were educational videos for those who were deaf, but wanted to learn more about the Bible. In addition to using closed captioning, all the characters would sign in ASL too. I thought it was pretty cool, and I was happy to meet someone who was a Christian, and better yet, someone who would truly understand what it’s like to live with a hearing loss.

She went to her car, came back and gave me the DVDs in a brown bag, then asked me if I was interested in getting a few more to pass around to any deaf friends I might have too, she’d be happy to send them to me by mail. We chatted for a bit more, and then she left.

The DVDs were completely innocuous looking, like something you might find at a typical Christian bookstore. Then I happened to look at the very fine print to see who published the materials. “Watchtower Society.” Jehovah’s Witnesses?!?! Oh no! No, no, no, nononononononono!!

I had just given a JW my mailing address, and unwittingly invited an army of religious salesmen to my doorstep to give me no end of grief. God only knows what I’m gonna get in the mail now too. All because I had let down my guard just a little bit because of a sense of camaraderie I had with a sweet old lady. Why, why, WHY do I slip up like this? GAH!!

Sigh, I guess I’ll need to wire my doorbell with a few thousand volts of electricity today. Just in case.

Tags: bible, camaraderie, christian, conversation, cult, deaf, educational videos, hearing, hearing loss, jehovah witnesses, panera bread, Watchtower Society
Categories: Christians Gone Wild
 
(  Print This Post | | 93 views )

There have been various prayer movements in the United States focused on praying for change in our government, the most popular that I know of being TheCall.  I’m sure a lot of young Christians now are probably devastated by the election results, at a loss to explain why God would seemingly ignore their heartfelt prayers.

While some proponents might argue otherwise, the whole point of these movements have been largely to effect political reform.  They were overly focused on what was happening with our government, but not what was happening in the churches.  In short, we were praying for the wrong things.

Our churches are in complete disarray, deluged with religious fads and heretical teachings, with a community of believers that are more concerned about prosperity than they are about holiness.  Whatever the world does, we imitate it at every turn, whether it’s coming up with our own version of “American Idol” or turning our churches into entertainment centers complete with built-in basketball courts and coffee shops.  We’ve become so preoccupied with meaningless creature comforts, and through it all we’ve allowed an entire generation of Christians to be deceived by the rampant heresies that have overwhelmed the body of Christ.  And yet in spite of all this, we’re holding prayer vigils outside the U.S. Supreme Court building pleading for God to give us more conservative judges.  And how has that been working out so far?

Here’s the deal:  God is not concerned with our governments so much as He is concerned with His people.  And since judgment must first begin in the house of God, our focus should always be on taking care of the church first before anything else, ensuring that we walk soberly, with our minds on heaven rather than on political issues of the day.  All the nations are as a drop in the bucket to the LORD of creation anyway, and more notably, the lesson of history has shown us when a remnant of God’s people repent and seek Him with their whole hearts, things then have a way of working out for themselves without any active intervention on our part.

This will soon be an extraordinarily distressing time for Christians, yet I believe it is not intended for our destruction, but rather to encourage us to seek the LORD once again in a spirit of true repentance and broken heartedness.  Whom the LORD loves He rebukes and chastens, and He admonishes us all to “be zealous therefore, and repent.”

So for those of you have become disillusioned and even bitter about the direction our country has been heading in, don’t despair.  God has not abandoned us, and while we may experience grievous times, it is in those times that we will find true faith and revival.

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace.  In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. – John 16:33

Tags: abandoned, america, christ, christian, Christians, church, churches, country, despair, election, God, government, heresies, holiness, judgment, lord, nation, peace, prayer, prayers, praying, religious fads, remnant, repent, repentance, revival, sin, thecall, unanswered, world
Categories: Christians Gone Wild
 
(  Print This Post | | 594 views )

Remember that scene from Ghostbusters?

Dr. Peter Venkman: This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.
Mayor: What do you mean, “biblical”?
Dr Ray Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath of God type stuff.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Exactly.
Dr Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes…
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!

Maybe it’s bravado, but strangely enough just like Venkman, I seem to be relatively ok with the fact that we’re all going to die.  No, really.  Because if this crisis is truly meant to be the beginning of we’re-all-royally-screwed-end-times judgment on America for its many sins, then I can’t think of a better way to ensure our complete and total destruction than to elect a Christ denying (yet Christ imitating) dillweed who thinks he can neutralize the threat of a nuke building Iran and a nuke ready Russia with his charm.  Really, what better way to tell God just how ridiculously irredeemable we’ve become than to elect a guy who claims to be a Christian and yet thinks a good Muslim could still make it to the pearly gates as long as he keeps the bombing of civilians to a minimum?  Hey, we’re all good people here, really(!), even if we do think having a baby is tantamount to a punishment, and if we don’t seem to be too bothered at the thought of leaving those that survived failed abortions out to die.  Not that Big-O would ever intentionally do such a thing, he just doesn’t think they merit protection of course, at least not until the kind of offensive language that dares to remotely suggest a fetus is a living thing is completely stripped from such a bill of protection.  Because you know, God forbid we should toss those whacky pro-life freaks a bone that even NARAL wouldn’t have had a problem with.  We do need to be principled here, after all.

No, I just don’t see why God would want to rain fire and brimstone on us darling cherubs of light… except for possibly giving our rich folks far too many tax breaks.

When I think about it, it’s not even Obama that I can’t stand so much.  I don’t even hate on the heathens for supporting him either, since such a godless sort devoid of any sense of morality will obviously go for the Barry-O show.  I can respect that.

No, it’s the self professing Christians who hang on every word he speaks, and who teach their children to sing musical praises of Hopey-O-Change that make me want to stomp their faces in with something rusty and spiky.

It’s no secret that I intensely dislike what passes for American Christianity today, whether we’re dealing with dimwits sipping Starbucks while they fawn over girlie boy Rick Warren’s latest perfume scented books, or Calvinist snotheads who think knowing two words in Greek makes them the most brilliant scholars in recorded history, or charismatics who scream and flail their arms in revival meetings because they think they’re “on fire” and they’re about ready to projectile vomit out a stomach’s worth of 24 karat gold.

Yet nothing makes me want to go out and start bouncing people’s heads off the cement more than those ever devout Christians drooling puppy love over that Obamanation of nature otherwise known as Barack Hussein Obama.  I am absolutely convinced that this very same flock of fluffy sheep will also someday jump at the chance to stand in line for an opportunity to lick the hairy hindquarters of the Antichrist, thinking it will taste just like rainbows.

These to me represent the most darkened, clueless minds in all of creation, and because of their depraved stupidity I may end up witnessing the one thing I never wanted to see in my lifetime: the death of my country.  Thank you so, SO much for that, my brothers and sisters in the Lord.

I don’t get it.  I really don’t.  You hate Bush?  Fine.  You think he’s a war mongering, oil happy, half brained cowboy who caters to the rich?  Fine.  I can understand that.  I even dig the pacifism thing.

Explain the abortion thing to me then.  Explain to me how the violence involved in ripping fetuses to shreds doesn’t somehow repulse your pacifist side the way “Bush’s war” does.  Because when I see people looking to extend human rights to red assed baboons or wail whenever a dolphin is caught in a net, but scream at the top of their lungs for the right to twirl up a fetus into itty bitty bits that would have otherwise become a full fledged human being, then I see only the kind of deranged, twisted up minds that no medicine on earth could ever possibly cure.

And yet somehow, you’re all ok with it.  You can relate to a guy who can’t even get the basic tenets of Christianity right, (though I admit, it would have been more palatable to me if you merely agreed with him on some points and decided only to vote for him while holding your nose at the polls.)  But no, your attitude is one of complete adoration for a morally compromised Chicago politician as if he had come from the very throne of heaven itself.  It exhibits the same kind of mentality that the Antichrist will no doubt someday feed on: unabashed adoration and unquestionable loyalty, despite the transparent seedy and evil character of your so called hero.

It almost makes me want to see the Obamanation become President, if for no other reason than to see the collective look of your ashen faces when you realize with horror that “the one” turned out to be the second coming of JC after all: JC as in Jimmy Carter that is.  Mr. Malaise has finally come back to finish the job.

You know what really frosts my Chips Ahoy cookies about all this though?  It’s the fact that I’ll have to endure the travesty that will soon come upon us, alone.  There will be no honey bunny snuggles to share my misery with while we watch our beloved country commit suicide.  No cuddly bunchikins to hold and share a sweet, tender moment with while our cities riot and burn.  Every dark day that lies ahead of me I will have to face completely and utterly alone, all because not a single one of you hateful, despicable, vile women could manage to find it in your hearts to wubs me.

Fine then.  Don’t come crying to me when the world ends and you desperately need a manly shoulder to cry on.   I won’t be there.

Well maybe I will.  I am desperate and all so who knows, perhaps I can learn to forgive and forget. 

Tags: abortion, alone, america, barack hussein obama, christian, christianity, Christians, country, death, ghostbusters, God, heathens, jimmy carter, judgment, life, living, loneliness, misery, nation, Obamanation, people, president, rick warren, single, stupidity, violence, women, women suck, world
Categories: Christians Gone Wild, Politics and Poker
 
(  Print This Post | | 1,279 views )

I had a dream last night where I met Sarah Palin at a Tennessee rally.  I’m not sure what either of us were doing there, but I ain’t gonna complain. 

Only problem was, the hags from The View were also there, including America’s favorite moron, Whoopi Goldberg. 

I was in a room and some sort of quasi-interview was taking place, which in reality was really a bashfest on Lady Sarah.  Somehow I stepped in though and started smacking around Goldberg.  You know, there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of back and front slapping an idiot like Goldberg, especially when I was taking my time about it too. 

After that they just kind of disappeared, and Lady Sarah had to go get ready for the rally.  I told her not to worry about the media and that everything was going to be ok.  She hugged me tightly and kissed me on the cheek repeatedly, the same way my Mom would kiss me when she wanted me to know just how much she wubbed me. 

In fact my Mom was there too, and she wanted to take a picture of us together.  Lady Sarah cheerfully wrapped her arm around my waist, her hair brushing my chin as my Mom took our picture.   Everyone was really emotional about it too, the kind of raw emotion you might experience when you’ve been reunited with a long lost family member.

And indeed, in a way, Sarah Palin was family.  The love we all had for each other was palpable and genuine, and it was borne out of knowing that we were all part of the same family:  God’s family.

After I woke up, I wondered, why cant church be like this?  Why was it always so lifeless and dead, so caught up in the latest fads instead of concerning itself with the things that really mattered?  Why do we always perceive each other as strangers rather than family?

I made a decision that I would rather walk alone than walk with people who have compromised the faith, but for a moment here I was able to experience what it was like to have a real family.  To be loved and to love in return, if only for a moment.  It’s a shame that I could only experience that in a dream.  Even if I visited a million churches here, I’d never be able to feel at home like I did when I was in Lady Sarah’s arms. 

Tags: church, churches, dream, faith, family, fellowship, God, love, sarah palin, whoopi goldberg
Categories: Christians Gone Wild
 
(  Print This Post | | 47 views )

I caught this on Hot Air:

On a Los Angeles radio show, co-host Kathryn Milofsky asked Warren what one question he would direct at Palin if he was able to have her sit down for a forum like the one he hosted last month with John McCain and Barack Obama at his Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California.

“Well actually she called me yesterday,” Warren said. “The question I asked her was ‘how can I pray for you?’”

Warren said that Palin then “asked me to send her some bible verses on how do you deal with the unfair, unjust attacks and the mean-spirited criticism that comes in.”

The truth was Warren in his typical suck-up mode had actually called Palin FIRST, and she was merely returning his call out of courtesy.  When prompted as to what he could do for her, that’s when she asked for helpful Bible verses.

Notice she asked for Bible verses, not quotes from his “The Secret” styled book, the “Purpose Driven Life.”  Of course knowing Warren, he probably offered her Bible verses cherry picked from 80 different translations.

What really chapped my smooth cooties about this though was the perception he gave that Palin had actually sought him out asking for spiritual advice.

Here’s a clue Rickie:  Women with balls of steel don’t need advice from men who don’t have any, mmmmk sweetheart?  So why don’t you go waddle back to your carnival of a “church” you call Brokeback Saddleback and leave the real Christians alone?

Really, what made you think an independent Pentecostal was going to seek out spiritual guidance from a clueless Baptist like you anyway?  Dweeb.

Tags: advice, Baptist, bible, christian, Christians, church, guidance, pentecostal, purpose driven life, rick warren, Saddleback, sarah palin, verses
Categories: Christians Gone Wild
 
(  Print This Post | | 524 views )