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Katy Perry’s parents looking to set her up with Tim Tebow (Baby Jesus heard crying in background)

Really?

Let me get this straight:  devout Christian parents want to set up their whoring-sloring daughter with a devout Christian football player.

Match made in heaven, yep.

I’m guessing this is on the assumption that said football player (who lugs footballs the way King Kong lugs T-Models) is gonna keep her on the straight and narrow.  Katy Perry, born-again virgin?

Or, as it may be more likely, just by virtue of being a devout Christian Tebow will run from this crazy broad faster than he does from a swarming pack of defensive backs.

Because I would hate to think that Tebow’s just reward for staying true to his faith would be to wind up with a girl Satan probably keeps a poster of in his bedroom, right next to the larger than life poster of Kim Kardashian and a photospread of  a younger looking Madonna.

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Losing a Shepherd

David Wilkerson Smiling

David Wilkerson Smiles

Taking a break from my normal blogging after receiving the heartbreaking news that my favorite pastor, David Wilkerson has passed away. He died in a fatal car accident 85 miles outside of Dallas, on the same highway I had briefly crossed or driven on not more than a month before.

David Wilkerson’s ministry was the inspiration behind the book and subsequent movie, The Cross and the Switchblade many years ago, but I knew him more for his more recent works and Times Square Church Pulpit series newsletters that I’d receive every three weeks by mail. These newsletters did more to feed my soul than any church ever could.

In a time when we have used car salesmen like Rick Warren teaching fluff and polluting the gospel into a marketing campaign, Wilkerson was one of the precious few who told the hard truth, about the need for repentance, about turning away from sin, about trusting in God for all things, and that suffering and afflictions were in reality a large part of the Christian walk, despite what prosperity teachers might otherwise tell you.

I could count on one hand the voices in modern day Christendom that I could trust explicitly, and now one of those voices is gone. It’s despairing to consider the loss of somebody who’s had such a profound impact on my life, and I wonder, what do we do now? Who can I trust to feed me the word of God wholly and uncompromised in Pastor Wilkerson’s stead?

Indeed, many of the stalwarts in Christianity that I’ve grown to admire all my life are now in their twilight years, and I fear to think of what will happen once they pass on. We seem to be fast approaching a time when there will be no left to preach and teach the true gospel of Christ. I hope I’m not alive to see the day when all of Christianity is completely fallen away to apostasy and ruin, and the destruction is truly complete.

My prayers are with Wilkerson’s family, and for the speedy recovery of David Wilkerson’s wife. May God grant them much needed peace during this time of grief, and take comfort in knowing that he is now in the company of prophets and angels.

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In Defense of Men: Tim Challies and Richard Phillips Not Included

There’s no love lost between me and mainstream Christian writers, especially those whose shoddily written books sell a bazoolion copies simply because their audience are complete morons who just vacu-suck in everything their pastor spoonfeeds them without an individual thought of their own.

But every now and then somebody comes along and says or writes something that just begs for a smackdown by yours truly.  Case in point, a relatively obscure blogger named Tim Challies quotes from a book written by an even more obscure Christian author:

“One of the biggest problems in the church today is the failure of young adult men to value and pursue marriage.”

Apparently the quote is lifted from Phillips’s book, “The Masculine Mandate: God’s Calling to Men,” which is yet another book that purports to tell men how they’re supposed to behave and act using disjointed scriptural references and quotes from pop culture TV shows like Seinfeld.  Or was that “Wild at Heart?”

Challies’ endorsement of this quote would typify the behavior that one finds in the modern metrosexual male.  Like clones of Max Lucado, Challies and Phillips seem to me to be the kind of feminized men who write in pink notebooks and breastfeed their own children.  The perpetually and nauseatingly effeminate manner in which they criticize men for every evil in the world demonstrates that “regeneration” apparently did nothing to divorce their attitude towards men from how the rest of the world perceives us.  Which is, as amphibian bio-waste that needs to be neutralized from existence.

Tim Challies’s quote from Rich Phillips is ironic considering the misogynist overtones of Scripture (not that the verses are in fact misogynistic, it just appears that way) especially in Ecclesiastes.  We are told that for every thousand righteous men, there is only one righteous woman in that same bunch, if even that.  And Solomon would know a thing or two about that, having gone through at least 700 wives.    (Ecclesiastes 7:26-29)

Phillips/Challies appear to be too numbnutted to believe that the failure of a marriage might actually involve two people instead of just the man.  Indeed, it seems to me the primary perpetrators of evil in our increasingly feministic society are women, not men. The divorce courts favor women, while our laws give women special status in almost every aspect of their lives.  Women can also falsely accuse men of rape and destroy their lives with absolutely no risk of consequence.  The entertainment industry also constantly denigrates and insults men at every turn.  How could this relentless bombardment of male bashing not seep into the thinking of even well intentioned women (including Challies)?

And they wonder why men might not value marriage anymore?  Seriously?

Personally, I’ve given up on the idea of marriage or even dating.  I have accepted that there is simply no single woman out there left that is worth my time and aggravation.  The neurosis (teh crazies!!1), the self absorption and the utter sense of supremacy gets old after a while.  Who can find a virtuous woman?  Certainly not I.  As a result, I have admittedly become very bitter about it, but I am slowly learning to accept that Paul was right, I am in fact better off single.  Of course women who see this will say the reason I haven’t found anyone is because I’m bitter, or ugly or otherwise undesirable.  They have absolved and divorced themselves of any accountability in regards to their despicable behavior whatsoever.  It is ALWAYS the man’s fault.  I’m single?  Gotta be my fault and my fault alone.  Women are but darling cherubs of light to which it is nigh on impossible for them to do any wrong.  Right.  And I got two bridges in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you.

Since our supposedly Christian stalwarts of the community appear completely vacuous in their analysis of what ails marriages today, I’ll try to fill in the void with my common sense approach to the matter.

Marriage is a two way street.  It’s not about pleasing yourself, it’s about pleasing your spouse and doing what makes him OR her happy.  Women should not go ahead of their husbands and should let him take the lead.  Men in return should not treat their wives as  doormats but with love and respect, and should not be afraid to make command decisions either.  Each spouse should have their due affection rendered them, whether it comes in wumpsy snugglies or other things.  Let the strength of one complement the weakness of the other.

See?  How fricking hard was that?  It certainly beats the advice of telling men they need to camp out a lot in the wilderness like that schmuck for brains John Eldredge does in his book “Wild at Heart.”  Oy.

Maybe I should write a book myself. 

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Hey Pat Robertson, how about a nice big cup of SHUT THE $%^& UP?

Dear Assface Robertson,

Devil pact, really? You’re going to tell me that a pact supposedly signed eons ago would still affect the spiritual fate of millions of Haitian descendants who had nothing to do with it even today?

Let me explain something to you, you shriveled up, senile, dumb

We have ALL sinned, and because we are ALL sinners, none of us are immune to calamity. If a tsunami threatens to engulf me and all my cool gadgetry toys I can assure you it’s not because an ancestor of mine had a voodoo ceremony and sacrificed a pig. And no, it’s not because of global warming either, which incidently enough you also happen to believe in, basically because once again, you are a shriveled up, senile, uglied up, ass-faced jackass.

But I do have some news for you to chew on: God’s judgment will eventually come, but it will first begin in HIS HOUSE. Those who purport the name of Christ will be judged before the rest of the world, so might I suggest you ponder over that while you’re lifting 500 pound weights in your crapped up, landfill university Regents or putting on your makeup and lipstick before going live on the 700 club? Just a thought.

Love,

Lincoln

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How I got snowed by an old lady

So I was in Panera Bread last night, relaxing and enjoying a bagel sandwich (that I brought from a real bagel shop), when a nice old lady approached me and began to sign in ASL. She had seen that I was hard of hearing and wanted to know if I signed too. Since I had normal hearing otherwise I told her no, but that I’d like to learn it some day (particularly with a smoking hot deaf biddy willing to sign very naughty things to me, but I omitted that part.)

We had a nice conversation, and she turned out to be of normal hearing. It was actually her 18 year old daughter who was deaf, and since her daughter had also seen me as I entered the cafe, I guess they must have been curious about me.

So the lady tells me she has a few free DVDs in her car that were educational videos for those who were deaf, but wanted to learn more about the Bible. In addition to using closed captioning, all the characters would sign in ASL too. I thought it was pretty cool, and I was happy to meet someone who was a Christian, and better yet, someone who would truly understand what it’s like to live with a hearing loss.

She went to her car, came back and gave me the DVDs in a brown bag, then asked me if I was interested in getting a few more to pass around to any deaf friends I might have too, she’d be happy to send them to me by mail. We chatted for a bit more, and then she left.

The DVDs were completely innocuous looking, like something you might find at a typical Christian bookstore. Then I happened to look at the very fine print to see who published the materials. “Watchtower Society.” Jehovah’s Witnesses?!?! Oh no! No, no, no, nononononononono!!

I had just given a JW my mailing address, and unwittingly invited an army of religious salesmen to my doorstep to give me no end of grief. God only knows what I’m gonna get in the mail now too. All because I had let down my guard just a little bit because of a sense of camaraderie I had with a sweet old lady. Why, why, WHY do I slip up like this? GAH!!

Sigh, I guess I’ll need to wire my doorbell with a few thousand volts of electricity today. Just in case.

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