Another coworker gets hitched and why it’s making me batsh*& insane

Written by Lincoln Adams on September 3, 2008 | 0 Comments
Filed Under: Romance and Relationships

Another coworker of mine is getting married, this time it’s a woman with cerebral palsy. Very nice person too, and when she talked about her fiance, she indicated that he had a similar disability as well. She showed us all her lovely new ring.

“Wow, that’s probably about as close as I’ll ever get to an actual real diamond,” I said.

“See Linc? You never know.”

“Unfortunately, I have found that I am the exception to every rule, no matter what that rule is.”

Indeed, it seems lately that every time I look around, I’m always seeing somebody being paired up with their own. If I see a Chinese girl, she’s holding hands with a Chinese guy. If I see a black guy, he’s holding hands with a black girl. Now here’s someone with a disability who is getting hitched to someone else with a disability. How in a horse’s wide load are these people finding each other?

For my part, all I can seem to attract are women who, oddly enough, look like men. Does that mean I’m really gay and this is God’s way of trying to tell me to own up to it?

Really quite sure that’s not the case here, but frankly, I’m running out of plausible reasons to explain away this anomaly.

Lately though, I’ve been settling on what I call the “My Man Genes Were Pounded to Fossilized Dino Droppings” theory. This theory extrapolates that I was somehow born with a genetic defect that precludes a particular demographic of women from being able to see me. Like, at all. In other words, if I’m at the supermarket, they will run right through my righteous ass with their carts not because they’re being rude, but because they just couldn’t see me.

The more I think about it the more things start to make sense. If I hold a door for a girl and she walks right on through without acknowledging me or saying thank you, it wasn’t because she was being rude. Again, she just couldn’t SEE me. It also explains why when I’m talking to a girl, she’s always looking past me, like I’m not actually there. Really, is it conceivable that every woman in creation would be that rude? Doesn’t it make more sense that they were simply unable to physically see me at all?

I think I need to head down to Harvard with this. This definitely merits a closer look and possibly conducting controlled studies so this phenomenon can be observed in action. I’m talking fully funded with grants and the whole works, and lots of hot girls to use as test subjects too.

Seriously, it’s for science. :-D