I finally got my pistol license! 

Of course they got my address wrong, and after they printed out and gave me another card with the correct info, I looked at it and said, “Dude, I pay $200 and you can’t even laminate this thing?”

A shrug of the shoulders.

Ah well, at least it’s legit.    It also means I can finally roll this outside my place:

Let’s see Fido try to take a dump on my lawn now.    I keed, I keed… sorta.   My first ever firearm is a wee bit smaller, a Beretta 92 which turned out to be the gun I was most comfortable (and accurate) in shooting with.  Oddly enough the very same gun used to belong to Karen’s husband, who I had just daydreamed about being an abusive loser scumbag that I finally one-up by getting his girl after all (see last post.)  Truth is, he’s really a nice, decent guy, which is probably why I hate the bastard so much.  And now I have his Beretta to always remind me of what I could have had.    Ah well, at least now I’ll have something to bitterly cling on to.

Anyone know where I can get some cheap ammo?

Tags: beretta, firearm, God, gun, husband, karen, permit, pistol, pistol license
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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“Linc, Karen wants to see you.”

Hmmm… she’s married, but maybe she finally came to her senses?  Oh yeah, I can see it now:

“Oh Linkie poo, I was so wrong about him!”  She runs right into my arms for manly comfort.  “He’s such an abusive, unfaithful, ugly loser, but I realize now that you alone were the only one for me!”  *kissy kissy smoochie smoochie*

I smiled broadly at the fantasy and walked over to her section.

“Hey Karen, what’s up?”

She looked up.  “You dropped your keys.”  She handed them over.

“… … … … … … … … … oh.  Thanks.”

“What’s wrong?  You look disappointed.”

“Er, nothing.” I muttered, and quickly walked back to my desk.

Tags: fantasy, karen, married, reality
Categories: In The Coal Mine
 
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A face from ears: Palin is carved into cornfield

A 16-acre corn maze near the town of Whitehouse has been carved in Palin’s likeness, complete with her familiar updo hairstyle and eyeglasses.

Suck on THAT, Palin haters. 

Tags: corn, crop circles, farm, farmer, funny, sarah palin
Categories: News Fit To Blog
 
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I’m basically a schnook when it comes to money, not really understanding what went down on Wall Street other than the sensible fact that if you loan massive amounts of money to people with poor credit, bad things tend to happen.

My boy Casey though does a great job of writing a primer on how the banks screwed us over:

I recently used this example explaining things to a friend of mine.  Just to warn you, this is a very simplistic view of how the banking and monetary systems work, but it’s basically the way it goes.  Let’s say you have $100,000, your life savings.  You go put it in the bank to earn some interest.  The bank says they’ll pay you 3%.  The next day, Jim Bob walks into the bank, and requests a loan for $100,000, to buy a house.  Jim Bob has only mediocre credit.  But the housing market has been so great, the bank gets greedy and says, “Hey!  He may not be able to pay, but then we’ll just sell the house for a 25% profit!  Everybody wins!”  The bank tells Jim Bob he’ll have to pay 6% interest on the loan.  He agrees, and the bank gives him your $100,000, and he goes and buys the house.  Here’s the current situation.  Jim Bob pays 6% annually on the loan.  The bank pays you 3% on your deposit.  The bank gets the difference, 3%, as profit.  That’s how they make their money.

Now, Jim Bob was stupid, and got a variable rate mortgage…so as interest rates go back up, his payments begin to go up too.  Jim Bob can’t seem to get enough money to pay his bills, so he defaults on his loan.  The bank repossesses his home.  Poor Jim Bob.  But wait… the bank now has lost the income it was getting from Jim Bob, but they still have to pay you 3% on your money.  They try to sell the house, in order to get your money back, but the real estate prices have dropped, instead of rising, so they can’t get your full $100,000 back.  They can only get $80,000.  In the meantime, you’ve been watching the news, and decide that you don’t want to keep your money in the bank, because you’re scared it will go under . . . and you’ve got a little over the $100,000 FDIC limit in there now, so you better move quick.  The bank only has $80,000 of your money left, so they have to take $20,000 of their own money (or borrow it from another bank) in order to pay you all they owe you.  Imagine this happening nationwide, and you have what happened last Wednesday night.  The economic system freezes up . . . people won’t lend money to the banks, because they’re concerned about them collapsing, and the banks don’t have enough cash to pay out to their depositors.

Go read the rest.

Tags: bank, banking, banks, cash, credit, FDIC, home, housing, housing market, interest, monetary systems, money, mortgage, people, primer, Wall Street
Categories: News Fit To Blog
 
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And I’m top of that I’m still coming in to work too.  Why?  Because that’s what real men do.  We suck it up and do our jobs (and use the opportunity to hack and cough all over our supervisor’s desk in the hopes that our studly germs take over his wussy weenie immune system and make it their little bitch boy, forcing him to go on sick leave for a week.)

In the meantime, send me chicken soup please. 

Tags: chicken soup, job, real men, sick, supervisor, weenie, work
Categories: In The Coal Mine
 
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So now that the sky is falling and the world is soon coming to an end, it seems my plan to pay off all my debts couldn’t have come at a better time.  Just a few more months and I will be back in black, so to speak. 

And I figured, what better way to celebrate the coming of Armageddon and my soon debt free existence than to give myself a much needed and overdue makeover?  After all, if I’m gonna go out, I might as well go out in style. 

This is where you, my beloved readers come in.  I’m going to need some advice and suggestions to complete my makeover here, and your much valued advice will most certainly be welcome.

So where do we begin?  Well it begins of course, with…
 

The Leather Jacket

 
Yep, there’s not a brother in creation who can lay claim to being the baddest of the badasses if he’s not donning a slab of weather beaten leather.  And I don’t mean the kind of leather sported by a 500 pound biker either:

Oh, HELL NO.

No, not quite.  I’m looking for a blazer type jacket that swings in the breeze as I walk in slow motion towards whatever epic battle I’m about to engage in with a gritty but determined look on my face.  Something like the following might be more appropos:

I'm kind of a big deal.

JCPenny’s never seem to have what I’m looking for though, and something like this I can’t chance ordering online because it’ll likely either be too short, too long, too tight, or too loose.  Something like this has to be perfect.  Oh, and something like this also has to have a big enough pouch to store all those women’s hearts I’ll be grabbing up when they see me looking all fine and whatnot.  So, suggestions?  Maybe an online store that will tailor make a jacket based on the measurements I give them?  Ponder over this some while I move on the the next item on my list:
 

The Watch

 
It’s kinda sad, but I haven’t been wearing a watch for years.  The last watch I wore was a titanium hunk of metal that was given to me as a graduation present from my folks after I finished college, my mother’s reasoning then being that I should have a gift that not even I could break.  She was wrong of course.  The thing gave up the ghost a few short years later, and my wrist still has that pasty white line around it where my watch used to be.  Here’s a tip by the way: just because a watch is made of titanium doesn’t mean it won’t break if you end up dropping it on the street the same day a dumpster truck passes through.

Anyway, the thing that held me back here from getting another watch was that I kind of liked my watches to be a bit.. well,  gadgetry.  You know, one that could tell me the weather, latest sports scores and what was currently showing in theaters.  So I ordered a watch from MSN Direct that looked like it had been lifted off of Dick Tracy’s dead body and thought I was once again the epitome of cool.  The watch would update with all kinds of nifty info and graphics via a radio signal.

The only problem was, I happened to be living in a dead zone 50 odd miles wide between the two areas where the watch could actually get a strong signal.  Needless to say I don’t think holding my watch out the car window as I desperately tried to balance between driving and using myself as a human antenna was quite what the designers had in mind.  Another downside was that the antenna was built into the wristband, and it was about as bendable as a block of steel.  While a lot of thought admittedly went into its design, comfort obviously wasn’t one of them.

So, what to do?  I still wanted a watch that was a bit gadgetry.  And man do they have gadgets watches aplenty.  They even have watches where you can upload videos or watch TV on as well!

Nothing says COOL like a watch that can get Rick-Rolled.

I might be going overboard with this though, especially since I have an online buddy who is convinced beyond measure that if I even think of wearing a monstrosity such as the video watch above, I will never get a girl, never, ever, ever, ever, amen and amen, for the love of all that is good and holy, please, do not sully the human race by wearing such a ridiculous contraption.

Well alrighty then. 

That still leaves the question of what brand and type I should get though.  Obviously I want a good, quality watch that will last, maybe solar powered, small and not bulky, black leather wrap, (to match my black leather jacket of course) built in compass, (I’m constantly getting lost so this is a must), and since I can’t get weather reports, I figure one that can read barometer levels would be a nice alternative instead.  Oh, and it has to light up.  I don’t mean the fuzzy wuzzy neon glow in the dark silliness either, I mean light up nice and bright so that a plane flying overhead could see it.  Seriously, I’m fed up with not being able read my watch because I’m running from the police and the dumpster I’m hiding in makes it too dark for me to tell the time.  It’s just uncivilized.

So, suggestions?    Moving on along in the meantime:
 

The Sunglasses

 
There arew few things in life I’m more finicky about choosing than sunglasses. They’re always too round, too ugly, too rickety, too bulky or too much or too little of some damned thing that I just end up hating it after a while.

With sunglasses this awesome, how could you not want me?

Bottom line though, the glasses have to be polarized.  When you can see clouds the way God probably sees them, then dude, those are the kind of glasses I want.  Only problem is, polarizing sunglasses are rarely mirrored or opaque enough so you can’t see the eyes.  And that just won’t do, especially when I’m checking out a super hot awesome babelicious babe’s umm… shoes.   It’s none of people’s business what I’m looking at anyway. 

I did see one brand that had polarized but completely opaque (none of that ugly brownish tint) at a Mall once, but I never got the name.  Once again, suggestions on brands I could check out are welcome. 
 

The Cellphone

 
I’m with Verizon, which as some of you Verizon users know likes to nickel and dime every bloody damned thing you do on your phone including using the built-in calculator.   Seriously, this is the one network where if you utilized every possible feature they offered you’d probably pay oh, about a grand a month or so for the pleasure.  And just to milk it further, let’s not pay a one time fee to download, say a ringtone.  Let’s offer a SUBSCRIPTION FEE instead where you have to subscribe to a ringtone you like on a $%^&ing monthly basis.  Dude, seriously.  Not cool.

And since I’m using a basic LG phone, it takes me about 10 minutes to dial in complete sentence when texting someone (including Twitter).  I could go Blackberry I guess, but let’s face it, we all know there’s only one solution here:

My hands are manlier.

I’ll have to jump ship and go with AT&T though, and from what I understand of their monthly plans, the costs can get steep ($80 or so for the whole works including unlimited text).   But a coworker let me try out the iPhone just for a minute and it was enough for me to fall in love.    Yep, I definitely wantie, especially when all the favorite apps I use have also been ported for the iPhone.  Heck even my webstats service ported an app for the iPhone.  Mobile blogging and twittering would get a whole lot more fun with an iPhone too, especially if I get caught in a Cat 5 hurricane and want to live blog the experience while sharp debris fly around me.

So for those of you who jumped from your former network to AT&T, was it a real pain?  I was told I can still keep my phone number from Verizon, but I’ll have to find out for sure.  One thing’s certain, I just can’t be a true badass now if I’m not carrying an iPhone. 
 

The MacBook

 
Villains use Windows.  The good guys use Macs.  There’s a reason for this, so who am I to break with tradition?  Besides, I need a machine that removes as many roadblocks as humanly possible between creating multimedia content and uploading it to my blog.  Do I wanna make a video?  Click click, done.  Do I want to create a podcast so y’all can swoon at the sound of my stud sounding voice?  Click click, done.  Photos, Music Composition?  No problem.  They really do make it that simple, at least from what I could tell when I played around with a MacBook for about two hours at Best Buy until they threw me out.  Microsoft?  I don’t know what these people are smoking, but Vista acts more like a virus sent by the Russians than an operating system.  Seriously, how hard can it be to make something as user intuitive and fun to play with like GarageBand?  I’d like to compose some bit of music and videos one of these days, but Microsoft, they like to leave that sort of thing up to third party developers who charge you $500 for the pleasure of installing their bloated craptastic software onto your system, which then proceeds to chew up your memory into bits, cause your hard drive to forget how to spin again and your video card to go blind from insanity.

When I say I want a pimped out notebook, this is not what I mean.

So, it’s settled that a MacBook is a must, especially if I’m going to be traveling a lot and living in dinky (but yet homely) apartments.  I’d love to get one secondhand, but from a cursory look on eBay they’re so high priced even secondhand that I’m probably better off getting it new.  Sad thing, this will probably be my biggest investment, and it’s not one I’m ready to make unless my blog earnings justify it.  So how can you guys help?  Well if you got one lying around, feel free to donate it to the brutha here.  It’s for a good cause.  Or, you could  link to my blog.  No, really.  Adding a link from your site can really do a lot to boost my standings in the search engines, and in return I’ll be happy to link you back.  Lincoln needs some link love, sugar.  

And finally:
 

The Motorbike

 
Yeah, you knew this was coming.  A badass without a bike?  It’s like Mozart without a piano.  Although, I might make an exception here only because I simply don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to go trudging around the country with both a SUV and a bike.  I could get a trailer I guess, but that tends to overly complicate things more than it should.  I already got a sweet ride, so is a bike really necessary?

Well yes.

It’s kinda like skydiving or bungee jumping, one of those things you do once in your lifetime, just to see what it’s like, at which point if you’ve managed to survive the experience you can then go around boasting about what a reckless badass you’ve been (though this is probably something I wouldn’t want my mother to know about.)

Plus, the chicks dig it, which is pretty much the only reason I’d think of getting one (and yet another reason why Mom is better off not knowing.)

Yes, I really am THIS awesome.

There’s crazy though, and then there’s suicidal.  While I’m down with crazy, I definitely wouldn’t get a bike with enough CCs that I could outrace an F-16 fighter jet.  A simple beginner’s bike with 250CCs will suit me just fine, thank you.  Bike enthusiasts will laugh at me, but most people won’t know the difference.  And besides, the chicks dig it.  Though truth be told, I really dug the Harley Fatboy that was used in the movie Terminator 2.  How cool would it be to have a bike you can effortlessly latch an oversized shotgun onto?

Get off my bike, Arnie.

Ok, on second thought, that might be just a bit too much (especially since the bike model Arnie rode on still retails for like $15,000 today.)

No, I think something a bit more sensible might be in order, such as the Kawasaki Ninja 250, which is touted as a great beginner’s bike and only retails for $3,000 or so.  Best thing about it of course is that it seats two. 

In case you haven't noticed by now, black is my thing.

On the off chance that anyone reading this is a bike enthusiast, happy to hear if you have any thoughts to add. 
 

Conclusion

 
That about wraps up all the ingredients needed to realize my lifelong dream of becoming a Super Righteous World Saving Badass.  Ahhh, I could see it now too: waltzing into a Dairy Queen somewhere in Smalltown, USA, taking my helmet off to reveal my studly, tousled, raven black hair, and ordering up the kind of drink only badasses would dare to order:

“Give me a milk…  CHOCOLATE.“

Dudes, who wouldn’t want me? 

Tags: Bike, black, black leather jacket, cell phone, debt, debts, fun, garageband, God, laptop, living, MacBook, makeover, mobile, motorbike, music, notebook, phone, Photos, podcast, stud, sunglasses, travel, verizon, Videos, watch, wishlist
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
 
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