Ok, so I’ve been playing around with OKCupid for the past couple of weeks, sifting through literally hundreds of profiles, trying to find someone, ANYONE, with a good head on her shoulders that I could talk to. I’m so lonely.

I actually did find a few nice ones though. Pretty, morally upright girls, one of who mentioned her distaste for OKCupid’s lewdness (she gets 20 points for that) and her love for 80s music (she gets 5000 points for that).

They were all active and visited the site on a regular basis, so I decided to send them a friendly email commending their profiles and asking them if we could be penpals or friends.

I got completely blown off by everyone. 2 weeks of obsessively checking my inbox every ten minutes to see if they responded, and… nothing.

Now before I start going off and calling them rude, icy-cold hearted spawns of Satan and earnestly hoping that they would spontaneously combust and explode into a fiery pus filled death, I’m willing to concede that all the women I contacted just lead busy lives, and may not have had time to get back to me yet.

Therein however lies the reason for why I might be royally screwed.

I’ve been thinking about this: these girls seem happy enough, living busy and productive lives, with loving families and a large circle of friends. Why would they need me then? Unless of course, they’re only interested in a sperm donor to help them make babies, in which case once the child is born they would then go back to refusing to acknowledge my existence (except for the paycheck, which they’ll happily take of course.)

But let’s pretend for the sake of argument that women are not that conniving and evil. Or rather, let’s assume the women I contacted are basically good and caring folks. But the fact is, their lives are so busy they simply don’t have time to give someone like me a chance. They may check their inboxes maybe once or twice a week, meanwhile I’m checking my inbox once every ten minutes. I yearn for companionship and wubs so badly, but for them it doesn’t seem to be a priority at all. If we ever had a relationship, they could wind up being aloof and distant, meeting me only when they can fit it into their busy schedules, while for my part all I can do is cry into my pillow at night, knowing I’ll never be truly loved. Truthfully though, it would be a severely unbalanced courtship, where I would yearn for her more than she’d ever yearn for me.

It’s times like this when I really start to despise this Internet thing though. I know people would say get off of it and start putting myself out there, but it’s not really that simple.

For those who don’t know, I have a profound hearing loss in both my ears that severely crippled my ability to have a social life. As I grew up, my attempts to participate in conversations and groups almost always resulted in embarassment. I would miss key bits of phrases in a conversation, and when I would try to contribute, people would end up laughing at me because I had completely misinterpreted what they were talking about. It never failed, and it wasn’t long before my intelligence itself would be questioned too. People would just assume I was an idiot and thus unworthy of their attention. Eventually I just drifted away and no longer tried to socialize anymore. My hearing loss certainly played a large role in my becoming a loner, though I still did ok in tightly knit groups and in one-on-one situations. But whenever we went someplace noisy (which was all the time), it really crippled my ability to engage in conversations with the people I was with. Part of what makes it so hard is that when you have a hearing loss, you can’t passively listen and pick up voices easily. You have to exert a considerable amount of mental effort to follow a conversation, and after a while you can get pretty fatigued.

That’s why I gravitate to using the Internet all the time. Here, conversation is easy, and people can’t see me at first so they can’t quickly pass judgment on me because of my disability or looks. Unfortunately though, I made it my whole world, and it’s not a world I want to live in anymore. It’s all MySpace and Facebook silliness topped off with a generous load of unhinged insanity.

Statistics say most couples find each other through friends and family. All my friends though have drifted away, and I’ve been cut off from 99 percent of my family. My parents ironically enough don’t have any friends either (well at least not any with single daughters my age.)

I could go back to school, which would be the easiest way since they are popular dating mills (or to save money, I could just hang out on campus and pretend I’m a student.)

Or, I could join interest groups like a photography club, but I don’t know. Same thing with church, which I really can’t stand (specifically the local ones here). I’d go if I knew there’d be a lot of girls there, but I’d have no interest in any of the church services (except maybe the singles group.) Charity organizations might be a good idea though.

Still, this is a pretty big hole I’m in. I may have to consider the real possibility that I am never going to meet anyone, and that life will continue to conspire against me to ensure that I will always be alone. That’s one of the reasons I want to travel so much. There’s something romantic about the idea of a lost soul travelling around America, looking for the girl of his dreams. Someday, maybe.

In the meantime though, I’ll be checking my inbox. (checks again… still nothing, *&^%$#@!!!!)

With the sound of the Indiana Jones theme song faintly playing in the background, I entered the mini-mart at the local Mobil station and found a treasure chest full of creamy International Delights. (By the way, I take my coffee the same way Wolf from Pulp Fiction does: lots of cream, lots of sugar.)

But I’m still searching for that perfect combination of coffee flavors and creams, and since I wasn’t sure which cream one I wanted to experiment with first, I decided to take them all:

I looked kinda silly carrying fistfuls of of creams out the store with a guilty look on my face, donning my hat and pretending there was a huge boulder ball barreling down on me while I raced to my car, but it was well worth it.

I gave the chocolate cream a try today, and I’m already thinking this will probably be my favorite. I LOVE hot chocolate, so finding a perfect blend of hot chocolate and coffee might just be enough to give me a glimpse of heaven.

So what’s your favorite coffee combo/blend?

One billion people on the Internet, 250 million from North America alone, and I yet I keep running into the same people over and over again. Which is bad enough unto itself, but on top of that they had to be ugly too. Really ugly. Bat droppings ugly.

Nowhere is this more evident than when I sign up for oh, about 30 different dating sites or so, and yet somehow, it’s always the same crowd of girls. Literally. (Hey didn’t I see your profile on Match.com? Good grief, get away from me you skanky ho!)

I’m sure they’re thinking the same thing when they see my profile for the umpteenth time, so I guess it all evens out there.

But man, come on. 250 million Internet surfers, and I can’t simply disappear into the crowd here? Nope, I get the same bloody lot of dweebs burrowing up my righteous coochies every which way I surf, stinking up all my favorite online watering holes, and there’s simply no way I can avoid them, a conundrum that leaves some of them absolutely convinced that I’m stalking them.

“Oh no, it’s that Lincoln again, he’s always following me around! What a freak!!”

Bite me. I was here first you sniveling, whiny–

Ah well. My only solace is that I am just as much a boil on their cooties as they are on mine.

So I come across a blog post discussing a certain theological topic the other day, and since I had a few minutes to spare I posted a comment and used the example of an episode I saw on a sci-fi show to illustrate my point. This pastor dude then comes on and starts belittling me for watching sci-fi shows and using them as an authoritative source on Christian teachings (which wasn’t true, I was just using it as a metaphor.)

I got cheesed off, so I retorted in my usual charming way by calling him a pedantic weenie and that he should be thankful I didn’t attend his church, or I would have thrown salmonella infested tomatoes at him while he tried to give his coma inducing sermons.

Or something like that I think. I can’t remember the exact words I used.

What really frosted my chocolate chip cookies though was that the blogger wrote a new post the next day emphasizing a lesson he learned from watching a STAR TREK episode. So does this same pastor dude jump on his case too for daring to use a heathen, secular show to illustrate a biblical point? Nope, he praises him for providing an “excellent illustration.”

I can’t win. Anybody else, saying exactly what I would have said would have been lauded for their boundless wisdom, but for some reason the Christian community at large seems to think I have the mark of Cain, and in some freakish supernatural way, somehow they all know who I am too. I could be a complete stranger on the street and yet I can always tell who the Christians are because they’re the ones running away from me.

“Great Caesar’s Ghost, it’s Lincoln! RUN!!“

If anyone wants to know why I have such a smart mouth now, this would be one of the reasons. There’s only so much of this a man can take in his lifetime before he dispenses with the niceties and decides, “To *&%$ing hell with tact.”

Deep down I’m still a nice guy though. If I had any friends you could ask them.

The news have been sucking rotten eggs lately, so I’m sticking my head in the sand for a while to keep myself from getting even more depressed.  Luckily I stumbled across an old Bruce Campbell commercial that helped cheer me up.  Good old Bruce, he can make me laugh without even trying:

It’s true, I don’t have it, but man do I NEED it.  I need it BAD.