Floating My Way Through Life
Lincoln Adams | April 8, 2008 @ 7:20 pmI am a square peg trying to fit into the circle that is life.
At least that’s been my feeling lately. I’ve always had an eclectic personality that precluded me from being able to fit in anywhere, whether it was a church, a social club, or any kind of informal group that shared a common interest. While it made me unique, I do think there is such a thing as being TOO unique, ya know?
Not that I minded being a loner too much, but I hated the fact that my life (with all its eccentricities) all but guaranteed that I’d never find anyone who could really understand who I was as a person. Sure, they might be able relate to one aspect, but then find another aspect of me so totally foreign to them that it scares them off. And trust me, I can be a very scary person, indeed. 
There have been times when I tried to simply fake my way into a community’s good graces, but it never seems to last long. Whether it’s trying to cheer for a sports team just so I could relate to their fans (Let’s go Mets!! LET’S GOOO METS!!! LET’S GOOOOO… ah they suck), or whether it’s trying to relate to the Deaf community (where I’d be shunned simply because I’m not deaf enough), or whether it’s feigning “getting slain in the spirit” at a holy roller church so as not to draw suspicion from the congregation, there just seems to be no place on earth where I could truly feel at home.
I’m either too conservative or too liberal, too Christian or too atheist, too normal or too weird, too smothering or too distant, too emotional or too cold. Whatever it is that separates me from the rest of humanity, I either have too much of it, or not enough.
Is it ever going to be possible for me to meet a girl who could understand me through and through, or at least enough of me so that I don’t completely freak her out? Or am I really destined to walk this earth alone until death finally puts me out of my misery?
I believe I can survive without a large support group of any sort, but I don’t think I could carry on without the love of a good woman who could be both my lover and best friend. It seems sappy, but of all the agony and suffering I’ve endured in this life, this one always hurts me the most.
Oh well… there’s always castration. 
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Tags: alone, community, eclectic, floater, floating, girl of my dreams, life, loneliness, lonely, personality
Categories: Lincoln's Personal Log
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19 Responses to “Floating My Way Through Life”
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You know the woman I inevitably married– we started off as friends. She’s my best friend as well as my partner for life.
Any relationship needs friendship as a foundation. Looks fade with time, so you want to finds someone that you can still hold a conversation with long after you’re both old and grey, and you’re wearing blue-blockers and knee-socks with sandals.
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Linc seriously … you sound like me. And my husband. In fact, neither of us “fit” into much - but we’re best friends (although he drives me nuts) and we’re in it for the long haul.
She’s out there
As far as fitting in, honestly I think everyone has their moments. Just don’t “fake it” - it’s hard to fake enthusiasm for a long time.
Dude - did that make sense AT ALL? I’m all over the place …
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Linc! I’m not deaf enough either! I didn’t realize you were hearing impaired. I am as well, since birth/early infancy, and I totally don’t fit in. ANYWHERE. Never have, very likely never will.
The thing is, I just wanted to warn you / encourage you on something: people who are completely unique and intelligent will likely never, ever find someone who “gets” them, and also fulfills all the other requirements (opposite sex, attracted TO the opposite sex, alive today, single, fewer than 25 years older/younger than you, etc.) that one needs in a significant other.
I finally just married someone who was a good man. Honest, if completely transparent. Full of integrity, if perhaps simplistic. Intelligent enough to carry on a conversation in dinner company but can’t keep from snoring the minute the words “historiocritical approach” or “ancient Near East” (I’m a Biblical Studies undergrad student - in my 30s) are uttered.
He doesn’t get my need to keep the moon company on June nights. He forgets half of what I tell him less than 5 seconds after I tell him, and the other half five seconds later.
But he’s good. He’s good TO me. We’re just compatible enough that I find myself loving him dearly and thanking God for, well, God! And the friends and companions He’s sent my way.
I just wanted to share. You may find someone perfect for you… or you may find someone good enough. Sometimes, though, I’ve caught myself feeling lonelier in bed with my husband than I ever did alone with God.
Forgive me if this is just adding insult to injury. I truly only mean to help.
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@Perplexio: How hot looking is your wife? Maybe we can share (I say this with a nagging feeling that I may have completely missed the point of your comment.)
@Christine: Makes enough sense to me. What did you say again?
@Shari: Interesting that you’re hearing impaired too! But gosh darn it, if you had waited just a weeeee bit longer, you could have had all this.
Unless your husband might be willing to share too?
I seem to be asking that question a lot lately.
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Shari’s post is excellent
I think most of us feel we don’t fit in, or feel misunderstood, at one time or another.
Even if you share some common things, with a person, or group, you can’t possibly agree 100% of the time on every single thing. And you don’t have to.
You find someone who you have common ground with, who respects you even when they disagree…and who loves you, even when you aren’t perfect… and you will do the same for them.
It will happen for you. Be proud to be yourself… someone will come along a love you and appreciate you, all of you, for you.
Like we all do!
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…I fail to see how that will make you more socially acceptable.
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@Casey, well I’d be a lot more mellow for starters.
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I really hope so Marshie.
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Ha, my wife is a one woman man. But you and I are both 31 and with uncannily similar taste in music so she might not notice… hehehe just kidding.
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Nah, she’d notice something was up when her husband suddenly appears much more handsome and studly than usual.
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Fit in, who me? Never did, never will. But I’ve accepted it and moved on. I’m me and that’s it. I can’t change me (unless I had some horrible, mean streak or was rude or uncaring, etc. - you know the things we want to better about ourselves). But I’m stuck with the real me and so is everyone else.
Does everyone like me? Ask 5 people and probably 3 will tell you that they put up with me! It’s always been that way. I tried to be the overly nice, sweet person but I can’t do it too long. I break easily.
So I stick with me. God made me so there’s gotta be something good there. I’ve found my way in life, a husband that puts up with me and loves me, 2 beautiful children and a church family who do the same.
It’s in the giving back though and the accepting too. I’m able to accept people that are the odd ones. I can talk to them and make them feel at ease. As for finding my perfect match, I’m with Shari. My husband is a good, caring, loving man, but we’re exact opposites. We’ve agreed to commit to each other for life and so it goes…
Yes we love each other but there’s more important things than that romantic idea of love.
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LIES!!! FILTHY LIES!!!
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I just like reading your blog for lots of reasons. Mostly you crack me up. I too, have fallen for that hottie at Starbucks, I too, wonder if any one who Loves God will ever think I am great enough to want to date me. I do well with the alternative, agnostic crowd but they always leave me wanting and needing talk of this great God I know that I wish they did.
This post rings true for those like me who live in the world don’t want to be of it but often those in church want nothing to do with our sort of “secular” type life. I am probably just rambling but many don’t have any clue what its like to live in a world full of people that really believe that Christians are just like G. W. Bush all the time…Not!
Thanks for this post, it was encouraging to me.
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@jennie: Thanks, it makes me happy when I’m able to entertain and encourage my readers at the same time.
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You know, that’s probably why you and I always got along so well. We’re both the oddballs that don’t really fit anywhere. I don’t really fit into any category. I thought I was Conservative for a long time, but sometimes my fellow conservatives drive me crazy. I could never be a Liberal. I’m not religious enough to be part of a religion. I’m not anti-religion enough to be…well, whatever those people are. Atheist or something like that.
I think your problem is that you are TOO self-reflective. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re a very pure soul. The problem is that today’s society is all about playing games to get what you want…and you refuse to play the games. You’re refreshing but scary. Every woman says she wants to be the center of some man’s universe…but then when they are there, they feel “suffocated”. It doesn’t make much sense, does it? Men are the same way, though. We are conflicted beings.
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Meh, I’m never conflicted about life, except for those times when I am.
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Thanks for reminding me that I too will probably never find “the one” who gets me.
*sigh*
Honestly though, just don’t give up, Linc! I’m sure she’s out there somewhere! And she will present herself when the time is right. As for my guy, if you happen to see him, send him to Tennessee!
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Meh, you know maybe God is doing her a favor by making sure I never meet her. If she is as sweet and wonderful as I hope she’d be, why punish her by having her end up with me?
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