I was recently asked by an evil woobie what I wanted in a woman, since I seemed to be sending mixed signals regarding the female race (bashing them to death while yearning for one at the same time). Well alllllrighty then.

I’ve split my list here to those traits I oh-so-badly want a girl to have, and those traits that are complete deal-breakers that will send me screaming and running for the hills. I think once you finish reading through the list you’ll begin to see why I’m still single.

Deal Breakers (Any one of the following will automatically result in immediate disqualification. No refunds.)

• She’s ugly.
• Really ugly.
• I mean damned gouge-my-eyes-out ugly.
• She loves to boss people around, including God Himself.
• Has a mouth like a sailor, and regularly drops f-bombs like a New Jersey mob boss. Not. Cool.
• She has tattoos and piercings in places that hasn’t even been categorized by science yet.
• She thinks nothing of wearing flip flops in subzero temperatures with a full on blizzard warning in effect.
• She is an absolute diehard fan of “reality” TV.
• Modesty is a foreign concept to her. She’d be the girl wearing the tube top at a relative’s funeral.
• She is, for lack of a better phrase, a complete moron.
• She gets her news from Glamour and Vogue magazines.
• She lives to play mind games (unfortunately this might rule out all the women on the planet.)
• She doesn’t say thank you when someone holds the door open for her.
• If the devil is the father of lies, she’s the mother of it.
• She has an ego bigger than the Goodyear Blimp.
• Her idea of doing charity work is to cry a lot.
• There’s never a moment when she DOESN’T have PMS.
• She loves being labeled a “bitch” as if it were a badge of honor.

And now with that unpleasantness out of the way, here’s my list of traits that would make me want to love her up, and love her down, and round and round the merry-go round:

• Shares the same Christian beliefs I do, and at least tries to take it seriously. I’m not looking for sainthood here, but simply wearing a t-shirt that says “Jesus is my homeboy” does not constitute being a Christian to me.
• She’s either apolitical or shares the same basic political viewpoints I do. Seriously, if you’re the sort who thinks Europe is superior to us in every conceivable way, then go live there and leave us ignorant hicks alone.
• She’s smart. Really smart. Yes, I’m aware of the fact that a high level of intelligence would mean she wouldn’t come within a 100 miles of yours truly, but I mean smart in every other respect. Common sense could be her middle name too.
• She’s a deep person. Everything about life fascinates her, and she views it all with a kind of eloquent, yet childlike innocence.
• She’s funny in a quirky but harmless kinda way. She adores corny jokes, while dirty ones turn her off.
• She’s humble and gentle, the very embodiment of warmness, softness and snugglies.
• She makes me want to be a better man. Or more accurately, she tries to help me be a better man.
• She has a heart for giving, and her works of charity aren’t merely token gestures, but defines who she is as a person.
• She’s kindhearted, always aware of her surroundings and who might be in distress or pain, ever eager to comfort those in need. And trust me baby, I need it most of all.
• She’s principled, strong and brave.
• She can look sexy and beautiful while still maintaining her modesty.
• She is a hopeless romantic. She is all about poems and art and literature and music and history and spirituality and all those wonderful things that invite deep discussions and long talks by the fireplace.
• She is a health nut, (but not a vegan.) I kinda need this one too, since my idea of eating vegetables is to add more tomato sauce to the crust when making pizza.

Welp’, that’s it in a nutshell. Soooo…. does she exist? Or should I be looking into getting myself medically castrated and joining the nearest monastery?