My Advice To A 12 Year Old In Love

This post is part of the series titled, "Death to Valentine's Day." The table of contents for this series is listed below in chronological order:

To the poor little boy who found my blog using the search phrase,

“i’m 12 and i like this girl who is dating another guy how do i win her heart”

Congratulations, you are now about to embark on what will undoubtedly be the start of a lifelong journey of unrequited love and gut wrenching heartbreaks, because that cute little girl you’ve been mooning over for months and leaving little notes for is in fact one vicious, bedazzled terrorist of a creature who was fathered by Satan and mothered by the Antichrist. There is no doubt that she would not hesitate for a second to claw your eyes out and bite you in the face just for daring to pollute her existence, and then going off to laugh with her spiky haired boyfriend about what a huge loser you are.

So give it up. No matter what you do, she will never, ever like you, and those freckles on your face that Mamma said made you look so adorable, in fact make you look like a genetic mutant freak of nature to the object of your affection and the rest of the real world.

Consider this your baptism of fire into a life of bitterness and loneliness, because things are about to get much, much worse. As women get older, they will have outgrown the physical biting and clawing your eyes out, because by then they’ll have mastered the art of psychologically screwing your mind over so badly that all that will be left of you by the time they’re done is a shell of a human being wrapped in a strait jacket, muttering incoherent thoughts in a padded room at the Sunshine and Happy Happy Home.

So, you can take this as an early lesson that women are not cuddly bundles of love, but are in fact hateful instruments of torture and destruction who will happily dance all over your carcass while playing suck face with their latest trailer park trash boyfriend who just made parole.

Learn this truth now my boy, and you can save yourself by writing off the female race altogether, and then throwing down a daily dose of Prozac to numb out your feelings so you’ll never fall in love again.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

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Tags: advice, anti valentine, heartbreaks, loneliness, unrequited love, valentines day, women suck
Categories: Romance and Relationships

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15 Responses to “My Advice To A 12 Year Old In Love”

Christine wrote a comment on February 8, 2008 @ 10:10:pm
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Do you have freckles Lincoln? My hubby is covered in them and I love them (he hates ‘em).

I thought “Satan” and the “AntiChrist” were one and the same?

I’ve never seen someone bite someone in the face …?

A few years from now, when you are celebrating V’Day with your hot li’l lady I will comment on your blog and say “See Lincoln? You snagged one, and I bed she’s a cuddly bundle o’love”

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on February 8, 2008 @ 11:42:pm
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No freckles. More like rashes. :blink:

Aren’t we being optimistic though? Damn woman, trying to give me a false sense of confidence here. Damn you woman! :wife:

whatthef_ckever365 wrote a comment on February 9, 2008 @ 12:30:pm
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Is she optimistic, or are you set in your pessimistic ways?

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on February 9, 2008 @ 01:18:pm
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I’m not a pessimist. I’m a realist, with perhaps a smidgeon of fatalism. :dizzy:

Tish wrote a comment on February 10, 2008 @ 12:01:am
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Single gal here, who like you, is looking for her true love.

And wow, it sure sounds as if you’ve been burned. I completely understand, as I’ve been burned more times than I care to count myself. But keep in mind that not all women are the spawn of Satan. There are a few good ones around. You just have to look really hard to find them.

They’re usually hiding behind their blogs.

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on February 10, 2008 @ 01:15:am
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LoL, technically I know not all women are tools of the devil, I just wish most of them would stop acting like they were.

Funny thing about women hiding behind blogs, I actually had kind of a thing for a blogger, but she up and married somebody else who found her through her blog. :wall:

I must have been Ted Bundy in a former life. That’s the only thing that could explain this horrendous luck of mine.

Tish wrote a comment on February 10, 2008 @ 03:33:am
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*LOL*

I don’t think you were Ted Bundy. You couldn’t possibly have been. I know, because I was Ted Bundy. My karma proves it every day!

Sicarii wrote a comment on February 10, 2008 @ 09:40:am
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And they told me truth hurts… ouch!

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on February 10, 2008 @ 06:26:pm
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Truth is a bitter pill that can be hard to swallow.

@Tish: I’m not sure I like the idea that you used to be a man in a former life. :blink:

Liza S. wrote a comment on February 11, 2008 @ 05:18:am
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That poor, poor boy. Did you have to make him grow up so fast?

P.S.: Cuddly bunny of love power!!

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on February 11, 2008 @ 12:07:pm
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@Liza: The sooner he learns the better off he’ll be. :ggrin:

BTW, cuddly bunny of love?? :blink:

renee - 21st Century Parenting wrote a comment on February 11, 2008 @ 12:21:pm
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I have a 14 year old son, and he’s already learning these lessons the hard way. :-( Of course, his line of defense is to just make himself believe “there are NO girls” that are worth anything at his school… It’s gotta be hard.

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on February 11, 2008 @ 12:39:pm
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@renee: He’s really too young for that any way, and the upside is, if he hates all girls by that point, he’ll have less distractions to deal with when studying.

dr_clairebear wrote a comment on February 11, 2008 @ 07:41:pm
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bear with me, i have theories. :giveup:

a. maybe you’re too picky
b. maybe you’re a closet commitment-phobe and you javen’t realized it yet
c. maybe women around you sense you think they’re all spawns of Satan and get scared you’re just waiting for them to screw up to prove you’re right

i’m top cynic when it come to finding that whole “true love” kettle, but one thing you should remember is that as a man the odds are in your favor - because we women outnumber you, 3:1, I think. besides, in general, women are more forgiving than men are - we’re more likely to give a so-so first date a chance to go out on a second date with us than a guy who lets himself be hit on the head with first impressions (she’s too fat, she’s not pretty/sexy/bug boobed enough, etc.) than to call back a woman he went out on a date with.

you really just have to decide that you want it! methinks doth protest too much!

Lincoln Adams wrote a comment on February 11, 2008 @ 08:51:pm
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Well it’s true, I am picky. But I think my expectations are reasonable (must be gorgeous, rich, and have the heart of an angel). :ggrin:

I’m not a commitment-phobe. I’m just afraid of making a commitment.

I’m pretty sure women don’t get any “I hate you filthy whores” vibes from me, since in real life I am a sunny disposition of fluffiness. I reserve all my venomous, bile hatred for my blog instead.

If anything, it could be that they think I’m too nice; in other words, they think I’m a weenie. Oh well.
:date: